It marks the two year anniversary of us being debt free.

Two years ago I wrote the post Today We Are Debt Free: $75,000+ Paid Off in 31 Months. In that post I chronicled our journey of wanting to become debt free. It was a journey because my wife and I started fostering a dream of one day becoming debt free so that we would have the money to purchase a house and so she could stay home full-time — a dream she had at the birth of our first child. But ultimately, we believed that not having debt allowed us to live with more freedom (and it has).

It has been quite the  journey for us. As I wrote in that first post, in June of 2008 we found ourselves under water.

• our Pasadena home had just sold for $40,000 less than we had bought it 3 years earlier
• we had $55,000 in graduate student loans
• and we racked up $20,000 in credit card debt months leading up to the move

Needless to say, $115,000 in debt was super overwhelming.

So for one of the first times in our lives, my wife and I decided that we were tired of being limited by our debt.

Debt means limited opportunities.

Debt means limited freedom.

Debt means limited choices.

Debt means stress, worry and fear.

So we became very intentional. 

• First, we used all the savings we had…$40,000 to be exact…and paid off what we owed on the house when we sold it. Now we owed $75,000.
• Second, we moved to Dallas in August of 2008. We rented a house knowing that we didn’t need any more debt. Oh, and I had no full-time job since I resigned my ministry job in LA in June.
• Third, in October of 2008 we sat down at our kitchen table and began working through Dave Ramsey’s workbook The Total Money Makeover as we simultaneously listen to the audio cd’s.

I had been listening to Ramsey on the local Dallas affiliate day in and day out…and I became inspired, especially on Fridays as couples called in to talk about their journey to become debt free and scream “freedom.” Because of their stories my wife and I started believing, “Why can’t we do this!”

How We Intentionally Became Debt Free

In chapter 6 of my book The Anxious Christian I share about some of the things my wife and I started becoming intentional about:

• we stopped eating out (except for a cheap meal every 2-3 weeks)
• we stopped buying clothes
• we drastically cut entertainment (less than 10 movies in 31 months); stopped buying any music
• we cut all magazine subscriptions
• we cut cable
• we didn’t buy any new electronic gadgets (no phones, computers, pads, etc.)
• we stopped going to coffee shops and made our own coffee
• i stopped eating lunch out and took my lunch to work everyday
• we drew names at Christmas and Heather and I limited our gift amount for each other to $25
• we took only one vacation (a free vacation–that unfortunately was paid for using points we racked up with credit card debt)
• we kept driving our 9 and 12 year old cars because they were paid off — and they got us from point A to B

So between October 2008 and March 2010 we paid off $20,000 which we felt pretty good about. Especially since we were living only off Heather’s income since I was making very little money doing my practicum hours as a therapist and some part-time work at a church. Anything I made went to debt, but we were still not very strict with what Heather was making.

But in March of 2010 we saw Dave Ramsey live in Dallas and that was the kick in the pants we needed. We were lacking his “gazelle intensity” that he talks about.

So we came home more motivated, got on a tight budget and started using the cash envelope system that he talks about.

And from March of 2010 to May 19, 2011 we paid off the remaining $55,000.

I won’t lie. This was one of the hardest things we have ever done. But it is also one of the best things we have ever done in our life…and it has absolutely transformed many areas of our life.

It has transformed our marriage. (as you know, money issues are the biggest cause of conflict and divorce in a relationship)

It has transformed our ability to help others.

It has transformed how our kid’s view money.

It has transformed our ability to pursue our passions.

Two Years Later…

I would like to tell you that since we have become debt-free life has gotten easier. Well, it has in MANY ways. But it’s still hard because we have to everyday make intentional choices not to take on debt. I still drive that 12 year old car — now 14 years old. (We were able to buy a new/used car for cash though and replace the other — no auto-fleecing for us as Ramsey calls it).

Though our desire to have many things has incredibly waned, we still want things. We still get caught up in what our friends or neighbors have. That’s to be expected. But we have to keep reminding ourselves of our goals (short and long term) and what the freedom of debt free living brings us.

In May of 2012 we bought a home in McKinney, TX after renting for the first 4 years in Texas. That is the one debt we took on and felt good about since it fits into the parameters of the Ramsey program we were following.

And at the end of June 2012, my wife’s dream came true and she quit her job to stay home full-time. Losing her income (she had always been the “bread winner” in our relationship) had a huge impact on us, but we were ready to make the sacrifices to make it happen since we had no debt.

All of the ways that I listed above for how we got out of debt…we still do.

What keeps us focused I believe is that we continually remind ourselves that there is always a trade off in life. When you say YES to one thing, you automatically say NO to something else.

