Tag Archive - family

imarriage brings you "real-time" updates on marriage

July 13, 2009 in Marriage-Family, Technology-Social Media, Therapy-Psychology with 0 Comments

For the last week I have been talking a little about marriage, whether it be a quote from a good book, to some thoughts on some benefits for couple’s therapy.

Today I want to introduce you to a great tool on Twitter. It’s called imarriage and it’s the brainchild of Marc Payan.

What does imarriage do? imarriage is:

“Aggregation of real-time updates on relationship and marriage news, research, and global trends.”

I have been following imarriage for quite a while and have gotten to know Marc Payan online, and hopefully in person one day soon. In fact, as I get closer and closer to talking about the influence of technology and social media on marriage and family therapy, I’m sure you will be hearing more from Marc on this site.

If you aren’t on Twitter, but you are a marriage and family therapist, work with couples, etc., this alone should be worth your time. With almost 4,000 people following the updates it has become quite an influential site for what is going on in the world of marriage, family and relationships.

But if you aren’t going to get on Twitter, then check out the website Marriage Tweets, which is one and the same.

Four Simple Benefits of Couple's Therapy

July 12, 2009 in Marriage-Family with 0 Comments

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[image by mikebaird]


Working with couples is great. With two people in the room (not including therapist/counselor) it can make for quite an interesting, interactive, and great experience. Sure, it can be hard. Tears and strong words may flow. But in the midst of that I have seen great joy, laughter and happiness in couples as they work together, and talk openly (maybe for the first time-out loud to each other at least) about some of the issues they are facing together.

So I wanted to lay out 4 benefits of couples going to therapy together:

  1. Outside persepective: Being married, or in an intimate relationship with another human being, can often make it difficult to get perspective on the relationship itself. We all have blindspots, and sometimes the closer we are, the more invested we are…the harder to step back and take a look.  This is where another person in the room really helps that process.


  2. Mediator: What often makes therapy a safe place for couples to talk about their problems is because they know there is another person in the room who will help “mediate” the conversation.  A therapist can step in and regulate the flow of conversation, and emotions, and make sure that things are “contained” if you will (for lack of a better word).  When this is done right, often a spouse or partner may feel more safe to say something, then they might in their own home.


  3. Practical Skills: Going to couple’s counseling should also be a place where you can be equipped with some practical skills.  Sometimes it may be in the form of some actual “homework” or tasks the therapist gives you, or it might be practical skills you acquire on your own just through the process of therapy.


  4. Insight: Because a therapist is there to listen to both of you (which is a huge benefit in itself), they are able to reflect back and offer new insights into your life and relationship, or reaffirm insights that you already had.  This is a huge incentive and catalyst for growth.

The combination of these four things are a powerful force and I think a huge benefit for any couple who seeks to come into therapy.

Are there any other benefits that you suggest?

Differentiation in Marriage and Committed Relationships

July 11, 2009 in Marriage-Family with 1 Comment

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[image by nzgabriel]

Differentiation is a natural process in committed relationships that involves developing more of a self while growing closer to your partner. Men often sacrifice their relationship to hold onto their sense of self. Women often sacrifice their sense of self to stabilize their relationship. Differentiation is about having it both ways: having a stronger sense of self and a stronger relationship. (An Interview with Dr. David Schnarch)

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Schnarch will often say that differentiation is knowing where one begins, and one ends. Or the balance between one’s desire for belonging/relationship, and the desire for freedom/independence.

I like how he says it in the Passionate Marriage,

People screaming, ‘I got to be me!’ ‘Don’t fence me in!’ and ‘I need space!’ are not highly differentiated. Just the opposite. They are fearful of ‘disappearing’ in a relationship and do thing to avoid their partner’s emotional engulfment. Some create distance; others keep their relationship in constant upheaval. Declaring your boundaries is an important early step in the differentiation process, but it’s done in the context of staying in relationship (that is, close proximity and restricted space). This is quite different from poorly differentiated people who attempt to always ‘keep the door open’ and who bolt as increasing importance of the relationship makes them feel like they’re being locked up. The process of holding onto your sense of self in an intense emotional relationship is what develops differentiation (Passionate Marriage, pp. 67).

In light of my posts earlier this week on the topic of marriage, and people’s fears about getting married, I wonder if differentiation doesn’t have something to do it. People sometimes see marriage as tying them down, or limiting their options, but according to Schnarch, people like that are actually not differentiated, where those who hold onto themselves in an intense emotional relationship are the ones who are growing and in the process of becoming highly differentiated.

