Tag Archive - psychology

Providing Understanding for Parent’s Experiences Around Their Kids and Technology

November 12, 2009 in Marriage-Family, Ministry-Theology, Technology-Social Media, Therapy-Psychology with 1 Comment

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[image by Jeremy]

More and more recently I have been afforded some great opportunities to work with parents around the issue of their kids and technology. There have been some great conversations taking place in the context of therapy, church ministry and some conferences and workshops I have been fortunate enough to play a role in.

Last night the National Coalition for the Protection of Children and Families did a presentation at HPPC on kids and technology, and they asked me to sit in as one of the panel guests in order to help facilitate some of my own thoughts on the presentation and questions that parents might present.

Lars Rood, John Dyer and I did a technology presentation for parents at HPPC back in September, so this was really another opportunity for me to think through some of the primary questions that parents have been raising regarding this topic.

One of the things I have been noticing (and this isn’t different than other parts of the population at large) is that there are a few primary emotions parents tend to experience and express when the topic of their kids and technology is discussed. First, there is fear. Fear of the unknown. Fear of the negative possibilities/opportunities that technology can create for kids. Second, there is naivete. And I don’t say that as a criticism. Rather, it’s the reality–kids are always going to be a step or two ahead of their parents when it comes to technology. So that can create a naiveness on the part of parents. They just may not know what technological tools or social media venues are available to their kids. Sometimes this naivete can put their kids at risk. Third, there is a feeling of defeat. Parents can feel so overwhelmed that they just feel defeated, often choosing to just ignore the issue and let their kids navigate the technological landscape themselves.

These are some of the observations I have made, and I know there are probably more. When you think of these emotions (fear, naivete, defeat), they tend to be more negative and critical in nature. So what I really see as my job, mission and passion is to try and help either remove these emotions from parents, or at least–help parents understand some things about their kids and technology. And hopefully understanding will bring less fear, less naivete and less defeat.

So last night one of the things I wanted to communicate to parents are four reasons why I think technology plays such a big role in their kid’s lives. These are the thoughts I shared:

  1. Technology and the tools of social media decentralize and flatten the hierarchy: What kid doesn’t love this?  Not only do we like it as adults, but kids, especially teenagers love any tool that decentralizes authority and gives them opportunities to participate, rebel, serve, create, etc.
  2. Technology and the tools of social media allow for a participatory culture: Because of the decentralization and flattening of hierarchy, kids are better able to participate, and possibly more willing to participate.  An “architecture of participation” is something I have blogged about numerous times before. Continue Reading…

Self-Care Is Not Just About Doing, But About Being–And Some Books for the Journey

October 13, 2009 in Ministry-Theology, Therapy-Psychology with 7 Comments

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[image by Tamara Areshian]

In my last post, When You Refuse To Take Care Of Yourself, You Are Refusing To Take Care Of Those Around You, I just briefly reflected on some comments by Rob Bell at the Catalyst Conference 2009 and how I felt they played into self-care.

Self-care is a large topic. For example, what does it mean? I know there are lots of different definitions, but I tend to think of it in terms of how one cares for themselves physically, spiritually, emotionally (psychologically). Anne Jackson adds a fourth one talking about relational health. These things involve some basic things that are sometimes difficult to integrate into our daily lives. Things like getting enough good sleep. Eating well. Setting personal boundaries. Exercising. Spiritual devotion and exercises. Etc.

A couple of observations.

Self-care just isn’t about doing the right things–it’s really a way of thinking that is connected to our identity and who we are as people. So it doesn’t matter too much if you do all the right exercises, but deep down inside you have a distorted view of who you are. Going through the motions is not the same thing as caring for one’s self.

You might say that self-care is as much about being as doing.

Also, the amount of literature on this topic is glaringly absent in many Protestant, Evangelical circles. Please tell me I’m wrong and point me towards it, and then I will stand corrected. I’m not saying there isn’t any period–I’m just saying that Protestant, especially Evangelical theology tends to leave out the topic of self-care.  It’s often the Catholic literature that one must turn towards to find any help on this issue. And many have as I have.

Again, we tend to want to go do something…to fix something. That is the wrong view to take on self-care. Ultimately there are some things that we do do…but it’s as much about who we are and about being, rather than doing.  That’s a difficult concept for many people who equate doing and busyness with godliness, spirituality, success in ministry, etc.

