Here’s a list of three pretty distinct articles that I wrote or contributed to in the last month. Check them out and let me know what you think.
Transform Your Marriage at the Start Marriage Right blog.
Katy Perry’s Comments Prompt the Question: How Strict Is Too Strict? at the Christian Post website.
Avoiding Grace at the POTSC blog.
“The technology is rewiring our brains,” said Nora Volkow, director of the National Institute of Drug Abuse and one of the world’s leading brain scientists. She and other researchers compare the lure of digital stimulation less to that of drugs and alcohol than to food and sex, which are essential but counterproductive in excess. New York Times: Hooked on Gadgets and Paying a Mental Price
It seems that almost everyday a new article or study comes out that clues us in to how pervasive the effects of technology and social media are on our lives. Whether the effects are personal or relational, technology and social media are transforming our lives. Some of the ways that it transforms our lives can be expected (feeling connected, up to date information, organization, etc.), but other times the effects are ones we don’t expect (anxiety, affairs, jealousy, anger, porn addiction, lack of intimacy, etc.).
John Dyer and I are speaking at Woodcreek Church in Plano on Sunday night, and this is like the fourth or fifth time in the last year or so that we have been able to collaborate in person on the intersection of technology, theology, and relationships. In this post I would just like to point you towards some resources that you may find helpful as you begin to think more critically on how technology and social media are influencing your life. And I would like to suggest a few tips that you may find helpful in navigating through this issue.
Technology Transforms Us
I have written about this topic numerous times on my blog at rhettsmith.com, and hopefully you will find something helpful there for you to read. I also recommend that you regularly read John Dyer’s blog at Don’t Eat the Fruit. John does some of the best writing at the intersections of technology/theology and technology/relational-practical psychology. Check out one of John’s talks below on how technology is not neutral.
One of the more succinct articles on the topic of the transforming effects of technology on our lives is from New York Times Op-Ed Columnist Charles M. Blow, who has a great round-up of some of the articles and studies of interest, Friends, Neighbors and Facebook.
Last, I want to recommend just a few books with varying themes on the influence of technology in our lives:
The Shallows: What the Internet is Doing to Our Brains by Nicholas Carr
Born Digital: Understanding the First Generation of Digital Natives by John Palfrey and Urs Gasser
Better Off: Flipping the Switch on Technology by Eric Brende
Facebook and Your Marriage by K. Jason Krafsky and Kelli Krafsky
Set Some Technological Boundaries
Most people adopt a technology into their lives without really asking, “How is this technology going to shape me? How is this technology going to change my relationships, or impact my family dynamics? So one of the first boundaries that I think is helpful for individuals and families is to begin with some questions. For example:
Seeking Boundaries Through Questioning
There are lots and lots of questions that you can ask yourself, or those that you are in relationship with (partner, spouse, family, co-worker, etc.). So begin there. Be creative and explore how the adoption of a technology into your life will transform it. Once you have asked some questions, setting some physical boundaries is helpful. For example:
Setting Physical Boundaries
These are just a few suggestions to help you begin the process of thinking through this topic. What suggestions do you have?
The influence of technology is a huge topic, and with each passing day more and more information and studies are coming out as we begin to see some of the effects that our new technologies are having on our lives. So now is the time to begin asking questions and setting boundaries–not only in your own life, but helping your friends and family think through this issue.
Mr. Nass at Stanford thinks the ultimate risk of heavy technology use is that it diminishes empathy by limiting how much people engage with one another, even in the same room.
“The way we become more human is by paying attention to each other,” he said. “It shows how much you care.”
That empathy, Mr. Nass said, is essential to the human condition. “We are at an inflection point,” he said. “A significant fraction of people’s experiences are now fragmented.” New York Times: Hooked on Gadgets, and Paying a Mental Price
I wouldn’t have known what to call it then, what questions to ask, nor what to say since it wasn’t even a topic on my radar. But looking back at that ministry I would have framed it around the topic of boundaries and self-care. The only pastoral advice I had been given at the time were “Take a day off if you come back from a retreat or mission trip” (self care), and “Be careful as a single college director working with female college students” (boundaries). That was it, and unfortunately I think that too often that is the extent of what most youth pastors will be taught in this area.
The topic of boundaries, self-care and burnout has been a very important topic to me in the last couple of years (as you can probably tell by my posts in the last few weeks) — and especially in the area of youth ministry, since how you establish those things at that stage of ministry often sets you up for failure or success in later years.
