Tag Archive - Church

Do Churches Try and Protect Their Congregants from Anxiety?

July 12, 2011 in Ministry-Theology, Pastoral Counseling, Pastoral Leadership, Therapy-Psychology with 4 Comments

A couple of weeks ago a friend of mine shared an article with me on my Facebook profile called, How to Land Your Kid in Therapy.

It is a fascinating read for sure, and well worth your time.

But I was especially taken by this passage:

Paul Bohn, a psychiatrist at UCLA who came to speak at my clinic, says the answer may be yes. Based on what he sees in his practice, Bohn believes many parents will do anything to avoid having their kids experience even mild discomfort, anxiety, or disappointment—“anything less than pleasant,” as he puts it—with the result that when, as adults, they experience the normal frustrations of life, they think something must be terribly wrong.

Consider a toddler who’s running in the park and trips on a rock, Bohn says. Some parents swoop in immediately, pick up the toddler, and comfort her in that moment of shock, before she even starts crying. But, Bohn explains, this actually prevents her from feeling secure—not just on the playground, but in life. If you don’t let her experience that momentary confusion, give her the space to figure out what just happened (Oh, I tripped), and then briefly let her grapple with the frustration of having fallen and perhaps even try to pick herself up, she has no idea what discomfort feels like, and will have no framework for how to recover when she feels discomfort later in life. These toddlers become the college kids who text their parents with an SOS if the slightest thing goes wrong, instead of attempting to figure out how to deal with it themselves. If, on the other hand, the child trips on the rock, and the parents let her try to reorient for a second before going over to comfort her, the child learns: That was scary for a second, but I’m okay now. If something unpleasant happens, I can get through it. In many cases, Bohn says, the child recovers fine on her own—but parents never learn this, because they’re too busy protecting their kid when she doesn’t need protection.

I think that we often do the same thing in the church as well.

Take this quote:

“parents will do anything to avoid having their kids experience even mild discomfort, anxiety, or disappointment—“anything less than pleasant,” as he puts it—with the result that when, as adults, they experience the normal frustrations of life, they think something must be terribly wrong.”

And re-write it like this:

“churches will do anything to avoid having their congregants experience even mild discomfort, anxiety, or disappointment-’anything less than pleasant.’”

I just see too often instances where pastors will swoop in and try and rescue a congregant from having anxiety as they wrestle with scripture or with God. They somehow believe that any anxiety is wrong and the person should have a solid certainty about God’s truth. So much for the dark night of the soul.

Or a youth pastor tries to keep a youth kid from asking too many tough questions that promote some anxiety in the group, and uncomfort with the youth pastor themself.

Or a worship planning meeting will spend endless hours managing every detail of a service so that nothing unplanned happens, or no mistakes are made. Sometimes I wonder if they are just trying to stave off any anxiety that may arise during the service in congregants or themselves if something were to not go off as perfect.

Much of church life is geared around trying to protect people from the frustrations of life and from experiencing any discomfort during church or their spiritual lives.

I say this from experience in my own work as a pastor for many years, and from what is conveyed to me by clients who come in for counseling.

But if anxiety is unpermitted in the church pew, then where else can they go to freely express it than the counseling office?

How Ministry Leaders Avoid the Hard Work of Boundary Setting

June 1, 2011 in Ministry-Theology, Pastoral Counseling, Pastoral Leadership, Therapy-Psychology with 3 Comments

We talk a lot about boundaries in our culture.

“Boundaries define us. They define what is me and what is not me. A boundary shows me where I end and someone else begins, leading me to a sense of ownership.

Knowing what I am to own and take responsibility for gives me freedom.” (Boundaries, Townsend and Cloud, pp. 29)



In fact, boundaries is one of the first things I address most often in my therapeutic work because a lack of clear and defined boundaries often leads to many problems in relationships with people. If people don’t have clear boundaries they often have a confused sense-of-self and identity.

But I feel like I’ve started to notice a trend regarding boundaries, especially in ministry circles.

The trend is this

A pastor/ministry leader/lay leader, et cetera makes a sweeping or non-negotiable statement about the boundaries they are practicing or want to practice.

Usually the statement comes from up front, preferably in front of many people as possible (Sunday worship perhaps) so as to communicate to as many people at one time the established boundary.

