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Facebook Isn’t the Problem…But Maybe Your Marriage Is

November 18, 2009 in Marriage-Family, Technology-Social Media, Therapy-Psychology with 10 Comments

Triangling Facebook Into the Marital Unit
Often I find myself working with a kid in therapy whose parents have brought him/her in because of the problems they are creating in the family. In therapy/counseling terms that kid has become the identified patient. In short, the identified patient is:

The family member in whom the family’s symptom has emerged or is most obvious.

But often it doesn’t take long to realize that the problem really isn’t the kid, but rather the kid is just “acting out” because of what is going on in the family–the kid is carrying/becomes the carrier of the family problem. The scapegoat. This isn’t usually intentional, and is often done at an unconscious level in order to place blame on one member of the family in order to relieve anxiety in the other members–such as the marital unit. This is often why triangles are formed–in order to relieve the anxiety between two people.

BUT, I don’t think Facebook is really the problem. Rather, it’s just an easy scapegoat. Can it contribute to the problem? Yes. Can it be a catalyst in unhealthy marriage relationships? Certainly. But to blame Facebook would be to remove ourselves from the relational responsibility we have. And what about all the great things Facebook can accomplish–ways that it can enhance marriage relationships (I will talk about that later this week).

Non-Technological Neutrality, Marriage Relationships and Facebook
I’m definitely not a technological expert, but I have been learning a lot from John Dyer and others in this area. One of the things I have learned the most about is the non-neutral nature of technology which John speaks about quite a bit and in which I write about more recently in the post, Is Your Addiction to Technology Transforming Your Life. For example, I write:

At the ECHO conference John had a seminar titled Using Technology without Technology Using You. John’s main premise was that technology is not neutral. It can be both good and bad. But ultimately the use of technology is not neutral in that it transforms the user in some way. John gave the example of working with a shovel (a primitive technological tool). The shovel can be put to good use (church planting, building a home, etc.) and it can be put to bad use (killing someone, burying the body, etc.). But in either case it transforms the user in the form of blisters/calluses on the hand. The same is true of technology, whether you use it for good or bad, it still transforms you in some way when you use it.

So the question we all need to ask ourselves is, how is the technology and the tools we are using transforms us? And how does our use of technology transform those we relate to?

This is how I have come to understand the role of technology in my life.

Facebook is not the problem, but if we think that our use of Facebook isn’t transforming our marriage relationships in some way–then I think we are mistaken. Continue Reading…

Revisiting Facebook’s Effect on Marriage and Relationships

November 17, 2009 in Marriage-Family, Ministry-Theology, Technology-Social Media, Therapy-Psychology with 3 Comments

[image by soundlessfall]

Earlier this summer I was contacted by Irving Bible Church in Las Colinas, TX to write an article on technology for their monthly magazine. After talking with the editor at length we eventually agreed upon a topic that we thought would be of importance to the readers — We came up with Is Facebook Making Your Marriage Vulnerable for the October 2009 issue of Chattermag.

I thought/think is a very important topic, and will only continue to grow, but I have been amazed at how this topic has been at the heart of many conversations that I have been a part of (unbeknownst to them that I even wrote this article). I have had several more friends convey stories to me about how their friends actions on Facebook were the cause of the demise of a marriage.

I even received a call from a local TV producer who is working on a story about this topic. In our conversation we talked about the growing concern over this topic, but the difficulty in pinning down what the real issue is. And with these incidents being so early in a new trend (i.e. social networking’s effect on marriage/relationships) it is hard, if not impossible to get people to step forward and discuss the situation.

So I figured that over the course of the next week I’m going to post several times on this issue, looking at what is going on, and what lies behind this issue.

But for today, I wanted to repost my article and get any feedback from you on the issue.

