I have told this story countless times in person, on the podcast, and in my blog…so I will try and keep it brief. But about 6 years ago I had an experience that forever changed my life. I had just returned from sitting in on and observing a marriage intensive at The Hideaway Experience in Amarillo, TX (I write about that 4 day intensive here). And what I learned at that intensive changed the way I thought about myself and relationships.
I went home that weekend and tried using the Pain and Peace Cycle that I learned. And when I did, my wife Heather and I had a new experience in navigating conflict successfully, that I knew I had to learn more. I went on staff as a therapist later that fall and spent the next 4 years flying up to Amarillo to co-lead 4 day marriage intensives while all the while using the model in my therapy practice back in Plano…as well as using it in my marriage and any other relational setting I was in. And the more I practiced it, and the more I learned, I knew that this model was the one that I believed was the most effective in creating change in one’s self, relationships and organizations.
This model that I had been taught at The Hideaway Experience was essentially the Restoration Therapy model that Terry had been developing, and in which he had help implement for the intensives. Over the course of those years I got to know Terry better, even bringing him out to present the Restoration Therapy model and Forgiveness to our Dallas Association of Marriage and Family Therapists a few years ago.
So this last year I spent time training with Terry Hargrave in the Restoration Therapy model and eventually became certified as a Level II Restoration Therapy therapist.
At the end of last year I recorded 5 podcast episodes talking about Restoration Therapy. I began by talking to you about the Pain Cycle and Peace Cycle in Terry Hargrave’s Restoration Therapy model. I love the Pain and Peace Cycle because it has transformed my life. It’s transformed me as an individual, as well as my marriage, my relationships, vocation and more. But how do you practice the Pain and Peace Cycle in your own life? To do so I recommended 4 steps to practice. As you begin to use these steps and work through the cycles you create a safe emotional connection which also fosters a real strong sense of “usness” in the relationship. And it is out of this place that couple’s can really solve problems. Without a safe connection, problem solving is difficult, if not impossible in a relationship. And finally I tied all four episodes together by talking about the concept of differentiation, and giving some examples from different perspectives of what it looks like.
So after all my own talking and insight on this topic I am super excited to welcome my friend and mentor Dr. Terry Hargrave to Episode 55. Terry is an amazing man and I know you will love listening to his journey into developing the Restoration Therapy model.
In this episode we explore:
- Terry’s journey into the field of marriage and family therapy.
- Terry’s interaction with and training under some of the pioneers in this field such as Jay Haley, Carl Whitaker and Ivan Nagy-Boszormenyi. He has a great story about what he learned from Whitaker.
- Terry’s early training and work in the contextual family therapy model.
- what the Restoration Therapy model is.
- Terry’s development of the Restoration Therapy model.
- the importance of love and trustworthiness in relationships.
- 4 responses to violations of love and trustworthiness.
- the Pain Cycle.
- the Peace Cycle.
- the 4 Steps in the Restoration Therapy model.
- mindfulness, emotional regulation and attachment in the Restoration Therapy model.
- the importance of practice in creating change.
- and more…..
Resources Mentioned in the Episode
Contextual Family Therapy
Restoration Therapy Training
Marriage Strong with Sharon Hargrave
5 Days to a New Marriage
The Hideaway Experience
John Gottman, couples, and emotional regulation
Brent Atkinson on the importance of repetitive practice rather than relying simply on insight and understanding in therapy.