It may go something like this

“Because our church is so big, or because I’m so busy, I want you to know that I will NEVER personally return any emails/phone calls that you send to me. And I will NEVER meet you one on one at dinner/lunch/coffee, et cetera. I have a family and it’s a boundary that I have set in order to protect them.”

Though there are situations that this may be appropriate, it often feels like many ministry leaders do this in an attempt to avoid the difficult task of establishing healthy boundaries that can only come about in up and close relationships and interactions with other people.

Sure, it’s easier to just cut people off and avoid them.

Sure it’s easier to tell 6,000 people you will never return their emails than to have a heart to heart conversation with them about why you are setting a boundary with them regarding their emails.

It certainly helps us try and squash our own anxiety…but it certainly doesn’t lead to the relational growth that I think is necessary for not only people…but especially ministry leaders.

We only grow as people when we have to do the day in and day out hard work of being in relationship with people. We don’t grow by avoiding them or cutting them off.

I definitely think ministry leaders can do a better job of setting boundaries, but I just wonder sometimes if they avoid it because it’s such hard, ongoing work. Nothing is easier than getting up front and just delivering a boundary in front of 6,000 people. That way we can avoid the individual relational interaction and just address the big, anonymous crowd before us.

And when we do this, I wonder if we are actually avoiding the task of being a pastor.

How do you go about setting boundaries in your own life and ministry work? Any tips or suggestions?

Why ‘Pastors’ Become Therapists

April 27, 2011 in Ministry-Theology, Pastoral Counseling, Pastoral Leadership, Therapy-Psychology with 9 Comments

Several weeks ago I was at The Hideaway Experience doing co-therapy along with another former ‘pastor’ turned therapist. It’s not unusual to find therapists and counselors who were former pastors, but I think that vocational movement is often looked at with a sense of skepticism. That somehow, when a pastor leaves the pastorate to do counseling, they somehow also leave God behind in the process.

But what I am finding to be true in my own life and in the lives of many other therapists and counselors who were former pastors, is that they feel that God is now more alive and present than He ever was in their pastoral work. That is not to say that God was not or is not alive and present in both contexts. But what it does perhaps call attention to is the nature of pastoral work and pastoral identity and what that really means in our contexts, especially the North American context.

Eugene Peterson in his new book and memoir, The Pastor: A Memoir, says this:

“The vocation of pastor has been replaced by the strategies of religious entrepreneurs with business plans…..

I wonder if at the root of the defection is a cultural assumption that all leaders are peole who ‘get things done,’ and ‘make things happen.’ That is certainly true of the primary leadership models that seep into our awareness from the culture—politicians, businessmen, advertisers, publicists, celebrities, and athletes. But while being a pastor certainly has some of these components, the pervasive element in our two-thousand-year pastoral tradition is not someone who ‘gets things done’ but rather the person placed in the community to pay attention and call attention to ‘what is going on right now’ between men and women, with one another and with God—this kingdom of God that is primarily local, relentlessly personal, and prayerful ‘without ceasing.’”

As my friend and I (both former pastors now turned therapists) talked about that night at The Hideaway was the fact that for some of the first times in our lives we felt like we were free to be a pastor. But being a pastor didn’t come for us in the context of the Evangelical American Church, but rather in the mix of intense therapy work with couples who were struggling to put the pieces of their lives and marriages back together. There we were eating dinner with the couples, doing therapy, praying with them, crying with them, celebrating with them…witnessing all that life has to offer.

We felt like pastors.

But in the Church we as pastors often aren’t very pastoral. Instead we spend our time on budgets, on architecture plans, raising money and developing curriculum. All good things but it often pulls us away from what I think Eugene Peterson is describing when he says pastors “the person placed in the community to pay attention and call attention to ‘what is going on right now’ between men and women, with one another and with God…”

Instead of a pastor “paying attention” and “calling attention” to what is happening in a church community’s context, we end up taking on areas of specialization.

For example there is the 45 minute a week keynote speaker (aka preaching pastor). But many pastors who fulfill this role often remove themselves from the role of being a pastor to their people. They make statements and set boundaries that communicate something like “I’m too busy to spend time with you, so don’t expect me to ever come to dinner with you, or email you, etc.” They leave someone else to do the marrying, burying and hospital visits…the very things that make up the daily fabric of life. Perhaps they have removed themselves perhaps from the very act of pastoring.