So check out the rest of the above post that I wrote for Youth Specialties, Setting Up for the Long Haul: Establishing Boundaries and Self-Care.
Youth Ministry
Youth ministry is an important topic to me because of not only my time in youth ministry as a kid, but all the time I have invested in it as a youth pastor and volunteer. Combine that with my other passion on the topic of boundaries and self-care…and avoiding burnout — well you get five posts that I wrote over the last couple of weeks on the topic, Youth Ministry, Boundaries, and Burnout. I hope you check these posts out and that you find them helpful. Let me know if you have any questions or additional thoughts that you want to add to them.
Youth Ministry, Boundaries, and Burnout — Part 1: Youth Ministry as a Stepping Stone (Fail)
Youth Ministry, Boundaries, and Burnout — Part 2: Looking at the Population You Serve
Youth Ministry, Boundaries, and Burnout — Part 3: Have a Schedule
Youth Ministry, Boundaries, and Burnout — Part 4: Where’s Your Identity?
Youth Ministry, Boundaries, and Burnout Part 5: Model the Change You Want to See
Family Dinners
“On the tenth anniversary of Family Day, newly released statistics from the National Center on Addiction and Substance Abuse (CASA) at Columbia University show that teens who have infrequent family dinners — less than three per week — are more than twice as likely as teens who eat with their families at least five times each week to say they expect to try drugs in the future. Those same teens are twice as likely to have used tobacco and alcohol and 1.5 times as likely to have used marijuana.”
I thought this was an interesting article, Simple Fix: Family Dinners Help Teens Avoid Drinking and Using Drugs, and as a therapist, pastor and father, I hear a lot of anecdotal evidence, as well as some research based evidence on the importance of family meals together. I consistently hear that somewhere in the neighborhood of 4-5 dinners a night drastically reduces the risks of your kids engaging in “high risk behavior” (i.e. drugs, alcohol, sex, etc.).
Obviously, having dinner together is not the key. It’s what happens when we spend time together. When you make eating dinner together a priority, you signal to your kids and everyone else, that our time together is valuable. It’s a time to connect and engage one another. It’s not good enough to just have a meal time together, but there is no engagement, the tv is on, and there are other distractions.
Some tips for family meal times:
What else have you found helpful?
Blog Alert
I like checking out and reading a lot of different blogs, but one that I have enjoyed a lot recently is Messy Canvas. I love her writing style (authentic, beautiful prose), and I like the material that she chooses to engage. As a father and husband I find myself resonating a lot with her stories of family life. She also just published a book, Angry Homemade Noodles: Imperfect Motherhood. Check it out.
This is the final post in a five-part series on Youth Ministry, Boundaries, and Burnout. Be sure to check out the four previous posts, Youth Ministry as a Stepping Stone (Fail), Looking at the Population You Serve, Have a Schedule, and Where’s Your Identity.
If you are waiting around for someone to model to you healthy boundaries in ministry there is a good chance you might be waiting a long time for that to happen…if it ever happens. Pastors at all positions in the church are notorious for lacking healthy boundaries. I wish that weren’t so, but it seems to be the case. Though there are pastors who do manage to have healthy boundaries, you shouldn’t be waiting around for them to model them to you. You need to be more intentional about it.
It’s super easy to be a youth worker and to blame all problems on those “at the top.” In youth ministry we often feel like we have all the authority with no power, or vice-versa, so we wait around waiting for things to happen. It’s easier to be passive and blame it on your supervisors than it is to be intentional about making the changes you want to see in regards to your boundaries.
So it starts with you. You need to begin to take responsibility for your own choices…for your own actions. Don’t blame it on others, and pretend that you are just a victim of a boundaryless church and ministerial staff. That gets you no where, and we don’t model healthy behavior to our students when we can’t be mature and take responsibility for our lives.
Where to Start
I’ve mentioned in the previous posts some places you can begin and some books you can read, but let’s break it down real simple here.
Remember. You are responsible for yourself. You are responsible for your choices and actions. You are responsible on whether or not you live by healthy boundaries. Don’t blame the Church. Don’t blame your church. Don’t blame your supervisor. Don’t blame the parents. It begins with you. Make the change.
This is the fourth post in a five-part series on Youth Ministry, Boundaries, and Burnout. Be sure to check out the previous posts, Youth Ministry as a Stepping Stone (Fail), Looking at the Population You Serve, and Have a Schedule.
