Tag Archive - counseling

Overlooking People in Ministry (for number’s sake)

April 19, 2010 in Ministry-Theology, Therapy-Psychology with 11 Comments

Unfortunately, one of the ministry lessons that has been drilled into my head over the years is that numbers matter. Specifically large numbers.

I was rarely asked by my supervisors how an event went, or what stories I could tell about the ministry. It always seemed to be about metrics…things that can be measured in numbers. And I get the need for metrics in ministry, (accountability, direction, etc.), but when did that dictate everything we do?

Usually the question was, “How many people showed up?”

Though I don’t believe numbers to be a great marker of life transformation, it’s hard to move beyond intellectually knowing that. So I would find myself questioning things that didn’t attract a significant number of people.

Fast forward…

Now that I’m a practicing therapist I never get questions about numbers.

First, therapy isn’t measured by numbers, but by change.

Second, there is the assumption in therapy that one person can change and have great affect on an entire system. One partner in a marriage can transform the marriage. One kid in a family can transform the family.

I’m being taught the transforming value of one person upon a system.

I wonder what ministry would look like if we approached the people we serve in the same way? That one person can transform a ministry. One person can transform a city. One person can transform the world.

Instead, I think too often in ministry we are taught the value of numbers at the cost of missing out on opportunities to minister to and disciple that one person.

Chad and Sarah Markley Interview #3: Moving Forward

March 5, 2010 in Marriage-Family, Ministry-Theology, Therapy-Psychology with 1 Comment

I really appreciate Chad and Sarah opening up so much of their life with us this week. One of the reasons that I wanted to interview them was because I think that their story is, and can be so helpful to many other couples out there — and on so many levels.

And if you aren’t already reading their blogs, you definitely should be.

The final interview (3/3) is below, and you can catch up on the previous two in the links below.

You can read Part 1: here
You can read Part 2: here

This is Part 3 of 3

Sarah, I know you are working on a book and I was wondering if you could share how that process is going?

Sarah: I’m about 50 percent finished with my rough draft. I’m still actively seeking representation and a publisher. When it’s done it will be a creative retelling of my story focusing on redemption and hope but also explaining the factors that led me to the place I ended up.

You seem like you are a very creative family (writing, music, technology, etc.), and I was wondering what creative things you like to do together as a family?

Sarah: We try to give our kids as many experiences as possible without overwhelming them. I’m not talking Disneyland every day, but we do love to go to the science museum or the nature center and try to travel as much as we can as a family. Our girls love to draw and do crafts at the kitchen table. Chad often plays the guitar for them in the evenings and the three of them like to make up songs together. Our girls are involved in sports, dance and horseback riding. They know I’m writing a book and that I write daily on my blog.

Thirteen years in, what do you think is the best thing about marriage?

Sarah: Hands down: being married to my best friend is the best thing about marriage. And the fact that we each know most of each other’s faults and strengths is so comforting too. He knows all the bad things I’ve done and I know the same about him. Somehow we still love one another deeply.

Chad:For me it is shared experience. I love having someone to share the important moments with, both good and bad.

You mention that the two of you saw a counselor, so I’m naturally curious about the role that played in your recovery, if any?

Sarah: We went to see a Christian marriage and family counselor the week after my confession. She came highly recommended by a friend of our pastor’s and we met with her weekly for 6 months. At that time she moved to a different state and transferred us to another counselor in the same practice. We met with her weekly for another six months as well. Both counselors met different needs in us. The first one, besides helping us address the immediate problems, addressed Chad’s ADD and referred him to a psychiatrist so he could seek medication. The second therapist helped us to develop better methods of communication and walked us through some difficult times that occurred later in that same year.

Chad: Counseling was KEY!! People are crazy to think their pastor can understand every single crazy thing they are going through. It was important to me that the counselor was well trained and credentialed in their field AND was a Christ follower. We were able to find both of these at Center for Individual and Family Therapy.

How much information, if any, have you shared with your children?

Sarah: Our daughters are almost 4 and almost 8. We haven’t shared much with them. I plan on sharing some (limited) information with my oldest daughter in the near future. We agree that sooner is better than later when it comes to things like this, as long as it is age appropriate.

