Archive - Ministry-Theology RSS Feed

Pastoral Leadership: Why It May Be More About Your Family of Origin Than About Technique and Data Collecting

February 16, 2011 in Marriage-Family, Ministry-Theology, Therapy-Psychology with 8 Comments

Family problems can often be resolved by having the parents or partners focus on and work at unresolved issues in their families of origin. By the same token, leaders must not only develop vision, persistence, and stamina, but also understand that the problems they encounter may stem from their own unsolved family issues, their organization’s past, sabotage in response to their effective leadership, or a combination of these factors. (pp. 27-28)
A Failure of Nerve: Leadership in the Age of the Quick Fix by Edwin Friedman

Let me begin by saying that Friedman’s book in my opinion is an absolute must read for not only those in any leadership position, but I especially think it’s a crucial read for those in pastoral leadership. The more and more I work with families in therapy, and the more and more I work with pastors in the church…the more and more I see the similarities of issues that are involved. I’m obviously not the first to see this correlation, and in fact, in Friedman’s seminal work, Generation to Generation: Family Process in Church and Synagogue, he explores at length this very idea.

There is so much valuable insight in this book, but one aspect that I have been thinking about a lot is something that Friedman says in regards to data collecting and technique by leaders. Friedman says:

It was at this point that I began to realize that before any technique or data could be effective, leaders had to be willing to face their own selves. Otherwise the effect of technique was like trying to build up energy in a spring where the initial twists store up more potential and then suddenly, with one twist too many, the entire spring unwinds. If this sounds similar to the recover problems of alcoholics, there may be more to the association than we would care to admit….the chronic anxiety in American society has made the imbibing of data and technique addictive precisely because it enables leaders not to have to face their selves. (pp. 21)

There is so, so much in that statement by Friedman that needs unpacking, and I will do so at more length in the near future. But let me leave you with a few thoughts.

Is it possible that our hunger as pastors to attend more conferences, read more books, acquire more skills, learn more techniques, and use more technology…is really a means by which we avoid doing the difficult task of looking at ourselves?

As pastors, do we lead with a non-anxious presence (self-differentiated), or does our own anxiety model to our congregation some of the same self-avoiding behaviors that they see in us?

If it is true that leadership is more of an emotional process than a cognitive one (pp. 11), then much of our ability to lead lies in our discovery and awareness of who we are in our families of origin, than in our ability to just know and do more.

The Chemistry of a Church Staff

February 8, 2011 in Ministry-Theology with 7 Comments

This is a guest post from my good friend Justin Lathrop whose company Help Staff Me in January of 2011 united with Vanderbloemen Search Group in an effort to serve the church with all their staffing needs. Whether it is a Jr. High Pastor a Lead Pastor or an Executive Pastor we are equipped to meet your staffing needs.

A staff member with years of experience observed, “If our team is strong and healthy, we can go through hell together and come out with wisdom and gratitude. But if our team is bickering and distant, no amount of ministry success offsets the tension and heartache we experience.” This person’s perspective is shared by many people on teams across the country.

Chemistry is one of the most important and elusive traits of a staff team. We know we should value each other’s strengths, but too often, we secretly (or not so secretly) despise people who are different. If we’re extroverts, we shake our heads at those who are quiet and reflective. If we’re analytical, we become impatient with those who enthusiastically buy every new concept or program. If we’re big-picture people, we are annoyed by staff members who insist on dotting every I and crossing every T.

We may have concluded that getting along with certain people is impossible, but the apostle Paul would disagree. If traditionally hostile Jews and Gentiles could “break down the dividing wall” and become one in the body of Christ, our staff teams should be able to find common ground, too. Here are some suggestions to break down walls on your staff team:

  1. Take steps to understand one another. Tools like the Myers-Briggs Personality Indicator can help people understand themselves, but even more importantly, they help us understand and appreciate each other. A higher-level tool I use is the California Psychological Inventory. Unfortunately the tool is only as good as who you have interpreting it. If you want to use it let me know and I will point you in the right direction.
  2. Notice what grates on you, and value the corresponding strength in the other person. Every weakness has a corresponding strength. Learn to see both sides of each person.
  3. Affirm and encourage. Take initiative to speak words that build people up. In the same letter where Paul talked about the gospel breaking down walls, he told us, “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen” (Ephesians 4:29).
  4. Expect transformation. When we extend grace to people, God does amazing things to change lives—even ours.

