Tag Archive - Marriage-Family

When Couples Fight — The Argument Is Rarely About the “Issue”

May 3, 2012 in Marriage-Family, Therapy-Psychology with 0 Comments


[image by EBKauai]

It probably took me a good 5-6 years of marriage before I realized that the fights my wife Heather and I were having were rarely ever about the issue that we were fighting about.

The fight is just the top of the surface, or as I like to tell couples — the top of the funnel. But as you enter the funnel and dive deeper you realize there is more to the fight than the supposed content a couple is arguing about.

For example, when I thought Heather and I were fighting about too many late nights working (hers and mine) — it wasn’t really about that. In this case, Heather and I’s fights were about feeling disconnected, or not important or valued. And when we are disconnected we experience deeper feelings underneath those. Feeling alone and abandoned (those go way back for me — long before Heather; check out Chapter 3 of my book The Anxious Christian if you want a better glimpse of the core negative feelings that go back way before your partner).

A typical fight that couples bring into my therapy office is over money. But money is just the issue at the top of the funnel — but it’s rarely about that. Dive deeper and one might discover that one of the spouses feels they have no voice in the marriage, and it just comes out in an argument over money. No voice leaves them feeling not important — not important leaves them feeling worthless. That’s just an example.

I could play this scenario out in how couple’s fight about sex, money, kids, in-laws, etc, and you would soon discover that the fight is just the smoke that points to a fire below the surface. And when arguments stay at the top of the funnel, solely focused on the issue, they are rarely healed long term.

Slow Down and Observe
At this point in our lives we have probably developed some pretty good coping skills that cover up the issues below the surface in our marriage. But begin changing your marriage by doing something. I recommend that you slow down and begin to observe the arguments that you and your spouse are having. As you observe pay real close attention to your experience of yourself in those arguments. Ask yourself questions like, “What am I feeling right now?” Not what are you doing, but what are you feeling. “What do I want to do when I feel this way?”

As you pay closer attention to your feelings and coping patterns in an argument you will begin to see below the surface, and hopefully begin the process of gaining a clearer picture of what is happening between you and your partner when you argue.

It may not seem revolutionary, but trust me, it can change your marriage. It has changed mine.

For some guided help on better understanding the patterns you have created between your feelings and coping, I recommend the book 5 Days to a New Marriage by Terry Hargrave and Shawn Stoever.

It’s Impossible That You Aren’t Communicating In Your Relationship!

April 12, 2012 in Marriage-Family, Therapy-Psychology with 1 Comment

Often in the midst of a therapy session a couple will frustratingly declare to me, “We never communicate.”

The truth is that they are communicating all the time, but they just don’t like the message their partner is sending them. If my wife decides to get up when I’m talking to her, walk into our room, and slams the door — she is communicating to me. I just don’t like that message.

In the very short and helpful book, Family Ties That Bind: A Self-Help Guide to Change Through Family of Origin Therapy, Dr. Ronald W. Richardson says this:

“What most people mean by ‘communication,’ however, is sameness. When people think they are ‘really communicating,’ they usually mean they are thinking about things in the same way. When Maggie says George is not communicating, the problem really is that he is not communicating what she wants communicated. We are always communicating; we can’t not communicate.” (pp. 41)

Often couples who are unable to tolerate different messages from one another are struggling with a lack of differentiation in their relationship. Their inability to securely “stand on their own two feet” may signal an emotional fusion that has its roots in their family of origin.

A healthy couple is able to tolerate a healthy balance between togetherness and separateness in a marriage, rather than always feeling the need for agreement.

Steve Jobs, John Wesley, and How Pursuing Opportunities Often Come at Great Cost to Our Personal and Family Lives

October 10, 2011 in Marriage-Family, Ministry-Theology, Therapy-Psychology with 4 Comments

The annals of history are filled with people who have done great things (inventions, writings, art, building, etc.) at great cost to their personal and family life.

So it was not a surprise when I read Steve Jobs’ biographer Walter Isaacson say the following:

Mr Jobs then explained why, despite his famous reclusiveness, he had decided to co-operate with a biographer…

“I wanted my kids to know me,” Mr Isaacson recalled Mr Jobs saying, in a posthumous tribute the biographer wrote for Time magazine. “I wasn’t always there for them, and I wanted them to know why and to understand what I did.”

