Tag Archive - therapist

Are You Afraid of Marriage?

July 8, 2009 in Marriage-Family with 1 Comment

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[image by makelessnoise]


Yesterday I posted about therapist David Schnarch’s view that marriages (committed relationships) are “people growing machines.” But for us to grow in a committed relationship obviously takes a lot of work and a lot of sacrifice. It’s not unusual to work with couples who are shocked by the amount of work a marriage does take, and soon begin to wonder if the sacrifice has been worth it. In fact, I think every relationship asks these questions at times, but some continue to go on and thrive, while others shut down and lead towards separation, divorce, or just two people living separate lives under the same household.

There has been a slew of articles and news stories recently on the state of marriage today, and I still remember sitting in my first graduate course in marriage and family therapy as the professor talked about the “state of marriage today.” Obviously we all come from various backgrounds and different experiences when it comes to the issue of marriage, whether it be our parents, or our own. These experiences often color our view of how we perceive marriage and whether or not we want it for ourselves.

A couple of weeks ago the Today Show had a segment on On Marriage: Let’s Call the Whole Thing Off. You can see the video below:

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And then just this week, TIME Magazine’s cover story is, “Is There Hope for the American Marriage?” In the article, the author states:

In the past 40 years, the face of the American family has changed profoundly. As sociologist Andrew J. Cherlin observes in a landmark new book called The Marriage-Go-Round: The State of Marriage and the Family in America Today, what is significant about contemporary American families, compared with those of other nations, is their combination of “frequent marriage, frequent divorce” and the high number of “short-term co-habiting relationships.” Taken together, these forces “create a great turbulence in American family life, a family flux, a coming and going of partners on a scale seen nowhere else. There are more partners in the personal lives of Americans than in the lives of people of any other Western country.”

An increasingly fragile construct depending less and less on notions of sacrifice and obligation than on the ephemera of romance and happiness as defined by and for its adult principals, the intact, two-parent family remains our cultural ideal, but it exists under constant assault. It is buffeted by affairs and ennui, subject to the eternal American hope for greater happiness, for changing the hand you dealt yourself. Getting married for life, having children and raising them with your partner — this is still the way most Americans are conducting adult life, but the numbers who are moving in a different direction continue to rise.

Lots of thoughts have been running through my head after reading through the articles and watching the videos this week.

There are lots of questions I want to ask. But I’ve started to wonder if people are afraid of marriage because of the large amount of failure they have seen around them when it comes to marriage. Maybe your own parent’s were divorced, or live in a marriage that you hope to never live in yourself. Or maybe your best friend from college is married and is miserable. Or maybe you have already been married, and are now divorced. Lots of scenarios.

Are you afraid of marriage?

Do you want to be married? Why or why not?

"People Growing Machines"

July 7, 2009 in Marriage-Family with 1 Comment

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[image by Todd Baker]


For the next couple of weeks I’m going to take a look at the topic of marriage and relationships in general. One of my favorite authors on the topic of relationships/marriage is David Schnarch, author of Passionate Marriage: Keeping Love and Intimacy Alive in Committed Relationships. In the book Schnarch talks about marriage and:

“emotionally committed relationships” as being “people growing machines.”

With that in mind, I want to ask you a question.

What has been the biggest area of growth for you in your marriage, or in the committed relationship you are in?

The Importance of Rapport in Therapy

July 5, 2009 in Marriage-Family with 1 Comment

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[image by Wrote]

Rapport…

“Relationship, especially one of mutual trust or emotional affinity.”



How important is rapport to the therapy process?  Whether it’s a topic discussed in research literature, read in textbooks, or is simply anecdotal…one finds that it’s pretty important.  Many will say that it can be the key to successful therapy outcomes, because if a person does not connect with their therapist, then sometimes the work that needs to get done…doesn’t get done.

Rapport is one of the first things that tends to be established in the therapeutic process…also known as establishing a therapeutic alliance.  I think it’s no surprise then that many people determine in the 1st couple of sessions whether or not they are going to continue seeing the therapist based on the the amount of rapport they feel has been established in the therapy relationship.

