Tag Archive - boundaries

Youth Ministry, Boundaries, and Burnout — Part 3: Have a Schedule

September 29, 2010 in Ministry-Theology, Therapy-Psychology with 1 Comment

This is the third post in five part series on Youth Ministry, Boundaries, and Burnout. Be sure to check out the previous posts, Youth Ministry as a Stepping Stone (Fail), and Looking at the Population You Serve.

One of the great benefits of ministry in general, but especially youth ministry…can also be it’s greatest downfall, and risk to whether or not you set healthy boundaries and are able to survive the awesome and chaotic world of youth ministry without burning out.

One word — SCHEDULE!

In most churches that I know, youth ministers have all the freedom in the world to create, minister, and live by their own schedules. Except for some set things (i.e. staff meetings, services, etc.) they can create their own schedule. That is truly one of the great things about working in that world…and I can honestly say, it’s not truly appreciated…not even closely appreciated, until you have a job that doesn’t allow you that freedom. Trust me, I know from experience.

But this freedom to create one’s schedule in youth ministry also puts the youth worker at the greatest risk for burnout and unhealthy boundaries as well. WHY? Because if one is not careful, their ministry, life and schedule is soon dictated by everyone else…and will often be dictated by the slightest whim or impulse. And remember, we are already working in an environment, and with a population who hasn’t really really figured out yet how to set healthy boundaries, and who most likely doesn’t care if you are on the path to major flame out…until of course you are gone because you no longer can function.

Why is having a schedule important in youth ministry?

Because without a schedule you soon let really important things slip by. It doesn’t happen all at once, but is rather a slow slide away from essential things that are needed in your life and role as a youth worker.

You soon don’t make time for solitude and silence. Listening to God takes a back seat and the still, silent voice becomes muffled.

You soon don’t make time for a Sabbath. You work seven days a week, making justifications like “well, I take off a couple of half days here and there, or go in to work late.”

You soon don’t make time for pray. God soon seems distant and you feel disconnected.

You soon don’t make time for study and preparation. The teaching time is thrown together the day of or the hour before.

You soon don’t make time for students. The pastoral care that was once important to you slides away.

You soon don’t make time for your important relationships away from ministry. Your friends, spouse or children begin to feel like you are always working, always on call, or willing to drop their needs to meet the needs of the students you minister to.

And on and on and on…until one day you feel like you barely have the energy or motivation to serve in the ministry that once brought you so much life.

It won’t happen over night, but slow, subtle loss of your schedule, just makes it easier to justify some unhealthy boundary the next time…it may take months, it may take years..but it will happen if you aren’t careful.

If you don’t schedule things that are important to you, it won’t become long before you won’t have the time to do them at all.

What can you do?

  1. Sit down with a blank piece of paper and write down the most important things that you want to accomplish.  For you youth ministry work, your family life, friendships, personal life (goals, hobbies, etc.)  Just list them out


  2. Sit down with your youth ministry calendar and look at your work requirements (i.e. staff meetings, retreats, services, campus visits, pastoral care, preparation, pray, etc, etc.).


  3. Sit down with a blank calendar and begin to insert your work responsibilities and the additional things that are important to you.  Like a puzzle, see how they can fit, or not fit together in a schedule.


  4. Be thoughtful of things that can help reduce the risk of burnout and add them as well.  Things like exercise, rest, Sabbath, time with friends, etc.  Don’t forget to put those in there.


  5. Play around with the schedule.  See what maybe isn’t working.  Maybe you discover some things aren’t necessary, and other things are.  Maybe you realize that you are doing way too much and need to cut back on some things.  Maybe you realize you aren’t doing enough, and need more structure to your schedule.


  6. Continue to come to this exercise every few days and make adjustments. Like a budget that sometimes takes months to refine so it becomes a healthy working budget, this will take some time.  Don’t get frustrated.


  7. Include others in this process.  Co-workers, spouses, friends, etc.  They can often see our blind spots and give us good feedback.

Ultimately we often have to schedule things that are important to us.  Like prayer, exercise, and other habits that require discipline, so does living by a schedule.

Of course our schedule should never be so rigid that we can’t make exceptions and do what we need to do to be in the moment and be with others or meet their needs.  But trust me…no schedule means that you will rarely say no to things, and that you will eventually let go of the things that are important to you, and that will bring forth the life you need to minister long term in a healthy youth ministry.

Let me close with perhaps my favorite story about scheduling.  One of my favorite authors is Eugene Peterson (if you haven’t read him, or you don’t regularly return to his work–you are missing out…big time). In his book Under the Unpredictable Plant: An Exploration in Vocational Holiness, he says this:

“But here I was [like Jonah] on a religious ship on which God was peripheral to the bottom line, in the background of an enterprise that was mostly informed by psychology, sociology, and management-by-objective… Then, I found Fyodor Dostoyevsky… I took my appointments calendar and wrote in two-hour meetings with ‘FD’ three afternoons a week. Over the next seven months I read through the entire corpus, some of it twice. From three to five o’ clock on Tuesday, Thursday, and Friday I met with FD in my study and had leisurely conversations through Crime and Punishment, Letters from the Underworld, The Idiot, A Raw Youth, The Devils, and The Brothers Karamazov. I spent those afternoons with a man from whom God and passion were integral–and integrated. All winter long, through the spring, and a month or two into the summer, I hid away in my study reading Penguin paperbacks… And then the crisis was over. Thanks to Dostoyevsky, God and passion would never again be at risk, at least vocationally.”