I was really struck by that statement “I wanted my kids to know me.”

You and I may never invent something like the iPhone, but everyday we are given the choice to pursue opportunities that pull us farther away from our kids and spouse…family — or to say no to opportunities that pull us away from them. And instead make decisions that enrich our families and the lives of our kids.

I wrote this post not as a moral indictment on what choices we make in regards to how we choose to live our family lives…but more so that we understand there is often great cost to our families when we pursue certain endeavors.

Often these choices get even more murky coming in the form of ministry as well. It’s not hard to find historical records and stories of great men and women of God who have left a huge mark on Christianity with their writings and ministries, but who have left a wake of destruction in their personal and family lives.

For example, I remember hearing in my Church history class of the bad marriage and family life of the famous cleric and theologian John Wesley. We can thank him for the legacy he has left, but there was a personal and family cost to getting there.

Are you willing to sacrifice your personal and family life for your pursuits?

People can still pursue opportunities of great cost, and follow God at great cost…without destroying their families in the process. Perhaps we need to pay attention to, and become better at discerning which opportunities allow us to continue to foster our marriages and families in the process, and which ones could be lethal to them.

Encountering the Other in Sacred Space

September 11, 2011 in Marriage-Family, Therapy-Psychology with 3 Comments

“Our relationship lives in the space between us – it doesn’t live in me or in you or even in the dialogue between the two us – it lives in the space we live together and that space is sacred space.” –Martin Buber

 

Such a beautiful quote by the Jewish philosopher Martin Buber, who is probably best known for his amazing work I and Thou.

But what is that space between us?

It’s hard to wrap our hands around it, and to really grasp what it is.

I feel it in therapy sessions when a client shares something so personal, or has a new sense of awareness, that you can’t help but stop and just honor what has just been said or has taken place. Honor that sacred moment.

I feel it in those connections with my wife when we are able to be two completely differentiated and free beings, in a mutually reciprocating relationship.

It’s most elegantly and perfectly found in the sacred space between members of the Trinity–Father, Son, and Spirit. I like how theologian Miroslav Volf writes of this concept:

Perichoresis refers to the reciprocal interiority of the trinitarian persons. In every divine person as a subject, the other persons also indwell; all mutually permeate one another, though in doing so they do not cease to be distinct persons. In fact, the distinctions between them are precisely the presupposition of that interiority, since persons who have dissolved into one another cannot exist in one another. Perichoresis is ‘co-inherence in one another without any coalescence or commixture.’ (After Our Likeness: The Church as the Image of the Trinity, pp. 209).

It’s hard to define as you can see. But think of the implications of this concept in our lives if we truly believe we are made in the image of God (Genesis 1:26).

I think it’s so hard to define and see because we haven’t done the personal work to enter into those spaces with others. Or we perhaps “pollute” that space with things as clinical psychologist Hedy Schleifer points out in this wonderful TED presentation, The Power of Connection.

This video is worth your 20 minutes as she talks about how to encounter the “other” in that “sacred space.”

 

“Love consists of this: two solitudes that meet, protect and greet each other. ”
― Rainer Maria Rilke

An Experience and a Book to Radically Transform Your Marriage

June 21, 2011 in Marriage-Family, Pastoral Counseling, Therapy-Psychology with 4 Comments

If you find me talking about something a lot then that means I’m a huge believer in it.

And you would be hard pressed to find me talking more about something this last year than The Hideaway Marriage Experience and 5 Days to a New Marriage.

I blogged about my first experience at The Hideaway in November of last year. Since that first trip last year I have returned 3 more times as a co-therapist and have now gone on staff as one of the therapists. On top of that, their new book 5 Days to a New Marriage has been released (this month).

No experience has more fundamentally changed my marriage than my time at The Hideaway (and I haven’t even gone with my wife yet since I’m always doing therapy). That’s how powerful the experience is. Heather and I have been working through the book together and we have come to a new place in our marriage where it’s not just about having a good marriage, but a great marriage that is continually growing and thriving. But it’s the model developed at The Hideaway (by Shawn Stoever and Terry Hargrave) and presented in the book that has helped Heather and I understand each other in new ways.