So what I want to do is recommend some books that I think do a good job of blending two things together: 1) Getting at the root of self-care, and issues around identity, and how they play out in our behavior. So don’t go in expecting just to find a to do list. These are books that get at the roof of the matter, and often that will take you to an uncomfortable, but necessary place. 2) Providing some practical steps for self-care and things that you can practice and hopefully integrate into your daily life.

There are lots and lots of books that I can recommend, but let me start with some basic, very accessible books that I think are MUST READS. Yes, I did say MUST READS. But then again–I’m biased. So I will start with a list of 11 (10 books and a novel series) for you. Every one of them is great and has deeply influenced my life in some profound ways around the issues of how one’s identity and being shapes their view of self-care.

  1. In the Name of Jesus: Reflections on Christian Leadership by Henri Nouwen.
  2. The Way of the Heart by Henri Nouwen.
  3. The Inner Voice of Love: A Journey Through Anguish to Freedom by Henri Nouwen.
  4. Let Your Life Speak: Listening for the Voice of Vocation by Parker Palmer.
  5. A Hidden Wholeness: The Journey Toward an Undivided Life by Parker Palmer.
  6. Mad Church Disease: Overcoming the Burnout Epidemic by Anne Jackson.
  7. Leading on Empty: Refilling Your Tank and Renewing Your Passion by Wayne Cordeiro.
  8. Purity of Heart Is To Will One Thing by Soren Kierkegaard.
  9. The New Man by Thomas Merton.
  10. The Critical Journey: Stages in the Life of Faith by Janet O. Hagberg and Robert A. Guelich
  11. The Starbridge Series by Susan Howatch (6 novels in that series–this series gives you a close up look of those involved in ministry and what happens when issues around self-care, identity, boundaries, etc. are ignored–fascinating reading).

So please add to my list and tell me what books have helped you out in this area of self-care.

Does Therapy Need to be Face to Face, In Person to be Beneficial?

September 3, 2009 in Technology-Social Media, Therapy-Psychology with 2 Comments

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[image by Wrote]

It was inevitable that with the emergence of more and more of our lives online that the field of therapy would see more and more benefit from doing therapy online, but even still, lots of questions remain for both practitioners and clients. In an article from Monday (thanks to John Saddington for pointing me to the article) the title says it all, Therapy online: Good as face to face? The article begins by talking about a study on the topic of depression:

Participants were randomly assigned to either receive online cognitive behavioral therapy in addition to usual physician care — which may include antidepressant medication — or to continue their usual care and be placed on a waiting list. The intervention consisted of up to 10 55-minute sessions, five of which were expected to be completed by the four-month follow-up.

Of the 113 people who did online therapy, 38 percent recovered from depression after four months, compared with 24 percent of people in the control group. The benefits were maintained at eight months, with 42 percent of the online therapy group and 26 percent of the control group having recovered.

The level of benefit shown in the study is about the same as could be expected from traditional therapy, although the researchers did not compare the two as part of the experiment, said Dr. Gregory Simon, a psychiatrist and researcher at Group Health Cooperative in Seattle, Washington, who wrote the editorial that accompanied the study.

Benefits of Online Therapy
This article and a slew of other articles out there talk about the many benefits of doing therapy online. Things such as:

  1. Providing therapy to those with limited/no access to see a therapist.
  2. Some studies show that therapy over the internet allows clients to put down their guard, be more open and vulnerable than in person.
  3. Often the stigma of going into see a therapist is removed.
  4. According to some studies, like the one above, the benefit of therapy online is similar to that in person.

These are just a few of the more common benefits.

What other benefits can you think of?

Limitations of Online Therapy

  1. Some experts say that online therapy limits some of the visual cues in gesture, as well as “speech intonations.”
  2. Some see a limitation in rapport building when not done in person. Continue Reading…

Pushing Beyond the Limits of Your Pie

August 6, 2009 in Uncategorized with 4 Comments

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[image by net_efekt's]


Marathon Training
In the Spring of 2006 I had this deep yearning to run a marathon, something I had never done before, yet something I always wanted to do. Training for this marathon was going to require some shifting of things in my schedule, because 3 days a week of running, over a 16 week time frame didn’t fit into my schedule too easily. I was a full-time college pastor, a graduate student, newly married, and I had lots of interests. So I made the decision that some things in my life had to go if I wanted to add that much running to it. So what eventually went was teaching myself guitar, extra tv watching, as well as fast food and late, late nights.