I love that. We must make time for things that are important to us. Making time each week to read a novel; to spend in silence; to prepare for a talk; to spend in conversation with a friend; to care for a student — those aren’t moments just in and of themselves, but you are intentionally setting aside time that will have a greater and lasting impact on your ministry and longevity in it, then you can possibly imagine at the time.

Youth Ministry, Boundaries, and Burnout — Part 2: Looking at the Population You Serve

September 27, 2010 in Ministry-Theology, Therapy-Psychology with 4 Comments

This is the second in my series on Youth Ministry, Boundaries and Burnout, a topic which has become very important to me over the last couple of years.  In the last post I looked at how seeing youth ministry as a stepping stone to “move up” in the church world can create an environment of unhealthy boundaries and an inability to say no.

Today I want to talk about the population we serve in youth ministry — primarily those from middle school thru high school.

The reality that we often fail to take into consideration when serving this ministry population is that we are working with people who have most likely failed to set healthy boundaries in their own life — let alone know and understand what a healthy boundary is.  Left to themselves they would stay up all night, eat whatever they want, play video games all day, all the while wondering why you (their adult youth worker) shouldn’t be joining in all the fun as well.

Why is knowing this important?

Because one of the norms of adolescence is to test boundaries, and if you are unable to keep your own boundaries you will soon be giving into and playing by the same rules as the youth that you minister to.

What Can You Do?

  1. Know that your boundaries will be tested.  Being aware of this is an important step.  Just expect it to happen.


  2. Set healthy boundaries with your youth.  You do this by setting clear expectations of your role and relationship with them.  You talk about when you are and will be available.  When you will not be available.  What days you take off and are Sabbath days.  You talk about what days you set aside to spend time with your family (if you have one) or other important relationships in your life.  You talk about the difference between an emergency and a non-emergency.  In short, you are communicating to them clear, healthy expectations, therefore beginning to the lay the foundation for healthy relational boundaries between them and you.


  3. Don’t place your self-worth and identity in the kids you serve and in your role as a youth pastor.  Too many youth pastor’s identity is wrapped up in this role, therefore, their identity is dictated by their need to be wanted and affirmed by the youth.  This is a crazy place to be — and it’s a roller coaster ride.


  4. Model healthy boundaries to the youth you serve.  They need to know that you have a life.  That you have priorities.  They need to know that on certain nights you are unreachable because you and your wife are on a date.  They need to know that you take days off to rest and re-energize.  Of course there are always emergencies that we need to respond to, but too often we have placed ourselves in the position and have communicated to our students that we are the ONLY ones they need to come to if something is wrong.  And we often do this because it feeds our self-worth and identity — knowing we are needed and wanted.  So model healthy boundaries to your youth and equip them and your volunteers in ways that keep you from always be the go to person.


  5. Remember that boundary setting is part of the essential tasks for parents and youth workers in helping kids navigate through adolescence and into adulthood.  Kids who don’t have boundaries have a much more difficult time once they leave the home and youth ministry.  Check out Chap Clark’s Disconnected: Parenting Teens in a MySpace World. I think he does a great job of talking about boundary setting in youth.

What am I missing?  What would you add to this list?

Youth Ministry, Boundaries and Burnout — Part 1: Youth Ministry as a Stepping Stone (Fail)

September 24, 2010 in Ministry-Theology, Therapy-Psychology with 9 Comments

On Monday I had the awesome opportunity to hang out with about 100 youth pastors in the Dallas-Ft. Worth area. We were all attending a Youth Specialties luncheon, checking out their upcoming events, hearing about some of their ventures, and just having a good time networking with other youth pastors.

Hanging out with youth pastors is one of my favorite things to do. It’s just a fun, lively bunch of people to hang out with, and I have found over the years, that there is more rich theological thinking and praxis in youth ministry than in most other areas of the church (that’s why it’s a shame when pastors poke fun at youth ministry so much from the pulpit). I’ve never been a full-time youth pastor (i.e. middle school, jr. high, high school), but I’ve volunteered in them for years. I’ve held interim positions, been a college pastor for almost eight years, and I’m currently working part-time in the youth department at Highland Park Presbyterian Church working with families (thanks to my good friend Lars Rood who has given me the opportunity to do some cool stuff in this area).

Youth ministry is a great area of the church to work in.

But one of the things that I have noticed over the years is that we aren’t very good at setting healthy boundaries. Of course, there are a lack of boundaries in other areas and life stages of ministry, but I think youth ministry has it’s own challenges. And the more I work as a full-time marriage and family therapist, I have had more of a burning desire to help those in ministry, especially youth ministry, set healthy boundaries — and if you can establish those boundaries early on in life, they will reward you greatly.

So beginning with today’s post, I’m going to spend the next five posts talking about some specific things that often prevent us from establishing these healthy boundaries, and what you can do about it.

Youth Ministry as a Stepping Stone
I consider it a huge blessing that most of my friends in youth ministry, and those who have had, and continue to have the most impact on me are those who consider themselves youth ministry “lifers” — translation: they love youth ministry…their heart is in youth ministry…they aren’t in youth ministry in order to use it as a stepping stone to positions that are considered more elevated in the Church (i.e. associate pastor, head pastor, etc.) It’s hard to explain, but you can tell the difference between those who don’t see youth ministry as a stepping stone, and those who do. That doesn’t mean of course that you can’t leave that position later — nothing wrong with that — but it’s all about the current mindset of the youth worker.