I’m going to be spending some time over the next couple of months writing more about the experience at The Hideaway as well as talking about the model that is presented in the book. I believe that both have the power to change your marriage in amazing ways.

If you are interested in having me present a marriage workshop based on the 5 Days to a New Marriage book, or you are interested in having me train your staff or lay leaders in the model, then please let me know.

I have used a lot of marriage books, models, and tools during my time as a pastor and therapist, but I have found NOTHING as good as what they have developed here.

So don’t wait to transform your marriage.

Start today by attending a marriage intensive, picking up the book, or having me come out and lead a marriage workshop.

Your marriage is worth it.

So You Want To Get Married? Suggested Books and Resources for Your Premarital Preparation

February 1, 2011 in Marriage-Family, Ministry-Theology, Therapy-Psychology with 16 Comments

“What books do you recommend we read in our premarital counseling?”

That has been a question I have been getting a lot of recently. Whether it’s a Facebook message from a friend, an @rhetter comment on Twitter, or some email I receive from someone who came across my blog, it seems lots of people are interested in finding the right books and resources to read in their premarital preparation.

It’s a really good question, I’m sure you will get a million different answers depending on who you ask. I find that people take this stuff real personal, and really want to share with you what books they read in their premarital counseling because understandably they want to be able to contribute to you some ideas of what books influenced their marriage in hopes that it too has a lasting impact on you.

Soapbox: I wonder what would happen to our marriages if we invested as much time into their preparation as we do for all the wedding planning. It would not surprise me if the average couple who actually does premarital counseling spends about 5-10 hours total in this prep. That includes sessions with the counselor and homework on their own. Compare that to the amount of time a couple spends planning the details of their wedding (location, catering, music, photography, honeymoon, seating arrangements, wedding dress, tuxedos, ring shopping, et cetera). You get my point.

Okay, now back to the topic of this post.

There are lots of different directions you can go with premarital counseling, and the books and resources that you might use. When deciding which direction to go, here are a few things to take into consideration.

  1. How much time do you have to do the premarital counseling? A few months?  A few weeks? Days?  Et cetera.


  2. What kind of training do you have?  Are you a pastor who does lots of counseling and performs weddings?  Are you a lay leader who mentors couples? Are you a licensed therapist/counselor?


  3. What kind of couple are you working with?  Are they highly motivated to really invest and engage in the work?  Do they make the premarital counseling a priority?  Will they read the material, or do the assignments?

Once you have answered those questions, then I think that will put you in a better position to help you determine a course of action for premarital counseling, and what resources, books, or tools you might want to implement and recommend.

My premarital work has changed drastically over the last 8-10 years as I have spent more time with couples, changed professions (from pastor to therapist), and have engaged a wider variety or marriage books than are typically touted.

I have a list of 11 books, and 2 resources that I use in my premarital counseling. By that I don’t mean I have a couple read all the books, but I will pull ideas from the various ones listed, and I may make a recommendation of 1-2 books for a couple to read, depending on the couple, and what area of growth I think is most crucial to the success of their marriage. Consider this just the well from which I draw water from. And also know that I use a variety of material from both the Christian and non-Christian marriage literature.



Books
Let me start with books. If I could only recommend five books that a couple reads, or that a counselor/therapist/pastor reads and pulls ideas from, these are the five I would recommend (I would recommend this for marital as well as premarital work):

When To Say YES, When to Say NO, To Take Control of Your Life by Henry Cloud and John Townsend
–Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries. This is a huge area of growth for most people, especially couples as they merge two lives, two families, two careers, etc. together. Most people don’t know how to set healthy boundaries, and if you don’t learn this skill early on in your marriage, it could be very detrimental later on.

Passionate Marriage: Keeping Love and Intimacy Alive in Committed Relationships by David Schnarch
–Two ideas: “self soothing” one’s anxiety and differentiation. Two important concepts that few explicate like Schnarch. Also, Schnarch’s work on sexual intimacy is pioneering work on many fronts, and sexuality tends to often be one subject that couple’s fail to honestly communicate about. Though I hate to put a warning on this book , I must so as not to catch people off guard. This is not a “Christian marriage” book and Schnarch’s graphic writing on topics and blunt language may be offensive to people…though I have found many people thanking me for recommending this book to them. I just think it would be a shame for people to miss out on such a great work on marriage.

Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Love of a Lifetime by Sue Johnson
–When couple’s understand the importance of their early attachment bonds, and how those bonds either positively or negatively influenced their current relationship, it can be a major moment of insight for understanding how they interact. Johnson’s pioneering work on Emotionally Focused Therapy is condensed in this easy to read book, and I think her practical advice can interrupt couple’s negative patterns and promote positive ones.

The Mystery of Marriage: Meditations on the Miracle by Mike Mason
–One of the first books I read on marriage, so it has some sentimental value. And Mason is right, marriage is a mystery, not a five or seven step process that if only followed, equals marriage success. I love Mason’s theological and philosophical insights into the mystery of marriage.

The Total Money Makeover: A Proven Plan for Financial Fitness by Dave Ramsey
–Money, money, money. It’s one of the major sources of conflict in a marriage, and one of the most common reasons leading people to divorce. Why we don’t spend more time helping couple’s work through their issues around money is beyond me. Getting on the same page financially, and holding the same fiscal values can literally free a couple up in so many ways.

I might change my mind on those five tomorrow if a different couple has different needs, wants, and desires, or if I see different areas of potential conflict and needed growth in a specific couple. But when put together, those five books have some powerful principles in them that can set a couple off on the right foot and help positively transform their marriage.

Here are some other suggestions for books I might, and often do throw in the mix.

The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country’s Foremost Relationship Expert by John Gottman
–Gottman is a leading expert on marriage, and this book provides LOTS of great exercises for couples to practice.

Extraordinary Relationships: A New Way of Thinking About Human Interactions
 by Roberta Gilbert
–I love Gilbert’s use of Bowen family system’s theory and how we might think differently about the relationships we are a part of.

Sacred Marriage: What if God Designed Marriage to Make Us Holy More Than to Make Us Happy by Gary Thomas
–Because if the subtitle doesn’t compel you, I don’t know what will. Great antidote to what many couple’s assume marriage is all about.

The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts by Gary Chapman
–A light bulb literally went off in my wife and I’s head (dating at the time) when we realized that we spoke different love languages, but expected the other person to speak the same. Very freeing insight for a marriage.

The Prophet by Kahlil Gibran
–Because at times we need more poetry and less information when it comes to marriage preparation. The section “On Marriage” is a great reminder to couple’s, especially as it pertains to one’s differentiation.

Letters to a Young Poet by Rainer Maria Rilke
–”Love consists in this, that two solitudes protect and touch and greet each other” — Beautiful!



Resources/Tools
And now for a couple of very helpful resources that I use from time to time in my premarital work:

I’m certified as a counselor/trainer in the use and implementation of both of these inventories/programs. These are great tools to use, especially if you are not a trained/licensed therapist/counselor, or if you are a pastor who feels like you need more tools to help you design your premarital work.

Family Wellness: The Strongest Link: The Couple

Prepare-Enrich



Tips
As you prepare for your marriage let me make a few suggestions on how to maybe approach and use the material:

  1. Try reading one of the books together…out loud.  You will be amazed at what stands out to you as you do this.  And you will be amazed and enlightened by the conversations that start between the two of you as you simply read out loud.


  2. Try sharing a book and as you read the book to yourselves, use different color pens to highlight material that is important to you.  It helps your partner pick up on some things that need to be addressed, and may help your partner have insight into what issues you see relevant in the coming marriage, or what issues strike a personal chord.


  3. Start preparing for your marriage (not wedding prep) months in advance.  I recommend at least six months so that you have time to properly address issues that may arise.  If your engagement is shorter than six months, then start right away.  Don’t put off till the end.

So anything you would add to this post under books, resources, tips, etc.?

I know lots of people use Love and Respect by Emmerson Eggerichs, and the two books by Shaunti Feldahn, For Men Only: A Straightforward Guide to the Inner Lives of Women, For Women Only: What You Need to Know About the Inner Lives of Men.

Note to Men: It’s About Being Intentional

January 17, 2011 in Marriage-Family, Ministry-Theology with 8 Comments

I’m not sure why I wanted to write about this topic now. Because in reality, I have been thinking about it for a long time.

