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Do You Have A Social Media “Mirror”?

December 1, 2010 in Technology-Social Media, Therapy-Psychology with 4 Comments

I do that with satire, which is a tremendous vehicle for truth. It’s like a big mirror: You take an issue and you blow it up so it’s big enough and obvious enough for everyone to see. Then you stand next to it and ask: “Is that us? Are we OK with that?

I love that quote from Jon Acuff in his Relevant Magazine article, Three Rules of Christian Satire. Jon happens to be speaking about Christians and the Church primarily in this article, but the reality is, satire is a great article for communicating truth in all facets of life.

One of those areas for me happens to be social media. Our online behavior, social media profiles, and tangling up of our identity with them are often that mirror that makes things obvious…most often to those around us, but unfortunately not very clearly to us. Unfortunately, we often live with many blind spots.

I came across this video (HT: Marc Payan) and it was the mirror that makes things obvious to everyone, if they are already not.

I’m on my own journey here with social media, and the mirror for me came in the form of a few different things:

  1. As a therapist, watching the havoc that a lack of social media boundaries played in my client’s relationships.
  2. As a husband, seeing how a lack of social media boundaries became a barrier to interpersonal relationality with my wife.
  3. As a father, seeing my daughter emulate my lack of social media boundaries.  Scary.
  4. As a Christian, seeing my lack of social media boundaries dominate my activity, rather than spend time in prayer, reflection, worship, etc.

These have been some of my mirrors.

What have your mirrors been in the area of social media?

After watching the video above, how did you answer these questions: “Is that us? Are we OK with that?

Me: Yes…No.

Your Marriage and Facebook: Just Don’t Be an “Idiot.”

November 22, 2010 in Marriage-Family, Technology-Social Media, Therapy-Psychology with 6 Comments

Our conventional response to all media, namely that it is how they are used that counts, is the numb stance of the technological idiot. (Understanding Media by Marshall McLuhan, 17-18)

Reverend Cedric A. Miller made national headlines last week when he gave his “married church leaders until Sunday to get off the social-network website or resign their posts.” His statements caused quite a stir, and everyone had varying thoughts on the issue. Miller said he came to that decision after a “large percentage of his counseling over the past year and a half has been for marital problems, including infidelity, stemming from Facebook.” Though information about Miller’s own infidelity made the news this week, which I’m sure have caused many to excuse his statements all together, his comments are worth looking at.

Miller’s observations about Facebook and infidelity are not new, and many marriage and family therapists are reporting an ever growing increase in the number of couples who blame Facebook for their marital failures, or lack of faithfulness in their marriage (I would say between 35%-45% of the couples I work with). Even one law firm made the news recently when they cited that 1 in 5 of their divorce cases makes references to Facebook in their petitions. In fact, more and more lawyers are bringing Facebook, MySpace and Twitter into evidence in divorce cases.

Intervention
It’s easy for us to dismiss edicts that are similar to the one made by Reverend Miller. We might think he is being irrational. Out of touch. Not being realistic. Or just missing the point. What I tried to understand in the story was, here was a pastor who was not only struggling with his own infidelity, but also struggling with how to help congregants who were caught up in their own unfaithfulness. A connection was made to Facebook, and an intervention was made.

Interventions can be very helpful when people are struggling with addictions, a lack of boundaries, and sometimes just need a clean break to get back on the right path. We see this in recovery work with alcoholics, drug users, sex addicts…so maybe at some point, actually asking people to refrain from, or not use a technological device that has been used in some unhealthy ways is not at all that inappropriate (read: Is Your Addiction to Technology Transforming Your Life).

BUT…

Facebook is not to blame (read: Facebook Isn’t the Problem…But Maybe Your Marriage Is), nor is any other technological device that leads people to act in harmful ways. There are underlying issues that must always be addressed if we are to truly work on the problem…in this case…our marriages. Miller’s edict may in fact be helpful to some of the couples as an intervention, but if the root issues are not truly addressed, and we don’t take responsibility for our behavior, then the very behavior we blame on Facebook will pop its head up somewhere else.

There are lots of things we could discuss, and all kinds of directions we could go, but if I could have you remember and practice three things…this would be it (for now).

Awareness
We have got to become more aware of the impact that technology plays upon our relationships. It is not neutral, therefore it has far reaching implications into all aspects of relational life. As surely as you sit and read this post, know that technology is transforming your relationships.

The Marshall McLuhan quote from the top of the post I took from my friend John Dyer’s post, and he expands on it here:

McLuhan is saying that we become “technological idiots” when we simply place all technology in the “how you use it” bucket without understanding that any use of technology – for immoral or moral ends – will have some effect on us. In other words, we need more buckets for thinking about technology. We need to be able to discuss cognitive, relational, and physical effects of technology without immediately reverting into “good,” “bad,” or “how you use it” categories. (How to Become a “Technological Idiot” in One Easy Step: Think Like a Christian by John Dyer)

Unless I’m totally dense (and that’s a possibility), John, McLuhan, and others are saying that we have to not only think beyond just how we use technology, but also on how it is shaping our lives. If we fail to do that…well, then we are being “idiots” I suppose. And I’ve been one of the biggest “idiots”until some major “aha” moments began to reshape my thinking in this area.