Here’s then what I often see happening. When we place ourselves in positions where we are always looking to “move up”, we are less likely to set healthy boundaries. Why? Because there is always someone to impress (i.e. head pastor, elder board, etc.). That often translates in to working harder (in an unhealthy way), working more, and creating unhealthy boundaries — all which can eventually lead to burnout.

I recall a time early on in my college ministry career where I was asked at the last minute to do back to back international mission trips with about a two day turn around period. I said I would step in and lead those two trips (trips in which the leaders fell through at the last minute). But my motives were mixed. I wanted to do it to be helpful (and we all have to step in and fill the gap when others need help), but I also wanted to signal to my boss that he could always count on me to step in and be available. And that by doing that, hopefully they would realize I’m a great asset to the church, and they might one day consider me for a more “elevated” position in the church. I’m not saying I consciously thought all of this — and at the time I was super happy with college ministry, and not wanting any other position. But my desire to impress my boss, knowing that this moment may be a memory for him later on if he could count on me was something I thought about. So in order to impress him I sacrificed some relational commitments, school commitments, and it ended up being a real unhealthy time for me in regards to setting boundaries, and feeling burned out.

As I look back at this time I am able to identify it as a situation in which my inability to set clear, healthy boundaries, led me down a path of not being able to establish them for sometime down the road. In fact, it took me another 4-5 years to get to a healthier place, and I continue to work on those boundaries.

If as a youth pastor you are always looking at the next position in the Church, and not planted in the context you are currently serving, then it is that much more easy for you to say yes to things, rather than say no. Being planted in your ministry and not looking on to the next step allows you to have a clearer sense of identity and worth, rather than always looking for it in the next position.

Establish Clear Expectations
One of the things you can do as a youth pastor is to establish early on some clear expectations of your role. This sounds simple enough doesn’t it. But it’s not. I know too many youth ministers who are just so happy to get hired they lend themselves out to be almost a ministry “clean-up” person — always available to do anything that is asked — always willing to say yes — even if it’s not the healthy thing to do. Unfortunately, there are some pastors who know this, and who use their authority and power differential to call upon the youth pastor to pretty much do anything and everything out of their job description.

So if you haven’t established clear expectations yet, it’s never too late. I recommend for a youth pastor at some point (maybe an annual review) to bring forward a discussion of what some clear expectations of what their job description is. You can frame that conversation around self-care, stating that you are wanting to take better care of yourself in order not to burn out, and therefore, better serve, God, the ministry, and the students and families you work with. Establish some clear guidelines/expectations about days off, working overtime, being on call, your ability to serve in other ministries in the Church. Establish the expectation that you too want to be a part of the church as an attendee, and not just a youth pastor who can’t find a place to worship, pray, and be a part of a community as well.

One of the things we have to ask ourselves as youth pastor as well is this: “Am I in this job only as a step to the next church job?” Or “Am I doing this job cause I love it. Because I want to be here and nowhere else?” Knowing your answer to that question is an important step in understand who you are, and what some healthy boundaries in ministry may look like.

Next Steps
Here are some things you could do in the next few weeks/month to begin to establish some healthy boundaries in this area:

  1. Write up a new job description, inserting clear expectations about days off, hours you work, and what areas fall under your responsibility.  Discuss this with your supervisor, and if at all possible, have them help you do these things.


  2. Assemble an accountability groups consisting of some members of the church, and those who have no ties to the church.  Talk with them about your job and expectations, and use them as a barometer in how well you are doing.  Give them permission to step in and say something if you aren’t setting healthy boundaries.


  3. Take some time for self-reflection and determine the reasons for why you are in youth ministry.  Are you happy in youth ministry?  Is that where you feel God wants you?


  4. Practice saying no.  If asked to do something that you feel is a violation of some healthy boundaries…say no.  See what happens.  You have to start somewhere.


  5. If you are in a church setting where youth ministry isn’t valued that much, or where those in pastoral positions see it simply as a stepping stone — then take some time to re-evaluate if that is really the place for you.  How a church views youth ministry and your role, will say a lot in their ability to allow you to set healthy boundaries — or if they will actually be the perpetrator in violating those.

Have you ever found yourself violating healthy boundaries because you wanted to impress a pastor, a parent, an elder board, etc.?

Setting Boundaries With Technology Can Help You Maintain Your Sense of Self and Identity

August 11, 2010 in Marriage-Family, Ministry-Theology, Technology-Social Media, Therapy-Psychology with 4 Comments

Last week I shared with you some of my thoughts from my talk at the ECHO Conference. In the post, Is Your True Sense of Self And Identity At Risk As You Navigate An Online World I explored more in depth some of the technological hindrances to self and identity in an online world…so today I want to discuss some basic boundaries you can set with the technology in your life that can help you better maintain your sense of self.

Boundaries
Boundaries are important in all areas of our lives, and they are often not easy things to put into place. Anytime we put a boundary into place with someone (spouse, friend, family, boss) it is more than likely that we will receive some resistance from them. Boundaries are healthy markers that help us understand where we begin and end in relationship with people and things, and without them, we can slowly lose our sense of self in those people and things who prefer to live without boundaries. Boundaries can keep us from being suffocated, swallowed up, or absorbed by other personalities. They help us maintain our identity.

But boundaries don’t begin and end with people, but can and should be applied to things that we use, such as technological tools. If we don’t, we can be suffocated by them as well.

Boundaries are also hard work. You just don’t place a boundary and then sit back and watch it work. Boundaries take constant vigilance, maintenance and perseverance. So don’t expect to begin these boundaries with the technology in your life and expect miracles. They will take hard, daily work to keep them in place. But I promise, once you maintain them, you will see the results in your life.

