Tag Archive - boundaries

Differentiation as Boundaries

April 29, 2009 in Marriage-Family with 1 Comment

71a5bc5nhcl_sl500_aa240_Well known psychologist David Schnarch has a wonderful book called the Passionate Marriage: Keeping Love and Intimacy Alive in Committed Relationships.

When Schnarch speaks about boundaries he speaks about differentiation.

What is differentiation? In short, according to Schnarch:

Differentiation is a natural process in committed relationships that involves developing more of a self while growing closer to your partner. Men often sacrifice their relationship to hold onto their sense of self. Women often sacrifice their sense of self to stabilize their relationship. Differentiation is about having it both ways: having a stronger sense of self and a stronger relationship. (An Interview with Dr. David Schnarch)

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Schnarch will often say that differentiation is knowing where one begins, and one ends. Or the balance between one’s desire for belonging/relationship, and the desire for freedom/independence.

I like how he says it in the Passionate Marriage,

People screaming, ‘I got to be me!’ ‘Don’t fence me in!’ and ‘I need space!’ are not highly differentiated. Just the opposite. They are fearful of ‘disappearing’ in a relationship and do thing to avoid their partner’s emotional engulfment. Some create distance; others keep their relationship in constant upheaval. Declaring your boundaries is an important early step in the differentiation process, but it’s done in the context of staying in relationship (that is, close proximity and restricted space). This is quite different from poorly differentiated people who attempt to always ‘keep the door open’ and who bolt as increasing importance of the relationship makes them feel like they’re being locked up. The process of holding onto your sense of self in an intense emotional relationship is what develops differentiation (Passionate Marriage, pp. 67).

Is the concept of differentation new to you?

Do you find yourself struggling between belonging and independence in your relationships?

Speaking of Boundaries…

April 24, 2009 in Marriage-Family, Technology-Social Media with 0 Comments

2970528440_59959bf982_m[image by Simon Doggett]

I thought this was an interesting piece out of USA Today, especially when I’m beginning a series of blog posts on the issue of boundaries in a variety of contexts. Read The Popularity of Twitter has Some Relationships in a Twist, and tell me what you think.

Here is a choice quote from the article to get you started:

For some highly connected people, especially young adults who have grown up with cellphones, their superficial online connections increasingly are their only connections.

“We reply to someone we don’t know on Facebook, and we won’t even look at the cashier at the grocery because we’re too busy typing text messages on our phones,” Gordhamer says. “Thich Nhat Hanh, the Vietnamese Zen poet, says the most valuable gift you can give someone is your attention. The danger with this new technology is you can become less available to your children, friends and partners in your real-life world.”

What Are Boundaries?

April 23, 2009 in Marriage-Family, Technology-Social Media with 0 Comments

823004299_42b6abf953
[image by The Wandering Angel]

Boundaries. It’s a topic that comes up quite a bit, and it comes up in a variety of contexts. The context I most often hear it in regards to relationships. Boundaries is a subject that I talk with many people about, and it’s a subject that we are all continually striving to understand better.

More recently I have heard the topic in the context of marital relationships, and what are healthy and unhealthy boundaries? And what is a boundary? It’s become an increasingly more popular topic as the idea of boundaries doesn’t just concern the relationships we are involved in, in the physical space, but the ones that we are involved in online as well.

Over the next few weeks I’m going to be posting some entries on the topic of boundaries from a variety of different authors, talking about a variety of different contexts.

41ze1dmlyvl_bo2204203200_pisitb-sticker-arrow-clicktopright35-76_aa240_sh20_ou01_But today, I want to begin with an excerpt from perhaps one of the most well known, cited and popular books out there on this topic. Boundaries: When to Say YES, When to Say NO, To Take Control of Your Life was first published in 1992 by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend. Continue Reading…

NO TV: 36 Days and Counting

April 1, 2009 in Marriage-Family, Technology-Social Media with 16 Comments

brokentv18My wife and I have been talking for months about whether or not we should get rid of our TV. And it’s a slow process. It first began by reducing from two DVR’s to one. Then it continued with cutting all of our cable but the bare minimum/basics so we can keep the one DVR to record the shows we like. Then my wife said, “Let’s give up TV for Lent.” And I immediately agreed.

This is not a big deal for a lot of you. Many of you don’t have TV’s, or you watch the bare minimum anyways. But for some of you, it would be a big deal. And it was a big deal for us, but an easy decision.

Here are some reasons…

  1. We found ourselves coming home and immediately turning the TV on, even if we weren’t watching it.  That was scary.
  2. We noticed our 20mos old daughter always asking to watch her shows (Dora, Signing Time, etc.)
  3. We felt like we were in a big transition in life and needed the quiet to pray, hear God’s voice and discern wisely.
  4. We had lots to do that wasn’t getting done.
  5. We felt exhausted all the time and watching TV seem to perpetuate that.
  6. Lots of people we admire don’t own, or watch TV (The Saddington’s, The Steward’s, my cousins, my brother and sister-inlaw, etc.).  We kept looking around and noticed that there was a correlation between those who didn’t have a TV, or watched it very limited, and the effectiveness of how they spent their time, their success, as well as the joy they seemed to have.
  7. It’s hard to really maintain a healthy level of relational connectivity and intimacy in our marriage if the TV is always on.
  8. We wanted to read more (our Bibles, as well as just our novels, theology, therapy texts, etc.).
  9. We wanted to set a better example for each other, especially our daughter.
  10. This is the testing ground to help us determine if we should cut cable completely and possibly get rid of our TV, or at least put it away.