How important to you is rapport with your therapist?

Do you think that a lack of rapport hinders the work that needs to be done?  Or do you think it doesn’t matter?

What things can a therapist do to help establish rapport with a client?

Book Recommendation: Therapy Demystified

July 3, 2009 in Marriage-Family with 0 Comments

51ZP6VRDVJL._BO2,204,203,200_PIsitb-sticker-arrow-click,TopRight,35,-76_AA240_SH20_OU01_ Considering the posts I’ve written over the last week, I thought the following book would be a helpful recommendation. Therapy Demystified: An Insider’s Guide to Getting the Right Help, Without Going Broke by Kate Scharff. Scharff does a good job of covering important topics like various theories, different types of therapists, “misguided reasons” for avoiding therapy, when to get help, etc.

Some of the questions she talks about are:

  • How do I know if I should see a therapist?
  • What are the different kinds of therapy, and why should I care?
  • Where can I find a therapist that I can afford?
  • What should I expect (and ask) within the first few sessions?
  • How can I tell if a therapist is right for me?
  • How can I tell if therapy is working?
  • Is there any truth to the bad things I’ve heard about therapy and therapists?

I hope the posts this week have been helpful, and if you have any questions, please feel free to contact me.

When Should I Go See a Therapist?

July 1, 2009 in Marriage-Family with 6 Comments

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[image by Ted Percival]


This is a great question and was actually brought to my attention by a comments thread over on Facebook. In fact, one can Google this question and you will find a variety of answers, ranging from very specific things, to a more broad and general feeling of “feeling down” or “depressed.”

There is a not a right or wrong answer here, so let me just suggest a few reasons why you might want to go see a therapist.

  1. A general feeling of needing to talk with someone about some various things going on in your life.  These things can be serious (“I feel like taking my own life.” To more general, “I have just been feeling off…not sleeping…and wanted to talk with someone about this.”).


  2. You are looking for an unbiased, non-judging, caring person to listen to you.  In therapy speak, we might refer to this as unconditional positive regard. A lot of people feel like they can’t find this acceptance with friends, family, or their church, so therapy is often a good place to start. Now I’m not saying that all therapist will practice this, but I think really good ones do.


  3. Someone in your circle of influence (friends, family, co-workers) notices that there are some things in your life that are concerning to them, or that they feel like you might need someone to talk to about them.  So often people end up in therapy due to the suggestion and encouragement of others.


  4. Because you want to grow.  Therapy is not all about working on issues of depression, anxiety, fear, etc., but can be a great environment for personal growth (spiritual, emotional, physical, psychological).  There aren’t many places in your life where you can be in an environment that helps you grow , but a therapist is able to get a different perspective and help foster this growth with their experience, knowledge and tools.


  5. You are experiencing some minor or major life transitions.  Divorce.  Marriage.  Pregnancy.  Death.  College.  Career.  Etc.  These transitions and others often bring out new feelings, challenges, fears, etc. in a person, and it’s helpful to have a guide along that journey.


  6. You have no one else to talk to.  This could literally mean you can’t think of anyone to talk to, or there isn’t anyone who would really understand what it is you are going through.


  7. You are wanting anonymity as you seek help and work through the issue.  Therapy operates under very specific ethical guidelines regarding confidentiality, etc., and this may be important to you as you seek help, rather than going to your pastor, family member or friend.


  8. You are more specifically able to identify what it is you are struggling with, and you want a professional to help you.  This could be depression, anxiety, bi-polar, ADHD, fear, adultery, abuse of any kind, etc.


  9. Many of us don’t take the opportunity to explore the deeper meanings in our own life, or to wrestle with key issues of identity.  We often live on the surface, and never get beyond the things in life that just make us feel good and comfortable.  Seeing a therapist is a great opportunity to really find out who you are, and to be known.