Boundary Suggestions
Let me now suggest to you some boundaries that I think are helpful. These are boundaries that I have experimented with myself and continue to use. And they are ones that others have found beneficial in their own lives.

  1. Time Limits: Bottom line…you should have a time limit with the amount of time you spend online on your computer, the amount of time you play with your phone, etc.  If you don’t have time limits in place, you can easily get consumed by the technology.  Placing time limits on technology allows you to be in control, and not the other way around.  If you can’t place time limits, then I would say, you probably have some form of addiction to technology.  There are various tools (web apps) that can help you do this, as well as you have the ability to control time limits from your computer server.  Some people say to me, “I work with computers all day, I can’t be offline?”  My response is usually, “Really?  You can’t ever be offline at all?  If that’s the case, then there are other problems.”  You should still be able to set time limits.

  2. Physical (Basket, Car, Closet, etc.): Find some physical thing such as a basket, your car, or a closet to put all of your technological items in at some point in the day.  The physical place is a reminder to set your stuff aside.  It not only reminds you, but it reminds your family as well.  It also serves as a symbol to you, your family, etc, that they are more important than the technology that so often gets in the way of relationships.  They can look over at the basket and be reminded of a family’s priorities.  You can do this various ways, but what works well for me is that we have a tray that I put my phone and computer and other tech items in every night when I walk in the door.  Those items remain in that tray unless I may need them for some reason, but it has to be a good reason…not just browsing or killing time.  One family I know has everyone put their laptops and phones in their basket every night at 9pm, and no one can access the basket till 8am the next morning.  John Dyer has a good post about this, Why You Need A Technology Basket At Home.

  3. Tech Sabbath (Various Rhythms): I am always reminded that God created the earth in six days and then rested on the seventh day.  There was a rhythm of work and rest in his life, yet we seldom feel the need to model this example, instead working or being plugged in all seven days.  I think that an important boundary people can set in relation to their technology is a sabbath.  One day a week…Five to six days a month…Two to three weeks a year…where you are unplugged.  A sabbath is a reminder to us that our life is not dictated by work or technology, but that it is a life given unto God, rather than the tools we use.  I believe everyone should have at least one day a week where they don’t get online, check email, Twitter, FB, blog, etc, etc.  Most people can do this.  It’s rare that you have to/must check email everyday.  Often the inability to unplug from email one day a week says something more about your inability to create healthy boundaries, than it does about the reality of people not really needing you immediately, and as badly as you think.  Experiment with different rhythms, but setting time aside to be unplugged is not only restorative for you, but a great model to your family.  It reminds them of who is the most important…them, not the technology.

  4. Ask Others (Galatians 5:22-23): My favorite professor in seminary said to our class one day, “If you really want to know if I’m someone who lives out the fruit of the spirit that Paul talks about in Galatians, then ask my family who lives with me everyday…don’t take my word for it.”  We often have a false sense of reality.  I may think that I’m good with establishing boundaries with my technology, but that may not really be the case.  The people who would really know would be my wife, my friends, my children, my co-workers, etc.  Go to your spouse, friend, etc. and ask them, “Give me an honest assessment about my use of technology.  Do I have healthy boundaries?  Am I on my phone too much?  Does my use of technology get in the way of our relationship?”  Don’t take your word for it.  Ask others.

  5. Strive for Face to Face: When at all possible, strive to meet with people face to face.  If you can talk face to face, rather than text…do that.  If you can sit down over coffee, rather than email, then do that.  Anytime we have the opportunity to meet face to face, take the opportunity.  You can read about my attempts in 2009 to take my online community offline, and in person.

  6. Experiment/Be Creative: You know your life, and your use of technology better than me.  So be creative and experiment with some different boundaries you can establish.

The better able we are to establish healthy boundaries with our technology, the better able we are to be ourselves, and maintain our identities in a world that is asking us to surrender it to all the latest technology.

What are some boundaries you have established with your technology?  What area are you struggling in the most when it comes to setting healthy boundaries with your technology?

Boundaries, Boundaries, Boundaries…Boundaries

June 11, 2010 in Therapy-Psychology with 1 Comment


“Without truth there can be no intimacy, because without truth you wind up sharing lies or delusions. Without intimacy there can be no relationship. When two partners share their true selves, protecting self and others by the correct practice of boundaries, the miracle of spirituality is present.” (The Intimacy Factor, pp. xvi)

Those words are from Pia Mellody, renowned clinician in the area of codependency and boundaries in relationships, childhood trauma, and many, many other things. I had the chance to see her speak last week and was so blown away by her three hour presentation, Coming into Balance: Addressing Issues of Value, Power and Abundance….that I still can’t stop thinking about it.

If you are looking for a wonderful book to read, I recommend, The Intimacy Factor: The Ground Rules for Overcoming the Obstacles to Truth, Respect, and Lasting Love

“Without boundaries, there is no relationship. Without relationship there is no intimacy. Without intimacy there is no love, and without love the spiritual path is hidden from us.

Boundaries create the experience of truth and respect in which love can grow. We recognize that our inherent worth cannot be taken away from us by the display of our authentic selves. We are human and only that. We are born with inherent worth and it coexists with all our human flaws. (The Intimacy Factor, pp. 118)

Accidental Discovery: Technology Can Sometimes Be Like Junk Food

April 5, 2010 in Technology-Social Media with 13 Comments


[image by sass_face]


Let me start this post with an example.  I’m the type of person who if I’m going to try and be disciplined about not eating junk food, then it’s much better I tell my wife if we just don’t buy and have junk food in the house, rather than me trying to monitor my intake on sheer discipline.  My failure rate increases exponentially when I know the junk food is accessible.