The reality is that our identity is shaped by those around us. There is just no getting around that. Henri Nouwen in his many writings makes the point that Jesus in Mark 1:9-11 had an identity that was shaped by his relationship to his Father. His identity was affirmed in the words of his Father, “You are my Son, whom I love; with you I am well pleased.” Before Jesus did any ministry that we know of…before he performed any miracles…before he healed any people…he was secure in his relationship with his Father. A security based on relationship, not on performance. That formed his identity. That’s what enabled him to be cast into the desert and resist temptation. That’s what enabled him to go out into the country and into towns and do the work of his Father.
Imagine what would have happened if his identity had been shaped by his work and performance, rather than his relationship to his Father.
Unimaginable I know.
In youth ministry we too often place too much value…too much self-worth…too much of our identity in the work we do and the needs we meet in our students we serve. We are often propelled by the affirmation that the need to be needed gives us.
In your work in youth ministry, is your identity based on the relationship you have with God, or is it based on the affirmation you get from students and the job performance you do?
This is an important question to answer because it will determine not only the trajectory of the work you do, but the boundaries you set.
This is the second in my series on Youth Ministry, Boundaries and Burnout, a topic which has become very important to me over the last couple of years. In the last post I looked at how seeing youth ministry as a stepping stone to “move up” in the church world can create an environment of unhealthy boundaries and an inability to say no.
Today I want to talk about the population we serve in youth ministry — primarily those from middle school thru high school.
The reality that we often fail to take into consideration when serving this ministry population is that we are working with people who have most likely failed to set healthy boundaries in their own life — let alone know and understand what a healthy boundary is. Left to themselves they would stay up all night, eat whatever they want, play video games all day, all the while wondering why you (their adult youth worker) shouldn’t be joining in all the fun as well.
Why is knowing this important?
Because one of the norms of adolescence is to test boundaries, and if you are unable to keep your own boundaries you will soon be giving into and playing by the same rules as the youth that you minister to.
What Can You Do?
What am I missing? What would you add to this list?
On Monday I had the awesome opportunity to hang out with about 100 youth pastors in the Dallas-Ft. Worth area. We were all attending a Youth Specialties luncheon, checking out their upcoming events, hearing about some of their ventures, and just having a good time networking with other youth pastors.
Hanging out with youth pastors is one of my favorite things to do. It’s just a fun, lively bunch of people to hang out with, and I have found over the years, that there is more rich theological thinking and praxis in youth ministry than in most other areas of the church (that’s why it’s a shame when pastors poke fun at youth ministry so much from the pulpit). I’ve never been a full-time youth pastor (i.e. middle school, jr. high, high school), but I’ve volunteered in them for years. I’ve held interim positions, been a college pastor for almost eight years, and I’m currently working part-time in the youth department at Highland Park Presbyterian Church working with families (thanks to my good friend Lars Rood who has given me the opportunity to do some cool stuff in this area).
Youth ministry is a great area of the church to work in.
But one of the things that I have noticed over the years is that we aren’t very good at setting healthy boundaries. Of course, there are a lack of boundaries in other areas and life stages of ministry, but I think youth ministry has it’s own challenges. And the more I work as a full-time marriage and family therapist, I have had more of a burning desire to help those in ministry, especially youth ministry, set healthy boundaries — and if you can establish those boundaries early on in life, they will reward you greatly.
So beginning with today’s post, I’m going to spend the next five posts talking about some specific things that often prevent us from establishing these healthy boundaries, and what you can do about it.
Youth Ministry as a Stepping Stone
I consider it a huge blessing that most of my friends in youth ministry, and those who have had, and continue to have the most impact on me are those who consider themselves youth ministry “lifers” — translation: they love youth ministry…their heart is in youth ministry…they aren’t in youth ministry in order to use it as a stepping stone to positions that are considered more elevated in the Church (i.e. associate pastor, head pastor, etc.) It’s hard to explain, but you can tell the difference between those who don’t see youth ministry as a stepping stone, and those who do. That doesn’t mean of course that you can’t leave that position later — nothing wrong with that — but it’s all about the current mindset of the youth worker.
Here’s then what I often see happening. When we place ourselves in positions where we are always looking to “move up”, we are less likely to set healthy boundaries. Why? Because there is always someone to impress (i.e. head pastor, elder board, etc.). That often translates in to working harder (in an unhealthy way), working more, and creating unhealthy boundaries — all which can eventually lead to burnout.