The chemistry of a staff team means the world to everyone involved, especially those who are watching from outside. Invest both before hiring and after hired in developing good chemistry with your staff. For minimal outlay you can

So You Want To Get Married? Suggested Books and Resources for Your Premarital Preparation

February 1, 2011 in Marriage-Family, Ministry-Theology, Therapy-Psychology with 16 Comments

“What books do you recommend we read in our premarital counseling?”

That has been a question I have been getting a lot of recently. Whether it’s a Facebook message from a friend, an @rhetter comment on Twitter, or some email I receive from someone who came across my blog, it seems lots of people are interested in finding the right books and resources to read in their premarital preparation.

It’s a really good question, I’m sure you will get a million different answers depending on who you ask. I find that people take this stuff real personal, and really want to share with you what books they read in their premarital counseling because understandably they want to be able to contribute to you some ideas of what books influenced their marriage in hopes that it too has a lasting impact on you.

Soapbox: I wonder what would happen to our marriages if we invested as much time into their preparation as we do for all the wedding planning. It would not surprise me if the average couple who actually does premarital counseling spends about 5-10 hours total in this prep. That includes sessions with the counselor and homework on their own. Compare that to the amount of time a couple spends planning the details of their wedding (location, catering, music, photography, honeymoon, seating arrangements, wedding dress, tuxedos, ring shopping, et cetera). You get my point.

Okay, now back to the topic of this post.

There are lots of different directions you can go with premarital counseling, and the books and resources that you might use. When deciding which direction to go, here are a few things to take into consideration.

  1. How much time do you have to do the premarital counseling? A few months?  A few weeks? Days?  Et cetera.


  2. What kind of training do you have?  Are you a pastor who does lots of counseling and performs weddings?  Are you a lay leader who mentors couples? Are you a licensed therapist/counselor?


  3. What kind of couple are you working with?  Are they highly motivated to really invest and engage in the work?  Do they make the premarital counseling a priority?  Will they read the material, or do the assignments?

Once you have answered those questions, then I think that will put you in a better position to help you determine a course of action for premarital counseling, and what resources, books, or tools you might want to implement and recommend.

My premarital work has changed drastically over the last 8-10 years as I have spent more time with couples, changed professions (from pastor to therapist), and have engaged a wider variety or marriage books than are typically touted.

I have a list of 11 books, and 2 resources that I use in my premarital counseling. By that I don’t mean I have a couple read all the books, but I will pull ideas from the various ones listed, and I may make a recommendation of 1-2 books for a couple to read, depending on the couple, and what area of growth I think is most crucial to the success of their marriage. Consider this just the well from which I draw water from. And also know that I use a variety of material from both the Christian and non-Christian marriage literature.



Books
Let me start with books. If I could only recommend five books that a couple reads, or that a counselor/therapist/pastor reads and pulls ideas from, these are the five I would recommend (I would recommend this for marital as well as premarital work):

When To Say YES, When to Say NO, To Take Control of Your Life by Henry Cloud and John Townsend
–Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries. This is a huge area of growth for most people, especially couples as they merge two lives, two families, two careers, etc. together. Most people don’t know how to set healthy boundaries, and if you don’t learn this skill early on in your marriage, it could be very detrimental later on.

Passionate Marriage: Keeping Love and Intimacy Alive in Committed Relationships by David Schnarch
–Two ideas: “self soothing” one’s anxiety and differentiation. Two important concepts that few explicate like Schnarch. Also, Schnarch’s work on sexual intimacy is pioneering work on many fronts, and sexuality tends to often be one subject that couple’s fail to honestly communicate about. Though I hate to put a warning on this book , I must so as not to catch people off guard. This is not a “Christian marriage” book and Schnarch’s graphic writing on topics and blunt language may be offensive to people…though I have found many people thanking me for recommending this book to them. I just think it would be a shame for people to miss out on such a great work on marriage.

Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Love of a Lifetime by Sue Johnson
–When couple’s understand the importance of their early attachment bonds, and how those bonds either positively or negatively influenced their current relationship, it can be a major moment of insight for understanding how they interact. Johnson’s pioneering work on Emotionally Focused Therapy is condensed in this easy to read book, and I think her practical advice can interrupt couple’s negative patterns and promote positive ones.

The Mystery of Marriage: Meditations on the Miracle by Mike Mason
–One of the first books I read on marriage, so it has some sentimental value. And Mason is right, marriage is a mystery, not a five or seven step process that if only followed, equals marriage success. I love Mason’s theological and philosophical insights into the mystery of marriage.

The Total Money Makeover: A Proven Plan for Financial Fitness by Dave Ramsey
–Money, money, money. It’s one of the major sources of conflict in a marriage, and one of the most common reasons leading people to divorce. Why we don’t spend more time helping couple’s work through their issues around money is beyond me. Getting on the same page financially, and holding the same fiscal values can literally free a couple up in so many ways.

I might change my mind on those five tomorrow if a different couple has different needs, wants, and desires, or if I see different areas of potential conflict and needed growth in a specific couple. But when put together, those five books have some powerful principles in them that can set a couple off on the right foot and help positively transform their marriage.

Here are some other suggestions for books I might, and often do throw in the mix.

The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country’s Foremost Relationship Expert by John Gottman
–Gottman is a leading expert on marriage, and this book provides LOTS of great exercises for couples to practice.

Extraordinary Relationships: A New Way of Thinking About Human Interactions
 by Roberta Gilbert
–I love Gilbert’s use of Bowen family system’s theory and how we might think differently about the relationships we are a part of.

Sacred Marriage: What if God Designed Marriage to Make Us Holy More Than to Make Us Happy by Gary Thomas
–Because if the subtitle doesn’t compel you, I don’t know what will. Great antidote to what many couple’s assume marriage is all about.

The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts by Gary Chapman
–A light bulb literally went off in my wife and I’s head (dating at the time) when we realized that we spoke different love languages, but expected the other person to speak the same. Very freeing insight for a marriage.

The Prophet by Kahlil Gibran
–Because at times we need more poetry and less information when it comes to marriage preparation. The section “On Marriage” is a great reminder to couple’s, especially as it pertains to one’s differentiation.

Letters to a Young Poet by Rainer Maria Rilke
–”Love consists in this, that two solitudes protect and touch and greet each other” — Beautiful!



Resources/Tools
And now for a couple of very helpful resources that I use from time to time in my premarital work:

I’m certified as a counselor/trainer in the use and implementation of both of these inventories/programs. These are great tools to use, especially if you are not a trained/licensed therapist/counselor, or if you are a pastor who feels like you need more tools to help you design your premarital work.

Family Wellness: The Strongest Link: The Couple

Prepare-Enrich



Tips
As you prepare for your marriage let me make a few suggestions on how to maybe approach and use the material:

  1. Try reading one of the books together…out loud.  You will be amazed at what stands out to you as you do this.  And you will be amazed and enlightened by the conversations that start between the two of you as you simply read out loud.


  2. Try sharing a book and as you read the book to yourselves, use different color pens to highlight material that is important to you.  It helps your partner pick up on some things that need to be addressed, and may help your partner have insight into what issues you see relevant in the coming marriage, or what issues strike a personal chord.


  3. Start preparing for your marriage (not wedding prep) months in advance.  I recommend at least six months so that you have time to properly address issues that may arise.  If your engagement is shorter than six months, then start right away.  Don’t put off till the end.

So anything you would add to this post under books, resources, tips, etc.?

I know lots of people use Love and Respect by Emmerson Eggerichs, and the two books by Shaunti Feldahn, For Men Only: A Straightforward Guide to the Inner Lives of Women, For Women Only: What You Need to Know About the Inner Lives of Men.

Note to Men: It’s About Being Intentional

January 17, 2011 in Marriage-Family, Ministry-Theology with 8 Comments

I’m not sure why I wanted to write about this topic now. Because in reality, I have been thinking about it for a long time.

Maybe it’s because I work with a lot of men. And maybe because a lot of the men I work with (both in counseling and in ministry) struggle between two opposites. They often wrestle with being passive or being aggressive (angry).