Sometimes it’s just better if something isn’t around.

That’s how I feel about technology sometimes.  When I lived in Guatemala for 3 months I didn’t have a phone/nor make a phone call in three months.  I didn’t watch TV.  I did send out a weekly email from a cybercafe.  Having limited access and forced boundaries helped me to experience life differently and experience freedom from technological bondage at that period in my life. It’s probably no surprise then that I see that period in my life as one of the most fruitful for me.  I really felt free to be alone with my thoughts, and to explore God’s direction for my life and vocation.  There were few distractions.

So why am I pondering this stuff right now?

Well, my Blackberry Pearl’s operating system finally died last Wednesday, giving me a JUM Error 102 that mockingly glared back at me from my screen.  My phone no longer worked and I felt my world slowly falling apart (okay, I’m being dramatic–but people feel this way when they forget their phone at home accidentally), but what was I going to do?  I couldn’t Twitter from my phone.  What if I needed to make that emergency phone call to my wife somewhere between the 6 miles from my work to our home?  Was I going to survive?  I took my phone immediately to the ATT store and decided that I would just use an old phone that I used to have for my private practice, rather than get a new phone.

Lest you think I’m being disciplined and brave, I actually have an upgrade on a new phone and I’m going to wait for the release of the new iPhone sometime this summer.  So my motives aren’t all pure.

But something happened over the last 5 days.  My trusty Pantech Slate phone and I didn’t really miss my Blackberry. And since I didn’t push any of my emails to my phone, we didn’t miss all the email distractions all day either.  And since I don’t find my new temporary phone that great online, I didn’t log onto Twitter of Facebook or any of the other online distractions that I used to use to keep me company.

I simply used my phone for phone calls and texts.  And wow, let me tell you, the noise was greatly reduced in my life.  And I discovered several things.

  1. I was definitely more present with family and friends.  I wasn’t looking at my phone as each email message came through.  Because there were none.
  2. I felt more focused at work and at home.  I was able to see tasks through, rather than being distracted all the time.
  3. I was able to reflect more thoughtfully on my life, and engage life more in depth.
  4. I found that people didn’t need me as much as I had assumed they did.  No one was out there saying, “Dang, I wish Rhett was tweeting more today.  We really miss him on Twitter.  What a loss for us!”
  5. I found that I had trained the distractions in my life.  They existed because I had allowed for them and created an environment for them. I trained people to expect an email message from me within like 5 minutes of sending it.  Crazy.
  6. I found I was as satisfied checking into Twitter, FB and email about two times a day.

We are all going to have excuses of why this isn’t realistic (my boss expects me to check email every minute–really, he/she does?), or why this is good for me, and not you.

And as I stated early on, I still want the new iPhone coming out this summer.  But if I go that route, I know that I’m going to have to take more drastic measures to reduce the noise in my life, so I can increase the connection with people.  The real, I’m here with you…present with you connection.  Not the we are Twitter and FB friends connection.

Because, honestly–I don’t trust myself with all the technological distractions around.  I need more strict boundaries.

Maybe I don’t push email to my phone anymore?  I don’t know.

I just know that a lot of technology is like junk food.  It feels good at the moment, but at the end of the day I don’t feel great and I slowly find myself more out of shape physically, spiritually, emotionally, etc.

You Are Texting Who? A Conversation You Need to Have With Your Spouse

March 22, 2010 in Marriage-Family, Technology-Social Media, Therapy-Psychology with 11 Comments


[image by globevisions]


One of the things that seems to be a common trend among couples I work with in therapy is that there is an assumption about the relational boundaries that each of them will/are keeping. There is an assumption, but rarely something they have ever actually discussed.

I think they are rarely discussed because: 1) there is a fear that when discussed they will realize they aren’t on the same page, therefore leading to conflict. 2) since they assume they are on the same page, they feel no need to talk about them.

So here are some examples of common assumptions.

We assume that our partner will never cheat on us…but we don’t talk about some healthy relational boundaries to help us from being in vulnerable positions.

We assume our partner won’t go to an intimate lunch alone with someone of the opposite sex…but we don’t actually talk about that boundary.

We assume our partner won’t be texting people of the opposite sex late into the night about personal things..but we don’t talk about that boundary.

We assume that our partner won’t befriend their ex on Facebook and strike up a renewed friendship…but we don’t talk about that boundary.

Etc. Etc. Etc. Fill in your own assumption here.

I give these examples because they are some of the most common ones I come across.

Though there are several areas of boundaries I mentioned, one of the reasons that I mention text messaging is because it is constantly being cited by partners as a source of marital conflict. And with the privacy of cell phones, and the ease of texting, couples are able to hide things from each other, or avoid any type of accountability.

So what are you waiting for? Start having some conversations with your partner about what you assume are relational boundaries you both share, but you have never ever talked about. And I promise you that it will be both eye opening and helpful in you relationship growth.

Lest you think I don’t practice what I preach, just last week I sat down with my wife over coffee and initiated a conversation about the women that I send text messages to on occasion, what is said, and the purpose of the text. Did I feel that my texts were out of line? No. Does my wife trust me? Yes. But I realized that maybe I had some assumptions about those boundaries around texting. I wanted to make sure we talked them over. That we both had the same boundaries. That there wasn’t/isn’t any inappropriateness, etc. That she was comfortable with who I was texting and why. And that simple conversation led to one great conversation after another, and to some great relational connecting time between us.