Now don’t get me wrong, I actually tried to add that much running to my life without getting rid of anything else, but I kept coming up against my personal limitations as well as natural limitations. Primarily, energy and time. I didn’t have the energy to do everything I wanted to do, and the days were created in such a way that I could not add more time to them than God had already allotted. I pushed and pushed, but I couldn’t make it all fit.

Looking at our Limitations
I think we often do this in our lives. If you can imagine your day in terms of a pie graph, how do you visually break up the different elements of your day? Work, sleep, eating, relaxation, relationships, etc. The pie graph has limits because you can’t add something to that graph without shrinking one of the other elements, or all of the elements, or eliminating one or some of them. It is impossible. Yet, we try to hard to add things to our lives without acknowledging our limitations. We think we are super human and can do it all. But really, that just leads us to exhaustion and poor boundaries eventually.

For example, when I work with clients there are 3 things that I tell them they must have in their pie graph if they are going to maintain some proper mental health. Exercise, Diet, Sleep. When a client can have healthy habits in those three areas it’s actually quite amazing how that can enhance one’s life. And then we add things like relationships (time with wife, kids, family, etc.). And work of course. What about play? Hobbies?

I ended up running two marathons in 6 months (Chicago in October of 2006 and Los Angeles in March of 2007), but I had to make sacrifices and put some things in my life on hold as I mentioned above. I signed up for other marathons in 2007 and 2008, but we had our first baby that summer. I tried to go out and run, but the combination of late, late nights, and no sleep just took their toll and I ran into my limits again. Marathons could not fit into my life. Now it’s 2009 and my daughter sleeps well and I have once again decided to run a marathon this December but I have had to make some choices because I’ve learned that God has created me to live within certain limits. Limits that cannot be overcome…even with the latest technology.

So as I enter into a new season of marathon training I have decided that certain pieces of my pie are going to have to shrink if I am going to add the marathon training to it. I’m definitely not decreasing family relationships, or work, so I have decided that I have to shrink my technology use if I’m going to make room in that pie for more running, as well as more sleep to run well.

“Everything in the universe has a nature, which means limits as well as potentials, a truth well known by people who work daily with the things of the world. Making pottery, for example, involves more than telling the clay what to become. The clay presses back on the potter’s hands, telling her what it can and cannot do–and if she fails to listen, the outcome will be both frail and ungainly. Engineering involves more than telling materials what they must do. If the engineer does not honor the nature of the steel or the wood or the stone, his failure will go beyond aesthetics: the bridge or the building will collapse and put human life in peril.

The human self also has a nature, limits as well as potentials. If you seek vocation without understanding the material you are working with, what you build with your life will be ungainly and may well put lives in peril, your own and some of those around you. “Faking it” in the service of high values is no virtue and has nothing to do with vocation. It is an ignorant, sometimes arrogant, attempt to override one’s nature, and it will always fail.

Our deepest calling is to grow into our own authentic selfhood, whether or not it conforms to some image of who we ought to be. As we do so, we will not only find the joy that every human being seeks–we will also find our path of authentic service in the world. True vocation joins self and service, as Frederick Buechner asserts when he defines vocation as ‘the place where your deep gladness meets the world’s deep need.’” (Let Your Life Speak: Listening for the Voice of Vocation by Parker Palmer, pp. 15-16)

Depression: Getting Honest With Our Journey

July 20, 2009 in Ministry-Theology, Technology-Social Media, Therapy-Psychology with 2 Comments

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[image by Church Online]

This week I have had the opportunity to share some thoughts around depression with LifeChurch.tv. You can watch the 4:34 minute video, An Anchor in the Journey-Exodus 17:1 as I talk about the importance of seeing our lives as a journey, and the experiences we will come up across during the journey…such as depression.

Whether you are struggling with depression yourself, or just know someone who is, I hope that you can resonate with the video and the post below.