I just wonder if in the process of specializing ministry positions the very essence of pastor then becomes lost. So now we have to designate someone to do pastoral care…i.e. to do the very things that a pastor does but that no pastor wants to do.

I have been a pastor (by title) for the last 13 years. But over the course of that time I have always struggled with who and what a pastor is. My expectations and the expectations of the churches I worked for were often very different. That is okay. But there should at least be some clarity when we talk about pastors then, because maybe we are all coming at it with different definitions. One way that that clarity manifested itself to me in ministry as a pastor was by the type of books we were recommended to read on staff (business books, leadership books, vision casting book, planning books, strategy books….all okay stuff in moderation, but what happened to the books on pastoral care, prayer, hospitality, spiritual direction, death, etc.?)

The books we read often indicate what kind of pastor we desire and strive to be.

In my 7 years as the college pastor (actually director since my denomination will not call me pastor unless ordained) at Bel Air Presbyterian Church, I honestly think my students would say of me that I was a good pastor…meaning I was good at “paying attention” and “calling attention” to what was happening in our community and pointing out the work of God in our midst. But I was not a good pastor in the context of how it is defined in the Evangelical American context. I wasn’t much good at budgeting and planning and coming up with strategies that would grow our ministry tenfold over a two year period. I could get by for a while, but I was not gifted at that, nor was I passionate about that.

Ultimately I had to make a decision on what type of pastor I wanted to be.

So what does one do when they feel like they are good at pastoring by “paying attention” to and “calling attention to” the work of God in people’s lives, but they are not good at being a “religious entrepreneur?”

They become a therapist.

I have found that in therapeutic work I am more of a pastor than I have ever been in my church ministry work. I am privy to parts of people’s lives that they would never share with me when I was their pastor, and in that interaction I have seen the work of God in ways that I was never witness to when I was in the pulpit.

Let me end by saying, I love being a pastor (I’m still on staff of a church), and if I could be the type of pastor in a church that Eugene Peterson talks about, then I’m totally open to that. But for now, I love being a therapist and I love the pastoral work that I get to do in that context.

I just wonder if we need to re-think…re-define…re-imagine who and what a pastor is in our modern day, Evangelical American Church context.

How do you wrestle with this as a pastor?

Is it something you struggle with?

The Chemistry of a Church Staff

February 8, 2011 in Ministry-Theology with 7 Comments

This is a guest post from my good friend Justin Lathrop whose company Help Staff Me in January of 2011 united with Vanderbloemen Search Group in an effort to serve the church with all their staffing needs. Whether it is a Jr. High Pastor a Lead Pastor or an Executive Pastor we are equipped to meet your staffing needs.

A staff member with years of experience observed, “If our team is strong and healthy, we can go through hell together and come out with wisdom and gratitude. But if our team is bickering and distant, no amount of ministry success offsets the tension and heartache we experience.” This person’s perspective is shared by many people on teams across the country.

Chemistry is one of the most important and elusive traits of a staff team. We know we should value each other’s strengths, but too often, we secretly (or not so secretly) despise people who are different. If we’re extroverts, we shake our heads at those who are quiet and reflective. If we’re analytical, we become impatient with those who enthusiastically buy every new concept or program. If we’re big-picture people, we are annoyed by staff members who insist on dotting every I and crossing every T.

We may have concluded that getting along with certain people is impossible, but the apostle Paul would disagree. If traditionally hostile Jews and Gentiles could “break down the dividing wall” and become one in the body of Christ, our staff teams should be able to find common ground, too. Here are some suggestions to break down walls on your staff team:

  1. Take steps to understand one another. Tools like the Myers-Briggs Personality Indicator can help people understand themselves, but even more importantly, they help us understand and appreciate each other. A higher-level tool I use is the California Psychological Inventory. Unfortunately the tool is only as good as who you have interpreting it. If you want to use it let me know and I will point you in the right direction.
  2. Notice what grates on you, and value the corresponding strength in the other person. Every weakness has a corresponding strength. Learn to see both sides of each person.
  3. Affirm and encourage. Take initiative to speak words that build people up. In the same letter where Paul talked about the gospel breaking down walls, he told us, “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen” (Ephesians 4:29).
  4. Expect transformation. When we extend grace to people, God does amazing things to change lives—even ours.