What are your hopes for the couples that you share your story with? What do you hope they walk away with?

Sarah:I would hope that they can see that no sin is too big for God’s grace, that God’s love is able to heal in mighty ways (even a heart which has been wounded as deeply as my husband’s) and that it is very possible to “come back” from something like this. Nothing in God’s kingdom is wasted and even something as horrible as what I did and what we went through, God has been using time and time again for His glory.

Do the two of you have any dreams and hopes for sharing your story with others? Speaking to churches, couples, etc.?

Sarah: I hesitate to use the word “dream”. “Hope” is a better word for what we would like to see happen, I think. We spoke together for the first time a couple months ago and when we did we felt right in the middle of our gifting. We worked well together with great chemistry and I think it was very effective. We hope to speak more in that manner. I also will be speaking by myself in the near future.

As a couple, what are you two really passionate about? What shared interests do you have that you really feel connected when you do together?

Sarah: As funny as this sounds, we love to talk about theology, social networking or technology. We are sort of geeks when you get us by ourselves. We have a shared love for people, our kids and our families. We’ll try anything new and we love love love to travel together. Go to a new city, explore the restaurants, walking routes and museums. Our favorite cities are London, Washington, D.C., Paris and Monterey, California. And before we had kids, we used to exercise together (gasp). Now we have to do that alone while the other sleeps in with the kids.

We’re passionate about real living and genuine Christ-following. We have a desire to see people talk about their stories with authenticity and to follow hard after Christ with true motivations behind what they do. We don’t like to “do church” for the sake of “doing church”. Worship, community, learning about God’s word and getting closer to Him — we desire to see people live this out in their lives between Sundays.

Chad: I echo what Sarah lists above but I need to also include my love of worship and music. I LOVE bringing people into worship ANYWHERE and ANYTIME I can get the opportunity.

How have your relationships with God changed as a result of the affair and the healing that has taken place?

Sarah: I often wonder if I was a true Christ-follower before my confession six years ago. I don’t know. There were times in my life that I sincerely wanted to do the right things and please God, but for the most part, my relationship with God before was lifeless and not based on a true love for Him. When I decided to give up the affair and focus on my marriage, my spirit, my heart and my soul was broken. I wanted to be different and the only way to do that was to follow Christ with my whole life. I read through the Bible in one year and I could feel and see the spiritual gifting that I’d suppressed begin to emerge again. I fell in love with Christ and I wanted to do everything possible to live righteously. Finally my Christianity was “real.”

Chad: I have a more realistic expectation of people now. I realize EVERYONE fails and no one is above falling into horrible sin. I also have come to the place where I realize it isn’t too late for anyone to come back to Christ. I think I see people more with His eyes now versus my own.

That’s Not Who I Married: Allowing Your Spouse the Freedom to Be

January 21, 2010 in Marriage-Family, Therapy-Psychology with 15 Comments


[image by Adam Foster]

“That’s not who I married!”

It’s a response I often hear as I sit across from couples in therapy. At this point in the relationship one, or both of the spouses has become angered, disillusioned, sad (name the feeling/emotion) over what they feel is a loss of the person that they dated, became engaged to, and eventually married. They are desperately trying to get back to those early days, maybe capture those early feelings.

But the fact remains that each of them has changed. It’s part of the process of growing as a person. In fact, I would worry if the spouse was still the same, had never changed, and was the same today as they were on their wedding days years ago.

There are things that often stay pretty consistent about us throughout our life and marriage. Maybe it’s the temperament of the person, their favorite books to read, how they take their coffee in the morning, etc. Whatever it may be, there are markers that stay pretty consistent that give one spouse a pretty good knowledge of the other spouse.