It’s hard to not notice that there has been lots of talk about passive men over the last two decades. I’m not sure where it all began. But in the early 90′s up till now there have been movements and cultural icons of what being a man is about.

Perhaps the more recent images of manliness began with the Promise Keepers’ Movement and Robert Bly’s book, Iron John: A Book about Men –both appearing in 1990.

It really seemed to pick up steam in 2001 with the publication of Wild at Heart.

One thing I do know for sure, lots of men were left with the idea that they needed to head out into the wilderness, brandish their swords, and go to battle. Anything but living out the image of Braveheart (1996) or Gladiator (2000) resulted in not being a man.

I’m obviously overstating the case, but if you attended any Christian conferences, retreats, speaking engagements in the 1990′s and 2000′s it was hard to avoid references to both of those iconic images of men portrayed in those movies. I probably made some of the references myself.

It often felt like pastors, writers, bloggers, and just about everyone else piled on the topic, encouraging men to be more, well, more like men.

And honestly, there is lots of analysis, and lots of direction I could go, but I want to keep it simple.

I have found that being a man is about being intentional (characterized by conscious design or purpose). Too many think that the opposite of being a “passive” or “nice” guy means becoming aggressive or angry.

It’s not. It’s about living a life with intention.

Being intentional in your marriage.

Being intentional with your kids.

Being intentional in your vocation.

Being intentional with your friendships.

Being intentional about your faith.

Men who are intentional seem to be men in other people’s eyes. In the eyes of their wives, kids, friends, c0-workers, etc.

By the way. I have been to two Promise Keepers. I have read Wild at Heart. I love both Braveheart and Gladiator. And they have all been super influential and helpful in my life. But thankfully I don’t have to brandish a sword to be a man, but instead can be a man by living a life of intentionality.

“I can tell you what Christmas is all about” — Linus

December 22, 2010 in Ministry-Theology with 2 Comments

Sabbath Keeping versus Margin Keeping: Practices We Must Foster

December 15, 2010 in Ministry-Theology, Therapy-Psychology with 4 Comments

Exchanges between friends on Twitter often raise some great questions.

On November 24 Tyler Braun posted the following:

Challenging post from @MarkBatterson on maintaining margin: http://bit.ly/gMJmjP // I lose it far too often.

My reply to Tyler was:

@tylerbraun almost everyone who ends up in therapy with me has no margin…it’s a consistent theme and issue that affects EVERYTHING!

And my good friend from the church I grew up in Phoenix with, Anna Broadway, replied with:

@tylerbraun @rhetter How would ya’ll say margin in his/your use compares to rest/sabbath? Is sabbath practice a means of protecting margin?

So how does margin compare to Sabbath? And is keeping a Sabbath a way of protecting margin? Those are great questions.

I talk quite frequently in my work with families in both the counseling and church ministry setting about the topic of margin in their lives. I talk about creating “white space” on the calendar, where there is nothing scheduled. It is protected time for families and members of the family to just be…to rest…or to participate in something that hasn’t already been planned. It’s a time to be free of “should”, “have to”, “tasks”, and to simply rest. It’s a great time of connection in families, as they are free to be creative, and do things that aren’t demanded of them.

Margin, “white space”, boundaries…whatever term you use, it is essentially the same. It’s the act of creating space that is free of busyness and activities.

I see this task of creating space and margin as being very different from Sabbath.

Genesis 2:3: Then God blessed the seventh day and made it holy, because on it he rested from all the work of creating that he had done.

Sabbath keeping is something that I believe we as Christians should want to do. It is a day where we rest in the work that God has already done. It is a laying down of our wants, abilities and demands, and to be content in what God has already accomplished in our lives. It’s a discipline of saying I don’t have to produce, or do something in order to be right before God. It’s an act of being versus doing. This is reflected in the New Testament, especially at Jesus’ baptism in Mark 1:9-11, where Jesus identity is in his being in relationship with his Father, and not in his doing.

Creating margin, “white space”, boundaries, I view as something that we do on top of Sabbath keeping. It is built in times that are focused on rest, and allowing the creativity in a family/ourselves to come to fruition. Many families/individuals over-schedule their lives with busyness and activities like sports and hobbies because they have somewhere lost the ability to just be with one another outside of having to always do things with one another. There is a distinction there, though subtle, can have huge impacts on our relationships with one another.