If we say YES to leasing a new car, bringing back cable, eating out more…then we say NO to my wife having the freedom to stay home.

So saying NO to many things has allowed us to say YES to the freedom of not feeling strapped down by debt; to not feeling stressed at night; to not having to overwork to make ends meet.

Ultimately, saying NO to debt has allowed us to say YES to our passions and freely follow God in the directions we believe he is calling us.

You Can Do It

If you are reading this and you have been on a similar journey as us to get debt free, then I know you know that feeling.

But if you are reading this and are struggling with debt, I want to encourage you. I want you to know that you can do it. You can pay it off and move into the freedom of not worrying about debt, and of constantly worrying about all the wants that incessantly have us chasing after them. If I can recommend two pieces of advice for you it would be this: a) Get on a plan. Something like Dave Ramsey. b) Surround yourself with others who are on the same journey and who have already accomplished it. They will keep you motivated.

If you are debt free, how did you go about doing it? And what does it feel like?

If you are in debt, what is keeping you from moving out of debt?

The post Freedom: Lessons from 2 Years of Being Debt Free appeared first on RHETT SMITH.

And when you come to your current thought you can look back at the preceding thoughts that got you to where you are currently at.

Does that above sentence even make sense?

Yes

Then good.

Because here we go.

Pursuing Our Passion

Yesterday while perusing 99U’s newsletter I came across their article Insights from Brene Brown, Cal Newport, Gretchen Rubin & More at the 2013 99 U Conference.

In the article, they highlight thoughts from the talk of author, computer scientist and professor, Cal Newport. One thought that had me thinking a lot was his comments on pursuing our passions:

Chasing a passion can lead to frustration and unhappiness. American culture is obsessed with the idea that the only way to end up happy is to follow your passion, but this assumes that you have a pre-existing passion to follow. The world is filled with passionate amateur photographers and passionate amateur bakers who end up unhappy and often unsuccessful.

How many times has someone asked you what you are passionate about?

How many times have you been told to pursue your passion?

Seems like a great idea, right?

As I thought about this idea more, I went to Newport’s blog, Study Hacks, where I read a post quoting the comic C.K. Lewis:

There’s people that say: “It’s not fair. You have all that stuff.” I wasn’t born with it. It was a horrible process to get to this. It took me my whole life. If you’re new at this — and by “new at it,” I mean 15 years in, or even 20 — you’re just starting to get traction. Young musicians believe they should be able to throw a band together and be famous, and anything that’s in their way is unfair and evil. What are you, in your 20s, you picked up a guitar? Give it a minute.

Newport in the post follows up Lewis’s quote with with this statement:

Notice his use of the phrase “horrible process” in describing his rise. This is exactly what is wrong with telling people: “If you do what you love, you’ll never work a day in your life” — you’re providing them a flawed description of reality.

Careers you love require a lot of work. Sometimes even “horrible” work.

You can’t escape the necessity of career capital…

So all this talk on following your passions and career capital is an interesting one.

After all, how are we supposed to view our work?

How are we to think about our vocation?

Connecting Passion and Vocation

In the final chapter of my new book, What it Means to be a Man, I explore this idea of vocation:

God worked and cared for His creation as He created life out of darkness. He made man (Hebrew “adam” in His image, forming him from the ground (Hebrew “adamah”) and naming him Adam (an act of sovereign care). Then He commanded him to work and care for the land from which he’d been taken (Gen. 2:15) and to care for His creatures by naming them (Gen. 2:19). In the words used and the commands given, we see a deep connection between our identity as men and our responsibility to imitate God in working and caring….

….it’s worth noting the word “vocation” comes from the Latin word vocatio, meaning “summons.” In other words, our vocation is a summons calling out to us. That means listening to the same person who said to Jesus, “This is my Son, whom I love; with him I am well pleased.” (pp.89-91).

Passion and Limits

Two things then emerge for me when we talk about pursuing our passion and the vocations we enter into.

1. There is a deep connection between our identity and our work. When our identity connects to our work, we are in our vocation…we are pursuing our passion.
2. Acknowledging our limits helps us find our true vocation. Too many people pursue things that they are passionate about, but they don’t acknowledge their limits. Limits, rather than be limiting, can actually create freedom, forcing/moving us towards where our true passion…our true vocation is. I’ve written about this before and I like how Parker Palmer says it:

“Everything in the universe has a nature, which means limits as well as potentials, a truth well known by people who work daily with the things of the world. Making pottery, for example, involves more than telling the clay what to become. The clay presses back on the potter’s hands, telling her what it can and cannot do–and if she fails to listen, the outcome will be both frail and ungainly. Engineering involves more than telling materials what they must do. If the engineer does not honor the nature of the steel or the wood or the stone, his failure will go beyond aesthetics: the bridge or the building will collapse and put human life in peril.