The chemistry of a staff team means the world to everyone involved, especially those who are watching from outside. Invest both before hiring and after hired in developing good chemistry with your staff. For minimal outlay you can

The Continuing Work in Haiti

June 1, 2010 in Ministry-Theology, Technology-Social Media with 1 Comment

This last February I had the opportunity to travel to Haiti with Adventures in Missions and some really amazing people. You can read some of the posts that I wrote about that experience here. I was hoping to get back to Haiti by this point, but I had to decline a chance to head back there this last week…but some great people did get to go, and I want you to get a glimpse of what they have been up to.

I received this note from Mark Oestreicher:

we’re launching the church to church partnership program. it’s an opportunity for american churches to have a 1:1 partnership with a haitian church for prayer, encouragement, assistance and trips (to bring people to haiti to help in rebuilding). we have about 1000 haitian pastors in a database now, and will be working to pair up those who show a great desire to serve their communities. part of this effort (and what would be wonderful if you could mention) is that we’re trying to raise $35,000 to fund the salaries of 3 haitian church leaders who will run this program from the haitian side (bringing oversight, administration, communication and accountability).

Here are some links to see what they are up to/and what they have been up to and how you can help out.

The Giving Project
Facebook Group
Twitter Feed

Leaders Are Only As “Successful” As Their Level of Differentiation

May 26, 2010 in Marriage-Family, Ministry-Theology, Therapy-Psychology with 4 Comments

One of the topics that has been of great interest to me as of late is the idea of self-differentiation (differentiation of self). It has great interest to me in interpersonal relationships, and it has been really intriguing to me in terms of church leadership. There are lots of ways to talk about differentiation, but ultimately it is one’s ability to “stand on one’s own two feet”, rather than be emotionally fused, or enmeshed with others (i.e. relationships, families, congregations, church staffs, etc.).

We are all susceptible to being fused with others, but pastoral leadership can have the inherent danger where pastors often get their sense-of-self from others (i.e. congregants, staff, etc.). rather than being differentiated. Pastors receive much validation from activities such as sermons, late night visits, crisis intervention, counseling, etc., and if one isn’t careful, they can soon find themselves dependent upon these activities, and the affirmation they receive from them. How many pastors have preached a sermon, and at the end of the sermon they receive lots of praise, but they spend all day thinking about that one person who was critical of it?

I’m a pastor’s kid, and I have worked in the church for the last 15 years as well, so this is a topic that I am beginning to look more seriously at. Unfortunately, it wasn’t until I began my work as a therapist that I have begun to see more clearly the toxic situation that is set up in many church leadership structures.

A Failure of Nerve: Leadership in the Age of the Quick Fix by Edwin Friedman is a book that I think all pastors and ministry leaders should read. He talks extensively about differentiation in leaders and I found this one excerpt particularly insightful:

I wrote above that one outstanding characteristic with families that endure and perhaps even grow from crisis is the presence of a well-differentiated leader. Now I want to add that the factor which is almost always present in relationship systems that are deeply disturbed, if not disintegrating, is a conflict of will.

For example, one will find in almost every family experiencing the severest emotional symptoms (such as suicide, schizophrenia, psychosis, anorexia, abuse) and sometimes the most debilitating physical symptoms (such as multiple sclerosis, coronary conditions, persistent gastrointestinal problems, even cancer) a deep, abiding conflict of will within the family–sometimes blatantly contentious and sometimes subtly masked by charm or passive obstinacy. Similarly, such conflict is always present in the failure of teachers, counselors, clergy, and consultants to make headway against the riptide of resistance that run counter to their intent. It goes without saying that when continued efforts by CEO’s, managers, and administrators are producing little or no progress, they are probably swimming against a tide.

How, then, does one go with the flow and still take the lead? Answer: by positioning oneself in such a way that the natural forces of emotional life carry one in the right direction. They key to that positioning is the leader’s own self-differentiation, by which I mean his or her capacity to be a non-anxious presence, a challenging presence, a well-defined presence, and a paradoxical presence. Differentiation is not about being coercive, manipulative, reactive, pursuing or invasive, but being rooted in the leader’s own sense of self rather than focused on that of his or her followers. It is in no way autocratic, narcissistic, or selfish, even though it may be perceived that way by those who are not taking responsibility for their own being. Self-differentiation is not ‘selfish.’  Furthermore, the power inherent in a leader’s presence does not reside in physical or economic strength but in the nature of his or her own being, so that even when leaders are entitled to great power by dint of their office, it is ultimately the nature of their presence that is the source of their real strength. Leaders function as the immune systems of the institutions they lead–not because they ward off enemies, but because they supply the ingredients for the system’s integrity.