I believe we protect the Sabbath because that is something we do to foster our relationship with God, and to state that we are dependent upon him, rather than ourselves.

I believe we protect margin, “white space”, and boundaries in our lives because that is something we do to foster our relationship not only with ourselves, but with those we live, work, and play with.

When an individual, or family loses the ability to foster a Sabbath, or create margin in their lives, I know that there are usually deeper things at work. Often individuals and families are afraid to just be by themselves, or with another, without something planned to do. That fear and hesitation points to the very need to create that space and practice a Sabbath.

Any thoughts that you all have on Sabbath, margin, creating “white space”, etc.? I would love to hear them.

The Influence of Technology in Our Lives

October 22, 2010 in Marriage-Family, Ministry-Theology, Technology-Social Media, Therapy-Psychology with 3 Comments

“The technology is rewiring our brains,” said Nora Volkow, director of the National Institute of Drug Abuse and one of the world’s leading brain scientists. She and other researchers compare the lure of digital stimulation less to that of drugs and alcohol than to food and sex, which are essential but counterproductive in excess. New York Times: Hooked on Gadgets and Paying a Mental Price

It seems that almost everyday a new article or study comes out that clues us in to how pervasive the effects of technology and social media are on our lives. Whether the effects are personal or relational, technology and social media are transforming our lives. Some of the ways that it transforms our lives can be expected (feeling connected, up to date information, organization, etc.), but other times the effects are ones we don’t expect (anxiety, affairs, jealousy, anger, porn addiction, lack of intimacy, etc.).

John Dyer and I are speaking at Woodcreek Church in Plano on Sunday night, and this is like the fourth or fifth time in the last year or so that we have been able to collaborate in person on the intersection of technology, theology, and relationships. In this post I would just like to point you towards some resources that you may find helpful as you begin to think more critically on how technology and social media are influencing your life. And I would like to suggest a few tips that you may find helpful in navigating through this issue.

Technology Transforms Us
I have written about this topic numerous times on my blog at rhettsmith.com, and hopefully you will find something helpful there for you to read. I also recommend that you regularly read John Dyer’s blog at Don’t Eat the Fruit. John does some of the best writing at the intersections of technology/theology and technology/relational-practical psychology. Check out one of John’s talks below on how technology is not neutral.

Technology Is Not Neutral: How Bible Technology Shapes Our Faith

View more webinars from John Dyer.

One of the more succinct articles on the topic of the transforming effects of technology on our lives is from New York Times Op-Ed Columnist Charles M. Blow, who has a great round-up of some of the articles and studies of interest, Friends, Neighbors and Facebook.

Last, I want to recommend just a few books with varying themes on the influence of technology in our lives:

The Shallows: What the Internet is Doing to Our Brains by Nicholas Carr

Born Digital: Understanding the First Generation of Digital Natives by John Palfrey and Urs Gasser

Better Off: Flipping the Switch on Technology by Eric Brende

Facebook and Your Marriage by K. Jason Krafsky and Kelli Krafsky

Set Some Technological Boundaries
Most people adopt a technology into their lives without really asking, “How is this technology going to shape me? How is this technology going to change my relationships, or impact my family dynamics? So one of the first boundaries that I think is helpful for individuals and families is to begin with some questions. For example:

Seeking Boundaries Through Questioning

  1. If we give this iPhone to our son and daughter, how may this technology impact how we communicate with them in the future? And are we okay with how it transforms the communication process?
  2. Is the device age appropriate? For example, does my 8 year old really need an cell phone?
  3. If I’m on the computer instead of interacting with my friends, wife, kids, etc., what kind of message is that sending to them? Am I okay with that message, or the their perception of the message that is being sent?
  4. How will my use of social media (Facebook, Twitter, blogs, etc.) impact how I communicate with others?