Is Facebook Making Your Marriage Vulnerable?
In the spring of 2005, I found myself in an endless battle with my college students (whom I was pastoring) over the issue of MySpace. Should our college ministry have, or not have a MySpace group? I had questioned the wisdom of it for a long time since I was not happy with much of the salacious content on the site, and I knew I would have little control over it. I finally gave in and was quite pleased that a week later new students showed up to our Wednesday night worship because they had found us on MySpace. But I soon realized how much I had to learn when the fall semester rolled around and my college leaders had gone ahead and created a Facebook group without my knowledge. It was then I decided that the best position for a pastor to take was to be involved with his/her online community. At least then I might have some influence.

That was my big concern 5 years ago. But like most of you, I have since adopted online social media—so much so that it has just become a way of life. I spend time daily writing on my blog, communicating with others on Twitter, updating my resume on LinkedIn, as well as checking out the latest photos and stories from old and new friends on Facebook. And that’s just a few of the hundreds of social media sites vying for my daily attention. But as time passes, I have fewer questions about whether I should or should not be active in these online spaces, but rather, questions about the boundaries I need to establish for them.

Recently, a couple of friends and I were lamenting about two of our friends’ marriages that had ended in divorce. One partner in each of the marriages fostered online connections on Facebook, which eventually led to full-blown affairs. One affair began when a partner reconnected with an old high school friend; the other affair began when one spouse initiated an online connection after meeting a person earlier that week at an event. What had begun as a simple hello on Facebook left in its wake two shattered marriages—devastated spouses and angry children. If you think this is out of the ordinary, just Google the words “Facebook” and “affairs” to find the growing amount of literature on this topic (for instance: here). Maybe this shouldn’t come as a surprise since most of the Facebook rumors tout that it was created to make it easier for college students to “hook up.” I buy into the theory that technology in our lives is not neutral (as my good friend and technologist John Dyer has helped me better understand). Rather, when we use technology, it will affect us in some way. And as married couples, we have to ask ourselves how the current social media is influencing us. Continue Reading…

Providing Understanding for Parent’s Experiences Around Their Kids and Technology

November 12, 2009 in Marriage-Family, Ministry-Theology, Technology-Social Media, Therapy-Psychology with 1 Comment

[image by Jeremy]

More and more recently I have been afforded some great opportunities to work with parents around the issue of their kids and technology. There have been some great conversations taking place in the context of therapy, church ministry and some conferences and workshops I have been fortunate enough to play a role in.

Last night the National Coalition for the Protection of Children and Families did a presentation at HPPC on kids and technology, and they asked me to sit in as one of the panel guests in order to help facilitate some of my own thoughts on the presentation and questions that parents might present.

Lars Rood, John Dyer and I did a technology presentation for parents at HPPC back in September, so this was really another opportunity for me to think through some of the primary questions that parents have been raising regarding this topic.

One of the things I have been noticing (and this isn’t different than other parts of the population at large) is that there are a few primary emotions parents tend to experience and express when the topic of their kids and technology is discussed. First, there is fear. Fear of the unknown. Fear of the negative possibilities/opportunities that technology can create for kids. Second, there is naivete. And I don’t say that as a criticism. Rather, it’s the reality–kids are always going to be a step or two ahead of their parents when it comes to technology. So that can create a naiveness on the part of parents. They just may not know what technological tools or social media venues are available to their kids. Sometimes this naivete can put their kids at risk. Third, there is a feeling of defeat. Parents can feel so overwhelmed that they just feel defeated, often choosing to just ignore the issue and let their kids navigate the technological landscape themselves.

These are some of the observations I have made, and I know there are probably more. When you think of these emotions (fear, naivete, defeat), they tend to be more negative and critical in nature. So what I really see as my job, mission and passion is to try and help either remove these emotions from parents, or at least–help parents understand some things about their kids and technology. And hopefully understanding will bring less fear, less naivete and less defeat.

So last night one of the things I wanted to communicate to parents are four reasons why I think technology plays such a big role in their kid’s lives. These are the thoughts I shared:

Technology and the tools of social media decentralize and flatten the hierarchy: What kid doesn’t love this? Not only do we like it as adults, but kids, especially teenagers love any tool that decentralizes authority and gives them opportunities to participate, rebel, serve, create, etc.
Technology and the tools of social media allow for a participatory culture: Because of the decentralization and flattening of hierarchy, kids are better able to participate, and possibly more willing to participate. An “architecture of participation” is something I have blogged about numerous times before. Continue Reading…

Your Kids Online: What Are You Doing to Them?