I recall a time early on in my college ministry career where I was asked at the last minute to do back to back international mission trips with about a two day turn around period. I said I would step in and lead those two trips (trips in which the leaders fell through at the last minute). But my motives were mixed. I wanted to do it to be helpful (and we all have to step in and fill the gap when others need help), but I also wanted to signal to my boss that he could always count on me to step in and be available. And that by doing that, hopefully they would realize I’m a great asset to the church, and they might one day consider me for a more “elevated” position in the church. I’m not saying I consciously thought all of this — and at the time I was super happy with college ministry, and not wanting any other position. But my desire to impress my boss, knowing that this moment may be a memory for him later on if he could count on me was something I thought about. So in order to impress him I sacrificed some relational commitments, school commitments, and it ended up being a real unhealthy time for me in regards to setting boundaries, and feeling burned out.
As I look back at this time I am able to identify it as a situation in which my inability to set clear, healthy boundaries, led me down a path of not being able to establish them for sometime down the road. In fact, it took me another 4-5 years to get to a healthier place, and I continue to work on those boundaries.
If as a youth pastor you are always looking at the next position in the Church, and not planted in the context you are currently serving, then it is that much more easy for you to say yes to things, rather than say no. Being planted in your ministry and not looking on to the next step allows you to have a clearer sense of identity and worth, rather than always looking for it in the next position.
Establish Clear Expectations
One of the things you can do as a youth pastor is to establish early on some clear expectations of your role. This sounds simple enough doesn’t it. But it’s not. I know too many youth ministers who are just so happy to get hired they lend themselves out to be almost a ministry “clean-up” person — always available to do anything that is asked — always willing to say yes — even if it’s not the healthy thing to do. Unfortunately, there are some pastors who know this, and who use their authority and power differential to call upon the youth pastor to pretty much do anything and everything out of their job description.
So if you haven’t established clear expectations yet, it’s never too late. I recommend for a youth pastor at some point (maybe an annual review) to bring forward a discussion of what some clear expectations of what their job description is. You can frame that conversation around self-care, stating that you are wanting to take better care of yourself in order not to burn out, and therefore, better serve, God, the ministry, and the students and families you work with. Establish some clear guidelines/expectations about days off, working overtime, being on call, your ability to serve in other ministries in the Church. Establish the expectation that you too want to be a part of the church as an attendee, and not just a youth pastor who can’t find a place to worship, pray, and be a part of a community as well.
One of the things we have to ask ourselves as youth pastor as well is this: “Am I in this job only as a step to the next church job?” Or “Am I doing this job cause I love it. Because I want to be here and nowhere else?” Knowing your answer to that question is an important step in understand who you are, and what some healthy boundaries in ministry may look like.
Next Steps
Here are some things you could do in the next few weeks/month to begin to establish some healthy boundaries in this area:
Have you ever found yourself violating healthy boundaries because you wanted to impress a pastor, a parent, an elder board, etc.?
In my last post, When You Refuse To Take Care Of Yourself, You Are Refusing To Take Care Of Those Around You, I just briefly reflected on some comments by Rob Bell at the Catalyst Conference 2009 and how I felt they played into self-care.
Self-care is a large topic. For example, what does it mean? I know there are lots of different definitions, but I tend to think of it in terms of how one cares for themselves physically, spiritually, emotionally (psychologically). Anne Jackson adds a fourth one talking about relational health. These things involve some basic things that are sometimes difficult to integrate into our daily lives. Things like getting enough good sleep. Eating well. Setting personal boundaries. Exercising. Spiritual devotion and exercises. Etc.
A couple of observations.
Self-care just isn’t about doing the right things–it’s really a way of thinking that is connected to our identity and who we are as people. So it doesn’t matter too much if you do all the right exercises, but deep down inside you have a distorted view of who you are. Going through the motions is not the same thing as caring for one’s self.
You might say that self-care is as much about being as doing.
Also, the amount of literature on this topic is glaringly absent in many Protestant, Evangelical circles. Please tell me I’m wrong and point me towards it, and then I will stand corrected. I’m not saying there isn’t any period–I’m just saying that Protestant, especially Evangelical theology tends to leave out the topic of self-care. It’s often the Catholic literature that one must turn towards to find any help on this issue. And many have as I have.