But then there are things that may change such as hobbies, friendships, styles of food, music, or maybe even a move from extroversion to introversion. Sometimes the changes are so subtle that we may not notice in the busyness of life, or sometimes they may become so apparent that we feel like the “rules” of the marriage have been re-written without our knowledge or input on the matter. Continue Reading…

“Introverts in the Church” — Interview with Adam S. McHugh/Part 2

December 17, 2009 in Ministry-Theology, Technology-Social Media, Therapy-Psychology with 5 Comments

Adam McHughOn Tuesday I posted the first part of my interview with Adam McHugh (“Introverts in the Church” — Interview with Adam S. McHugh/Part 1), whom you can find blogging and writing here. As I’ve already said about a million times already, his new book, Introverts in the Church: Finding Our Place in an Extroverted Culture is a great book. It’s not too late to pick it up for Christmas…for the introverts and extroverts in your life. Everyone needs to read it. And I will go as far to say that if you are in ministry, it would be a shame if you didn’t read it–I think you would be missing out on a piece of the puzzle when it comes to how you serve, minister, understand and raise up other leaders.

Here is part 2:

R: What are the 2-3 most important things that can introverts teach us?

A: I’m glad you asked this question, because too often it seems that introversion is viewed as a liability, rather than a gift. I know I’ve been guilty of defining introversion in terms of what I’m not rather than what I am. Here are the two most important things I think introverts bring to the church: 1. The value of listening and 2. The need to slow down.

People in our culture so rarely have the experience of being truly listened to, of being given the space to express what’s on their hearts. Too often we speak over one another, interrupt one another, compete for space to speak. Because introverts process internally, and consider what they say before they speak, they can be incredible listeners. We offer a non-judgmental presence that helps others open up to us. Now, there’s more to listening than just not speaking, and it’s a discipline to be cultivated (my next book is about listening!), but introverts have a good start in becoming excellent listeners, communicating deep love for others through listening. I think listening is a tremendous asset in evangelism, which I talk about in chapter 8. Second, introverts often lead a slower, quieter, more contemplative lifestyle and we help people in our fast-paced culture slow down. We bring a calming presence to people and to our churches. Modern-day evangelicalism tends to be so full, so busy, so hurried and weighed down by agendas, and I say in the book that introverts are part of the antidote to what ails evangelical culture.

R: Let me throw out a couple of technologies that are being used in the Church and let me just get your response in regard to introverts. What would introverts think of twittering in the church? How about online church?

A: I knew you were going to ask me this! I’ll say first that, as an introvert, I am grateful for social media like Facebook and Twitter. It has helped me make connections, and deepen relationships, with people that I just don’t have the energy for in face-to-face situations. I’m often much better in writing than I am in person. But I do think there are inherent dangers in online communication, especially when it becomes a substitute for in-person relationships, and I worry when introverts spend far more time online than they do with people. Again, I address these issues in the book.

Twitter in church seems to be becoming the 21st century version of note-taking, but I actually think it’s an extroverted form of processing. Since it’s not acceptable to talk during a sermon, tweeting is a way that extroverts can think “aloud.” As a preacher, I can’t say I’m wild about the idea of people tweeting while I’m preaching. It seems like people in our technologically driven culture are in so many places at once, and perhaps worship should be one time a week that we seek to bring all of ourselves into unity– heart, mind, soul, body, and typing fingers.

As far as online church, I’m ambivalent. For people in countries where Christianity is banned, and for those people who simply will not cross the threshold of a church, then it’s a great thing. But, no matter how introverted you are, we all need embodied relationships and if we can’t find them in the body of Christ, then I’m not sure where we can find them. Second, people who are uncomfortable being in church are usually not resisting church attendance because of introversion but because of shyness, experiences of rejection, and other wounds. If we have been wounded by people and churches, then it seems to me that full healing will actually come when we find those people and churches, who communicate, in full, embodied form, the gentleness, compassion, and love of Jesus. I’m really grateful that the Son of God didn’t just get on a web-cam in heaven but actually incarnated into full human form and walked and lived among us. Online church may be an excellent step for many of those people, but my hope is that it is only a step.

R: What do you think is the most important takeaway for ministry for pastors who read this book? What will pastors learn from this book that will equip them better as a leader?