Maybe it’s because I work with a lot of men. And maybe because a lot of the men I work with (both in counseling and in ministry) struggle between two opposites. They often wrestle with being passive or being aggressive (angry).

It’s hard to not notice that there has been lots of talk about passive men over the last two decades. I’m not sure where it all began. But in the early 90′s up till now there have been movements and cultural icons of what being a man is about.

Perhaps the more recent images of manliness began with the Promise Keepers’ Movement and Robert Bly’s book, Iron John: A Book about Men –both appearing in 1990.

It really seemed to pick up steam in 2001 with the publication of Wild at Heart.

One thing I do know for sure, lots of men were left with the idea that they needed to head out into the wilderness, brandish their swords, and go to battle. Anything but living out the image of Braveheart (1996) or Gladiator (2000) resulted in not being a man.

I’m obviously overstating the case, but if you attended any Christian conferences, retreats, speaking engagements in the 1990′s and 2000′s it was hard to avoid references to both of those iconic images of men portrayed in those movies. I probably made some of the references myself.

It often felt like pastors, writers, bloggers, and just about everyone else piled on the topic, encouraging men to be more, well, more like men.

And honestly, there is lots of analysis, and lots of direction I could go, but I want to keep it simple.

I have found that being a man is about being intentional (characterized by conscious design or purpose). Too many think that the opposite of being a “passive” or “nice” guy means becoming aggressive or angry.

It’s not. It’s about living a life with intention.

Being intentional in your marriage.

Being intentional with your kids.

Being intentional in your vocation.

Being intentional with your friendships.

Being intentional about your faith.

Men who are intentional seem to be men in other people’s eyes. In the eyes of their wives, kids, friends, c0-workers, etc.

By the way. I have been to two Promise Keepers. I have read Wild at Heart. I love both Braveheart and Gladiator. And they have all been super influential and helpful in my life. But thankfully I don’t have to brandish a sword to be a man, but instead can be a man by living a life of intentionality.

Change and Transition: Re-Defining and Re-Negotiating Your Marital Roles

January 10, 2011 in Marriage-Family, Transitioning with 5 Comments


[image by the Welsh Poppy]

In a marriage, changes abound.

The couple may move houses. They may move states.  They might have a child, or two, or three, or more.

The mom may work as a stay at home mom. Or maybe even the dad might take up that work (I did for a short period of time–easy change, but super hard transition).

They might change jobs, or go back to school.  One of them might get cancer.

Change is going to happen, and the couple is going to have to adjust to the changes.

But what they might not do is transition.

Perhaps a couple has kids that begin to go to school, and the wife/mom who has always worked full-time as a stay at home mom is now re-entering the work force outside of the home. That is a huge change. But I wonder how many couples work through the transition of that? And why is that important? Because though the change has happened, dealing with it psychologically, emotionally, relationally, spiritually, etc. is a whole other aspect of that change.

What happens when that mom goes back into the work force full-time? Does the dad expect the mom to continue on not only with her new job, but also all the same things she did before she worked outside the home? If expectations are not discussed, and are different, then their roles need to be re-defined and re-negotiated, because the change brought about a transition they were unprepared for.

What To Do?
People change and grow and evolve, and so it only makes sense then that so do marriages. Couples need to sit down and look at the evolution of their marriage and how what originally helped them define their roles has perhaps changed. In recognizing that things have changed, then a couple can begin to assess and negotiate how things might now look.

With change in a marriage not only comes the need to transition, but to possibly re-define and re-negotiate the roles. I feel like this is a process that my wife and I are constantly in as we continue to work through changes in our own marriage. When I resigned my job as college pastor at Bel Air Presbyterian Church in 2008, that was a pretty easy change. But it was a super hard transition. And there was a re-defining and re-negotiating of our marital roles. We went from both working, to one working, to me being the primary caregiver, and my wife the primary breadwinner. Easy change. Hard transition. Lots of re-defining and re-negotiating.