Much of what I have said about leadership can be summarized in the following chart:

POORLY DIFFERENTIATED LEADERSHIP

  • focuses on pathology
  • is obsessed with technique
  • works with symptomatic people
  • betters the condition
  • seeks symptomatic relief
  • is concerned to give insight
  • is stuck on treadmill of trying harder
  • diagnoses others
  • is quick to quit difficult situations
  • is made anxious by reactivity
  • has a reductionist perspective
  • sees problems as the cause of anxiety
  • adapts toward the weak
  • focuses empathically on helpless victims
  • is more likely to create dependent relationships

WELL DIFFERENTIATED LEADERSHIP

  • focuses on strength
  • is concerned for one’s own growth
  • works with motivated people
  • matures the system
  • seeks enduring change
  • is concerned to define self (take stands)
  • is fed up with the treadmill
  • looks at one’s own stuckness
  • is challenged by difficult situations
  • recognizes that reactivity and sabotage are evidence of one’s effectiveness
  • has a universal perspective
  • sees problems as the focus of preexisting anxiety
  • adapts toward strength
  • has a challenging attitude that encourages responsibility
  • is more likely to create intimate relationships

….Leadership that is rooted in a sense of presence can also be misconstrued as a justification for passivity–for avoiding getting your feet wet, for just being, ‘nice so everyone will love or respect you.’  It can also lead to mistaken notions that data and method are unimportant, that the bottom line does not matter, or that outcome is irrelevant and the approach, therefore, impractical.  Leadership through self-differentiation is not easy; learning techniques and imbibing data are far easier.  Nor is striving or achieving success as a leader without pain: there is the pain in isolation, the pain of loneliness, the pain of personal attacks, the pain of losing friends.  That’s what leadership is all about. (pp. 230-233)

Overlooking People in Ministry (for number’s sake)

April 19, 2010 in Ministry-Theology, Therapy-Psychology with 11 Comments

Unfortunately, one of the ministry lessons that has been drilled into my head over the years is that numbers matter. Specifically large numbers.

I was rarely asked by my supervisors how an event went, or what stories I could tell about the ministry. It always seemed to be about metrics…things that can be measured in numbers. And I get the need for metrics in ministry, (accountability, direction, etc.), but when did that dictate everything we do?

Usually the question was, “How many people showed up?”

Though I don’t believe numbers to be a great marker of life transformation, it’s hard to move beyond intellectually knowing that. So I would find myself questioning things that didn’t attract a significant number of people.

Fast forward…

Now that I’m a practicing therapist I never get questions about numbers.

First, therapy isn’t measured by numbers, but by change.

Second, there is the assumption in therapy that one person can change and have great affect on an entire system. One partner in a marriage can transform the marriage. One kid in a family can transform the family.

I’m being taught the transforming value of one person upon a system.

I wonder what ministry would look like if we approached the people we serve in the same way? That one person can transform a ministry. One person can transform a city. One person can transform the world.

Instead, I think too often in ministry we are taught the value of numbers at the cost of missing out on opportunities to minister to and disciple that one person.

Some Simple, Easy Steps, For You To Partner With a Haitian Church

March 9, 2010 in Ministry-Theology with 0 Comments

Haiti was, and more importantly, IS, a life-transforming experience for me. I’ve been back for a couple of weeks now and trying my best to figure out how I can best be involved. I was scheduled to be back in Haiti this week as well, but for various reasons I could not make it and that trip has been rescheduled. I hope to be back in Haiti soon, but there is plenty of work I can do from where I’m currently living…and so can you.

Lots of people have been asking me about Haiti and how they can get involved. There are lots of great organizations that are serving over there, and I’m super excited to see what AIM is working on. They are the organization that I went over there with, and I fully trust and support the work that they are about.

There vision is bold. And it’s big. And they are rolling it out in some simple, easy to access ways for you to get involved.