I devote two chapters in the book trying to demonstrate how pastors and other Christian leaders don’t have to keep masquerading as extroverts and can actually lead as introverts. That’s the main takeaway: lead as yourselves!! In chapter 6 I draw from biblical models of leadership, which center around character not personality, as well as models of leadership from the corporate and non-profit worlds which emphasize servant leadership, humility, reflection, and introspection. In chapter 7, the longest chapter, I go into ministry practicals for introverted leaders and discuss partnering with extroverts, following the model of Jesus in investing in “the few,” preaching as an introvert, and tailoring our jobs and schedules to suit our introverted rhythms and strengths.

R: I think you do a great job of dispelling the myth that those who retreated to the desert or to solitude were doing so to escape. Instead you seem to say that when we seek solitude we are better able to move forward into action because of the contemplation/solitude. Is that an accurate statement?

Henri Nouwen said that compassion is the fruit of solitude. When we go deep into ourselves and invite God to show us as we truly are, we find true identity. We find the good things about ourselves, our gifts, and also the ugly things – the jealousy, the fear, the anger, the desire to objectify and control others – but if we open ourselves to God’s grace in those ugly places, we can find deep compassion both for ourselves and for others. That compassion propels us to action and to works of mercy and justice. Before Jesus began his public ministry, he spent 40 days in the wilderness with only the word of God to sustain him. Throughout the history of the church, great leaders and highly influential people like St. Anthony, St. Patrick, Martin Luther, and countless others have found the impetus to love and to lead in solitude.

iPhone + Ustream = Therapy on the Go

December 11, 2009 in Marriage-Family, Technology-Social Media, Therapy-Psychology with 3 Comments

apple iphoneOne of the things I have been thinking about for the last six months is the idea of doing therapy on the go through mobile technology. Though I believe strongly in the benefits of in person, face to face therapy, I think technology is making available new avenues for us to explore the benefits of therapy through a mediated technological tool.

I have only been thinking about it…

And then I saw this tweet by DJ Chuang yesterday:

wow! this is revolutionary – live streaming video from an iPhone 3g ! see me work at http://ow.ly/KM24

Ustream and its Live Broadcaster app is the first app to stream live video from your iPhone to the internet.

I could see therapists using this feature for clients who are traveling especially.

It could be done iPhone to iPhone. iPhone to computer. Etc.

Just thinking out loud.

What do you think? Could you imagine receiving therapy via live video streaming from the iPhone?

Can You Be “Fully Present” Relationally If You Are Tweeting In Your Wedding, Church Service and Marital Interactions…

December 2, 2009 in Marriage-Family, Ministry-Theology, Technology-Social Media, Therapy-Psychology with 9 Comments

At the Cultivate Conference in October I was really impressed with John Acuff’s thoughts on satire. He basically said (loosely paraphrased) that for him satire was blowing something up so big (larger than life), so that we can sort of step back and see ourselves in it. For John, it’s blowing up and satarizing Christian culture. It’s like a mirror reflecting back on what we do, and who we are.

Though this is not satire, watching the video below gave me an opportunity to step back and gain a new perspective on our use of technology and how it is permeating our lives. If you haven’t seen the video yet, check it out below. The groom was basically updating his facebook and twitter status at the altar (mind you, without his bride in on this).

Twittering in Church and Weddings
I have been thinking a lot about the use of technology in our lives and how it affects our relationships, but it took seeing this video to give me some more clarity on the subject, and help me think beyond the use of technology just in this specific situation.

Let me be up front and say that each person can decide what they want to do in their wedding. Everyone has their own ideas, from traditional to more casual. I tend to come from a more traditional camp, holding basically the idea that our wedding ceremony is a worship service where others participate in our union of becoming one before Christ. That is pretty sacred, so I tend to be more traditional. So as I watched the video it tended to rub me the wrong way. But here is why…..

Continue Reading…

Some Observations on Social Media and the Emerging World of Therapy and Pastoral Counseling

November 30, 2009 in Marriage-Family, Ministry-Theology, Technology-Social Media, Therapy-Psychology with 3 Comments

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[image by Ben Zvan]

I’ve been thinking a lot about the topic of social media and the role of therapists (pastoral counselors) in the midst of it. There is a large percentage of therapists who thinks being online should be super limited, if online at all. And there is an emerging demographic of therapists who are making a splash online and venturing forth to help people in some unprecedented ways. As I work through these things myself, I just wanted to share 3 areas that I have some observations about.