Again, we tend to want to go do something…to fix something. That is the wrong view to take on self-care. Ultimately there are some things that we do do…but it’s as much about who we are and about being, rather than doing. That’s a difficult concept for many people who equate doing and busyness with godliness, spirituality, success in ministry, etc.
So what I want to do is recommend some books that I think do a good job of blending two things together: 1) Getting at the root of self-care, and issues around identity, and how they play out in our behavior. So don’t go in expecting just to find a to do list. These are books that get at the roof of the matter, and often that will take you to an uncomfortable, but necessary place. 2) Providing some practical steps for self-care and things that you can practice and hopefully integrate into your daily life.
There are lots and lots of books that I can recommend, but let me start with some basic, very accessible books that I think are MUST READS. Yes, I did say MUST READS. But then again–I’m biased. So I will start with a list of 11 (10 books and a novel series) for you. Every one of them is great and has deeply influenced my life in some profound ways around the issues of how one’s identity and being shapes their view of self-care.
So please add to my list and tell me what books have helped you out in this area of self-care.
This caught my eye:
- Is there any way you’ve neglected to take care of yourself because of the allusion that you have to keep going all the time.
- You need to be fulfilled with energy and vitality so you can love what you do more than you did before.
- Have you been observing a Sabbath?
- Which day of the week can we NOT get a hold of you because your cell phone is turned off?
- Which day of the week do you not respond to emails?
- Which day of the week are your busy doing NOTHING?
- Which day of the week are you feeding your own soul so you can then turn and feed others.
- Until we take care of ourselves, we can’t properly care for others.
- Oftentimes our drive to work and to produce is driven by an unhealthy motive.
- REPENT. Change your thinking.
- Start with yourselves.
- Does your spouse get your very best or does your spouse get what’s left over after you’ve given your best to your church, to what you are building?
(A Sampling of Tim Schraeder’s notes from Rob Bell’s talk at Catalyst)
And then again the same thing here:
Is there any way in your ministry, that you have neglected to take care of yourself? You need to love your neighbor as yourself. You need to take care of yourself so that you can be energized. Which day do you take care of yourself, so that you can give during the other six days of the week?
Does your spouse get your very best, or does your spouse get what is left over from the church? Do your kids get your very best, or do they get the scraps? Our children pick up on what really matters to us without us saying a word.
If it is not going well at home, it will not go well at church. Jesus invites us into a peaceful, calm place in the center of his love. (A Sampling of Kent Shaffer’s Notes from Rob Bell’s Talk at Catalyst
Why it caught my eye–The themes:
1. The inability for self-care
2. And how your inability for self-care affects your family
The reality:
You must learn how to take care of your self (aka self-care). You must learn how to say no to certain things. Even what seems like good things. You must create margins of space in your life where you can breathe and be FULLY present to others.
Because if you don’t….
It’s not just you that suffers, but it will be your family that suffers as well. Spouse, children, relatives. It will be your ministry, or church or organization that suffers as well.
Let’s start with IDENTITY:
Rob Bell is right when he stated: “Oftentimes our drive to work and to produce is driven by an unhealthy motive.” So have you taken the time to stop and reflect on your life…what motivates you to do the things that you do…both healthy and unhealthy? Have you created space in your life to do that? I believe that we do the things we do out based out of a core understanding/misunderstanding of who we are…our identity. And when our identity is misplaced, then we can spin our wheels trying to do more and more to please others or to try to prove our worth. Maybe a parent wasn’t present in our lives growing up so we spend the rest of our lives trying to prove that we are worthy…that we are lovable. Maybe we have failed in some areas of our life, made some mistakes, so we think if we just try harder, and push more, then we will be successful…people will like us.
Who knows what it is for you in your life? I don’t know where you have placed your identity, or where you get your worth from. But we must look at these things, because if we aren’t careful, they can then be the root of our inability to take care of ourselves. And when we can’t, or refuse to take care of ourselves, then we can’t take care of those that God has placed in our lives.
And the really frustrating thing is that I often do such a bad job of self-care…
So what are we to do?
Check out the next few posts as we explore some practical steps towards self-care.
I'm a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (MDiv, MSMFT, LMFT), and co-facilitate marriage intensives. I also love to write, speak, and run.
Author of The Anxious Christian which is tentatively slated to be published by Moody Publishers on March 1, 2012.
To schedule a counseling appointment contact Auxano Counseling at 972-312-8893.