I remember where I was at the exact moment I read the words below by Rob Bell in his book Velvet Elvis: Repainting the Christian Faith. I was sitting on our couch in Pasadena, CA and as I read each word the resonance grew deeper and deeper within me until I finally felt like I was hit by a ton of breaks…but at least understood. At least there was some pastor out there I thought, this one in Michigan, who put words to my feelings and thoughts in ways that I was not able to at the time. Bell says,

Once again I am going to give you some numbers, and I hesitate to do so, but it is part of the story and it helps to explain the rest. Two years into it, there were around 10,000 people coming to the three gatherings on Sundays.

In the middle of all this growth and chaos was me, superpastor. I was doing weddings and funerals and giving spiritual direction and going to meetings and teaching and dealing with crises and visiting people in prison and at the hospital–the pace and the workload were unreal.

I can’t begin to describe what it was like because it was happening so fast. One minute you have these ideas about how it could be and the next minute you are leading this exploding church/event/monster. All of a sudden there are all of these people who know who you are and want something from you and think you’re a big deal, and you are the same person you’ve always been. Everything has changed and yet it hasn’t. It’s hard to explain, but I found myself asking, “Where is the training manual?”

Continue Reading…

Our Identity in Social Media/Technology Engagement

July 6, 2009 in Ministry-Theology, Therapy-Psychology with 1 Comment

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[image by LollyKnit]

Identity in Christ
One of the most crucial passages of scripture in the Bible in regards to our identity is Mark 1:9-14:

“9, And it came to pass in those days, that Jesus came from Nazareth of Galilee, and was baptized of John in Jordan. 10, And straightway coming up out of the water, he saw the heavens opened, and the Spirit like a dove descending upon him: 11, And there came a voice from heaven, saying, Thou art my beloved Son, in whom I am well pleased. 12, And immediately the spirit driveth him into the wilderness. 13, And he was there in the wilderness forty days, tempted of Satan; and was with the wild beasts; and the angels ministered unto him. 14, Now after that John was put in prison, Jesus came into Galilee, preaching the gospel of the kingdom of God.”

Several things stick out in this passage, and Henri Nouwen writes about this topic quite frequently in many of his writings. But most crucial for us is that we see Jesus’ identity being affirmed for who he is, and not because of what he does. Before we know much of anything of Jesus’ early life, and before he goes on to do his ministry, we see that his Father loves him and is well pleased with him. It’s because Jesus’ identity is rooted in his relationship with his Father, he is then able to be in the wilderness and then go out and preach the gospel.

It is only when our relationship is rooted in our relationship in Jesus Christ, then can we go out into the world and do what God has called us to do. The problem is that for most of us, our identity is rooted in what we do, not in who we are. So it shouldn’t be a surprise then when we go out into the world and feel lost if we continually have our identity in other things.

I have been thinking about this topic quite a bit, because what I have come to realize is that a lot of what I do is based on what I do, not on who I am. I start to wonder about why I blog, Twitter, write, etc. Where is my identity truly located? Is it in Jesus Christ, or in the identities that I have developed, and that are affirmed by others based on the things I do? And I’m certainly not the first to be asking questions about our use of social media, identity, etc. (here and here to start).

Continue Reading…

So What is Marriage and Family Therapy?

June 28, 2009 in Marriage-Family with 1 Comment

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[image by mescon]


Sometimes I get the question, “So what does a marriage and family therapist do?” It’s a legit question, especially amongst some of the confusion over the differences between a psychologist, counselor, social worker, etc. There are a lot of ways I can answer that question, but I most often talk about marriage and family focusing on the entire system that one lives in (family, school, work, social) and how that affects the person in therapy, rather than seeing them as an individual, isolated from the impact of others upon their lives and the choices they make.

I like the very brief and succinct way the American Association for Marriage and FamilyTherapy puts it. They write:

What is Marriage and Family Therapy?
A family’s patterns of behavior influences the individual and therefore may need to be a part of the treatment plan. In marriage and family therapy, the unit of treatment isn’t just the person – even if only a single person is interviewed – it is the set of relationships in which the person is imbedded.

Marriage and family therapy is:

* brief
* solution-focused
* specific, with attainable therapeutic goals
* designed with the “end in mind.”