So what should we have awareness of when using Facebook? Two key things come to mind:

  1. Facebook creates/allows access.  Like the car and telephone that came before it, social media technology gives us access into areas of our lives and others that we didn’t have access to before.  That is an awesome thing, but it also requires us to bear an awesome responsibility in how we navigate that access.  So just be cognizant of the fact that you have access to others when you communicate with them on Facebook, and that that access fosters relationship.  Does the access you have with specific others on Facebook hinder, or help your marital relationship?


  2. Facebook has a transforming affect on your marital relationship.  Don’t be naive.  It may be in your face, or it may be subtle, but it is currently under work in how it is transforming your marital relationship.  It probably transforms it in some really great ways.  I love seeing my wife’s status updates when I’m at work during the day.  And I love seeing some of the pics she posts.  What is probably less noticeable is when my wife and I aren’t connecting and I choose Facebook as the tool to help me connect with someone else rather than her.  Or it probably doesn’t notice how I allow the affirmation from others online shape my identity in some unhealthy ways.

Identity
I have been a strong believer that social media technology is a strong force in shaping our identity. I like Kenneth Gergen’s concept of the “saturated self”, as well as Andrew F. Woods and Michael J. Smith’s “mediated self.” These concepts have huge implications for us, and how we, therefore, live in a marital relationship with our spouse. But the most understandable for me in my marital interactions comes from the “reflected sense of self” concept that marriage and sex therapist David Schnarch so eloquently writes about in his book, Passionate Marriage: Keeping Love and Intimacy Alive. In his book he says:

“When we have little differentiation our identity is constructed out of what’s called a ‘reflected sense of self’. We need continual contact, validation, and consensus (or disagreement) from others. This leaves us unable to maintain a clear sense of who we are in shifting or uncertain circumstances. We develop a contingent identity based on a ‘self-in-relationship.’”

This “reflected sense of self” is often what drives one partner into an affair, because they like and desire the “reflected sense of self” the affair partner reflects back to them, than the reality that the spouse presents. This can happen in social media very easily as we often hop online, liking our “reflected sense of self” we receive from the online identities we have constructed and the adoration that they receive from others. Many choose to have an affair with their online life and social media world, at the expense of their spouse and family. And others actually carry that affair offline (read: Are You Having an Affair With Your Social Media Persona?).

Boundaries
Maybe you haven’t noticed that I actually, really do, love social media technology, and use it quite a bit. So the biggest shift in my thinking over the last year hasn’t been to declare that Facebook or Twitter or the web as being evil, but rather, to set some healthier boundaries in my life when it comes to using the technology. If the technology is going to have a transforming affect on my relationships, then I want to at least be able to dictate to the technology (as much as possible) in what ways I will and won’t allow it to shape me…rather than the other way around. Social media technology can be a brutal task master. I have talked about boundaries at length on my blog before (read: Setting Boundaries With Technology Can Help You Maintain Your Sense of Self and Identity), but let me highlight a few suggestions that I and others have found helpful when it comes to social media technology and marriage.


  1. Time Limits: Bottom line…you should have a time limit with the amount of time you spend online on your computer, the amount of time you play with your phone, etc.  If you don’t have time limits in place, you can easily get consumed by the technology.  Placing time limits on technology allows you to be in control, and not the other way around.  If you can’t place time limits, then I would say, you probably have some form of addiction to the technology. Or you might be allowing technology to have more influence on your identity than you thought.  There are various tools (web apps) that can help you do this, as well as you have the ability to control time limits from your computer server.  Some people say to me, “I work with computers all day, I can’t be offline?”  My response is usually, “Really?  You can’t ever be offline at all?  If that’s the case, then there are other problems.”  You should still be able to set time limits. Setting limits can also signal to your spouse that they, rather than the technology, are more important to you.


  2. Physical (Basket, Car, Closet, etc.): Find some physical thing such as a basket, your car, or a closet to put all of your technological items in at some point in the day.  The physical place is a reminder to set your stuff aside.  It not only reminds you, but it reminds your family as well.  It also serves as a symbol to you, your family, etc, that they are more important than the technology that so often gets in the way of relationships. They can look over at the basket and be reminded of a family’s priorities.  Have you ever looked over at your spouse while they were on Facebook and wondered, I wish they would get off that thing and connect with me? You can set physical boundaries in a variety of ways, but what works well for me is that we have a tray that I put my phone and computer and other tech items in every night when I walk in the door.  Those items remain in that tray unless I may need them for some reason, but it has to be a good reason…not just browsing or killing time.  One family I know has everyone put their laptops and phones in their basket every night at 9pm, and no one can access the basket till 8am the next morning.  John Dyer has a good post about this, Why You Need A Technology Basket At Home.


