Tag Archive - teenagers

Youth Ministry, Boundaries, and Burnout — Part 2: Looking at the Population You Serve

September 27, 2010 in Ministry-Theology, Therapy-Psychology with 4 Comments

This is the second in my series on Youth Ministry, Boundaries and Burnout, a topic which has become very important to me over the last couple of years.  In the last post I looked at how seeing youth ministry as a stepping stone to “move up” in the church world can create an environment of unhealthy boundaries and an inability to say no.

Today I want to talk about the population we serve in youth ministry — primarily those from middle school thru high school.

The reality that we often fail to take into consideration when serving this ministry population is that we are working with people who have most likely failed to set healthy boundaries in their own life — let alone know and understand what a healthy boundary is.  Left to themselves they would stay up all night, eat whatever they want, play video games all day, all the while wondering why you (their adult youth worker) shouldn’t be joining in all the fun as well.

Why is knowing this important?

Because one of the norms of adolescence is to test boundaries, and if you are unable to keep your own boundaries you will soon be giving into and playing by the same rules as the youth that you minister to.

What Can You Do?

  1. Know that your boundaries will be tested.  Being aware of this is an important step.  Just expect it to happen.


  2. Set healthy boundaries with your youth.  You do this by setting clear expectations of your role and relationship with them.  You talk about when you are and will be available.  When you will not be available.  What days you take off and are Sabbath days.  You talk about what days you set aside to spend time with your family (if you have one) or other important relationships in your life.  You talk about the difference between an emergency and a non-emergency.  In short, you are communicating to them clear, healthy expectations, therefore beginning to the lay the foundation for healthy relational boundaries between them and you.


  3. Don’t place your self-worth and identity in the kids you serve and in your role as a youth pastor.  Too many youth pastor’s identity is wrapped up in this role, therefore, their identity is dictated by their need to be wanted and affirmed by the youth.  This is a crazy place to be — and it’s a roller coaster ride.


  4. Model healthy boundaries to the youth you serve.  They need to know that you have a life.  That you have priorities.  They need to know that on certain nights you are unreachable because you and your wife are on a date.  They need to know that you take days off to rest and re-energize.  Of course there are always emergencies that we need to respond to, but too often we have placed ourselves in the position and have communicated to our students that we are the ONLY ones they need to come to if something is wrong.  And we often do this because it feeds our self-worth and identity — knowing we are needed and wanted.  So model healthy boundaries to your youth and equip them and your volunteers in ways that keep you from always be the go to person.


  5. Remember that boundary setting is part of the essential tasks for parents and youth workers in helping kids navigate through adolescence and into adulthood.  Kids who don’t have boundaries have a much more difficult time once they leave the home and youth ministry.  Check out Chap Clark’s Disconnected: Parenting Teens in a MySpace World. I think he does a great job of talking about boundary setting in youth.

What am I missing?  What would you add to this list?

Providing Understanding for Parent’s Experiences Around Their Kids and Technology

November 12, 2009 in Marriage-Family, Ministry-Theology, Technology-Social Media, Therapy-Psychology with 1 Comment

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[image by Jeremy]

More and more recently I have been afforded some great opportunities to work with parents around the issue of their kids and technology. There have been some great conversations taking place in the context of therapy, church ministry and some conferences and workshops I have been fortunate enough to play a role in.

Last night the National Coalition for the Protection of Children and Families did a presentation at HPPC on kids and technology, and they asked me to sit in as one of the panel guests in order to help facilitate some of my own thoughts on the presentation and questions that parents might present.

Lars Rood, John Dyer and I did a technology presentation for parents at HPPC back in September, so this was really another opportunity for me to think through some of the primary questions that parents have been raising regarding this topic.

One of the things I have been noticing (and this isn’t different than other parts of the population at large) is that there are a few primary emotions parents tend to experience and express when the topic of their kids and technology is discussed. First, there is fear. Fear of the unknown. Fear of the negative possibilities/opportunities that technology can create for kids. Second, there is naivete. And I don’t say that as a criticism. Rather, it’s the reality–kids are always going to be a step or two ahead of their parents when it comes to technology. So that can create a naiveness on the part of parents. They just may not know what technological tools or social media venues are available to their kids. Sometimes this naivete can put their kids at risk. Third, there is a feeling of defeat. Parents can feel so overwhelmed that they just feel defeated, often choosing to just ignore the issue and let their kids navigate the technological landscape themselves.

These are some of the observations I have made, and I know there are probably more. When you think of these emotions (fear, naivete, defeat), they tend to be more negative and critical in nature. So what I really see as my job, mission and passion is to try and help either remove these emotions from parents, or at least–help parents understand some things about their kids and technology. And hopefully understanding will bring less fear, less naivete and less defeat.

