Tag Archive - growth

Anxiety is Good…

November 29, 2011 in Ministry-Theology, Therapy-Psychology, Writing with 1 Comment

Philosophers and Poets, from their perch on the cutting edge of reason, have always seen the advantage of anxiety. It is the “dizziness of reason,” argued Soren Kierkegaard; “the handmaiden of creativity,” said T.S. Eliot; “the beginning of conscience,” observed novelist Angela Carter. So have actors backstage, summoning eternal energies and edges for the roles they play, and sprinters on the block, finding hormonal springs in the fear of failure that allow them to achieve race times they never managed in practice.

So begins the opening paragraph of TIME Magazine’s December cover story, The Two Faces of Anxiety.

This is a timely topic as the release of my book The Anxious Christian: Can God Use Your Anxiety for Good? is being published by Moody Publishers on March 1, 2012. When I was in the book proposal writing/submission phase in the late Fall of 2010, anxiety was the topic that my acquisition’s editor Randall Payleitner seemed to be really focused on. You see, in all my anxiety of trying to submit the right proposal I had submitted a large, sprawling dissertation that lacked any real focus or clarity, but Randall seemed most excited about a chapter I had submitted on anxiety. So eventually, one chapter idea became the whole theme of my new book.

I think anxiety is an important topic because everyone at some point in their life struggles with it, and many struggle with it on an ongoing basis.

But is all anxiety necessarily bad?

I don’t believe so….in fact, anxiety can actually be good for us as I see it as a catalyst to help us grow as people. There are only a couple of options when you begin to feel anxiety.

  1. Pretend it doesn’t exist and push it below the surface.
  2. Acknowledge that the anxiety is there and use it as an opportunity to move you forward/to grow in life.

You choose.

How Ministry Leaders Avoid the Hard Work of Boundary Setting

June 1, 2011 in Ministry-Theology, Pastoral Counseling, Pastoral Leadership, Therapy-Psychology with 3 Comments

We talk a lot about boundaries in our culture.

“Boundaries define us. They define what is me and what is not me. A boundary shows me where I end and someone else begins, leading me to a sense of ownership.

Knowing what I am to own and take responsibility for gives me freedom.” (Boundaries, Townsend and Cloud, pp. 29)



In fact, boundaries is one of the first things I address most often in my therapeutic work because a lack of clear and defined boundaries often leads to many problems in relationships with people. If people don’t have clear boundaries they often have a confused sense-of-self and identity.

But I feel like I’ve started to notice a trend regarding boundaries, especially in ministry circles.

The trend is this

A pastor/ministry leader/lay leader, et cetera makes a sweeping or non-negotiable statement about the boundaries they are practicing or want to practice.

Usually the statement comes from up front, preferably in front of many people as possible (Sunday worship perhaps) so as to communicate to as many people at one time the established boundary.

It may go something like this

“Because our church is so big, or because I’m so busy, I want you to know that I will NEVER personally return any emails/phone calls that you send to me. And I will NEVER meet you one on one at dinner/lunch/coffee, et cetera. I have a family and it’s a boundary that I have set in order to protect them.”

Though there are situations that this may be appropriate, it often feels like many ministry leaders do this in an attempt to avoid the difficult task of establishing healthy boundaries that can only come about in up and close relationships and interactions with other people.

Sure, it’s easier to just cut people off and avoid them.

Sure it’s easier to tell 6,000 people you will never return their emails than to have a heart to heart conversation with them about why you are setting a boundary with them regarding their emails.

It certainly helps us try and squash our own anxiety…but it certainly doesn’t lead to the relational growth that I think is necessary for not only people…but especially ministry leaders.

We only grow as people when we have to do the day in and day out hard work of being in relationship with people. We don’t grow by avoiding them or cutting them off.

I definitely think ministry leaders can do a better job of setting boundaries, but I just wonder sometimes if they avoid it because it’s such hard, ongoing work. Nothing is easier than getting up front and just delivering a boundary in front of 6,000 people. That way we can avoid the individual relational interaction and just address the big, anonymous crowd before us.

And when we do this, I wonder if we are actually avoiding the task of being a pastor.

How do you go about setting boundaries in your own life and ministry work? Any tips or suggestions?

What Sincerity, Change, and Growth Looks Like in a Marital Relationship

December 7, 2010 in Marriage-Family, Therapy-Psychology with 1 Comment

“Relationships are like a mirror. They show us who we are, how our behavior is perceived, and where we fit. We see a little of who we need to become, where our behavior is inappropriate, and how we must change to fit better in relationships, and this is especially true of the marital relationship.

In order to have a sincere relationship with my spouse, however, I cannot teach my spouse where he or she needs to change. Sincerity in the relationship means that I must learn about myself. I look at what the relationship reveals in me and then I see to do the work on myself, not on my spouse.” The Essential Humility of Marriage: Honoring the Third Identity in Couple Therapy by Terry Hargrave

Anxiety as a Tool for Growth

October 8, 2010 in Ministry-Theology, Therapy-Psychology with 1 Comment

“Whoever has learned to be anxious in the right way has learned the ultimate.”
—Søren Kierkegaard in The Concept of Anxiety

Anxiety can be a very helpful tool in our lives. Unfortunately we have too often thought of anxiety as an indication of something wrong in us. Sometimes we equate it to a lack of faith or trust in God. Philippians 4:6 says:

“Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.”