What do you think about this topic of differentiation?

Have you ever been nervous, afraid, hesitant, to enter into a relationship, out of fear of losing yourself?

Book Recommendation: The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work

July 9, 2009 in Marriage-Family with 2 Comments

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“Perhaps the biggest myth of all is that communication–and more specifically, learning to resolve your conflicts–is the royal road to romance and an enduring, happy marriage. Whatever a marriage therapist’s theoretical orientation, whether you opt for short-term therapy, long-term therapy, or a three-minute radio consultation with your local Frasier, the message you’ll get is pretty uniform: Learn to communicate better. The sweeping popularity of this approach is easy to understand. When most couples find themselves in a conflict (whether it gets played out as a short spat, an all-out screaming match, or stony silence), they each gird themselves to win the fight. They become so focused on how hurt they feel, on proving that they’re right and their spouse is wrong, or on keeping up a cold shoulder, that the lines of communication between the two may be overcome by static or shut down altogether. So it seems to make sense that calmly and lovely listening to each other’s perspective would lead couples to find compromise solutions and regain their marital composure….the problem is that it doesn’t work.” (pp. 8-10)

During this blogging series I want to continue to point out different books that could be helpful for you on the topic of marriage. One of the books that is quite popular and you see talked about a lot is The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John M. Gottman and Nan Silver. Gottman is probably most well known for ability to predict divorce with 91 percent accuracy by watching/listening to couples interact for less than five minutes.  He is also quite well known for his Four Horsemen that he points to as warning signs when they work their way into a marriage (Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, Stonewalling).

In the book Gottman talks about the principles that do make marriage work, and the warning signs that couples must watch out for. His seven principles are:

  1. Enhance Your Love Maps
  2. Nurture Your Fondness and Admiration
  3. Turn Toward Each Other Instead of Away
  4. Let Your Partner Influence You
  5. The Two Kinds of Marital Conflict
  6. Solve Your Solvable Problems
  7. Overcome Gridlock
  8. Create Shared Meaning

I like Gottman’s book, and he has some great, tangible exercises (lots and lots of them) for couples to use to help them work through the seven principles.  When it comes to books on marriage, this is one of the more easily read and accessible books for those who haven’t done too much study on the topic. There are lots of other books I like on marriage (which I will also recommend later), but this is just one of them that I have found to be helpful for many couples.

Have you read this book before? Was it helpful? Why or why not?

Are You Afraid of Marriage?

July 8, 2009 in Marriage-Family with 1 Comment

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[image by makelessnoise]


Yesterday I posted about therapist David Schnarch’s view that marriages (committed relationships) are “people growing machines.” But for us to grow in a committed relationship obviously takes a lot of work and a lot of sacrifice. It’s not unusual to work with couples who are shocked by the amount of work a marriage does take, and soon begin to wonder if the sacrifice has been worth it. In fact, I think every relationship asks these questions at times, but some continue to go on and thrive, while others shut down and lead towards separation, divorce, or just two people living separate lives under the same household.

There has been a slew of articles and news stories recently on the state of marriage today, and I still remember sitting in my first graduate course in marriage and family therapy as the professor talked about the “state of marriage today.” Obviously we all come from various backgrounds and different experiences when it comes to the issue of marriage, whether it be our parents, or our own. These experiences often color our view of how we perceive marriage and whether or not we want it for ourselves.

A couple of weeks ago the Today Show had a segment on On Marriage: Let’s Call the Whole Thing Off. You can see the video below:

Visit msnbc.com for Breaking News, World News, and News about the Economy

And then just this week, TIME Magazine’s cover story is, “Is There Hope for the American Marriage?” In the article, the author states:

In the past 40 years, the face of the American family has changed profoundly. As sociologist Andrew J. Cherlin observes in a landmark new book called The Marriage-Go-Round: The State of Marriage and the Family in America Today, what is significant about contemporary American families, compared with those of other nations, is their combination of “frequent marriage, frequent divorce” and the high number of “short-term co-habiting relationships.” Taken together, these forces “create a great turbulence in American family life, a family flux, a coming and going of partners on a scale seen nowhere else. There are more partners in the personal lives of Americans than in the lives of people of any other Western country.”