The human self also has a nature, limits as well as potentials. If you seek vocation without understanding the material you are working with, what you build with your life will be ungainly and may well put lives in peril, your own and some of those around you. “Faking it” in the service of high values is no virtue and has nothing to do with vocation. It is an ignorant, sometimes arrogant, attempt to override one’s nature, and it will always fail.

Our deepest calling is to grow into our own authentic selfhood, whether or not it conforms to some image of who we ought to be. As we do so, we will not only find the joy that every human being seeks–we will also find our path of authentic service in the world. True vocation joins self and service, as Frederick Buechner asserts when he defines vocation as ‘the place where your deep gladness meets the world’s deep need.’” (Let Your Life Speak: Listening for the Voice of Vocation by Parker Palmer, pp. 15-16)

Is what you are passionate connect your identity and vocation?

And in your pursuit of your passion, do you readily acknowledge your limits (as well as potentials), using them as a guiding factor in how and what you passionately pursue?

The post Thoughts on the Connection Between Passion, Limits and Vocation…. appeared first on RHETT SMITH.

What do we do when our kid’s fail?

Or more importantly, do we allow our kids to fail, or are we constantly rescuing them from it?

It’s been a tough article to write, especially as I explore a theology of failure and encourage ways that parents can move towards their kids in the midst of failure.

So it was so encouraging this morning to come across this blog post by my friend Emily P. Freeman (aka the brave female who endorsed my new book for men–thank you Emily). In the post one thing your daughter doesn’t need you to say Freeman writes about an experience she recently had on a radio show when a Jr. High School girl called in sharing about the anxiety she experiences between living in the tension of being herself and trying to be a good example for her friends.

After not really knowing how to answer the girl live on the air, and after thinking on it more that day, Freeman writes:

Here’s what I came up with: She isn’t supposed to be an example. Her friends don’t need an example, they need a friend. A real one. An honest one. A touchable one. They need a friend who doesn’t think she’s better than everyone, but one who knows she isn’t. They need a friend who knows she needs Jesus.

So what about being a leader and setting the example? Isn’t that a good thing? Isn’t that what parents and youth leaders tell students all the time?

The more I think about it, the more I believe this well-meaning statement is not only a manipulative way to try to control our daughters’ behavior, but can also be dangerous to their spiritual health. When we tell her to be an example, we may as well just hand her a mask right there – Here. Hide behind this. Don’t let them see you struggle.

I love this.

Emily is right. When we are being our true authentic self…the one whom God created…that’s when our most natural strengths emerge and that is when we are actually being the example we need to be.

Our example is living out of the authentic self that God created.

In my book The Anxious Christian I write on this topic of masks:

The word for mask comes from the ancient Greek word prosopon, meaning “about the eyes,” or literally, “face.” The mask was a tool the actor used to play a part. By putting on the mask, the actor became another person by vanishing into the face of an acting role. We hide because we live in a culture, especially a Christian culture, that tells us something is wrong with us for experiencing anxiety. Therefore, in our shame, we retreat and hide behind masks and costumes that say, “Hey, look at me, I’m successful. I have everything under control. Life is good.” We project this image while underneath we are wrestling with fears, worries and inadequacies. (pp. 34-35)

Most people come into my office for therapy because in some part of their life they are hiding behind masks. Masks in their marriage. Masks at their work. Masks as a parent and friend.

Helping people put down their masks so they can be the person that God knit and knew in their mother’s womb (Psalm 139) is the life we are called to live.

The post Putting Down Our Masks: Living Authentically So Others Can See God in Our Lives appeared first on RHETT SMITH.

I’m sure there are many ways to do this, but I often see the construction crews out there with all kinds of chalk lines and paint, making sure that as they erect the wall it follows down a straight path. Without the chalk or paint to act as guides in the constructing of the wall, it’s quite possible to get to the end and realize that the wall has gradually drifted out of alignment.

In marriage this is often referred to as the marital drift.

Two people get married with all the best intentions in the world, but over time they drift apart. Sometimes it’s abrupt, but often it is subtle and gradual.

The story that is most often told is two people waking up one day after their kids have gone off to college and they look at each other and wonder, “Who are you?”

Marital drift is a very scary and painful thing. It’s heartbreaking to watch couples realize they have drifted apart over time.