November 10, 2009 in Marriage-Family, Therapy-Psychology with 10 Comments

[image by Zieak]

Something I have been torn over for a while is the question of “How much of my daughter’s life do I share online?”

With blogs, Facebook, Twitter, Flickr and other services it’s more convenient than ever to post photos, share little blurbs about their day, and our reactions as parents to certain things. And as an excited parent of a 2 year old girl I find lots of stuff I want to share with others. Even though I’ve been hesitant to blog about her, and I rarely do, people could probably find out information about her pretty quickly online. Between my wife, our families and I, there is more than enough out there. Actually, there is more online than I want there to be at this point.

But I think this is a discussion worth having because I think too many people quickly excuse it and say that “it doesn’t matter”, or if “people really want to find them, then they will.” Or some say, well the future is the internet, so we are just helping them jump online early. But maybe that is more about you than your kids.

I have seen some of the discussions going around, but one that caught my eye was Wess Daniels‘ recent post, Limiting Access: Flickr and Archiving Our Children’s Lives. Wess states:

Now, I am no alarmist and I am not about to get all privacy this and that on you, but I appreciated the question my friend Fernando put to me on twitter: “it’s about giving people control over their “digital destiny.” How will the stuff we post hit our kids future relationships?” And this is really it for me. Not only do we not know what it’s like to have our entire lives archived online, we are the ones choosing what to post and what not to post for the public.

Wess concludes with:

I’ll leave the archiving up to my daughters when they’re ready to do it themselves (Lord knows Google’s got a nice archive on me).

One of the articles that seems to have really challenged Wess’ thinking on this topic was the New York Times article Guardians of their Smiles
from a couple of weeks ago.

This article focuses on the safety of putting so much of our kid’s lives online, but I think Wess hits on something important when he writes, “How will the stuff we post hit our kids future relationships?” As parents we are usually constantly thinking about our kid’s safety, but I do think we fail to realize what affect the online profile we are building them right now could do to them relationally.

I’m currently working with quite a few kids in therapy as well as ministry, and one of the growing conversations that kids are engaging me in is their embarrassment of what their parents are posting about them online, whether it be a picture or some random comment on Twitter. As parents we might think it’s funny to say something like, “my husband just had the birds and the bees talk with our son”, or “sometimes being a parent is exhausting.” As parents we see it as no more than an opportunity to share a piece of our life with others, or to connect with other parents online. But to your kids, it’s more than that. Continue Reading…

A Little Bit of Everything for the Weekend

October 2, 2009 in Marriage-Family, Ministry-Theology, Technology-Social Media, Therapy-Psychology with 0 Comments

Running, Technology and Clarity…
You can check out my guest post at John Dyer’s blog, Running Without All the Noise. These are some thoughts on why running without music is beneficial, and I encourage you to give it a try.

Marriages, Technology and Facebook…
You can check out my guest post at the online version of Chatter Magazine (Irving Bible Church), in which I talk about the issue of technology (specifically Facebook), marriages and boundaries. If you are married, and on Facebook, I would especially love to get your feedback. Is Facebook Making Your Marriage Vulnerable?

Cultivate Conference, Communication and Ministry…
There are lots and lots of reasons to attend the Cultivate Conference this month in Chicago. Let me give you at least 4 for now:

John Acuff on Writing, Storytelling, Cultivate09, and His new book, “Stuff Christians Like”

Cultivate 2009: My Interview With Matt Knisely, And Why You Should Attend

Cultivate 2009: My Interview With Cynthia Ware, And Why You Should Attend

Carlos Whitaker On Why You Should Attend The Cultivate Conference

Is Facebook Making Your Marriage Vulnerable?

September 28, 2009 in Marriage-Family, Ministry-Theology, Technology-Social Media, Therapy-Psychology with 13 Comments

[image by hikingartist]

Chatter Magazine which is the great print/online monthly magazine for Irving Bible Church dedicated their October issue to technology. There are some really great articles in there like John Dyer’s Stop Bringing Your Bible to Church!