And 36 Days In….

Continue Reading…

How Do You Say No To Good Things?

November 18, 2008 in Ministry-Theology with 7 Comments

I came across this Tweet from Anne Jackson today, and it resonated with me a lot.

Learning to say no to good things. It’s always hard, but it’s necessary. I’ve been losing focus lately.

I know we all have lots of good things on our plate.

We have lots of great opportunities to get involved in lots of good things.

I think that the online world has not only opened the door for us to get involved in lots of good causes, but it has created a certain angst (how can I not get involved with so many good opportunities) that leaves us confused with whether or not to say no to all these opportunities.

So How Do You Know When To Say No To Good Things
Here are just 10 suggestions, or rather avenues and elements that help us think through the process.

  1. Prayer
  2. Small Group/Community Discernment
  3. Gifting/Skills
  4. Time
  5. Benefits
  6. Goals/Objectives/Focus
  7. Calling/Career Path
  8. Relationships (Family, spouse, kids, etc.)
  9. Self Care/Health
  10. Passion

How I Am Trying To Say No
Most often I don’t, which is a major flaw of mine that I’m working on.  There are lots of criteria that are a part of my thought process, but here are a few of mine.

  1. Time with Family.  This is my single most important criteria. If what I take on, takes away from time with my family, then I say no.  If I really want to do it, then I need to find something else to say no to that allows me to do it without taking more time away from my family.  I see more and more people sacrifice family life, marriages, time with children because they simply have too much on their plate, don’t have proper boundaries, or just can’t say no.


  2. Passion.  I have to be pretty passionate about something these days to say yes to it.  If I’m not passionate, and don’t see me being able to put the time, energy and effort into it that is required, then I usually will say no.


  3. Self Care. If we do not take care of ourselves, then we can not adequately do the things we have to do.  If my body is run down all the time, and if I don’t exercise, or eat right, or get enough rest, then other things begin to suffer.


  4. Spiritual Discernment.  I think we would all like to say that discernment from the Holy Spirit is what helps us make the right decisions…and I think that is true.  But that’s what makes saying no to good things so hard…so tricky.  We wrestle with whether or not the opportunity is of God for us to pursue, or of God for us to say no to. Calling and vocation all get wrapped up in this part.

I’m curious. How do you say no to good things? What good thing(s) have you recently said no to? What was your thought process?

Searching for Intimacy Online and with Social Media Tools

November 3, 2008 in Ministry-Theology with 9 Comments

Looking to Connect
It is no surprise to any of us that people are looking online to connect with others, and that in the process a certain level of intimate needs are met. Whether it’s a chat group, dating service, blog or class reunion site, people are finding connection.

The questions for you…the question for me…the question for us is: Are we getting our needs for intimacy online, rather than in the relationships that we are a part of (i.e. family, spouse, friends, etc.)? Do we spend more time feeding the relationships we are a part of in person, or the ones online?

I have the tendency to ramble (can be a gift, but often a curse), so let me break it down very simply.

When our need for intimacy and connection are not being met in our relationships, we often turn towards the place (most often another person; addiction; work, etc.) where we can connect, find intimacy. Ultimately, we not only want intimacy (and when I talk about intimacy, I am not speaking just sexually, but in general), but we want to feel valued for who we are, what we have to say, and what we have to offer. If then, the relationships we are in do not provide a place where we feel safe, valued, affirmed, loved….where we don’t connect and have a level of intimacy….WELL, then we often turn to other things.

Instant Affirmation
That’s what makes the internet, online communities and social media tools so powerful and addicting. Unlike the reality of a face to face relationship, online communities can often provide instant affirmation, and access to connection, and a certain level of intimacy that sometimes is harder to achieve when you are dealing with another person, in the flesh. Online we can be anyone we want to be…we can present ourselves in any shape, size or manner. It is easy to be liked, and if someone doesn’t like us, or affirm us, well then we can just remove them from our community or shut down communication. That is much more difficult to do in person.

What I’m trying to communicate is much more complex than what I can, or am wanting to achieve in this post. But I do want you…I do want me…I do want us to be more AWARE of this issue.

Let me give you a prime example. Let’s say you are a blogger (and most of us are) and you have developed an online following that is pretty affirming. They like what you write, they leave comments, your traffic is a boost to your ego. Well, because of that affirmation you turn to that channel to find that connection. And if you aren’t careful, you stop paying as much attention to your relationships (family, spouse, children, friends, etc.). You have this online community that is affirming and an instant connection…so when family life isn’t as quick to affirm or provide connection, it becomes an easy shift to start paying more attention to the online world.