  10. You have seen the positive benefits of therapy in the lives of those around you.  So you want to give it a try yourself.


  11. You might not have any reason, but simply the curiousity of the positive ways it could benefit your life are appealing to you.


  12. You are looking for some hope in your life.

Okay, those are just 12 reasons for when I think it would be beneficial for someone to go see a therapist. I’m sure there are more, but this is where you help me out.

What reasons are there for going to see a therapist?

Did any of the above reasons resonate with you?

What to Look for in a Therapist

June 30, 2009 in Marriage-Family with 1 Comment

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[image by Matti Mattila]

Now that we have talked about how to go about finding a good therapist in the previous post, let’s talk about some things you should be looking for. Now, this is going to differ based on a lot of factors, but I think most often, it will differ based on your history of how you have chosen therapists before, or how the community you are most active in goes about doing the process. So the criteria varies depending on who you are talking to.

But here are some things that I think are important.

  1. Education: Have they gone to school (undergraduate/graduate) to receive training for this profession? Or have they been through some sort of recognizable and approved training program?
  2. Credentials: Besides education, what other credentials do they carry that enhance their work in this profession?
  3. License: Are they licensed by the state they practice in?  This could vary, as some great therapists don’t carry a state license, but are sometimes certified by an organization (the AAPC is an example), and then they are usually monitored by some governing body such as a church or non-profit organization.  When looking online, look for a therapist’s license number which is supposed to be displayed in most cases. You will see things like LMFT, LMFT-A, LSW, LPC, etc., usually with some numbers following it.
  4. Accountability: This goes a little back to the previous item.  If they are not licensed through the state, or are not recommended or vouched for by a governing body, then be careful.  I have heard horror stories of people who have gone to therapy with someone who was not practicing under proper guidelines.

    5. Continue Reading…

Is There a Therapy Stigma?

June 25, 2009 in Marriage-Family with 14 Comments

This is Post 1/100 in my 100 posts in 100 days series.

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[image by Vali]


There is a lot to talk about in the next 100 days. Lots. So I thought it would be appropriate to start from the beginning. And by beginning I mean…the idea of going to therapy itself. If you haven’t noticed, there is often a stigma when it comes to one going to therapy. The stigma may be culturally…it could be religious…maybe it’s a social stigma.  Or it could be that the stigma is created and influenced by your friends and family. Whatever the case may be, many have talked with me about their fears of just walking out the door and going to therapy.  And I understand that.

Some of you may be reading this and saying, “Stigma, what stigma. I tell everyone about my therapist. He/She is so great!” Growing up in Arizona therapy was talked about openly. And having lived in California the last eight years, all I can say is that having a therapist was often a popular trend, as fashionable as the parties one attended or the private yoga instructor someone met with. It was not unusual to come across a group of people where all of them were seeing the same therapist and openly sharing stories with one another about their sessions.  But Texas is different, and it has its own stigmas about therapy, though I find that most people are pretty open about seeing a therapist.

So what is the stigma about?

  1. Feeling like you are not in control if it’s come to the point of needing/wanting to see a therapist.
  2. Fear of having to reach out to someone for help.
  3. Is the stigma created by being known by others that you see a therapist…or being seen in THAT office.
  4. Or maybe the stigma lies in the fact that things are better left untouch/unsaid…don’t stir up stuff.  Don’t rock the boat.
  5. Maybe the stigma is religious/church…says that all you need is God, not any help from a human.
  6. Or maybe the stigma is that people think only “crazy” people go to therapy.

These are just some thoughts.

I’m curious.  In your opinion, what is the stigma about?

Would you…or have you ever gone to a therapist/counselor?

Was it beneficial?  Why or why not?

What would it take you to walk through that door to see a therapist?