Boundaries vary for everyone. Some people would say you should “never” (with some exceptions) text someone of the opposite sex when married. Others disagree. But if you haven’t talked about it, how do you know where you both stand on that issue in your relationship?

If you are afraid to have these conversations with your partner, then I would say that’s all the more reason to have them. What are you hiding?

Chad and Sarah Markley Interview #3: Moving Forward

March 5, 2010 in Marriage-Family, Ministry-Theology, Therapy-Psychology with 1 Comment

I really appreciate Chad and Sarah opening up so much of their life with us this week. One of the reasons that I wanted to interview them was because I think that their story is, and can be so helpful to many other couples out there — and on so many levels.

And if you aren’t already reading their blogs, you definitely should be.

The final interview (3/3) is below, and you can catch up on the previous two in the links below.

You can read Part 1: here
You can read Part 2: here

This is Part 3 of 3

Sarah, I know you are working on a book and I was wondering if you could share how that process is going?

Sarah: I’m about 50 percent finished with my rough draft. I’m still actively seeking representation and a publisher. When it’s done it will be a creative retelling of my story focusing on redemption and hope but also explaining the factors that led me to the place I ended up.

You seem like you are a very creative family (writing, music, technology, etc.), and I was wondering what creative things you like to do together as a family?

Sarah: We try to give our kids as many experiences as possible without overwhelming them. I’m not talking Disneyland every day, but we do love to go to the science museum or the nature center and try to travel as much as we can as a family. Our girls love to draw and do crafts at the kitchen table. Chad often plays the guitar for them in the evenings and the three of them like to make up songs together. Our girls are involved in sports, dance and horseback riding. They know I’m writing a book and that I write daily on my blog.

Thirteen years in, what do you think is the best thing about marriage?

Sarah: Hands down: being married to my best friend is the best thing about marriage. And the fact that we each know most of each other’s faults and strengths is so comforting too. He knows all the bad things I’ve done and I know the same about him. Somehow we still love one another deeply.

Chad:For me it is shared experience. I love having someone to share the important moments with, both good and bad.

You mention that the two of you saw a counselor, so I’m naturally curious about the role that played in your recovery, if any?

Sarah: We went to see a Christian marriage and family counselor the week after my confession. She came highly recommended by a friend of our pastor’s and we met with her weekly for 6 months. At that time she moved to a different state and transferred us to another counselor in the same practice. We met with her weekly for another six months as well. Both counselors met different needs in us. The first one, besides helping us address the immediate problems, addressed Chad’s ADD and referred him to a psychiatrist so he could seek medication. The second therapist helped us to develop better methods of communication and walked us through some difficult times that occurred later in that same year.

Chad: Counseling was KEY!! People are crazy to think their pastor can understand every single crazy thing they are going through. It was important to me that the counselor was well trained and credentialed in their field AND was a Christ follower. We were able to find both of these at Center for Individual and Family Therapy.

How much information, if any, have you shared with your children?

Sarah: Our daughters are almost 4 and almost 8. We haven’t shared much with them. I plan on sharing some (limited) information with my oldest daughter in the near future. We agree that sooner is better than later when it comes to things like this, as long as it is age appropriate.

What are your hopes for the couples that you share your story with? What do you hope they walk away with?

Sarah:I would hope that they can see that no sin is too big for God’s grace, that God’s love is able to heal in mighty ways (even a heart which has been wounded as deeply as my husband’s) and that it is very possible to “come back” from something like this. Nothing in God’s kingdom is wasted and even something as horrible as what I did and what we went through, God has been using time and time again for His glory.

Do the two of you have any dreams and hopes for sharing your story with others? Speaking to churches, couples, etc.?

Sarah: I hesitate to use the word “dream”. “Hope” is a better word for what we would like to see happen, I think. We spoke together for the first time a couple months ago and when we did we felt right in the middle of our gifting. We worked well together with great chemistry and I think it was very effective. We hope to speak more in that manner. I also will be speaking by myself in the near future.

As a couple, what are you two really passionate about? What shared interests do you have that you really feel connected when you do together?

Sarah: As funny as this sounds, we love to talk about theology, social networking or technology. We are sort of geeks when you get us by ourselves. We have a shared love for people, our kids and our families. We’ll try anything new and we love love love to travel together. Go to a new city, explore the restaurants, walking routes and museums. Our favorite cities are London, Washington, D.C., Paris and Monterey, California. And before we had kids, we used to exercise together (gasp). Now we have to do that alone while the other sleeps in with the kids.

We’re passionate about real living and genuine Christ-following. We have a desire to see people talk about their stories with authenticity and to follow hard after Christ with true motivations behind what they do. We don’t like to “do church” for the sake of “doing church”. Worship, community, learning about God’s word and getting closer to Him — we desire to see people live this out in their lives between Sundays.

Chad: I echo what Sarah lists above but I need to also include my love of worship and music. I LOVE bringing people into worship ANYWHERE and ANYTIME I can get the opportunity.

How have your relationships with God changed as a result of the affair and the healing that has taken place?