Seth Barnes, who is the executive director for AIM posted on his blog over the weekend, Please pray for a church in Haiti. In it, Seth lays out some very simple steps:

Please look at this video below and consider joining with us. It’s not complicated and doesn’t require much. We want to make it easy for you to try it out. Here’s what you do:

  1. Put your name and relevant info in the comment section below or email me at this link to sign up.
  2. We’ll send you the name of a pastor and some info about his church and community. They may write back.
  3. You don’t have to do anything more than pray initially. Ask God, “How shall I respond over the next 3 weeks?”
  4. Let us know what he says and how you’re responding and we’ll communicate that to the pastor in Haiti.

An AIM rep will call or email you after a month. If you’d like to continue the relationship, we’ll talk about where it can go after that.

That’s it! All you need to simply do is inquire, hear about a church and its needs, and pray about a potential partnership.

Look for more details as they come at AIM’s website and continue to check Seth’s blog.

The Necessity of Ascent and Descent in the Male Spiritual Life (Pay Attention Spiritual Leaders!)

January 13, 2010 in Ministry-Theology, Therapy-Psychology with 5 Comments


[image by iwona kellie]

I’ve recently been reading a really phenomenal book by Richard Rohr and Joseph Martos, The Wild Man’s Journey: Reflections on Male Spirituality. One of the things that I have continually be thinking about is the distinction the authors make between ascent (which is common in the early stages of a man’s life and dangerous in the later stages), and descent (which is required in the later stages of a man’s life). We live in a culture where ascent is favored and applauded, and descent is looked down upon with disdain often seen as weakness. When this desire for ascent seeps into our church culture (and it has), we fail to live the counterculture message of descent offered to us through scripture. I fear that we too often live in a Christian culture of egos and desires to attain (large crowds, fame, wealth, etc.), rather than in a culture that strives to walk humbly (in order that Christ may be raised up) and lay down it’s life for others.

Because I think this is such an important topic, especially for male leadership within the Church and in society, I’m going to quote at great length from the book.

They write:

The language of the first half of the male life-journey is the language of ascent, the earnest and necessary idealism that characterizes all healthy young men. It is a heroic language of winning, succeeding, triumphing over ego and obstacles. Without such vision and effort, men remain cowering in a small and selfish world. No wonder that they set out to be ‘wounded’ — either intentionally or unintentionally, either wisely or foolishly. No wonder that almost all primal cultures see the need for male initiation rites, mentors and elders. Someone has to oversee the first-stage journey and also teach them that it is only the first stage. Talk about wisdom! We suffer today a lack of knowledge of both initiation and transition to maturity. Without these, we will continue to have more ‘religion,’ without spirituality or real transformation of person. I have no doubt this is the basis of disillusionment with Western institutional religion. People no longer trust new belief systems that merely surround old egos.

The language of the ascent becomes dangerous in the second half of a man’s life. It becomes disguised egocentricity, climbing at all costs, misusing power, using ideology and principles to avoid relationship–what Saint Paul calls law instead of Spirit in his Letter to the Galatians. Continue Reading…

“Introverts in the Church” — Interview with Adam S. McHugh/Part 2

December 17, 2009 in Ministry-Theology, Technology-Social Media, Therapy-Psychology with 5 Comments

Adam McHughOn Tuesday I posted the first part of my interview with Adam McHugh (“Introverts in the Church” — Interview with Adam S. McHugh/Part 1), whom you can find blogging and writing here. As I’ve already said about a million times already, his new book, Introverts in the Church: Finding Our Place in an Extroverted Culture is a great book. It’s not too late to pick it up for Christmas…for the introverts and extroverts in your life. Everyone needs to read it. And I will go as far to say that if you are in ministry, it would be a shame if you didn’t read it–I think you would be missing out on a piece of the puzzle when it comes to how you serve, minister, understand and raise up other leaders.

Here is part 2:

R: What are the 2-3 most important things that can introverts teach us?

A: I’m glad you asked this question, because too often it seems that introversion is viewed as a liability, rather than a gift. I know I’ve been guilty of defining introversion in terms of what I’m not rather than what I am. Here are the two most important things I think introverts bring to the church: 1. The value of listening and 2. The need to slow down.