There are lots and lots of questions that you can ask yourself, or those that you are in relationship with (partner, spouse, family, co-worker, etc.). So begin there. Be creative and explore how the adoption of a technology into your life will transform it. Once you have asked some questions, setting some physical boundaries is helpful. For example:

Setting Physical Boundaries

  1. Set time limits on when a technology can be used. For example, many individuals and families that I know set time boundaries on their use of cell phones and computers, often leaving them off from the time they get home till after the kids are in bed. Some choose to leave them off all night. You don’t have to be legalistic about it, but play around with some ideas. I find it helpful to leave my cell phone off when I come home from work so that I’m focused on my family, especially my daughter who goes to be within an hour or two after I get home. I may decide to check it after she goes to sleep to make sure there is nothing urgent, but I often choose to leave it off till morning so that my wife feels that I’m fully present with her.
  2. Create a physical place where you can put aside your technological devices as a way of saying to one another, “I am present. What matters most is what is happening in front of me, and not what is happening out there.” Some families have been creative in creating spaces such as baskets where every member in the family puts their devices from night until morning. Check out John Dyer’s article, Why You Need a Technology Basket at Home.
  3. Set aside at least one day a week where you strive to be as technology free as possible (I know technology can mean a lot of things, but I’m primarily thinking of computing devices, cell phones, etc, etc.). Do you have a day where you leave your phone off, or don’t check your email? If not, think about setting aside a day to do this. It accomplishes at least two purposes: 1) Signals to yourself, to your family, and to others that you won’t let technology dictate your life (at least one day a week); lets those people know that for at least one day a week you are setting aside time to be fully present with them. 2) Helps one lower technological anxiety (something that many people don’t realize they have until they start to unplug).

These are just a few suggestions to help you begin the process of thinking through this topic. What suggestions do you have?

The influence of technology is a huge topic, and with each passing day more and more information and studies are coming out as we begin to see some of the effects that our new technologies are having on our lives. So now is the time to begin asking questions and setting boundaries–not only in your own life, but helping your friends and family think through this issue.

Mr. Nass at Stanford thinks the ultimate risk of heavy technology use is that it diminishes empathy by limiting how much people engage with one another, even in the same room.

“The way we become more human is by paying attention to each other,” he said. “It shows how much you care.”

That empathy, Mr. Nass said, is essential to the human condition. “We are at an inflection point,” he said. “A significant fraction of people’s experiences are now fragmented.” New York Times: Hooked on Gadgets, and Paying a Mental Price

Establish Your Boundaries in Youth Ministry…Early!

October 20, 2010 in Ministry-Theology, Therapy-Psychology with 0 Comments

I wouldn’t have known what to call it then, what questions to ask, nor what to say since it wasn’t even a topic on my radar. But looking back at that ministry I would have framed it around the topic of boundaries and self-care. The only pastoral advice I had been given at the time were “Take a day off if you come back from a retreat or mission trip” (self care), and “Be careful as a single college director working with female college students” (boundaries). That was it, and unfortunately I think that too often that is the extent of what most youth pastors will be taught in this area.

The topic of boundaries, self-care and burnout has been a very important topic to me in the last couple of years (as you can probably tell by my posts in the last few weeks) — and especially in the area of youth ministry, since how you establish those things at that stage of ministry often sets you up for failure or success in later years.

So check out the rest of the above post that I wrote for Youth Specialties, Setting Up for the Long Haul: Establishing Boundaries and Self-Care.

Anxiety as a Tool for Growth

October 8, 2010 in Ministry-Theology, Therapy-Psychology with 1 Comment

“Whoever has learned to be anxious in the right way has learned the ultimate.”
—Søren Kierkegaard in The Concept of Anxiety

Anxiety can be a very helpful tool in our lives. Unfortunately we have too often thought of anxiety as an indication of something wrong in us. Sometimes we equate it to a lack of faith or trust in God. Philippians 4:6 says:

“Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.”

It’s not that anxiety is “bad”, rather, it can be a catalyst for growth in our lives…driving us out of a place of being stuck…out of place of being worried…towards a new resolution in our lives…towards making change…towards a trust in God with the things we can’t control.

When I’m feeling anxious, the question that comes to my mind is not, “How do I get rid of this anxiety?” But rather, “What does the presence of anxiety in my life indicate?”

Identifying that distinction in my life can help me then move towards making the changes that are needed. It can help me work through relational issues that I’ve tried to bury. It can help me foster a deeper relationship with God.

