Tag Archive - LMFTA

Book Recommendation: The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work

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“Perhaps the biggest myth of all is that communication–and more specifically, learning to resolve your conflicts–is the royal road to romance and an enduring, happy marriage. Whatever a marriage therapist’s theoretical orientation, whether you opt for short-term therapy, long-term therapy, or a three-minute radio consultation with your local Frasier, the message you’ll get is pretty uniform: Learn to communicate better. The sweeping popularity of this approach is easy to understand. When most couples find themselves in a conflict (whether it gets played out as a short spat, an all-out screaming match, or stony silence), they each gird themselves to win the fight. They become so focused on how hurt they feel, on proving that they’re right and their spouse is wrong, or on keeping up a cold shoulder, that the lines of communication between the two may be overcome by static or shut down altogether. So it seems to make sense that calmly and lovely listening to each other’s perspective would lead couples to find compromise solutions and regain their marital composure….the problem is that it doesn’t work.” (pp. 8-10)

During this blogging series I want to continue to point out different books that could be helpful for you on the topic of marriage. One of the books that is quite popular and you see talked about a lot is The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John M. Gottman and Nan Silver. Gottman is probably most well known for ability to predict divorce with 91 percent accuracy by watching/listening to couples interact for less than five minutes.  He is also quite well known for his Four Horsemen that he points to as warning signs when they work their way into a marriage (Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, Stonewalling).

In the book Gottman talks about the principles that do make marriage work, and the warning signs that couples must watch out for. His seven principles are:

  1. Enhance Your Love Maps
  2. Nurture Your Fondness and Admiration
  3. Turn Toward Each Other Instead of Away
  4. Let Your Partner Influence You
  5. The Two Kinds of Marital Conflict
  6. Solve Your Solvable Problems
  7. Overcome Gridlock
  8. Create Shared Meaning

I like Gottman’s book, and he has some great, tangible exercises (lots and lots of them) for couples to use to help them work through the seven principles.  When it comes to books on marriage, this is one of the more easily read and accessible books for those who haven’t done too much study on the topic. There are lots of other books I like on marriage (which I will also recommend later), but this is just one of them that I have found to be helpful for many couples.

Have you read this book before? Was it helpful? Why or why not?

Are You Afraid of Marriage?

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[image by makelessnoise]


Yesterday I posted about therapist David Schnarch’s view that marriages (committed relationships) are “people growing machines.” But for us to grow in a committed relationship obviously takes a lot of work and a lot of sacrifice. It’s not unusual to work with couples who are shocked by the amount of work a marriage does take, and soon begin to wonder if the sacrifice has been worth it. In fact, I think every relationship asks these questions at times, but some continue to go on and thrive, while others shut down and lead towards separation, divorce, or just two people living separate lives under the same household.

There has been a slew of articles and news stories recently on the state of marriage today, and I still remember sitting in my first graduate course in marriage and family therapy as the professor talked about the “state of marriage today.” Obviously we all come from various backgrounds and different experiences when it comes to the issue of marriage, whether it be our parents, or our own. These experiences often color our view of how we perceive marriage and whether or not we want it for ourselves.

A couple of weeks ago the Today Show had a segment on On Marriage: Let’s Call the Whole Thing Off. You can see the video below:

Visit msnbc.com for Breaking News, World News, and News about the Economy

And then just this week, TIME Magazine’s cover story is, “Is There Hope for the American Marriage?” In the article, the author states:

In the past 40 years, the face of the American family has changed profoundly. As sociologist Andrew J. Cherlin observes in a landmark new book called The Marriage-Go-Round: The State of Marriage and the Family in America Today, what is significant about contemporary American families, compared with those of other nations, is their combination of “frequent marriage, frequent divorce” and the high number of “short-term co-habiting relationships.” Taken together, these forces “create a great turbulence in American family life, a family flux, a coming and going of partners on a scale seen nowhere else. There are more partners in the personal lives of Americans than in the lives of people of any other Western country.”

An increasingly fragile construct depending less and less on notions of sacrifice and obligation than on the ephemera of romance and happiness as defined by and for its adult principals, the intact, two-parent family remains our cultural ideal, but it exists under constant assault. It is buffeted by affairs and ennui, subject to the eternal American hope for greater happiness, for changing the hand you dealt yourself. Getting married for life, having children and raising them with your partner — this is still the way most Americans are conducting adult life, but the numbers who are moving in a different direction continue to rise.

Lots of thoughts have been running through my head after reading through the articles and watching the videos this week.