Marriage and family therapists treat a wide range of serious clinical problems including: depression, marital problems, anxiety, individual psychological problems, and child-parent problems.

Research indicates that marriage and family therapy is as effective, and in some cases more effective than standard and/or individual treatments for many mental health problems such as: adult schizophrenia, affective (mood) disorders, adult alcoholism and drug abuse, children’s conduct disorders, adolescent drug abuse, anorexia in young adult women, childhood autism, chronic physical illness in adults and children, and marital distress and conflict.

Marriage and family therapists regularly practice short-term therapy; 12 sessions on average. Nearly 65.6% of the cases are completed within 20 sessions, 87.9% within 50 sessions. Marital/couples therapy (11.5 sessions) and family therapy (9 sessions) both require less time than the average individuated treatment (13 sessions). About half of the treatment provided by marriage and family therapists is one-on-one with the other half divided between marital/couple and family therapy, or a combination of treatments.

You can also find out more information by reading the Wikipedia entry on family therapy which is pretty good.

Marriage and Family Therapists (MFT’s) work with a wide range of clinical issues, whether it be family, couple or individual. But I think one of the strengths of them is their focus on the entire system.

I’m curious. When you look for a therapist, psychologist, counselor, etc., do you see any distinguishing characteristics in their training or credentials, or do you usually lump them all into one group?

Taking the Stigma Out of Mental Health with the Help of Social Media

April 21, 2009 in Marriage-Family, Technology-Social Media with 0 Comments

3336971302_613f580637The other day I received an @reply from Mikey Ames on Twitter with the message,

@rhetter SM mental health, Vancouver- http://tinyurl.com/dhd2y4

When I opened up the link I read this,

Mental Health Camp – a Conference about Mental Health and Social Media

with the following synopsis,

MentalHealthCamp is a conference about the intersection of social media and mental health. What is social media? Social media is the online practice of sharing personal opinions, insight and content (of text, images, and music). Examples of social media are blogs, Facebook, YouTube, flickr, and Twitter. And mental health? For the purposes of this conference, mental health is the wide spectrum between mental wellbeing (e.g. experiencing a minimum of stress, anxiety and interpersonal problems) and serious mental illness (e.g. heroin addiction, schizophrenia or anorexia). We are also including issues such as ADD. After very positive feedback to a panel discussion about social media and the stigma of mental illness at the 2009 Northern Voice blogging conference, a spontaneous decision was made by some of the attending bloggers that this topic is something that cries out for more attention. We are asking questions such as * How can blogging help decrease the stigma of mental health? * How does someone with a mental illness navigate the waters of anonymity in the transparent world of social media? * How is the journaling that happens in blogging similar to or different from journaling for healing? * How can social media participants with mental health issues help each other?I absolutely love this concept, and my only regret is that I can’t get there on such short notice. But I have been using social media for a long time and have been trying ways to connect it in the mental health, therapy and counseling settings. If you look at my blog I am attempting to use some social media tools such as Twitter, Facebook and FriendFeed to bridge the often isolated world of therapy, with the community of social media.

Though the field of psychology and the practice of therapy is rooted in a long and rich historical tradition, I have always tried to push against the stigma that is often associated with mental health…or with someone going to see a therapist. Maybe I see less of a stigma because I have gone and do go to therapy myself, or maybe it was living in California all those years where having a therapist is right up there with having a physical fitness trainer.

I think there are a lot of things that can be done to slowly erode away the stigma of therapy and mental health, and I think this generation is ripe to break down many of those stigmas that have kept so many people for so long from getting help. I will be interested to see what comes of this gathering, and I hope that we can put one together here in the Dallas/Ft. Worth Metroplex in the coming year as well. But for now I will have to follow the work of Raul from Hummingbird 604 and Isabella from Change Therapy. And hopefully I will get a chance to connect with them via social media.

[image from publik15]

Emerging Into Our Identity

March 5, 2009 in Marriage-Family, Ministry-Theology, Therapy-Psychology with 9 Comments

windingroadEmerging Adulthood
I have always seemed to work with a lot of people in the midst of that life transition from college to young adult, or to what is often referred to as emerging adulthood.  So because of the extension of adolescence, and the pushing of adulthood and it’s responsibilities to later years (late 20′s to early and mid-30′s) people often find themselves wrestling with questions that have often been resolved, or at least grappled with in early developmental stages.

