Tag Archive - adolescents

Blog Focus 2011: Pastors, Marriages, & Adolescent to Young Adult Transition


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Since December of 2004 I have posted 1,298 times. There were periods where I posted 30 plus times a month, sometimes posting a couple of times a day. Some months I only posted a few times. And I have covered a variety of topics: focusing early on on ministry and theological issues, while more recently I have focused on issues related to relationships and technology.

One thing that has become more clear to me though this last year is that I want to be more focused on some very specific areas, and I want to plumb the depths more than I have been. I figure that God has created me with a certain variety of gifts, and that my work as a therapist and pastor, as well as my graduate training in marriage and family therapy, as well as theology, have equipped me to speak into certain areas of life.

For a long time I have found myself wanting to be like other bloggers that I admire, but ultimately we have to write out of what we know, experience, and who God has created us to be. It is only when we do that that I think we really enjoy blogging/writing, and then it is also possible to have the longevity to sustain not only the writing, but the passion over a long period of time. I think that’s one of the reasons I have blogged for the last six years…because I continue to find things that interest me and move on from them when they no longer do.

And now I have come to a new phase of life personally, relationally, and vocationally…and I want to focus my writing more on those things that interest me…and that I think can benefit others.

So my goal for 2011 is to focus on these three areas, and that whenever I write on an issue, it will funnel itself into one of these categories.

Pastoral Counseling/Pastoral Identity
I was raised in the home of a pastor. I have been a part of church community my entire life. I have been pastoring for the last 13 years vocationally, and more years “unvocationally” (probably not a word). In a sense, it is in my blood. The life and identity of a pastor is something that very much intrigues me, and now that I am a therapist and work with pastors, I am more and more convinced that this is an area that I must focus on. Pastors carry out unique functions in community and Church, and with those functions come demands and expectations that can create all kinds of havoc on their identities, marriages, relationships, etc. And I’m concerned at the number of pastors who recommend counseling to others, but rarely feel that they need it themselves. So I hope to explore issues related to being a pastor this coming year, covering topics such as marriage, family, power, identity, etc.

Marriage
I know, there are lots of people who write on marriage, but it’s something I have a passion for as most of my therapy work is with couples, and I continue to do more research in that area. It’s very powerful to be part of a process that helps couple’s in their marriage, and I want to share some of those things with you during this next year. As I talk about marriage I will cover topics such as sex, attachment, kids, vocation, spirituality, etc.

Adolescence to Young Adult Transition
I have always been fascinated with the transitions that take place in life, but especially during this stage of life. Different theorists will have different ages listed for this transition, but I’m primarily interested in somewhere between the ages of 16-36, and the major shifts in identity that take place during this time period. It is a very important stage in life, in that how one navigates the tasks during this time can set forth the trajectory for how they move through life itself. I will focus on topics such as identity making, vocation, relationships, anxiety, etc.

I know I have written a lot about technology these last couple of years, and it will continue to play a role, but only in as much as it makes sense to talk about in these areas of focus.

I’m not putting out a schedule of how often I post, but look for me to post more frequently this new year than I have this last year. But when I do post, I want to make sure I’m not just writing to write…just to post something…but that I’m writing something that has something worthwhile to be said.

If you have any ideas, thoughts, or input for any of these areas of focus, please let me know. I would love to hear from you.

Youth Ministry, Boundaries, and Burnout — Part 2: Looking at the Population You Serve

This is the second in my series on Youth Ministry, Boundaries and Burnout, a topic which has become very important to me over the last couple of years.  In the last post I looked at how seeing youth ministry as a stepping stone to “move up” in the church world can create an environment of unhealthy boundaries and an inability to say no.

Today I want to talk about the population we serve in youth ministry — primarily those from middle school thru high school.

The reality that we often fail to take into consideration when serving this ministry population is that we are working with people who have most likely failed to set healthy boundaries in their own life — let alone know and understand what a healthy boundary is.  Left to themselves they would stay up all night, eat whatever they want, play video games all day, all the while wondering why you (their adult youth worker) shouldn’t be joining in all the fun as well.

Why is knowing this important?

Because one of the norms of adolescence is to test boundaries, and if you are unable to keep your own boundaries you will soon be giving into and playing by the same rules as the youth that you minister to.

What Can You Do?

  1. Know that your boundaries will be tested.  Being aware of this is an important step.  Just expect it to happen.

  2. Set healthy boundaries with your youth.  You do this by setting clear expectations of your role and relationship with them.  You talk about when you are and will be available.  When you will not be available.  What days you take off and are Sabbath days.  You talk about what days you set aside to spend time with your family (if you have one) or other important relationships in your life.  You talk about the difference between an emergency and a non-emergency.  In short, you are communicating to them clear, healthy expectations, therefore beginning to the lay the foundation for healthy relational boundaries between them and you.

