Tag Archive - kids

Providing Understanding for Parent’s Experiences Around Their Kids and Technology

November 12, 2009 in Marriage-Family, Ministry-Theology, Technology-Social Media, Therapy-Psychology with 1 Comment

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[image by Jeremy]

More and more recently I have been afforded some great opportunities to work with parents around the issue of their kids and technology. There have been some great conversations taking place in the context of therapy, church ministry and some conferences and workshops I have been fortunate enough to play a role in.

Last night the National Coalition for the Protection of Children and Families did a presentation at HPPC on kids and technology, and they asked me to sit in as one of the panel guests in order to help facilitate some of my own thoughts on the presentation and questions that parents might present.

Lars Rood, John Dyer and I did a technology presentation for parents at HPPC back in September, so this was really another opportunity for me to think through some of the primary questions that parents have been raising regarding this topic.

One of the things I have been noticing (and this isn’t different than other parts of the population at large) is that there are a few primary emotions parents tend to experience and express when the topic of their kids and technology is discussed. First, there is fear. Fear of the unknown. Fear of the negative possibilities/opportunities that technology can create for kids. Second, there is naivete. And I don’t say that as a criticism. Rather, it’s the reality–kids are always going to be a step or two ahead of their parents when it comes to technology. So that can create a naiveness on the part of parents. They just may not know what technological tools or social media venues are available to their kids. Sometimes this naivete can put their kids at risk. Third, there is a feeling of defeat. Parents can feel so overwhelmed that they just feel defeated, often choosing to just ignore the issue and let their kids navigate the technological landscape themselves.

These are some of the observations I have made, and I know there are probably more. When you think of these emotions (fear, naivete, defeat), they tend to be more negative and critical in nature. So what I really see as my job, mission and passion is to try and help either remove these emotions from parents, or at least–help parents understand some things about their kids and technology. And hopefully understanding will bring less fear, less naivete and less defeat.

So last night one of the things I wanted to communicate to parents are four reasons why I think technology plays such a big role in their kid’s lives. These are the thoughts I shared:

  1. Technology and the tools of social media decentralize and flatten the hierarchy: What kid doesn’t love this?  Not only do we like it as adults, but kids, especially teenagers love any tool that decentralizes authority and gives them opportunities to participate, rebel, serve, create, etc.
  2. Technology and the tools of social media allow for a participatory culture: Because of the decentralization and flattening of hierarchy, kids are better able to participate, and possibly more willing to participate.  An “architecture of participation” is something I have blogged about numerous times before. Continue Reading…

Note to Fathers: Move Beyond the “Nuclear Option” Style of Parenting

November 9, 2009 in Marriage-Family, Ministry-Theology, Therapy-Psychology with 5 Comments

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If you have heard it once, you have heard it a million times–it’s the phrase that every kid has heard–so much so that it eventually reverberates in their ears like that of noisy cymbals or a loud gong…if they even hear it at all.

It goes something like this:

“I’m your father…that’s why!”

or

“I’m the boss of this household and you must do what I say!”

Pick any variation of it cause I know you have either heard it before, or have said it yourself (and when you find yourself uttering the phrase yourself, it’s then that you know you have jumped the shark in your parenting style).

Why Point Out Fathers
This is a statement that all parents will eventually utter at some point in parenting, usually coming at the point of exhaustion, and with the helpless feeling that there are no other choices. Hence I like to call it the nuclear option of parenting. It’s the proverbial line drawn in the sand…and, if this doesn’t work, well then we are left there shaking our heads, or waiting for things to escalate.

Moms and dads both say such phrases, but I find that father’s most often resort to this methodology of parenting. I have noticed in my 15 years in youth ministry and in my recent years as a therapist that fathers tend to stick to this one way of parenting more than moms, while mothers tend to be more resourceful, often reading books on parenting, attending conferences and getting support in parenting groups. With these resources, moms find less of a need to resort to the “I’m your parent, that’s why” card, but instead have a plethora of creative parenting options at hand that dads often tend to lack.

Now, I know I’m stereotyping here, and I know plenty of dads who don’t only resort to this, but in my experience it is definitely more common. When your child was in the womb it was more than likely that it was your wife who was reading all the books and researching things on food, immunizations, toys and cribs, while you thought she was lucky to have you attend a birthing class or two. If it wasn’t for mothers, our babies would be born into this world and fathers would drag the babies back to a cave to eat the leftover meat of the mastadon that they clubbed the night before. And this doesn’t end there at womb and birth, but tends to be a habit dads carry on into their kids later years.

Continue Reading…

Reminder to Parents: Presence=LOVE

October 19, 2009 in Marriage-Family, Therapy-Psychology with 10 Comments

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[image by Schantzilla]

One of the things that I vividly remember from growing up was my father’s voice calling out encouragement from the sidelines of my athletic events. It didn’t matter if I was a good or bad player, or whether or not I even got in the game. My dad’s presence on the sidelines or in the stands was always there. The more I reflect on that, the more amazing it is to me, especially since my mom died when I was 11 years old and my dad was essentially left alone to raise my younger brother and I.

I probably didn’t realize it then, but I have come to see it more clearly now, especially since I’m a parent. And what I realized was that for my dad to be present at my brother and I’s events (be it school plays, sporting events, etc.), a sacrifice of time was required. There was juggling of work schedules and many other things that went into him being there.

Ultimately, the message that was being sent to my brother and I was that time with us was more important than making extra money to buy things we didn’t need; that time with us was more important than sitting in front of the television.

I don’t know how many parents get this, but I wish more did.

I have worked with thousands of kids over the last 15 years in various settings. From camp counselor, to youth pastor, to therapist. And they all wish the same thing (sometimes spoken out loud; sometimes only discerned by the look in their face).

And that is….Parent’s time with their kids translates into love. Kids know that they are loved and cared for when their parents are present. Continue Reading…

Are You Able To Be FULLY Present To Others?

September 21, 2009 in Marriage-Family, Ministry-Theology, Technology-Social Media, Therapy-Psychology with 15 Comments

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[image by mikebaird]

One of the unique things about being a therapist is that it requires me to be able to be fully present to those who sit across from me in my office. No cell phone. No computer. No interruptions. No distractions. For45-50 minutes they get my full, undivided attention.  In fact, one of the comments that I hear most frequently from those who come to therapy is that this is the only time in their week when they feel like they have someone’s full attention.  Nowhere else does someone seem to be fully present to them.

In a culture that has become increasingly noisy it is not surprising that the correlative affect is that many people are simply drowned out by the noise. And therefore, in the process, this drowning out has a transforming affect on our relationships with one another.  This issue has been an ongoing topic of conversation at conferences I have been attending, blog posts I’m reading, and I had a great conversation with my father about it over the weekend, and with John Dyer last night.

My father, who is not anti-technology at all, simply said to me, “I’m afraid we are losing our ability to be fully present to one another.”

We all want to believe that we are fully present to one another, especially to those of us we consider most important such as spouses, children, friends and family, but more than likely, if we are completely honest with ourselves…we simply are not.

Recently I’ve noticed some of these things I see around me, and I cringed, realizing that I do this quite a bit as well: Continue Reading…