Online Social Media As Catalyst for Face to Face Therapy
Back in July of 2009 I was invited by Tony Steward to come to LifeChurch.tv and film four short videos on depression that correlated with their At the Movies series. It was a great opportunity to work with Tony and the team at LifeChurch.tv; to experiment with online technology/social media around the topic of depression; and to see how online accessibility affected my work as a therapist and a counselor.

Several things came out of our time together that are continuing to blossom, and I’m learning a great deal about combining my work as a therapist in an online medium. One of the real beautiful stories that emerged out of that experience was that I was contacted on Twitter by someone who had come across my video and said “I felt like you were speaking directly to me…yet, you didn’t know me.” That video, led to a Tweet, to an email conversation, to face to face therapy. That’s an amazing story I think.

I continue to receive emails from those videos I shot, and I also continue to follow up on people’s progress who emailed me on Facebook about things they were going through.

We will continue to see social media as a catalyst to help get people into therapy–either face to face in person, or face to face online.

Being Accessible to Help
One of the things about being online, present on Twitter, Facebook or a blog is that you present the image of being accessible. I say present the image of being accessible because not everyone online is accessible. Continue Reading…

A Pastor’s Dilemma: Responsibilities, Limitations and Questions to Ask About Counseling

November 23, 2009 in Marriage-Family, Ministry-Theology, Therapy-Psychology with 5 Comments

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[image by dcfdelacruz]

I made a comment on Twitter the other night that went something like this:

Feel blog post coming on about how dangerous it is when pastors ignore serious mental health issues & blame it on spiritual problems

And from that I received a lot of interesting feedback–mostly people saying, yes, I agree. Blog about it. But after sitting on the topic a few days my post is hopefully more helpful to you than the initial rant that ran through my head that night.

Why Pastors Don’t Refer
As pastors we have lots of things going for us. Usually we are good with people and that’s how we ended up in ministry in the first place. People feel safe talking to us, and want to talk with us.  We are told we are good listeners and have helped solve their problems.   A lot of times we have a great education with a variety of gifts that manifest itself in the ministry we serve in. I think one of the two, or that combination can trick us into believing that we can and should help everyone who comes to us. And this is where I think pastors fall into trouble when it comes to knowing what to do with someone, or why they should refer out to a professional therapist and counselor.  Here are some of the roadblocks I think pastors face:

  • Ego/Naivete: We have certain gifts; we have been told we have those gifts, therefore we think we can help anyone.  We become/or think we have become a wonderworker.  This happens because of ego, but I also think because of naivete.  We fail to operate within limits, or even acknowledge we have limits.
  • Confusion: We aren’t sure what the counseling/therapy process looks like, nor who to send people to see.
  • Don’t Care for Themselves: Pastors often don’t care for themselves, so it’s not surprisingly they are unable to help others seek care also.
  • Time Constraints: Pastors have a lot on their hands, and though caring for the congregation is supposed to be important, that task usually falls through the cracks or is assigned to only one person.  Often the time constraints remove the pastor from the process of helping that person seek the proper help.
  • Fear of Unknown: Like confusion, many pastors just have a fear of the unknown. They are unfamiliar with therapy practices, or who the people in their community they can refer people to are.  They also might not truly believe in therapy and counseling, and so there is a fear of sending people to see someone.

One of the reasons I’m passionate about this topic is because I have been a pastor for the last 12 years, spent my youth volunteering in the church, and I’m a PK myself, so I have been around the church a lot.  And this is an area that I think we sometimes are weak in, or rather, need more education in.

For example, if someone needs help, who should you send them to?  Who you send them to will probably be indicative upon your theological beliefs and assumptions about therapy.  There are lots of resources and a variety of options:  For example:

Do I send them to someone who is AAPC, certified? Or maybe they need to belong to the American Association of Christian Counselors or the Association of Biblical Counselors? Or maybe they need to be trained in Nouthetic Counseling? Or maybe they should be licensed through the state such as an AAMFT or an LPC? Or what about seeing a Spiritual Director (i.e. Shalem Institute)?