My contribution was on the issue of technology and marriage, more specifically, Is Facebook Making Your Marriage Vulnerable? In the article I address what seems to be a growing trend of people reconnecting/connecting through Facebook, and starting friendships with those people, which eventually lead to an affair in their marriage. Some of the evidence is anecdotal, some of it through stories from friends, but one can see the growing evidence in the daily news.

In the article I focus on the Identity, Boundaries and Accountability as three areas that are helpful if you are married and on Facebook….or if you just want to have healthy relational interactions on Facebook period.

If you don’t already know this, I’m a huge fan of Facebook, but here are some things I suggest in the article.

Here are just a few tips I have found helpful in my own marriage and counseling practice:

* Set parameters around how much time you are online each day. For example, no Internet after 9 p.m.

* Share passwords with your spouse. Let your spouse check your accounts on occasion for accountability and vice versa, not because you don’t trust each other, but for an added measure of protection.

* Do not engage in intimate online conversation with someone who is not your spouse. For example, are you sharing details about your marriage with someone online who is not your spouse?

* Set appropriate privacy filters/details on social media. For example, have you set parameters for your iPhone and YouTube, which are huge avenues of pornography for many?

* Be a part of an offline accountability group/small group.

* Use online accountability tools. For example, subscribe to an online service such as Covenant Eyes (www.covenanteyes.com), which keeps track of all your web usage and e-mails a report to your accountability partners each week.

You can read the entire article here.

Let me know what you think. And if you have any helpful suggestions, or if you want to share what you and your spouse do, that would be great.

Is Your Addiction to Technology Transforming Your Life

August 25, 2009 in Marriage-Family, Technology-Social Media, Therapy-Psychology with 18 Comments

[image by David R. Carroll]

Do you remember what life was like before your cell phone, or before you had an internet connection in your house? It seems like such a long time ago. We even wonder at times how we could have lived life without them. The scary thing is that it wasn’t that long ago, yet in several short years these technological tools have rewired the way we interact, communicate and relate.

I sent my first email message in college, probably around January of 1994. It was so slow going through at the time that it didn’t even really seem worth sending another. I bought my first cell phone in 1998. I think it had only like 150 minutes per month on it which was enough because there were very few people I could call at that time who had a cell phone. In 2005 I put internet in our new house after we got married, which was really the first time I had had internet in my home before. Now I wonder how I got anything done. These personal discoveries encompass a time of around the last 4—15 years, yet at 34 I sometimes wonder how I lived without them.

What at one point were things that I felt like I could not live without, I’ve been contemplating if they are worth living with? Or if I even tried to live without them, would that even be possible. You see, I’m starting to wonder if I’m addicted to my technology. I’m not the first to wonder this question but I have been thinking about it a lot more this week as news on the opening of reSTART Internet Addiction Recovery Program near Seattle, WA has been widely discussed online. Ben Parr wrote an article on Mashable where he stated:

“It’s getting tougher and tougher to argue that there is no such thing as Internet Addiction Disorder, especially if you watched the CNN video above. The sad truth is that it’s possible to become addicted to just about anything, and that the web (and World of Warcraft) has sucked many people in so deep that they ignore social interactions and forget real-world obligations.

Does a rehab center for extreme cases make sense? Yes, especially if reSTART can provide scientific proof of success in breaking the addictions of its patients. Still, rehab doesn’t work for all drug addicts, and it probably won’t work for all Internet addicts. And unlike drug addiction, you can’t simply avoid and abstain from using the web; it’s too central to our economy, our work, our education, and our lives to be ignored.”

In case you were curious, here are the “signs and symptoms” of technology addiction:
Here is what to look for (3-4 yes responses suggest abuse; 5 or more suggest addiction)
Increasing amounts of time spent on computer and internet activities

Failed attempts to control behavior
Heightened sense of euphoria while involved in computer and internet activities
Craving more time on the computer and internet
Neglecting friends and family
Feeling restless when not engaged in the activity
Being dishonest with others
Computer use interfering with job/school performance
Feeling guilty, ashamed, anxious, or depressed as a result of behavior
Changes in sleep patterns
Physical changes such as weight gain or loss, backaches, headaches, carpal tunnel syndrome
Withdrawing from other pleasurable activities

And if you still aren’t sure, you can take the Are you addicted? survey.