  3. Don’t place your self-worth and identity in the kids you serve and in your role as a youth pastor.  Too many youth pastor’s identity is wrapped up in this role, therefore, their identity is dictated by their need to be wanted and affirmed by the youth.  This is a crazy place to be — and it’s a roller coaster ride.

  4. Model healthy boundaries to the youth you serve.  They need to know that you have a life.  That you have priorities.  They need to know that on certain nights you are unreachable because you and your wife are on a date.  They need to know that you take days off to rest and re-energize.  Of course there are always emergencies that we need to respond to, but too often we have placed ourselves in the position and have communicated to our students that we are the ONLY ones they need to come to if something is wrong.  And we often do this because it feeds our self-worth and identity — knowing we are needed and wanted.  So model healthy boundaries to your youth and equip them and your volunteers in ways that keep you from always be the go to person.

  5. Remember that boundary setting is part of the essential tasks for parents and youth workers in helping kids navigate through adolescence and into adulthood.  Kids who don’t have boundaries have a much more difficult time once they leave the home and youth ministry.  Check out Chap Clark’s Disconnected: Parenting Teens in a MySpace World. I think he does a great job of talking about boundary setting in youth.

What am I missing?  What would you add to this list?

Are You Doing Enough to Educate Adolescents on Technology and Pornography?

“There is a Tsunami coming. We are a hundred years from understanding what we are dealing with regarding the influence and impact of cybersex on mankind.”

Those are the words of Dr. Patrick Carnes, one of the foremost experts on addiction and recovery issues, especially when it comes to pornography and the influence of technology in aiding that particular addiction. The latest issue of Family Therapy Magazine (January/February 2010) is dedicated to the issue of sexual compulsivity, and is filled with great articles on this topic.

That particular quote is from the article The Tsunami: Adolescents, Technology, and Pornography.

The article goes on to say….

“Technology also possesses the capacity to numb out and desensitize youth from their natural progression as they idle away valuable moments for social, relational, spiritual, physical, mental and neurological development…Teen pornography and technology use is affecting their values, socializing, sexuality and courtship patters.” (pp. 19)

Adolescents. Technology. Pornography.

The perfect storm according to many psychologists, addiction experts and theorists who are on the leading edge when it comes to studying this issue and working with the people who suffer from such an addiction.

I love technology. I love my Facebook. My Twitter. My blog. Etc. Lots of things to love. But I have to also be sober minded enough to know that technology is not neutral. It has a transforming affect on my life. Some of those transformations are good. Some are not. So I have to be careful about how I use technology. I have to be careful about the boundaries I set around it.

If you work with adolescents…Or are parent or mentor to adolescents…Are you being sober minded enough on this issue? What are you doing to educate them about their use of technology and about issues of sexuality and pornography?

I’ve recently been doing a lot of speaking on this topic, both for the National Coalition (Dallas office), as well as for some local churches and youth groups. This Saturday, John Dyer and I will be teaching a breakout session at the Men of Valor Conference. Our breakout will be held twice and will cover the following topic:

Staying Safe in a Digital World—Room C26 (upstairs) Morning & Afternoon Sessions
Speakers: Rhett Smith, MDiv, MSMFT, LMFT-A, Marriage & Family Therapist, Hope Works
John Dyer, Th.M., Director of Web Development, Dallas Theological Seminary

Description: Today’s technology can bring both blessings and curses. In this session, John and Rhett will talk theology, psychology, philosophy and practicality as it relates to technology and its effect on Men. You will gain greater understanding of how technology traps can be avoided as well as used for greater good. John and Rhett are both bloggers who use technology in creative ways to advance God’s truths.

When Kids Hurt Conference…And It’s Free!

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Here is an amazing opportunity that our church, HPPC, along with some other churches are putting on for people this weekend in Dallas. I hope to see you there.

“For youth pastors, volunteer leaders, and parents, When Kids Hurt challenges caring adults to help self-protective teenagers who are struggling to make the transition to adulthood in the midst of fractured families, an increasingly competitive and fast-paced society, and ambiguous moral guidelines.

When Kids Hurt challenges and empowers adults to understand kids and move toward them in ways that can help them grow and become the kinds of adults our world needs to survive and thrive. “It is our hope and prayer that When Kids Hurt can help leaders and pastors understand what adolescents are going through and be more loving and helpful in the ways they relate to the young men and women in the world,” say Clark and Rabey.”

Chap Clark “When Kids Hurt Conference”
Saturday, October 3rd, 9:00am-3:30am
Fellowship Bible Church, Dallas, TX

The Conference is Now Free!!!
Due to the overwhelming support of several church ministries in the DFW metroplex the cost of the conference has been completely underwritten.

www.whenkidshurt.com