Look at some key areas of the relationship that have perhaps changed over the course of the marriage, or that you would like to see change.  Here are some that come up fairly often in my work with couples:

  • Re-Defining and Re-Negotiating the tasks around “keeping house” (i.e. laundry; dishes; cooking; cleaning; yard work, etc.)
  • Re-Defining and Re-Negotiating parenting roles
  • Re-Defining and Re-Negotiating vocation roles (one income/two income; part-time; full-time; etc)
  • Re-Defining and Re-Negotiating hobbies and activities (helping a partner make time for them and achieve them)
  • Re-Defining and Re-Negotiating dreams, goals (travel; volunteer work; retirement; passions; etc.)
  • Re-Defining and Re-Negotiating spiritual life (place of worship; certain beliefs/practices; etc.)

When couples engage one another in the practice of re-defining and re-negotiating roles in their marital relationship, they are also giving their partner the ability to begin to dream again of some things that they might want for their life.  Things that have possibly never been discussed, or that have laid dormant for years.  “Many times, spouses, are willing to make sacrifices for each other and the relationship, but are unaware of what the goals and dreams of their partners are about” (The Essential Humility of Marriage by Terry Hargrave, pp. 193).

Change vs. Transition: Why Most People Will Fail at Achieving Their 2011 Goals

January 6, 2011 in Therapy-Psychology, Transitioning with 10 Comments

Without a transition, a change is just a rearrangement of the furniture.

–William Bridges

I can easily say that I learn as much from my clients in the course of a therapy session, then perhaps they often learn from me. At the end of each day when the last client has left the office, and I lock my door and head home, I am grateful for the many insights that come in my interaction with them.

Recently, one very astute client declared during session, “I love change, but hate transition.”

I was instantly intrigued. My blog for many years has had the tagline, “Transitioning Life’s Journey“, and transition is a topic that I speak a lot on, and that has been an important concept in my own life. But I don’t think I have thought much about the difference between change and transition.

And there is a big difference. Failure to differentiate the two can lead a person down two very different paths.

In the book, Transitions: Making Sense of Life’s Changes (HT: to my dad Timothy Smith and my friend Adam McHugh for suggesting this book to me) William Bridges differentiates the two very nicely:

Our society confuses them constantly, leading us to imagine that transition is just another word for change. But it isn’t. Change is your move to a new city or your shift to a new job. It is the birth of your new baby or the death of your father. It is the switch from the old health plan at work to a new one, or the replacement of your manager by a new one, or it is the acquisition that your company just made.

In other words, change is situational. Transition on the other hand, is psychological (bold added for emphasis). It is not those events, but rather the inner reorientation and self-redefinition that you have to go through in order to incorporate any of those changes into your life. Without a transition, a change is just a rearrangement of the furniture. Unless transition happens, the change won’t work, because it doesn’t ‘take.’ Whatever word we use, our society talks a lot about change; but it seldom deals with transition. Unfortunately for us, it is the transition that blind-sides us and is often the source of our troubles.

And that is the very reason for why many of the changes that people hope to make in 2011 won’t “take.” They will spend all their time making the situational changes, but little or none of the psychological changes.

A husband and wife will commit to change some habits and commit to more date nights, but they may do little or nothing of the psychological work to build and maintain an emotional, spiritual, physical and psychological connection. Date nights alone don’t make for an improved marriage.

A pastor may make changes to the mission of the church he or she pastors, but may have dealt with little or none of the psychological issues in their own lives that may hamper them from effectively bringing about the change. New mission statements don’t make for a new vision.

A recent college graduate may make the change to move to a new city for a new job, thinking this is the answer to their loneliness and feeling of disconnection, but may do little or nothing in the way of dealing with psychological issues that are at the root of the problems. A change of scenery doesn’t create connection.

Change can come easy, but transitioning will take work. So don’t commit to just changing this year, but commit to transitioning.

What Sincerity, Change, and Growth Looks Like in a Marital Relationship

December 7, 2010 in Marriage-Family, Therapy-Psychology with 1 Comment

“Relationships are like a mirror. They show us who we are, how our behavior is perceived, and where we fit. We see a little of who we need to become, where our behavior is inappropriate, and how we must change to fit better in relationships, and this is especially true of the marital relationship.

In order to have a sincere relationship with my spouse, however, I cannot teach my spouse where he or she needs to change. Sincerity in the relationship means that I must learn about myself. I look at what the relationship reveals in me and then I see to do the work on myself, not on my spouse.” The Essential Humility of Marriage: Honoring the Third Identity in Couple Therapy by Terry Hargrave
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