Working With Addicts
For about a year in 2006 and 2007 I spent time working with addicts at a community mental health clinic in Los Angeles. The addictions were primarily related to substance abuse (drugs and alcohol) and I did everything that I could do to better understand the world of addictions. I took classes, I went to some Alcoholics Anonymous and Overeaters Anonymous groups, and I co-facilitated a 12 Steps group for 9 months a group that was mandatory for individuals if they wanted to stay out of jail. From that time a few of observations have really stuck out to me in regards to addiction:

Compulsions
Rationalizing behavior/choices
Re-arranges, transforms relationships Continue Reading…

Exploring the Online Characteristics of Generation F/Y, and Their Implications-Part 2

June 26, 2009 in Ministry-Theology, Technology-Social Media with 3 Comments

[image by jakeoneil]

Last week I posted Exploring the Online Characteristics of Generation F/Y, and Their Implications-Part 1. This series was born out of my fascination with the great article, The Facebook Generation vs. the Fortune 500. And for the first post focused on the first “online characteristic” of this generation, All ideas compete on equal footing.

Today I want to take a look at another characteristic:

2. Contribution counts for more than credentials. When you post a video to YouTube, no one asks you if you went to film school. When you write a blog, no one cares whether you have a journalism degree. Position, title, and academic degrees—none of the usual status differentiators carry much weight online. On the Web, what counts is not your resume, but what you can contribute.

I’m really curious about this characteristic and whether you agree or not? I still think some credentials are important, and some even necessary to certain vocations. But I do think it’s becoming less important. I tell my wife quite a bit that I’m not even sure college will be relevant when my daughter turns 18. Training schools, apprentices, self-learning, etc. But who knows. I have some credentials that are relevant to my work. My M.Div. isn’t necessary in some church circles, but it was helpful, and pretty much required for the denomination I have been in the last 8 years. My MSMFT is necessary though if I want to practice as a marriage and family therapist in any state.

But with the explosion of online collaboration, contribution and socializing, this need to justify ourselves through credentials seems to be collapsing. This is an especially strong point of tension in many churches. Online is a place where the junior high kid who posts a funny video, or the college student who makes a film, or the young adult who writes a blog…has as much credentials, and quite possibly as big of a listening and watching audience as does the pastor preaching on Sunday morning.

I think where this tension will become more apparent is denominationally. Many denominations have huge barriers for ordination and participation in certain leadership structures. Not everyone is going to be willing to jump through those hoops, and I think those who will be willing to do so will continue to shrink. That’s why I think denominations like the PCUSA will continue to shrink up, losing more and more bright and future leaders to other forms of church structure and ecclesiology.

Are credentials important in your church?

Does the need for these credentials exclude leaders who could participate more fully in the life of church ministry?

Exploring the Online Characteristics of Generation F/Y, and Their Implications for Ministry

June 18, 2009 in Ministry-Theology, Technology-Social Media with 7 Comments

This world of social networking is a world of little to no hierarchy, and the leadership that exists is one that is centered within the groups in the online communities, and encourages a leadership style that is horizontally structured, striving to give equal voice to everyone involved. In terms of its impact to the world outside of it, these online social networking sites encourage a bottom’s up style of leadership, where change comes from grass root movements within the sites and moves out into the world. If a student does not feel empowered in any of the relationships that exist in his or her day to day life, they are going to find it online where there are little to no rules, and no parental control or authority to tell them what, when or how to do something. Students are masters of their own universe and they shape their profile and identity around the idea that they are valuable to the group and can offer meaningful opinions.