In my work as a college admission recruiter, college pastor and marriage and family therapist, I often work with people who come to me with questions that they can’t quite formulate themselves, but that touch at the core of who they are, and are very existential in nature in many ways.

They are questions of identity, or “Who am I”, “What am I to do”, “What do I believe.”

Fundamental Questions
Over the last 6 months my supervisor has helped me formulate some questions that touch at the heart of clients that I work with that are going through this life transition.

So I often tell my client that they are asking 3 very basic, very fundamental questions:

  1. Who am I?
  2. What am I to do with myself?
  3. How am I to be loved?

Questions that we have been asking for thousands of years, and in reality, each of the questions are components of one another, and sometimes one must be answered for the other to be answered as well.

Continue Reading…

Depression, Burnout & Ministry: Soren Kierkegaard on Actuality, Freedom and Possibility

February 12, 2009 in Ministry-Theology, Therapy-Psychology with 1 Comment

kierkegaardOne of my favorite writers, thinkers, philosophers, theologians, psychologists is Soren Kierkegaard. Ever since reading Fear and Trembling when I was 22 he has continued to profoundly shape my life and thinking.

So it is not surprising that in the book Depression and Hope by Howard W. Stone, that it is Kierkegaard that has something to say to us on this issue. Let me quote at length the following passage from the book:

Soren Kierkegaard’s understanding of persons–for our purposes depressed persons–also helps us understand hope. In The Sickness Unto Death, he describes persons as possessors of actuality, freedom, and possibility. All three are a part of the authentic self, and a good relationship of all three is necessary for authentic existence. Actuality refers primarily to the past; it includes our context, our psychological predispositions, and choices we have previously made.

Freedom is what we have in the present. It is a finite freedom, exercised within the limits of our situation and abilities, our givens and past choices. Because of our actualities we cannot simply become whatever we want to be ‘if we try hard enough for it.’ We make choices, and act, from the range of options available to us.

Possibility addresses the future. It is what we can become as we use our freedom. In that respect our possibilities are not predetermined. We are not automatons. We can imagine, and within the givens of life we can become something new. Living as an authentic self, according to Kierkegaard, means looking beyond our immediate necessities or past liabilities. We anticipate the future with the awareness that we are free–however limited–to actualize whom we ought to become as faithful Christians and to take responsibility for shaping that future.

In short, faithful Christian living requires recognition of givens from the past and exercise of finite freedom in the present, so that positive future possibilities can be imagined and brought into existence. Those who are depressed, viewed from Kierkegaards’ understanding of persons, allow their actuality (past) to limit and dominate their possibility (future) by not exercising their finite freedom in the present. So the anguish of depression comes not only from dwelling on negative past but also from the loss of a positive future. Unfortunately, much counseling offered to the depressed focuses on actuality, on the past. It is a grave error. The purpose of the minister giving care to the depressed is to engender a hope that recognizes actuality but also steps directly into the future by exercising freedom in the present, by taking action.

The good news is that there are care and counseling methods that can engender future hope in melancholic individuals. Methods especially useful for enlivening hope include searching for exceptions, reframing, focusing on people’s strengths, and creating future goals as a way to move away from preoccupation with the past (47-48).

Questions:

  1. How does Kierkegaard’s understanding of people fit into your understanding of people?
  2. Does your theology compliment Kierkegaard’s understanding of people, or contrast with it?
  3. How do you understand both our limits and freedom as people, and our ability those parameters offer to treat depression?

Previous Posts in the Depression, Burnout & Ministry Series
Depression, Burnout & Ministry: Deciding to Get Honest About Our Journeys
Depression, Burnout & Ministry: Anne Jackson Interview, Part 1
Depression, Burnout & Ministry: Anne Jackson Interview, Part2
Depression, Burnout & Ministry: Assessment
Depression, Burnout & Ministry: Christians and Medications
Depression, Burnout & Ministry: Discernment in Pastoral Caregiving

Disclaimer: This blog post is not to be a substitute for professional help or advice. Please consider seeking out professional help if you consider yourself to be at risk for depression.
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