As I have mentioned in the previous podcast blog posts, I am spending time talking about the Pain and Peace Cycle, and the 4 steps to practice it in your life. These tools are found in the work of Marriage and Family therapist pioneer Terry Hargrave and his Restoration Therapy model. As I talk about in previous episodes, the Pain Cycle and the Peace Cycle, and the 4 steps to really practice to help it transform your life, have forever changed my life, marriage, relationships, friendships, and work. It too can transform you, your relationships, your marriage, your church staff, your corporate staff…and more.

In this episode I want to teach you a couple of new techniques from the Restoration Therapy model that I believe can really take your relationship to the next level. As you begin to work through your Pain and Peace Cycle, you will discover how that creates a sense of connectedness and teamwork, or what Terry Hargrave refers to as “usness.” In this episode I talk about this created “usness” and how it can help you problem solve in your marriage and relationships. So besides looking at the concept of “usness”, I will walk you through 7 simple steps to problem solving that I have found to be super effective.

I like to think of it often in this way. Couples have issues to solve in their relationship. But you can’t solve issues if you don’t feel emotionally safe and connected. So you begin by working on your Pain and Peace Cycle to create a sense of “usness.” And as that “usness” develops you will be emotionally connected and safe to begin problem solving. And sometimes…just feeling safe and connected will solve problems.

In this episode I explore:

  • the concept of “usness”
  • 7 steps to solving your problems/issues:
  • identify and externalize the problem/issue
  • walk through your Pain and Peace Cycle
  • brainstorm options/solutions
  • narrow down options/solutions
  • set time aside for prayer/meditation/reflection on the options/solutions
  • choose an option/solution (win-win)
  • schedule a future time to re-evaluate option/solution

Please listen and subscribe to my podcast in the following places, and then leave a comment letting me know what you liked about the show, or what guest you would like to hear from. Thank you so much for your support.


Player FMLibsyn

Link to Episode 42

Resources Mentioned in this Episode
Restoration Therapy
Terry Hargrave
Marriage Strong
Sharon Hargrave

I am a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in Plano, TX. I specialize in relationships, both marriage and non-marital, as well as working with individual men and women, and adolescent boys. Some of the topics that I specialize in are anxiety, depression, transitions, spiritual issues, and all forms of relational struggles. I am the author of the books The Anxious Christian, and What it Means to be a Man. Check out my weekly podcast where I interview guests and cover a lot of these same topics.

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