There are lots of questions I want to ask. But I’ve started to wonder if people are afraid of marriage because of the large amount of failure they have seen around them when it comes to marriage. Maybe your own parent’s were divorced, or live in a marriage that you hope to never live in yourself. Or maybe your best friend from college is married and is miserable. Or maybe you have already been married, and are now divorced. Lots of scenarios.

Are you afraid of marriage?

Do you want to be married? Why or why not?

"People Growing Machines"

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[image by Todd Baker]


For the next couple of weeks I’m going to take a look at the topic of marriage and relationships in general. One of my favorite authors on the topic of relationships/marriage is David Schnarch, author of Passionate Marriage: Keeping Love and Intimacy Alive in Committed Relationships. In the book Schnarch talks about marriage and:

“emotionally committed relationships” as being “people growing machines.”

With that in mind, I want to ask you a question.

What has been the biggest area of growth for you in your marriage, or in the committed relationship you are in?

Two Blogging Resources

One of the things that I want to do during these 100 posts in 100 days series is to point you to some resources (books, articles, therapists, conferences, blogs, etc.)

There are some great blogs written by some great therapists out there. Two local therapists that I have had the privilege of hanging out with is Jennifer Ryan and Corey Allan. They have some great blogs.

Jennifer Ryan has the blog I Choose Change
–You can also follow on Twitter at @ichoosechange

Corey Allan has the blog Simple Marriage
–You can also follow on Twitter at @simplemarriage

Check out their material.

Book Recommendation: Therapy Demystified

51ZP6VRDVJL._BO2,204,203,200_PIsitb-sticker-arrow-click,TopRight,35,-76_AA240_SH20_OU01_ Considering the posts I’ve written over the last week, I thought the following book would be a helpful recommendation. Therapy Demystified: An Insider’s Guide to Getting the Right Help, Without Going Broke by Kate Scharff. Scharff does a good job of covering important topics like various theories, different types of therapists, “misguided reasons” for avoiding therapy, when to get help, etc.

Some of the questions she talks about are:

  • How do I know if I should see a therapist?
  • What are the different kinds of therapy, and why should I care?
  • Where can I find a therapist that I can afford?
  • What should I expect (and ask) within the first few sessions?
  • How can I tell if a therapist is right for me?
  • How can I tell if therapy is working?
  • Is there any truth to the bad things I’ve heard about therapy and therapists?

I hope the posts this week have been helpful, and if you have any questions, please feel free to contact me.

Feeling the Freedom to "Shop" for a Therapist

There are lots of reasons that people don’t go to see a therapist (stigma, cost, location, time, etc), but I am convinced that one of the largest fears about looking for a therapist is that people are afraid that they will get stuck with a therapist they don’t like or connect with. I mean, nothing is worse then spending your hard earned money and time to sit across from a therapist that you would rather not be in session with. I get that.

But here’s the good news. YOU DON”T HAVE TO. You are free to look for a therapist until you find one that you like. I know that may seem like a lot of hard work, but it’s worth it to find the right one.

I usually tell new clients that in our first session we are just getting to know each other (intake), and that I want them to know that they should feel the freedom to leave whenever they feel like it’s not a good fit. I tell them that they will know within the first few sessions, whether or not it’s the right fit, and that seems about right. And if it doesn’t work out, I will help them find a new therapist.

Is this a fear of yours, or am I way off base?

Have you ever been “stuck” with a therapist you didn’t like or connect with? What did you do?

What to Look for in a Therapist

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[image by Matti Mattila]

Now that we have talked about how to go about finding a good therapist in the previous post, let’s talk about some things you should be looking for. Now, this is going to differ based on a lot of factors, but I think most often, it will differ based on your history of how you have chosen therapists before, or how the community you are most active in goes about doing the process. So the criteria varies depending on who you are talking to.

But here are some things that I think are important.

  1. Education: Have they gone to school (undergraduate/graduate) to receive training for this profession? Or have they been through some sort of recognizable and approved training program?
  2. Credentials: Besides education, what other credentials do they carry that enhance their work in this profession?
  3. License: Are they licensed by the state they practice in?  This could vary, as some great therapists don’t carry a state license, but are sometimes certified by an organization (the AAPC is an example), and then they are usually monitored by some governing body such as a church or non-profit organization.  When looking online, look for a therapist’s license number which is supposed to be displayed in most cases. You will see things like LMFT, LMFT-A, LSW, LPC, etc., usually with some numbers following it.
  4. Accountability: This goes a little back to the previous item.  If they are not licensed through the state, or are not recommended or vouched for by a governing body, then be careful.  I have heard horror stories of people who have gone to therapy with someone who was not practicing under proper guidelines.
  5. Continue Reading…

How to Find a Good Therapist

I have found that there are a lot of people that are wanting to go to therapy, or at least try it out, but they are really unsure of how to go about finding a good therapist. There are several ways to go about this that I want to share with you, and then I’m curious of your own methods in doing this.

