Tag Archive - Marriage-Family

Showing Skin Continued…

I just want to acknowledge that there were and are many angles that I could have gone yesterday in my post Showing Skin at Church.

I knew this going into the post, writing the post, and at the conclusion. And it was even more evident when I received lots of feedback from a lot of you, most of it not in the comment section, but via email, Facebook chat, etc. All good thoughts.

I could have addressed the issue of men more, and the responsibility they have in this issue.

I could have gone deeper on the issue of why modesty is important.

I could have talked about the disposition of our hearts, and how that can be a guide to what modesty looks like in our lives.

I could have tried to offer guidelines. That gets messy quickly.

I could have talked about the nuances of dress, and how what might be modest in some cultures, is or isn’t in others.

So you see…lots of angles, lots of positions…lots of places to go.

And though none of my commenters or friends talked to me about this, I do want to be clear about something: This is not just an issue that we are to put on women, or blame them. That would be like Adam blaming Eve for eating the apple, taking no responsibility for himself. There is a vicious cycle at work here, and I think we all contribute to it to some degree. So the best thing we can do is to come together as communities and be open and honest about it, and the struggles that proceed. And we can be of encouragement to each other.

My friend Wess has a great post where he delves deeper into the heart of the issue: On Immodesty: Too Much Skin (At Church and Elsewhere)?

Also, I’m sure Anne Jackson could have taken her post in many different directions as well, but was speaking out of her heart based on certain circumstances, etc. She continues to raise great questions in her writings.

When we think of the issue of modesty, or showing skin, in church or elsewhere….What are some angles or points of discussion that you would like to see raised?

As a woman, do you feel like the Church blames you, or puts the focus on you most of the time for this issue?

Or what questions do you have in your mind that you would like to see answered or at least wrestled with? One friend was asking me if there are appropriate times, places and contexts for women to dress sexy? So you see, there are a million rabbit trails we can go down, and I’m no expert. So let me hear from all of you.

Pending Reviews: Soon to Come

I am really behind in some reviews, but here is what is on deck:

Sex, Sushi, & Salvation: Thoughts on Intimacy, Community, & Eternity by Christian George.

  • I am almost done with this book and will have a review shortly.  But so far, I really like what I see.  George has a very “Donald Milleresque” style of writing about him.  Which I love.  When I first got the book I chuckled at the title because sex and sushi are really popular in Los Angeles.  That is what sells in this town.  Not so much salvation, though I think that’s what many are unknowingly looking for.  Good combination of words that speak to so many people’s needs, desires and wants.  As I said, I will post that review shortly.

The Vision Deck: 52 Exercises to Inspire Visionary Teams by auxano.

  • This is taking me a little while to review, since I’m trying to take all 52 cards in, and actually use them, rather than just read through them.  So I will have a full review soon.  But what lies at heart in this deck is what I’m passionate about (i.e. team building, collaboration, vision casting, ministry, etc.)

Sexless in the City: A Memoir of Reluctant Chastity by Anna Broadway.

  • Very popular blogger’s blog writings become a book.  I have known her for about 15 years or so, so I’m excited to see her writing published.  This is a fascinating topic for many people, and Broadway is a great writer.  A review will follow soon.

A Leader Becomes A Leader: Inspirational Stories of Leadership For A New Generation by J. Kevin Sheehan.

  • This book just came in the mail today and I’m very excited about.  Very good looking book.  Great photography, stories, anedotes, thoughts, etc., from some of the greatest leaders in a number of distinct fields.  I think the influence of these multiple voices on various topics of leadership should be a great read.

If you think “hooking-up” isn’t a big deal…then you should start reading some of these books!

As more and more studies, surveys and research is being done on the “hook-up” culture, especially in college, there are a slew of books that are beginning to emerge.  One of the interesting things about the “hook-up” culture in college is that it is producing young adults who carry on the same behaviors, and are unable then to carry on any meaningful committed relationships. 

RO just blogged about it at our collaborative youth ministry blog Collection of Crumbs. In the book Unhooked: How Young Women Pursue Sex, Delay Love and Lose at Both, she writes:

Young people have virtually abandoned dating and replaced it with group get-togethers and sexual behaviors that are detached from love or commitment–and sometimes even from liking. Relationships have been replaced by the casual sexual encounters known as hookups…Hooking up’s defining characteristic is the ability to unhook from a partner at any time.

Recently I blogged about the book Unprotected: A Campus Psychiatrist Reveals How Political Correctness in Her Profession Endangers Every Student. She states:

More relevant to my patients at this stage in their lives is that oxytocin is released during sexual activity. Could it be that the same chemical that flows through a woman’s veins as she nurses her infant, promoting a powerful and selfless devotion, is found in college women ‘hooking up’ with men whose last intention is to bond?