Taking the Stigma Out of Mental Health with the Help of Social Media

April 21, 2009 in Marriage-Family, Technology-Social Media with 0 Comments

3336971302_613f580637The other day I received an @reply from Mikey Ames on Twitter with the message,

@rhetter SM mental health, Vancouver- http://tinyurl.com/dhd2y4

When I opened up the link I read this,

Mental Health Camp – a Conference about Mental Health and Social Media

with the following synopsis,

MentalHealthCamp is a conference about the intersection of social media and mental health. What is social media? Social media is the online practice of sharing personal opinions, insight and content (of text, images, and music). Examples of social media are blogs, Facebook, YouTube, flickr, and Twitter. And mental health? For the purposes of this conference, mental health is the wide spectrum between mental wellbeing (e.g. experiencing a minimum of stress, anxiety and interpersonal problems) and serious mental illness (e.g. heroin addiction, schizophrenia or anorexia). We are also including issues such as ADD. After very positive feedback to a panel discussion about social media and the stigma of mental illness at the 2009 Northern Voice blogging conference, a spontaneous decision was made by some of the attending bloggers that this topic is something that cries out for more attention. We are asking questions such as * How can blogging help decrease the stigma of mental health? * How does someone with a mental illness navigate the waters of anonymity in the transparent world of social media? * How is the journaling that happens in blogging similar to or different from journaling for healing? * How can social media participants with mental health issues help each other?I absolutely love this concept, and my only regret is that I can’t get there on such short notice. But I have been using social media for a long time and have been trying ways to connect it in the mental health, therapy and counseling settings. If you look at my blog I am attempting to use some social media tools such as Twitter, Facebook and FriendFeed to bridge the often isolated world of therapy, with the community of social media.

Though the field of psychology and the practice of therapy is rooted in a long and rich historical tradition, I have always tried to push against the stigma that is often associated with mental health…or with someone going to see a therapist. Maybe I see less of a stigma because I have gone and do go to therapy myself, or maybe it was living in California all those years where having a therapist is right up there with having a physical fitness trainer.

I think there are a lot of things that can be done to slowly erode away the stigma of therapy and mental health, and I think this generation is ripe to break down many of those stigmas that have kept so many people for so long from getting help. I will be interested to see what comes of this gathering, and I hope that we can put one together here in the Dallas/Ft. Worth Metroplex in the coming year as well. But for now I will have to follow the work of Raul from Hummingbird 604 and Isabella from Change Therapy. And hopefully I will get a chance to connect with them via social media.

[image from publik15]

Launching My Private Practice

April 19, 2009 in Marriage-Family, Technology-Social Media with 5 Comments

open_sign_1For many of you that know me, and those of you that don’t, launching my own therapy private practice has been something that I have been wanting to do for quite a while. After a lot of years of work in university life, church ministry, pastoral care and non-profit community mental health agencies I felt that the time was ripe for this transition. I’m very excited about this new phase of my life and I know that all of my experience and training comes to its highest fruition in this type of setting. I’m not only excited about the therapy aspect of my work, but I’m excited about introducing more social media and newer technologies into the communication of my practice and the things that I’m working towards in the field of Marriage and Family Therapy.

You will notice several things on this site:

First, you can connect with me on Twitter and FriendFeed, unless you already have. I will be using Twitter and FriendFeed to not only give you some insight into my personal life, but to provide you with content in the area of marriage, family, relational issues, and generally anything having to do with the area of therapy. And of course you will continue to see my occasional tweets and links about social media and leadership.

Second, you will notice that I have launched a Facebook group dedicated to the field of marriage and family therapy. This will be a site that I hope many will find helpful, both clients and non-clients as I provide resources, as well as avenues for others to connect with me and ask ask therapy, or mental health related questions. Check it out.

Third, I have provided a bookstore with some recommended reading in certain areas of life, as well as a resources page. Both are incomplete so this is where you come in handy.

Fourth, you or anyone else can ask me a therapy/mental health related question, whether you are a client or not. I hope this will be a helpful resource for those in need, or those who are just curious. Participate and help me crowdsource this site, letting me know what you would to see as a potential client in a therapy practice, or what you would want to see as an outside observer looking for resources and information. I appreciate all of your help and encouragement in this endeavor.
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