Questions Pastors Should Ask Themselves
As pastors I believe we all share a responsibility in caring for those in our congregation and those that specifically come to see us for help. We have been gifted in many ways to do that, but we also have to be responsible and discerning, and ask ourselves some questions. I asked myself similar questions during my time as a college pastor (2001-2008). And during that time I realized that I was dealing with student issues that were way beyond any type of training that I received in seminary or anywhere else. And even though I felt competent to do many things with an MDiv., I ultimately went back to school to get an MFT. I figured that way I could better help those who came to me, and if I couldn’t I would still continue to refer out as I had been doing. Continue Reading…

Facebook Isn’t the Problem…But Maybe Your Marriage Is

November 18, 2009 in Marriage-Family, Technology-Social Media, Therapy-Psychology with 10 Comments

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[image (47/365) :: Saga]

Triangling Facebook Into the Marital Unit
Often I find myself working with a kid in therapy whose parents have brought him/her in because of the problems they are creating in the family. In therapy/counseling terms that kid has become the identified patient. In short, the identified patient is:

The family member in whom the family’s symptom has emerged or is most obvious.

But often it doesn’t take long to realize that the problem really isn’t the kid, but rather the kid is just “acting out” because of what is going on in the family–the kid is carrying/becomes the carrier of the family problem. The scapegoat. This isn’t usually intentional, and is often done at an unconscious level in order to place blame on one member of the family in order to relieve anxiety in the other members–such as the marital unit. This is often why triangles are formed–in order to relieve the anxiety between two people.

BUT, I don’t think Facebook is really the problem. Rather, it’s just an easy scapegoat. Can it contribute to the problem? Yes. Can it be a catalyst in unhealthy marriage relationships? Certainly. But to blame Facebook would be to remove ourselves from the relational responsibility we have. And what about all the great things Facebook can accomplish–ways that it can enhance marriage relationships (I will talk about that later this week).

Non-Technological Neutrality, Marriage Relationships and Facebook
I’m definitely not a technological expert, but I have been learning a lot from John Dyer and others in this area. One of the things I have learned the most about is the non-neutral nature of technology which John speaks about quite a bit and in which I write about more recently in the post, Is Your Addiction to Technology Transforming Your Life. For example, I write:

At the ECHO conference John had a seminar titled Using Technology without Technology Using You. John’s main premise was that technology is not neutral. It can be both good and bad. But ultimately the use of technology is not neutral in that it transforms the user in some way. John gave the example of working with a shovel (a primitive technological tool). The shovel can be put to good use (church planting, building a home, etc.) and it can be put to bad use (killing someone, burying the body, etc.). But in either case it transforms the user in the form of blisters/calluses on the hand. The same is true of technology, whether you use it for good or bad, it still transforms you in some way when you use it.

So the question we all need to ask ourselves is, how is the technology and the tools we are using transforms us? And how does our use of technology transform those we relate to?

This is how I have come to understand the role of technology in my life.

Facebook is not the problem, but if we think that our use of Facebook isn’t transforming our marriage relationships in some way–then I think we are mistaken. Continue Reading…

On the Similarities Between Being a Writer and Being a Therapist

November 16, 2009 in Marriage-Family, Therapy-Psychology with 1 Comment

Though Anne Lamott is speaking on writing–I think it can also be used as one of the best explanations for what a therapist does. I inserted the word therapist for writer and it best explains some of what goes on in therapy–things that are hard to put into words.

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[image by Hamed Saber]

“We write to expose the unexposed. If there is one door in the castle you have been told not to go through, you must. Otherwise, you’ll just be rearranging furniture in rooms you’ve already been in. Most human beings are dedicated to keeping that one door shut. But the writer’s job is to see what’s behind it, to see the bleak unspeakable stuff, and to turn the unspeakable into words– not just into any words but if we can, into rhythm and blues.” (Bird by Bird: Some Insructions on Writing and Life, by Anne Lamott, pp. 198)

.

Whether you are a writer, or a therapist, what do you think of this piece from Anne?
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