People in our culture so rarely have the experience of being truly listened to, of being given the space to express what’s on their hearts. Too often we speak over one another, interrupt one another, compete for space to speak. Because introverts process internally, and consider what they say before they speak, they can be incredible listeners. We offer a non-judgmental presence that helps others open up to us. Now, there’s more to listening than just not speaking, and it’s a discipline to be cultivated (my next book is about listening!), but introverts have a good start in becoming excellent listeners, communicating deep love for others through listening. I think listening is a tremendous asset in evangelism, which I talk about in chapter 8. Second, introverts often lead a slower, quieter, more contemplative lifestyle and we help people in our fast-paced culture slow down. We bring a calming presence to people and to our churches. Modern-day evangelicalism tends to be so full, so busy, so hurried and weighed down by agendas, and I say in the book that introverts are part of the antidote to what ails evangelical culture.

R: Let me throw out a couple of technologies that are being used in the Church and let me just get your response in regard to introverts. What would introverts think of twittering in the church? How about online church?

A: I knew you were going to ask me this! I’ll say first that, as an introvert, I am grateful for social media like Facebook and Twitter. It has helped me make connections, and deepen relationships, with people that I just don’t have the energy for in face-to-face situations. I’m often much better in writing than I am in person. But I do think there are inherent dangers in online communication, especially when it becomes a substitute for in-person relationships, and I worry when introverts spend far more time online than they do with people. Again, I address these issues in the book.

Twitter in church seems to be becoming the 21st century version of note-taking, but I actually think it’s an extroverted form of processing. Since it’s not acceptable to talk during a sermon, tweeting is a way that extroverts can think “aloud.” As a preacher, I can’t say I’m wild about the idea of people tweeting while I’m preaching. It seems like people in our technologically driven culture are in so many places at once, and perhaps worship should be one time a week that we seek to bring all of ourselves into unity– heart, mind, soul, body, and typing fingers.

As far as online church, I’m ambivalent. For people in countries where Christianity is banned, and for those people who simply will not cross the threshold of a church, then it’s a great thing. But, no matter how introverted you are, we all need embodied relationships and if we can’t find them in the body of Christ, then I’m not sure where we can find them. Second, people who are uncomfortable being in church are usually not resisting church attendance because of introversion but because of shyness, experiences of rejection, and other wounds. If we have been wounded by people and churches, then it seems to me that full healing will actually come when we find those people and churches, who communicate, in full, embodied form, the gentleness, compassion, and love of Jesus. I’m really grateful that the Son of God didn’t just get on a web-cam in heaven but actually incarnated into full human form and walked and lived among us. Online church may be an excellent step for many of those people, but my hope is that it is only a step.

R: What do you think is the most important takeaway for ministry for pastors who read this book? What will pastors learn from this book that will equip them better as a leader?

I devote two chapters in the book trying to demonstrate how pastors and other Christian leaders don’t have to keep masquerading as extroverts and can actually lead as introverts. That’s the main takeaway: lead as yourselves!! In chapter 6 I draw from biblical models of leadership, which center around character not personality, as well as models of leadership from the corporate and non-profit worlds which emphasize servant leadership, humility, reflection, and introspection. In chapter 7, the longest chapter, I go into ministry practicals for introverted leaders and discuss partnering with extroverts, following the model of Jesus in investing in “the few,” preaching as an introvert, and tailoring our jobs and schedules to suit our introverted rhythms and strengths.

R: I think you do a great job of dispelling the myth that those who retreated to the desert or to solitude were doing so to escape. Instead you seem to say that when we seek solitude we are better able to move forward into action because of the contemplation/solitude. Is that an accurate statement?

Henri Nouwen said that compassion is the fruit of solitude. When we go deep into ourselves and invite God to show us as we truly are, we find true identity. We find the good things about ourselves, our gifts, and also the ugly things – the jealousy, the fear, the anger, the desire to objectify and control others – but if we open ourselves to God’s grace in those ugly places, we can find deep compassion both for ourselves and for others. That compassion propels us to action and to works of mercy and justice. Before Jesus began his public ministry, he spent 40 days in the wilderness with only the word of God to sustain him. Throughout the history of the church, great leaders and highly influential people like St. Anthony, St. Patrick, Martin Luther, and countless others have found the impetus to love and to lead in solitude.

Page 1 of 1712345»10...Last »