Sarah: I often wonder if I was a true Christ-follower before my confession six years ago. I don’t know. There were times in my life that I sincerely wanted to do the right things and please God, but for the most part, my relationship with God before was lifeless and not based on a true love for Him. When I decided to give up the affair and focus on my marriage, my spirit, my heart and my soul was broken. I wanted to be different and the only way to do that was to follow Christ with my whole life. I read through the Bible in one year and I could feel and see the spiritual gifting that I’d suppressed begin to emerge again. I fell in love with Christ and I wanted to do everything possible to live righteously. Finally my Christianity was “real.”

Chad: I have a more realistic expectation of people now. I realize EVERYONE fails and no one is above falling into horrible sin. I also have come to the place where I realize it isn’t too late for anyone to come back to Christ. I think I see people more with His eyes now versus my own.

Chad and Sarah Markley Interview #2: In Process

March 3, 2010 in Marriage-Family, Ministry-Theology, Therapy-Psychology with 0 Comments

To read part 1 of my interview with Sarah and Chad Markley, read here.

In the interview today, I really wanted to focus on some of the questions that arose for me as I read Sarah’s blog posts about their story. It was in these blog entries that I really got a sense of a person–of a couple in process. So, much of the interview today was focused on getting a better sense of some of the things–some of the processes, boundaries and reasons behind much of her writing.

This is Part 2 of 3

Sarah, in your post Stifling, you talk about you being a controlling wife and Chad as being distance…or moving away from you as you became controlling. How do you now deal with the control issues?

Sarah: With grace. It’s part of my personality to be guarded, protective and thus a little controlling. I’m guarded with my time, energy and affection so when I wasn’t following Christ that transferred over into me being a demanding, selfish and controlling wife. After my confession we decided to “try out” living (as husband and wife) the way God intended: the husband lovingly leading and the wife graciously allowing him. I began to give up control. That has been one of the most freeing things I’ve ever done.

You make the comment in Cliches “No one wakes up one day and decides to commit adultery. I don’t know what other people have told you, but something like this takes a hundred million tiny poorly-made decisions layered on top of one another. Never excuses, but certainly reasons.” Do you think couples are often naïve of the small, tiny, daily choices they make, perhaps because they are so focused on trying to stay clear of making the big, wrong choice? Do you recommend how spouses can stay accountable in their day to day choices?

Sarah: I think that most couples will say that it could never happen to them. And only sometimes do I see couples who intentionally try to remain pure in the little things: glances, fantasy thoughts, discipline in keeping things alive between them and their spouse. So, yes, in a way I think that many couples are unaware of how little things can build up to really bad things. Even things like letting a self-serving attitude creep into a heart can make one “ready” to have an affair. With me, my heart became ripe for an affair because of pride and selfishness. How do we remain accountable? We are honest with each other, ourselves and with God. We are also both in strong, godly, same-gendered accountability relationships too in which the others have access to our spiritual lives, our hearts and motivations. A simple way to find out if an action or a thought is “unsafe” is to ask both your spouse and God if what you are doing is honoring to both your spouse and to the Lord. If you are scared to bring it up or talk about it, or if you deem it dishonoring, then the action or thought is probably a wrong choice. And you must be honest.

I loved the vivid imagery of a leaky colander, as you try to hold everything together in Dripping. What do you do now when you notice you are trying to hold everything together?

Sarah: Usually I crack emotionally, anger or tears and then I realize (from routine, experience) what I need to do to get it back together and on the right path both emotionally and spiritually. Sometimes I take a quick break by myself, sometimes I simply just tell Chad that I need a few minutes to be alone, and sometimes I need to spend time in specific prayer about it. But overall, it seems like God has brought me to a place where, even though I do get “off balance” once in awhile, I’ve been able to learn how to regain my balance and moderation.

Crash was so powerful, and while I was reading it, I kept trying to imagine what that would be like to be in that position. Sarah, how did you make it through that night? Chad, I was just thinking of how scary a night that was for you. Not only because of the news you were told, but of the possible reality you faced of having to raise your young girl alone, etc. What were you feeling, and how did you hold it together?

Sarah: Chad told me to go to my parent’s house to tell them what I did. I went, I confessed to them too and they lovingly welcomed me in. They were, of course, grieved, disappointed and hurt but they were able to love me even through their own pain. I was a mess, but somehow I made it through the night. Early on I was able to be very sorrowful about my sin and I felt immediately motivated to do whatever I needed to to make it right with God, Chad and the others I had hurt.

Chad: That night I wasn’t thinking so much about the future as I was feeling the hurt of betrayal and feeling like an idiot because I hadn’t seen what was going on the last 3+ years. I am not the biggest planner in the world so I don’t often think too far ahead. I was just dealing with the “now” of the situation, not so much the future.

Chad, I was really amazed by your almost immediate willingness to forgive Sarah. Sarah mentions that you didn’t want to, but you felt compelled to because of all that Christ had forgiven you of. Even though you forgave her that night was there a longer process that took place, or did it feel instant to you?

It was both instant and a process. I think it’s similar to salvation and the process of sanctification that follows. The big push is instant, salvation, we are changed in that moment. When I forgave Sarah it was legit and from the deepest core of my person. In that instant our relationship was changed. The actual living out of that choice, sanctification, takes time to process, take root and grow. It took about 6 months for the ache in the middle of the night to fully go away.

Sarah, in your final post Foundation you write, “I was done with my old self. I removed phone numbers from my phone, took pages out of my address book and deleted emails and voicemail messages. I began to try to erase all that had gone before. And God softened the hard places of my heart and brought me close.” I’m curious about this process, and what you now think of the ease with which people can connect and reconnect with people and past relationships online. Do you have certain boundaries online that the two of you hold to?