I then saw this today at Ivy Jungle’s Campus Ministry Update. It says:

A Textbook on Hooking Up: Kathleen Bogle has published her book, Hooking Up as an analysis of research into the dating and sexual behaviors of college students today. Conducting in depth interviews with students at two unnamed universities – one large public school and one smaller Roman Catholic school, she describes the casual hook up as the “center for college social life.” Her research shows that students overestimate the frequency of hook ups among their peers as well as “how far” those encounters go (kissing, intercourse, etc.). She is quick to point out that such behavior is not new to campus life, but technology and informality have turned it into what she calls “the dominant script for forming sexual and romantic relationships on campus.” She also points out the damage of a hook up culture on women. First, women are much more likely to receive a bad reputation for hooking up. Secondly, her research shows that women do not get what they want (i.e. a relationship) from the casual sex of a hook up – but believe it is the only way to meet men. The culture is also affecting young adults after graduation. When these young adults enter more formal dating environments, many say they do not know how to go on dates and establish relationships outside of “hanging out” and “hooking up.” A full interview with the author is available at www.insidehighered.com (Inside Higher Ed January 29, 2008)

Books:

There are plenty of more books out there on this topic, plus the books that are in favor of hooking up and how to go about having casual sexual relationships. I think that I am concerned more and more for the students I work with who really don’t think it’s a big deal, and fail to think about the long term ramifications of their actions. And usually in the process it is the woman who gets hurt the most as the research is showing.

I think Bogle’s statements are pretty telling:

“center for college social life.” Her research shows that students overestimate the frequency of hook ups among their peers as well as “how far” those encounters go (kissing, intercourse, etc.). She is quick to point out that such behavior is not new to campus life, but technology and informality have turned it into what she calls “the dominant script for forming sexual and romantic relationships on campus.”

The effects of the “hook-up” culture on our youth and young adults

RO has just blogged a great post over at our collaborative youth ministry blog called, What the ‘Unhooked’ Culture Means for Youth Ministry. RO is doing a series on the book Unhooked: How Young Women Pursue Sex, Delay Love and Lose at Both

If you work with youth or young adults you should be following RO’s posts on this topic.

Young people have virtually abandoned dating and replaced it with group get-togethers and sexual behaviors that are detached from love or commitment–and sometimes even from liking. Relationships have been replaced by the casual sexual encounters known as hookups…Hooking up’s defining characteristic is the ability to unhook from a partner at any time.
—author Laura Sessions Stepp

Hooking-Up: A Primer for those in Youth Ministry

I posted the below for Leadership Network’s Book Blog because I think it’s an important book for those in ministry, especially if you are working with college students, or any students in general. “Hooking-up” is not simply a college phenomenon and anyone working with youth knows that. I’ve sat and listened to stories from youth pastor friends that I would find unbelievable if they were coming from anyone else than people that I know. “Hooking-up” is beginning before Junior High, and often as early as 5th grade (and I know people have stories of younger). This book grabbed my attention because though everyone knew that “hooking-up” was pretty much a college rite of passage in some circles, few talked about the effects of that sexual encounter. Now, Miriam Grossman, M.D., goes into detail about her encounters with women on college campuses. And it’s not a pretty picture.

I will be posting more on this issue at this site, as well as our new youth ministry site, Collection of Crumbs, which is a collaborative effort between those thinking theologically about Junior High, High School and College ministry.

Before you read the post below, let me ask you a few questions:

  • Is the “hook-up” culture prevalent in your ministry?
  • What are some of the effects of this culture in your ministry?
  • How, or do you approach this subject openly with your students?

Unprotected: A Campus Psychiatrist Reveals How Political Correctness in Her Profession Endangers Every Student

I’ve been slowly reading through Miriam Grossman M.D.’s new book, Unprotected, and I’m having a hard time finding the right adjective to describe my thoughts…depressing, enlightening, sad. One of the reasons that I picked up the book was because I have been working with college students for almost ten years and I (among many others) have noticed the affects of the “hook up” culture in college circles.

“Hooking up” is nothing new in college, and in fact it’s even made easier through social networking sites such as Facebook and MySpace which allow you to find “hook up” partners at the touch of a button. But now for the first time in many years, those in the medical, psychological and religious fields are taking notice of some of the long lasting effects of this sexual encounter. Dr. Grossman who has been working with college students for over twenty years, and the last ten working as a psychiatrist at UCLA’s Student Psychological Services, wrote this book out of her experiences of working with thousands of college students, and more specifically women on college campuses. Miriam writes,

“Now young people are advised to use latex, and have a limited number of partners (as opposed to unlimited?). There is a tacit approval of promiscuity and experimentation: one study of college students speaks of ‘primary and casual sex partners.”

She goes on to say that,

“More relevant to my patients at this stage in their lives is that oxytocin is released during sexual activity. Could it be that the same chemical that flows through a woman’s veins as she nurses her infant, promoting a powerful and selfless devotion, is found in college women ‘hooking up’ with men whose last intention is to bond?”

As a college pastor this is a necessary book as I interact with students who live in a “hook up” culture. And for the first time in many years, Grossman from a psychiatric perspective is confirming what Christian teachers have been saying.

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