So last night one of the things I wanted to communicate to parents are four reasons why I think technology plays such a big role in their kid’s lives. These are the thoughts I shared:

  1. Technology and the tools of social media decentralize and flatten the hierarchy: What kid doesn’t love this?  Not only do we like it as adults, but kids, especially teenagers love any tool that decentralizes authority and gives them opportunities to participate, rebel, serve, create, etc.
  2. Technology and the tools of social media allow for a participatory culture: Because of the decentralization and flattening of hierarchy, kids are better able to participate, and possibly more willing to participate.  An “architecture of participation” is something I have blogged about numerous times before. Continue Reading…

When Kids Hurt Conference…And It’s Free!

October 1, 2009 in Marriage-Family, Ministry-Theology with 0 Comments

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Here is an amazing opportunity that our church, HPPC, along with some other churches are putting on for people this weekend in Dallas. I hope to see you there.

“For youth pastors, volunteer leaders, and parents, When Kids Hurt challenges caring adults to help self-protective teenagers who are struggling to make the transition to adulthood in the midst of fractured families, an increasingly competitive and fast-paced society, and ambiguous moral guidelines.

When Kids Hurt challenges and empowers adults to understand kids and move toward them in ways that can help them grow and become the kinds of adults our world needs to survive and thrive. “It is our hope and prayer that When Kids Hurt can help leaders and pastors understand what adolescents are going through and be more loving and helpful in the ways they relate to the young men and women in the world,” say Clark and Rabey.”

Chap Clark “When Kids Hurt Conference”
Saturday, October 3rd, 9:00am-3:30am
Fellowship Bible Church, Dallas, TX

The Conference is Now Free!!!
Due to the overwhelming support of several church ministries in the DFW metroplex the cost of the conference has been completely underwritten.

www.whenkidshurt.com

The movie Juno, family facades and brokenness…

February 4, 2008 in Uncategorized with 0 Comments

Saturday night my wife and I went to the movies. Now that’s a treat these days since we have a baby at home. So when we do decide to go to a movie, we are pretty picky. Basically, it better be worth it. We decided to go see Juno based on the strength of great recommendations from our friends who have seen it. That turned out to be a great decision because we absolutely loved the movie. This is the first movie in a long time that both my wife and I left saying to each other, “that is one of the best movies we have seen in a year or more.”

There are a lot of reasons why I liked the movie so much, but I think bottom line for me: It painted a good portrait I thought of everyday American life, and the brokenness, struggles and challenges that many Americans are faced with, and the humor, anger and the whole gamut of emotions that go along with being human.

I’ve spent all of my life in the church, and about 9 years in vocational ministry. And from my experience, though you would think to the contrary, the church is sometimes the last place where the everyday brokenness of people and families is accepted and supported. What do I mean by that? I think in the church we spend most of our time judging other people and families and they way they live their life or the good or bad choices they make. This experience would have clouded my viewing of Juno, if not for the fact that I finished up a year practicum in a community mental health family clinic in 2007. More than any place I have worked, served, etc., that was truly a place where one was privy to the full spectrum of people’s and family’s experiences, both broken and redemptive. And I think it’s because of that experience that I was truly able to just love the movie Juno.

There were so many beautiful scenes in the movie: Juno asking her father if it was possible for people to love each other forever…that she needed to know that was true. To the amazing banter and dialogue. To the touching scene of her boyfriend and father of her child just laying silently with her on the hospital bed, knowing that there were no words to make the situation better. To the touching scene at the end of them singing the song to each other.

I found the movie refreshing and redemptive on so many levels, and partly because they didn’t try to make the audience feel better and push for another ending. It was just real life. Real teenage and American family life.

As I finish up this post I have been thinking about one of the more striking paradoxes in the movie. One the one hand you have this what seems to be middle to lower class family with Juno’s family, in contrast to the upper middle class family that wants to adopt the baby and that lives in the nice suburbs where every house looks the same, and the home appears to be the epitome of what American life should be. But in reality, both homes were struggling and broken, but the upper middle class home that tried to keep up appearances and pretend that everything was okay was the one that ultimately fell apart.

I’m not making a statement about socio-economics here, or the suburbs vs. the city, etc. But rather, often the family that looks like they have it all together is the one that is falling apart. Often, the things that we strive for that we think will make our life perfect (i.e. money, perfect house, the right clothes, job, etc.) are sometimes just a facade for the brokenness and hurt underneath.

Those two things were bridged though I think in the final scenes when the two worlds come colliding together through the adoption and they are able to be a part of each other’s lives.

Have you seen Juno? What did you think about it? Did you recommend it to others, why or why not?