This is crucial for youth workers to understand. Most churches operate using a hierarchical approach, where structure and authority are organized in a top-down manner. In most cases, this means that the voices that are given the most importance and are usually the most heard are those of the senior pastor, the ordained staff or those in positions of employed leadership. This is not the case for MySpace or Facebook. Everyone has a voice and place along the continuum of leadership in these communities. When Nouwen states that “The way of the Christian leader is not the way of upward mobility in which our world has invested so much, but the way of downward mobility ending on the cross,” I would argue that online social networking sites offer in terms of leadership a trajectory more aligned with downward mobility than most church structures. This is what happened in our ministry in 2006 when one of my students decided to create for us a Facebook profile without my knowledge. This is often what scares most youth workers away from these sites, knowing that they can’t control what happens online, and that the power and position they hold in the real world, means sometimes nothing in the virtual world. But looking back over the last year I am thankful that he took the initiative and didn’t feel like he had to get approval through me. (The New Media Frontier: Blogging, Vlogging, and Podcasting for Christ)

That’s what I wrote about two years ago in my chapter Navigating the Evolving World of Youth Ministry in the Facebook-MySpace Generation. As you can see, I think the combination of the online world and Generation Y/F has huge implications for ministry. On Tuesday I posted Values of Generation Y/Millenials That Will Help Transform Work and Church, and it got some good reaction online via blogs, Twitter, as well in some personal conversation that I had. And then yesterday, ChurchCrunch commented on the post and topic with Hiring, Managing, and Keeping Staff from the Facebook Generation.

So I’ve decided to look at this issue at length, and in depth a little more. There are lots of issues here that intrigue and excite me. Leadership and management styles. Generational stereotypes, especially around Generations Y/F. The leverage of technology and social media in reshaping all of the above. As I mentioned, all of these things have HUGE IMPLICATIONS FOR THE CHURCH.

So over the next few couple of weeks I’m going to look again at the article The Facebook Generation vs. the Fortune 500, and I’m going to revisit the 12 work-relevant characteristics of online life that Gary Hamel says represent this Generation F (Y, Millenials–whatever you want to call them). But I’m going to look at each one through the lense of Church, ministry, theology, and see what we can learn, and why this generation is often at odds with those current generation of leaders pastoring churches today.

In case you forgot what the 12 characteristics are, here is the list to refresh your memory:

All ideas compete on an equal footing.
Contribution counts for more than credentials.
Hierarchies are natural, not prescribed.
Leaders serve rather than preside.
Tasks are chosen, not assigned.
Groups are self-defining and -organizing.
Resources get attracted, not allocated.
Power comes from sharing information, not hoarding it.
Opinions compound and decisions are peer-reviewed.
Users can veto most policy decisions.
Intrinsic rewards matter most.
Hackers are heroes.

I look forward to exploring this topic with you.

Clay Shirky: How cellphones, Twitter, Facebook can make history

June 16, 2009 in Ministry-Theology, Technology-Social Media with 1 Comment

Great TED video interview with Clay Shirky at the TED@State event. Clay has been super influential in my thinking, especially after I read his book Here Comes Everybody last year. I highly, highly recommend this book. It is a must read for anyone in a leadership position. I wish more church leaders would read it. What he says is what is happening in leadership and organizations all over the world.

Check out the video.

I have been reflecting on his writings for a long time, and I have been especially interested in two specific topics he talks about in the book. Architecture of participation and communities of practice. I have more thoughts on a theology of these for the Church (but that’s for another post).

I wrote Clay an email last year to tell him about his influence on my thinking, and he promptly responded with a nice email in return.

When asked about what has had the biggest impact with what is going on right now in Iran–blog, Facebook, Twitter)–this was Clay’s response:

It’s Twitter. One thing that Evan (Williams) and Biz (Stone) did absolutely right is that they made Twitter so simple and so open that it’s easier to integrate and harder to control than any other tool. At the time, I’m sure it wasn’t conceived as anything other than a smart engineering choice. But it’s had global consequences. Twitter is shareable and open and participatory in a way that Facebook’s model prevents. So far, despite a massive effort, the authorities have found no way to shut it down, and now there are literally thousands of people around the world who’ve made it their business to help keep it open.

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