Tag Archive - private practice

Some Poets on Boundaries and Differentiation

May 12, 2009 in Marriage-Family with 3 Comments

Two of my favorite poets are the German poet Rainer Maria Rilke and the Lebanese American poet Kahlil Girban. One of the things that has drawn me to these two poets, especially when they write on love and marriage is the way in which they speak of relational boundaries, specifically what we talk of in marriage therapy as differentiation. This has always been intriguing to me, but even more so as I work with couples in therapy.

I wrote this at the end of April concerning differentiation:
Schnarch will often say that differentiation is knowing where one begins, and one ends. Or the balance between one’s desire for belonging/relationship, and the desire for freedom/independence.

Knowing where one begins, and one ends in a relationship/marriage, as well as the balance between one’s desire for belonging and independence is something that I think Rilke and Gibran capture beautifully.

Enjoy the two entries by Rilke and the one by Gibran:

“On Love & Other Difficulties…”

Rilke on Marriage…

“The point of marriage is not to create a quick commonality by tearing down all boundaries; on the contrary, a good marriage is one in which each partner appoints the other to be the guardian of his solitude, and thus they show each other the greatest possible trust. A merging of two people is an impossibility, and where it seems to exist, it is a hemming-in, a mutual consent that robs one party or both parties of their fullest freedom and development. But once the realization is accepted that even between the closest people infinite distances exist, a marvelous living side-by-side can grow up for them, if they succeed in loving the expanse between them, which gives them the possibility of always seeing each other as a whole and before an immense sky.”

Rainer Maria Rilke
May 14, 1904, Rome

Continue Reading…

Relational Tension: Connectedness vs. Separateness

May 6, 2009 in Marriage-Family with 0 Comments

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“Stewart and Shannon were dealing with one of the most pervasive problems of intimate partnership, the drawing of personal boundaries. Boundaries exist on two levels: behavioral and emotional. Behavioral boundaries refer to the preferred amount of togetherness in a relationship. The second, emotional, level has to do with distinguishing which thoughts and feelings and wishes are within the self and which are within the partner.


According to Murray Bowen, there are two major human needs: the need to be a separate self and the need to be connected to others. Although it’s possible to satisfy both needs, there is a tension between them, and most people lean either in the direction of being connected or of being independent. This inner tension between autonomy and intimacy is related to the outer pattern of togetherness and separateness that Salvador Minuchin referred to as enmeshment and disengagement.” (Inside Family Therapy: A Case Study in Family Healing by Michael P. Nichols, pp. 44)

What Happens When You Set Boundaries in a Relationship

May 4, 2009 in Marriage-Family with 0 Comments

I’ve been talking briefly this last week about boundaries, especially since it is such a popular topic not only among those who go see a therapist, but it is popularized in self-help books, magazines, talk shows and about everywhere you look.



Unfortunately, boundaries may be talked a lot about, but they are easier to talk about than to develop and to live within. In terms of setting boundaries two fears often arise when we think about them in terms of our relationships:

  1. What if I set a boundary? It’s risky.  What if the person doesn’t like what I have to say?  Or worse, doesn’t want to be my friend, or stay in a relationship.
  2. What if I don’t set a boundary? That’s risky too.  I might remain in the same situation, with the same dynamic replaying in the relationship.

I love what Henry Cloud and John Townsend say in their great book Boundaries:

We are built for relationship. Attachment is the foundation of the soul’s existence. When this foundation is cracked or faulty, boundaries become impossible to develop. Why? Because when we lack relationship, we have nowhere to go in a conflict. When we are not secure that we are loved, we are forced to choose between two bad options:

  1. We set limits and risk losing a relationship.
  2. We don’t set limits and remain a prisoner to the wishes of another. (pp. 64)

What is your biggest worry/fear/anxiety in setting a boundary in a relationship?

What Are Boundaries?

April 23, 2009 in Marriage-Family, Technology-Social Media with 0 Comments

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[image by The Wandering Angel]

Boundaries. It’s a topic that comes up quite a bit, and it comes up in a variety of contexts. The context I most often hear it in regards to relationships. Boundaries is a subject that I talk with many people about, and it’s a subject that we are all continually striving to understand better.

More recently I have heard the topic in the context of marital relationships, and what are healthy and unhealthy boundaries? And what is a boundary? It’s become an increasingly more popular topic as the idea of boundaries doesn’t just concern the relationships we are involved in, in the physical space, but the ones that we are involved in online as well.

Over the next few weeks I’m going to be posting some entries on the topic of boundaries from a variety of different authors, talking about a variety of different contexts.

41ze1dmlyvl_bo2204203200_pisitb-sticker-arrow-clicktopright35-76_aa240_sh20_ou01_But today, I want to begin with an excerpt from perhaps one of the most well known, cited and popular books out there on this topic. Boundaries: When to Say YES, When to Say NO, To Take Control of Your Life was first published in 1992 by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend. Continue Reading…

Launching My Private Practice

April 19, 2009 in Marriage-Family, Technology-Social Media with 5 Comments

open_sign_1For many of you that know me, and those of you that don’t, launching my own therapy private practice has been something that I have been wanting to do for quite a while. After a lot of years of work in university life, church ministry, pastoral care and non-profit community mental health agencies I felt that the time was ripe for this transition. I’m very excited about this new phase of my life and I know that all of my experience and training comes to its highest fruition in this type of setting. I’m not only excited about the therapy aspect of my work, but I’m excited about introducing more social media and newer technologies into the communication of my practice and the things that I’m working towards in the field of Marriage and Family Therapy.

You will notice several things on this site:

First, you can connect with me on Twitter and FriendFeed, unless you already have. I will be using Twitter and FriendFeed to not only give you some insight into my personal life, but to provide you with content in the area of marriage, family, relational issues, and generally anything having to do with the area of therapy. And of course you will continue to see my occasional tweets and links about social media and leadership.

Second, you will notice that I have launched a Facebook group dedicated to the field of marriage and family therapy. This will be a site that I hope many will find helpful, both clients and non-clients as I provide resources, as well as avenues for others to connect with me and ask ask therapy, or mental health related questions. Check it out.

Third, I have provided a bookstore with some recommended reading in certain areas of life, as well as a resources page. Both are incomplete so this is where you come in handy.

Fourth, you or anyone else can ask me a therapy/mental health related question, whether you are a client or not. I hope this will be a helpful resource for those in need, or those who are just curious. Participate and help me crowdsource this site, letting me know what you would to see as a potential client in a therapy practice, or what you would want to see as an outside observer looking for resources and information. I appreciate all of your help and encouragement in this endeavor.
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