Reputation
This is a really good way to find a therapist. And by reputation, I mean those therapist’s names that you have heard before, or recommended by others before, or that keep seeming to come up for good reasons. Anytime you are situated in a community (church, social, work, family) there are certain names, in certain professions or services that one tends to hear over and over again. That’s what I mean by reputation. There is a therapist in Phoenix, AZ and a couple in Pasadena, CA that I continually refer people to over and over again because of reputation.

Personal Referral
This is a really strong indicator of finding a good therapist, and even stronger motivator for often taking that extra step needed to get people in the door. This is the recommendation that comes from a personal friend or family member. More often than not, the person who makes this recommendation has been to see this person in therapy themselves, or is connected with others who have. I think a lot of therapists build strong referral bases primarily on this source of recommendation.

Authority Figure
It is pretty well known that pastors, doctors, psychiatrists, et cetera can be great sources for referrals for people who are looking for a therapist. These professions, and ones like them have had a strong history of providing names of good therapists for people. I know many church attenders who wouldn’t think of asking anyone but their pastor, or some person on their church staff about where to find a good therapist.

Social Media Crowdsourcing
This is probably not as well known, but I think will slowly begin to replace the more traditional methods of therapy recommendations. By crowdsourcing I am referring to the practice of going online and asking people’s opinions via Twitter, Facebook, blogs, etc. I think this practice will gain strength very quickly. A form of this has been the popular chat groups and sites on Yahoo, forums populated by “mommy bloggers”, etc. This is the most common way that people ask my recommendation about finding a therapist, especially in other states. Continue Reading…

Nope, You Are Definitely Not Crazy…Nor Alone!

Often when people come to therapy there are a couple of things that I notice.

One, some people joke with me about how they must be crazy to come to therapy. Or they are quite curious to find out if I think they are crazy. Trust me, you are not crazy. I tell them that everyone else who chooses not to seek help for issues are the crazy ones…not the people sitting in my office.

Two, people think they are alone in their experiences, troubles, life transitions. They think that they are the first to sometimes enter my office with those issues. But they are most definitely not. They are not the first, and they are most definitely not alone.

I want to share with you a quote from the article by Dana Gionta, The Stigma of Therapy: I Don’t Need a Psychologist, I’m Not Crazy.

Over the years, I’ve heard many creative names for therapy, quite reflective of the various stigmas. Some of my favorites are hocus pocus, mental brainwashing, and headshrinking. Now hocus pocus sounds kind of fun, perhaps because of its magical association. Unfortunately, to this day, the realm of therapy or counseling still remains quite mysterious to most people, somewhat like a magic trick. What really happens in that room? What do they do? Will I still be myself when I leave. If I go to a therapist, does that mean I’m crazy, weak or a failure? What will others think? What if I’m seen coming out of that kind of office? Such concerns are quite natural given our socio-cultural conditioning. Unfortunately, as a result, many people decide not to pursue counseling despite experiencing significant emotional, physical or mental distress.

Let’s clarify a few things. Most people who initiate counseling do not have a serious mental illness. They have serious life challenges or are going through difficult life-cycle transitions that may be taxing their current ability to cope. This, in turn, may be adversely affecting their well-being and ability to function as well as they would like. Examples of serious life challenges can be dealing with chronic work-related stressors; career issues; financial problems; health issues or a recent health diagnosis; family or parent/child conflict; cultural assimilation; and academic issues. Examples of difficult life-cycle related transitions can be the death of a family member or friend; the ending of a romantic relationship or close friendship; family/couple changes related to the addition of a child; getting married or divorced; caregiving for loved ones due to illness or disability; and decision-making challenges related to these life choices.

These are just some of the reasons why people decide to go to counseling. So, if you are going through one or more of these challenges at the same time, you’re not alone. The effects are often cumulative, which is generally referred to as a ‘pile-up’ of stressors. Counseling during these times can be quite helpful in providing both the support and skills to better address these life challenges. Ultimately, it is an invaluable investment in your emotional, physical and mental health, an act of courage not weakness, and a gift to those whose lives you touch.

Do you have the perception that therapy must be for “crazy people?” Or do you see therapy as the author does…for people who are going through life transitions?

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