The danger in all this is that it’s really a bind. People often seek affirmation from the online world life when their home/work life isn’t so great. And other times, just spending so much time online without any boundaries can lead to neglect of our in person relationships. And when they get difficult, it’s just easier to stay online.

Be Aware
As someone who is engaged in the world of social media, therapy and ministry I would just say for you to be aware…to take stock, assess a few things.  Ask some questions.

  • How much time am I spending online a day?  What does my time online take away from?
  • What kind of social activities or relationships am I getting involved in?  Something as innocent as searching for, befriending and communicating with old friends online may be an attempt to fill some need for connection you aren’t getting at home.
  • Are your in person relationships being neglected in favor of your online ones?
  • Are you getting your needs met for connection, affirmation, love, acceptance, intimacy, etc. online?
  • If you and your spouse/significant other aren’t connecting, are you taking the time to talk to each other about it, or do you withdraw and seek it somewhere else..in this case online?
  • At the end of the week (outside of your required online time needed for your job), when you tally up your time online in your freetime vs. the time you spend with your family, spouse, children, etc….which ends up being more?  Why do you think that is?
  • Does your online life affirming you in ways that you aren’t getting from your in person relationships?  Or has your time online taken you away from developing and working on those relationships in person, therefore they aren’t as fulfilling as the ones online?
  • Do you belong to an accountability group that not only keeps you accountable for other parts of your life, but your online life as well.


Resources
I want to just suggest and point out a couple of resources.  Some of these are more aimed towards the sexual intimacy that many seek for online, but I suggest them to you to just point out the larger issue…and that is this:  That our online behavior affects our relationships, and sometimes online community is easier than our in person relationships, just reinforcing our desire for quick affirmation that we seek online.  And now, many professional and lay communities are really starting to acknowledge how our technological lives impact not only us, but those we are in relationship with.

Just check out the current issue of the AAMFT Journal of Marital and Family Therapy. By browsing a list of some of the articles you can see the growing concern of how our online worlds, technological lives are impacting our relationships.

Cybersex and the E-teen: What Marriage and Family Therapists Should Know

Technology, Relationships, and Problems: A Research Synthesis

Emotional and Sexual Infidelity Offline and in Cyberspace
Cybersex: The Impact of a Contemporary Problem on the Practices of Marriage and Family Therapists

Therapists’ Assessment and Treatment of Internet Infidelity Cases
Assisting A Concerned Person to Motivate Someone Experiencing Cybersex Into Treatment : Application of Invitational Intervention: The ARISE Model to Cybersex

Also, check out the book, In the Shadows of the Net: Breaking Free from Complusive Online Sexual Behavior.

Plug….United Nerd LifeGroup
This is just one place where I’m learning a lot about the balance between living online, yet setting healthy boundaries in my online space, especially in regards to my family, relationships, work, etc. Join us tomorrow night for a great conversation at Tony Steward leads us in the below discussion.

When: 9:00–10:00PM Central Time

Where: http://www.ustream.tv/channel/tonystewards-show

Topic: We are heading into week 4 of our 6 week study on getting UnPlugged as we are all online and into technology. This week we are going to be talking about having healthy intimacy in our lives and relationships. There is nothing like the distraction of technology and information overload to kill our opportunities for intimacy.

Join the Facebook Group, United Nerd LifeGroup

Identity–>Boundaries–>Self Care

September 18, 2008 in Uncategorized with 3 Comments

I’ve had a lot on my mind recently, and during that time I’ve been pretty convicted about several issues that I see interrelated.

It originally arose because of my dismay at the real lack of boundaries in ministry and what affect that has on those caught up in that boundary-less zone.

Boundaries can mean many things and cross many areas of our lives from the physical, the emotional, the psychological and the spiritual. In the area of psychology the lack of boundaries can often lead to a lack of differentiation between people, or the total opposite, enmeshment.

And what I have discovered in some of my teaching and training is that boundaries are connected to many things.

For example:

  • I see boundaries connected to our identity.  How we see ourselves, or how we believe God sees us affect what kind of boundaries we set in our lives.


  • Our boundaries determine how we are then caring for ourselves.


  • And when we don’t care for ourselves, well, we often lack boundaries, and something is wrong at the root of our identity.


So you see, these things are interrelated and it’s important that we think and discuss them.

Over the next couple of weeks I want to explore these themes, and would also like your input and help.

  1. I want to discuss these things (identity, boundaries, self care) in the context of ministry.  I am finding that those of us involved in ministry are often the worst at setting healthy boundaries, caring for ourselves, and often more confused about who we are.


  2. I want to discuss these things (identity, boundaries, self care) in the context of technology. Mainly social media.  I think that those of us who are online a lot often don’t set proper boundaries, not caring for ourselves and those around us, and ultimately our identity is confused as we live in a state of flux between our online lives and those we live in person with our friends and families.



What do you think?  Does this make sense?  Am I way off target here, or do you see these things as issues as well?

What kind of boundaries do you see violated in ministry? What kind of boundaries do you see violated in regards to technology/social media?
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