And what makes it so heartbreaking is that there were hundreds of different things the couple could have done to keep the drift from happening. Very simple things like date nights, intentional time to connect, self-care, balanced schedules, prayer, etc.

There are several different topics I could get into right now, but I want to focus on one thing that I often see as a major contributing factor to a couple’s marital drift.

This major contributing factor is the amount of kid’s activities.

Kid’s activities are great.

They are great for the kids.

They are great for the couple.

They are great for the family.

It’s fun going to soccer games and piano recitals.

It’s great bonding time to coach a kid’s team or help them prepare for the school play.

But too many activities and events can disconnect a couple and perpetuate the drift.

There are two issues here really — what is a healthy number of activities for a kid.

I happen to be a big believer in the Meg Meeker rule of “one after-school activity per grading period.” I mentioned this at a parenting workshop where several parents were upset that I said this. “What do you know about this topic since your kids are so young…just wait till they get older and start doing everything.”It is true that my kids are younger and the demands on their schedule are less.

But what I also know is that when kids become overly involved in activities, not only is it detrimental to their mental health, but it is detrimental to the marriage.

Which brings me to my second issue, and what I really want couples to know.

When kids become involved in lots of activities a marriage eventually re-orients itself around the activities of the kids. The kids and their activities become the focus and a couple starts to drift.

Couples drift when they no longer have time together to connect. And when they do connect, they usually only talk about their kids, their kids activities, and basically anything kid related or that has to do with the business of running the house.

How many activities should my kids participate in?

I can’t answer that question for you since I am not the parent. But one way to answer that question is to ask yourself, “Do my spouse and I have adequate time each week to spend with one another?” “Is our marriage the focus of the family, or are our kids and their activities the focus?”

If you don’t have adequate time each week to connect with your spouse and your marriage is not the focus of the family, then it might be time to re-prioritize. And re-prioritizing might involve cutting back on kid’s activities.

For many couple’s the drift has happened without them knowing. And sometimes the drift allows a couple to avoid conflict, and the opportunity to really connect and be vulnerable with one another.

No matter where your marriage is, it is never to late to course correct and connect with your spouse. And when you do this, not only does your marriage benefit, but so do your kids. It’s a win for the entire family.

The post Is the Amount of Activities Your Kids Are Involved in Contributing To Your Marital Drift appeared first on RHETT SMITH.

This is a question that I have been wrestling with for a while.

Befriending my anxiety has been something that has changed my life and I see it change the lives of those I have the privilege of working with.

I even finished up a 10-part series on this topic recently.

So today I guest blogged over at author Ally Vesterfelt’s blog, talking about What if You And Your Anxiety Were… Friends?

Check it out.

The post Making Friends With Your Anxiety appeared first on RHETT SMITH.

I work with a lot of clients who are struggling with porn or who have a porn addiction.

And there is a lot of topics covered in this video. What I find fascinating is the intersection of technology and pornography and how that perfect storm is rewiring people’s brains.

Check it out for yourself.

The Great Porn Experiment: Gary Wilson at TEDxGlasgow

The post How the Confluence of Pornography and Technology is Re-Wiring Our Brains appeared first on RHETT SMITH.

The videos will be short, and will describe the content of each chapter and why I felt that was an important theme for men to tackle.

I hope that these videos will be helpful for the individual reading the book, and I hope that small groups who read the book will use the videos in their time together.

Ultimately, I see these videos as just another launching off point for men to dive more in-depth into the book.

So over the next couple of weeks I will be posting videos for each chapter, but today I start with an Introduction to the book where I talk about:

Why did I write the book?

Who did I write the book for?

How can you best use the book?

The post Video Introduction to “What it Means to be a Man” appeared first on RHETT SMITH.

I am very excited about this book, and it’s always cool to see an idea come to fruition. What began two-years ago as an idea for a book based on my therapy work with men has actually materialized in a book. That is always amazing to me — seeing an idea come to be.

But as I say in the acknowledgements of the book — this book — no book really — sees the light of day without a team of people.

So I just want to say a huge thank you to all the people at Moody Publishers, especially the group that is taking care of us at Moody Collective, where my writing is thankful to find a home. I’m thankful to be surrounded by a great group of people, and several writers that I was great friends with before we actually wrote anything (i.e. Jeff Goins, Matthew Anderson, Scott McClellan, Tyler Braun).

Thanks to my awesome editor Steve Lyon. He helped me keep things clear and short.

Thanks to Randall Payleitner, Natalie Mills and Rachel Rounds. You all are amazing. I love working with the three of you. Thanks for all your hard work and for believing in me.

Thanks to Justin Davis who wrote the foreword to my book. I love the work that he and his wife Trisha do at their marriage ministry Refine Us.