It’s not that anxiety is “bad”, rather, it can be a catalyst for growth in our lives…driving us out of a place of being stuck…out of place of being worried…towards a new resolution in our lives…towards making change…towards a trust in God with the things we can’t control.

When I’m feeling anxious, the question that comes to my mind is not, “How do I get rid of this anxiety?” But rather, “What does the presence of anxiety in my life indicate?”

Identifying that distinction in my life can help me then move towards making the changes that are needed. It can help me work through relational issues that I’ve tried to bury. It can help me foster a deeper relationship with God.

Maybe there is anxiety in your life for a reason. Maybe it is the bullhorn that is beckoning you to take action, and in your freedom take responsibility for your life and make choices to change it.

Listen to anxiety. Don’t bury it. Don’t ignore it.

When Should I Go See a Therapist?

July 1, 2009 in Marriage-Family with 6 Comments

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[image by Ted Percival]


This is a great question and was actually brought to my attention by a comments thread over on Facebook. In fact, one can Google this question and you will find a variety of answers, ranging from very specific things, to a more broad and general feeling of “feeling down” or “depressed.”

There is a not a right or wrong answer here, so let me just suggest a few reasons why you might want to go see a therapist.

  1. A general feeling of needing to talk with someone about some various things going on in your life.  These things can be serious (“I feel like taking my own life.” To more general, “I have just been feeling off…not sleeping…and wanted to talk with someone about this.”).


  2. You are looking for an unbiased, non-judging, caring person to listen to you.  In therapy speak, we might refer to this as unconditional positive regard. A lot of people feel like they can’t find this acceptance with friends, family, or their church, so therapy is often a good place to start. Now I’m not saying that all therapist will practice this, but I think really good ones do.


  3. Someone in your circle of influence (friends, family, co-workers) notices that there are some things in your life that are concerning to them, or that they feel like you might need someone to talk to about them.  So often people end up in therapy due to the suggestion and encouragement of others.


  4. Because you want to grow.  Therapy is not all about working on issues of depression, anxiety, fear, etc., but can be a great environment for personal growth (spiritual, emotional, physical, psychological).  There aren’t many places in your life where you can be in an environment that helps you grow , but a therapist is able to get a different perspective and help foster this growth with their experience, knowledge and tools.


  5. You are experiencing some minor or major life transitions.  Divorce.  Marriage.  Pregnancy.  Death.  College.  Career.  Etc.  These transitions and others often bring out new feelings, challenges, fears, etc. in a person, and it’s helpful to have a guide along that journey.


  6. You have no one else to talk to.  This could literally mean you can’t think of anyone to talk to, or there isn’t anyone who would really understand what it is you are going through.


  7. You are wanting anonymity as you seek help and work through the issue.  Therapy operates under very specific ethical guidelines regarding confidentiality, etc., and this may be important to you as you seek help, rather than going to your pastor, family member or friend.


  8. You are more specifically able to identify what it is you are struggling with, and you want a professional to help you.  This could be depression, anxiety, bi-polar, ADHD, fear, adultery, abuse of any kind, etc.


  9. Many of us don’t take the opportunity to explore the deeper meanings in our own life, or to wrestle with key issues of identity.  We often live on the surface, and never get beyond the things in life that just make us feel good and comfortable.  Seeing a therapist is a great opportunity to really find out who you are, and to be known.


  10. You have seen the positive benefits of therapy in the lives of those around you.  So you want to give it a try yourself.


  11. You might not have any reason, but simply the curiousity of the positive ways it could benefit your life are appealing to you.


  12. You are looking for some hope in your life.

Okay, those are just 12 reasons for when I think it would be beneficial for someone to go see a therapist. I’m sure there are more, but this is where you help me out.

What reasons are there for going to see a therapist?

Did any of the above reasons resonate with you?

Step Into Your Anxiety If You Want To Grow

February 23, 2009 in Marriage-Family, Therapy-Psychology with 1 Comment

21dpppnebcl_sl500_aa160_Recently I have been listening to the audio version of the David Snarch’s book Passionate Marriage: Sex, Love, and Intimacy in Emotionally-Committed Relationships.

One of the things that he says in the lecture is (and I’m restating in my own words):

That in order for a person to grow, they must step into their anxiety.  That it is in confronting our anxiety, rather than seeking comfort and security that we achieve growth as a person.

Last week I asked the question, “What Keeps You Centered?”, wondering what it is that helps keep you grounded/centered/balanced when dealing with anxiety…knowing that we all deal with anxiety and stress in our lives.

But a different question is:

Do you step into your anxiety?

Do you try things that stir up your anxiety in order for you to grow?

Or do you seek comfort and security, rather than risk the realities of facing your anxiety?

Share:

  1. Share a time when you stepped into your anxiety, knowing it was an opportunity for growth?
  2. What were you feeling and thinking at the time?
  3. Did you see it as an opportunity for growth, or just something you know you should do?

Though Snarch is looking at stepping into one’s anxiety in the context of marriage, sex and family, it can be said that for any of us to grow we must do the same.

There is more to be said on this issue and where Snarch is going with this topic, but for now, I will leave it at this.