An increasingly fragile construct depending less and less on notions of sacrifice and obligation than on the ephemera of romance and happiness as defined by and for its adult principals, the intact, two-parent family remains our cultural ideal, but it exists under constant assault. It is buffeted by affairs and ennui, subject to the eternal American hope for greater happiness, for changing the hand you dealt yourself. Getting married for life, having children and raising them with your partner — this is still the way most Americans are conducting adult life, but the numbers who are moving in a different direction continue to rise.

Lots of thoughts have been running through my head after reading through the articles and watching the videos this week.

There are lots of questions I want to ask. But I’ve started to wonder if people are afraid of marriage because of the large amount of failure they have seen around them when it comes to marriage. Maybe your own parent’s were divorced, or live in a marriage that you hope to never live in yourself. Or maybe your best friend from college is married and is miserable. Or maybe you have already been married, and are now divorced. Lots of scenarios.

Are you afraid of marriage?

Do you want to be married? Why or why not?

"People Growing Machines"

July 7, 2009 in Marriage-Family with 1 Comment

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[image by Todd Baker]


For the next couple of weeks I’m going to take a look at the topic of marriage and relationships in general. One of my favorite authors on the topic of relationships/marriage is David Schnarch, author of Passionate Marriage: Keeping Love and Intimacy Alive in Committed Relationships. In the book Schnarch talks about marriage and:

“emotionally committed relationships” as being “people growing machines.”

With that in mind, I want to ask you a question.

What has been the biggest area of growth for you in your marriage, or in the committed relationship you are in?

Two Blogging Resources

July 6, 2009 in Marriage-Family, Technology-Social Media with 1 Comment

One of the things that I want to do during these 100 posts in 100 days series is to point you to some resources (books, articles, therapists, conferences, blogs, etc.)

There are some great blogs written by some great therapists out there. Two local therapists that I have had the privilege of hanging out with is Jennifer Ryan and Corey Allan. They have some great blogs.

Jennifer Ryan has the blog I Choose Change
–You can also follow on Twitter at @ichoosechange

Corey Allan has the blog Simple Marriage
–You can also follow on Twitter at @simplemarriage

Check out their material.

Family Holiday Traditions

July 4, 2009 in Marriage-Family with 0 Comments

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[image by iChaz]


We all know that holiday traditions are important to the life of a family. So as we approach the 4th of July tomorrow I have a few questions for you.

  1. What is your favorite 4th of July family tradition growing up?


  2. What’s your favorite 4th of July memory?


  3. If you are married, have kids, etc., what new traditions have you started for your family around the 4th of July holiday?

Book Recommendation: Therapy Demystified

July 3, 2009 in Marriage-Family with 0 Comments

51ZP6VRDVJL._BO2,204,203,200_PIsitb-sticker-arrow-click,TopRight,35,-76_AA240_SH20_OU01_ Considering the posts I’ve written over the last week, I thought the following book would be a helpful recommendation. Therapy Demystified: An Insider’s Guide to Getting the Right Help, Without Going Broke by Kate Scharff. Scharff does a good job of covering important topics like various theories, different types of therapists, “misguided reasons” for avoiding therapy, when to get help, etc.

Some of the questions she talks about are:

  • How do I know if I should see a therapist?
  • What are the different kinds of therapy, and why should I care?
  • Where can I find a therapist that I can afford?
  • What should I expect (and ask) within the first few sessions?
  • How can I tell if a therapist is right for me?
  • How can I tell if therapy is working?
  • Is there any truth to the bad things I’ve heard about therapy and therapists?

I hope the posts this week have been helpful, and if you have any questions, please feel free to contact me.

Feeling the Freedom to "Shop" for a Therapist

July 2, 2009 in Marriage-Family with 1 Comment

There are lots of reasons that people don’t go to see a therapist (stigma, cost, location, time, etc), but I am convinced that one of the largest fears about looking for a therapist is that people are afraid that they will get stuck with a therapist they don’t like or connect with. I mean, nothing is worse then spending your hard earned money and time to sit across from a therapist that you would rather not be in session with. I get that.

But here’s the good news. YOU DON”T HAVE TO. You are free to look for a therapist until you find one that you like. I know that may seem like a lot of hard work, but it’s worth it to find the right one.

I usually tell new clients that in our first session we are just getting to know each other (intake), and that I want them to know that they should feel the freedom to leave whenever they feel like it’s not a good fit. I tell them that they will know within the first few sessions, whether or not it’s the right fit, and that seems about right. And if it doesn’t work out, I will help them find a new therapist.

Is this a fear of yours, or am I way off base?

Have you ever been “stuck” with a therapist you didn’t like or connect with? What did you do?
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