Thanks to the endorsers on the book: Gary Chapman, Sean McGever, Scott McClellan, Jason Boyett, Keenan Barber, Emily P. Freeman, Todd Sandel, Kary Miller, Dale Fincher, Tod Bolsinger and Darrell Vesterfelt. I appreciate all of you taking time to read the early manuscript, give feedback and endorse the book.

Thanks to two confidential Facebook groups that I had the privilege of interacting with. One group was made up of 48 men, and the other was a group of 22 women. They read my early manuscript and opened up their lives to one another. It was amazing. They provided amazing feedback, insight and encouragement over the course of the last 3 months. I am so thankful that they took time to read the book, and I’m humbled by their support. Thank you all.

I am really thankful to my family. As I mention in the book — to a mom (though she died when I was 11) who taught me a lot about what it meant to be a man…teaching me a lot about the things men need to know but culture and other men don’t often teach them. Things like vulnerability. I’m super thankful to have a dad who has taught me countless things about what it means to be a man…but most importantly, has modeled them for me and has always rooted them in his relationship with Christ. That is the ultimate example. Thank you to my amazing kids who encourage me as a father, and who are living reminders of why it’s important that God is the basis of my manhood. Thank you to my amazing wife…she has been an amazing source of encouragement as I’ve often struggled with my own ideas about what it means to be a man. Our marriage has been the ultimate refining process that God has used to help me better understand that being a man has nothing to do with the many things that I thought it did (toughness, aggression, no fear), but rather that it emanates out of my relationship with Christ. Thank you.

Last, I am just really thankful to God that he has given me the amazing opportunity to do something that I love — that is to work with people day in and day out in my counseling office. And not only do I get to work with amazing people, but I get to write about this journey of mine as I experience it with others. I feel very blessed. Thank you.

Thank you to all of you for all your support and encouragement over the years. I’ve been writing at rhettsmith.com since 2003/2004 and it has been an amazing journey. Thanks.

The post “What it Means to be a Man” — Officially Out Today appeared first on RHETT SMITH.

• Probably somewhere between 20-55.
• Struggling with relationships.
• Has shut themselves off from their emotions and feelings. Anger seems to be all they can feel at times.
• And if they aren’t shut off, doesn’t know how to communicate them in a healthy way.
• Fears being relational intimacy with people, because that would require being vulnerable…which is super scary for many men.
• They describe themselves as being depressed…but they won’t use that word. Maybe they say “I’m down.” “I’m unmotivated.”
• They feel on edge and anxious.
• And ultimately all these things lead to them feeling stuck in life. Stuck as a spouse. Stuck as a parent. Stuck as a friend. Stuck at work. Stuck in their faith.
• et cetera

So I wrote a book that I imagined I could hand to a guy to read that would essentially cover months and months of us doing therapy together.

What it Means to be a Man is essentially a primer for men on manhood.

It is 13 different themes in a very short book. Each chapter is only a few pages long and ends with a challenge. A man could read it alone, but hopefully they would talk about the book with other men, and ultimately work through the 16-week study guide in the back in a group of men.

This is who and what I envisioned when I first started drafting the outline of the book almost two years ago.

But as I have worked through the book many times over in groups of men and women readers I have broadened my view of who this book is really for.

So who should read this book?

Men should read this book. Any man who pictures themselves in the above scenario. Men who want to transform their life and their relationships should read this book.

Young men should read this book. I’ve had lots of people tell me that they want their high school or college son to read this book so that they have the tools they need to succeed as a man. They wanted their sons to have these necessary tools early in manhood.

Women should read this book. Just look at the number of women posting Amazon reviews who found this book helpful. Prior to the book coming out I led two private Facebook groups of readers (48 men and 22 women). It was powerful to hear the comments and the insight gained into men’s lives by many women in those groups. So if you are a mom, spouse, sister, daughter or friend of a man — then this book may be the tool you need to better understand men better. And instead of a tie this year, how about this book for Father’s Day?

Over the next couple of weeks I will let you in on more of the details of the book and how you can best utilize it in your life.

But for today, if you fall into one of those categories above I hope that you will pick the book and begin the journey to better understand and live out what it means to be a man.

The post “What it Means to be a Man”: A Primer for Men on Manhood and an Insightful Book for Women appeared first on RHETT SMITH.

I’m very excited about this new book and thankful for the amazing team of people around me at Moody Publishers who helped make this happen.

Thanks to my awesome friend Matt Knisely for shooting the footage for my new book trailer.

The post “What it Means to be a Man” Book Trailer appeared first on RHETT SMITH.