Sarah: Online: we know each other’s passwords to everything. Even though we don’t snoop, he is privy to all of my phone numbers, my text messages, my emails. I keep nothing from him. And the same with him.

The whole Facebook thing is interesting. Of course, that became very popular years after I had my affair, so during that time it was not a concern. But now, we are just careful to not friend ex-boyfriends or girlfriends and not to be overly friendly or conversational with members of the opposite sex.

The process of trying to “erase” the past was difficult and long. I did know one thing for certain: that I wanted nothing to do with my old life. So I began to try to get rid of the physical reminders (and temptations) that surrounded that old lifestyle. I never made another phone call or sent another email to the man I had the affair with.

The whole memory thing was the most difficult, however. I prayed for God to erase memories from my mind. I promised that I would share with Chad any detail he needed to know. And for a while he asked. But after some time passed, if he asked questions about the past it only served to bring up bad memories I was trying to forget. After time he stopped asking because there was no need for any more details. I have forgotten a great deal of the detailed memories (on purpose) but I still have some memory of that time. I think just enough to remind me how far I’d walked away from God and from my husband.

If you could give any piece of advice to married couples who are going through difficult times, what would it be?

Sarah: I think that couples need to count the cost of their relationship. Marriage will never be easy and will always require intentional work. If both people are willing to do whatever it takes to stay together for the endurance race then it will pay off in increasing love, intimacy and selflessness.

Chad: I agree with Sarah 100%! It all comes down to what you are willing to “pay” for the marriage. We see the price Christ places on us when we look at what the Cross cost Him.

Stay Tuned for Part 3…

Chad and Sarah Markley Interview #1: Their Story

March 2, 2010 in Marriage-Family, Ministry-Theology, Therapy-Psychology with 6 Comments

There are people online that I have never met in person, but that I feel like I know them. And those people I one day look forward to meeting in person. Just two of those people are Chad and Sarah Markley.

I randomly came across Chad online one day because we were following each other on Twitter and we shared some mutual friends that I have actually met in person (one of those being Rich Kirkpatrick). And then separately, I came across Sarah’s writing because of a tweet by Anne Jackson mentioning her. I’ve been a fan of Sarah’s blog ever since. In fact, my wife and I have often talked about Sarah’s writings, and things we have learned about marriage and relationships from them.

One of the things that has drawn me to Chad and Sarah Markley is their story–and not only their story–but their authenticity and vulnerability in which it is told. Sarah sums it up in these three short sentences on her blog:

I cheated on my husband nine years ago. I was lost and without hope. But God rescued me, my husband forgave me, and I am living a new life.

It’s an amazing story full of pain, sadness, forgiveness, hope and redemption. A story of two remarkable people that were held together and strengthened by a loving God.

It is because of their story that I wanted to interview them. It’s a story that I hear over and over again in my work as a marriage and family therapist and pastor. And in talking with them, I hope that their story can enlighten your own, and possibly help bring about hope and healing where it is needed. As well as helping couples read the warning signs in their own marriage.

This is Part 1 of 3.

How did you come to the decision that you wanted your story to be more visible and available for others to read and hear about?

Sarah: I knew that I’d be sharing my story eventually by writing a book and initially I thought I owed it to my blog readers to share with them first what God had done in my life before I become ultra-public by trying to get a book published. I had no idea that this story would attract so many new readers to my blog and reach out to a generation of women (and men) who have been hurt by infidelity.

Now we, as a couple, feel as if it is a calling to share our story with others

What were some of the lack of boundaries in your own marriage? Have you changed any boundaries in that setting? Can you give us any examples?

Sarah: We used to meet members of the opposite sex for lunch or at the gym. In fact, we used to do things alone with opposite gendered friends all the time: long phone conversations and emails. We didn’t really see anything wrong with it because we used each other for our measures of morality. If what I was doing wasn’t bothering my husband than it was okay for me to do. I wasn’t using God to determine if what I was doing was right or wrong. Our boundaries have changed immensely since my confession 6 years ago. (Sarah has written more on this topic here).

Chad: We make it a point to remind each other we are the others “number one”, especially in public. I need Sarah to know she is my only girl, but I also need others to understand she is my “number one” and vice versa.

What are some early warning signs of an emotional affair that you think many people overlook?

Sarah: Simply giving away too much of yourself. Sharing intimate thoughts, dreams or concerns in the name of “friendship” with someone of the opposite sex who is not your spouse is treading on dangerous ground. When you find yourself thinking about someone else, watching for them, dressing for them, finding excuses to talk to them – those are also bad signs.

Chad: I agree with Sarah. Things begin to get sideways when we get tired of working through things with our spouse and begin to look for “easier” outlets for our emotional, and eventually, and physical needs

What role, if any, do you think pornography played in your decision to have an affair?

Sarah: Pornography created an unattainable and unrealistic view of sex in my mind. I began to desire things that were outside of the realm of what intimacy in marriage should be. It became something that I needed (whether actually viewing it or thinking about it) to become aroused. So when I found myself in an inappropriate emotional relationship with another man, the sexual aspect of it just seemed less “sinful” because I was already fantasizing regularly in my mind.

Chad: I pulled Porn into our marriage to try and “liven” it up. It had been part of my personal sexual journey since 2nd grade and had poisoned my view and expectation of sex to a significant degree. When I introduced it into our marriage I subsequently brought that same level of unrealistic expectation into the marriage bed. The outcome was tragic and I believe was instrumental in opening doors that may have never been opened otherwise.

Stay tuned for Part 2…
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