Maybe there is anxiety in your life for a reason. Maybe it is the bullhorn that is beckoning you to take action, and in your freedom take responsibility for your life and make choices to change it.

Listen to anxiety. Don’t bury it. Don’t ignore it.

The Roundup: Youth Ministry, Family Dinners and “Messy Canvas”

October 6, 2010 in Marriage-Family, Ministry-Theology, Therapy-Psychology with 1 Comment

Youth Ministry
Youth ministry is an important topic to me because of not only my time in youth ministry as a kid, but all the time I have invested in it as a youth pastor and volunteer. Combine that with my other passion on the topic of boundaries and self-care…and avoiding burnout — well you get five posts that I wrote over the last couple of weeks on the topic, Youth Ministry, Boundaries, and Burnout. I hope you check these posts out and that you find them helpful. Let me know if you have any questions or additional thoughts that you want to add to them.

Youth Ministry, Boundaries, and Burnout — Part 1: Youth Ministry as a Stepping Stone (Fail)

Youth Ministry, Boundaries, and Burnout — Part 2: Looking at the Population You Serve

Youth Ministry, Boundaries, and Burnout — Part 3: Have a Schedule

Youth Ministry, Boundaries, and Burnout — Part 4: Where’s Your Identity?

Youth Ministry, Boundaries, and Burnout Part 5: Model the Change You Want to See

Family Dinners

“On the tenth anniversary of Family Day, newly released statistics from the National Center on Addiction and Substance Abuse (CASA) at Columbia University show that teens who have infrequent family dinners — less than three per week — are more than twice as likely as teens who eat with their families at least five times each week to say they expect to try drugs in the future. Those same teens are twice as likely to have used tobacco and alcohol and 1.5 times as likely to have used marijuana.”

I thought this was an interesting article, Simple Fix: Family Dinners Help Teens Avoid Drinking and Using Drugs, and as a therapist, pastor and father, I hear a lot of anecdotal evidence, as well as some research based evidence on the importance of family meals together. I consistently hear that somewhere in the neighborhood of 4-5 dinners a night drastically reduces the risks of your kids engaging in “high risk behavior” (i.e. drugs, alcohol, sex, etc.).

Obviously, having dinner together is not the key. It’s what happens when we spend time together. When you make eating dinner together a priority, you signal to your kids and everyone else, that our time together is valuable. It’s a time to connect and engage one another. It’s not good enough to just have a meal time together, but there is no engagement, the tv is on, and there are other distractions.

Some tips for family meal times:

  1. Make it a participatory event.  Let everyone have a role in the preparation of the meal and in the cleanup. Regardless of a kids age, find something appropriate that they can do to participate.  I often let my 3 year old daughter stir things for me, or with my supervision, cut some of the veggies or fruit up.  She also helps in putting her dishes in the dishwasher.  I have noticed that when she participates she is more engaged in the mealtime.


  2. Cut out distractions. Turn off TV.  Turn off radio.  Put away video games.  Put away cell phones.


  3. Be present.  By that, let everyone know by your words and actions that this is one of the most important times of the week for you.  And in being present, you are able to engage and connect with everyone better.


  4. Play a “game” that may facilitate conversation and engagement for kids (I don’t mean a video or board game), but play a “game” where everyone has to tell about the best part of the day.  Or worst part of the day.  Maybe at the end of the meal read a story, or ask a trivia question.  Be creative.


  5. Model to your kids what connecting looks like.  If you are single or married demonstrate to them by your conversation and engagement the expectations for the meal time together.


  6. Change the scenery.  Go out to dinner.  Have a picnic at the house – inside or outside.  Pretend like you are camping and have your food be around that theme.  Be Creative.

What else have you found helpful?

Blog Alert
I like checking out and reading a lot of different blogs, but one that I have enjoyed a lot recently is Messy Canvas.  I love her writing style (authentic, beautiful prose), and I like the material that she chooses to engage.  As a father and husband I find myself resonating a lot with her stories of family life.  She also just published a book, Angry Homemade Noodles: Imperfect Motherhood.  Check it out.
Page 3 of 61«12345»102030...Last »