  3. Tech Sabbath (Various Rhythms): I am always reminded that God created the earth in six days and then rested on the seventh day.  There was a rhythm of work and rest in his life, yet we seldom feel the need to model this example, instead working or being plugged in all seven days.  I think that an important boundary people can set in relation to their technology is a sabbath.  One day a week…Five to six days a month…Two to three weeks a year…where you are unplugged.  A sabbath is a reminder to us that our life is not dictated by work or technology, but that it is a life given unto God, rather than the tools we use.  I believe everyone should have at least one day a week where they don’t get online, check email, Twitter, FB, blog, etc, etc.  Most people can do this.  It’s rare that you have to/must check email everyday.  Often the inability to unplug from email one day a week says something more about your inability to create healthy boundaries, than it does about the reality of people not really needing you immediately, and as badly as you think.  Experiment with different rhythms, but setting time aside to be unplugged is not only restorative for you, but a great model to your family.  It reminds them of who is the most important…them, not the technology.


  4. Ask Others (Galatians 5:22-23): My favorite professor in seminary said to our class one day, “If you really want to know if I’m someone who lives out the fruit of the spirit that Paul talks about in Galatians, then ask my family who lives with me everyday…don’t take my word for it.”  We often have a false sense of reality.  I may think that I’m good with establishing boundaries with my technology, but that may not really be the case.  The people who would really know would be my wife, my friends, my children, my co-workers, etc.  Go to your spouse, friend, etc. and ask them, “Give me an honest assessment about my use of technology.  Do I have healthy boundaries?  Am I on my phone too much?  Does my use of technology get in the way of our relationship?”  Don’t take your word for it.  Ask others.


  5. Strive for Face to Face: When at all possible, strive to meet, talk with your spouse face to face.  If you can talk face to face, rather than text…do that.  If you can sit down over coffee, rather than email, then do that.  Anytime you have the opportunity to meet face to face, take the opportunity. Don’t let Apple dictate to you and your spouse how you should emotionally connect.

What Others Are Saying
Should Pastors Really Ban Facebook? by K. Jason and Kelli Krafsky

Facebook and Adultery? by Eugene Cho

Pastor Bans Facebook to Stop Adultery by Church Marketing Sucks

Thanks for checking out the post. My thoughts on social media technology and how it shapes our lives and relationships is a work in progress…so any thoughts, feedback, pushback you have…feel free to chime in.

Colliding Juxtapositions: Re-Thinking My Use of Social Media (i.e. Twitter)

November 17, 2010 in Technology-Social Media with 8 Comments

[image by nashworld]


If you want to get a glimpse in how my thinking has changed in regards to my use of technology and social media, and more specifically Twitter…then look no further than these two articles that I have written for Collide Magazine in the last year and a half.

The first article I wrote in the 2009 March/April edition of the magazine, and you read someone who is in love with social media (specifically Twitter)…telling all pastors they should be on Twitter: Why Twitter? Shaping Our Narrative One Tweet at a Time

The second article I wrote for the 2010 September/October edition of the magazine, and you read someone who is finally beginning to think more thoughtfully about how I use technology…and how it transforms my relationships…and no, not all pastors should/need to be on Twitter: Twitter: On Second Thought

The journey continues…

Has your thinking on your use of social media changed at all in the last year? How?

The Influence of Technology in Our Lives

October 22, 2010 in Marriage-Family, Ministry-Theology, Technology-Social Media, Therapy-Psychology with 3 Comments

“The technology is rewiring our brains,” said Nora Volkow, director of the National Institute of Drug Abuse and one of the world’s leading brain scientists. She and other researchers compare the lure of digital stimulation less to that of drugs and alcohol than to food and sex, which are essential but counterproductive in excess. New York Times: Hooked on Gadgets and Paying a Mental Price

It seems that almost everyday a new article or study comes out that clues us in to how pervasive the effects of technology and social media are on our lives. Whether the effects are personal or relational, technology and social media are transforming our lives. Some of the ways that it transforms our lives can be expected (feeling connected, up to date information, organization, etc.), but other times the effects are ones we don’t expect (anxiety, affairs, jealousy, anger, porn addiction, lack of intimacy, etc.).

John Dyer and I are speaking at Woodcreek Church in Plano on Sunday night, and this is like the fourth or fifth time in the last year or so that we have been able to collaborate in person on the intersection of technology, theology, and relationships. In this post I would just like to point you towards some resources that you may find helpful as you begin to think more critically on how technology and social media are influencing your life. And I would like to suggest a few tips that you may find helpful in navigating through this issue.

Technology Transforms Us
I have written about this topic numerous times on my blog at rhettsmith.com, and hopefully you will find something helpful there for you to read. I also recommend that you regularly read John Dyer’s blog at Don’t Eat the Fruit. John does some of the best writing at the intersections of technology/theology and technology/relational-practical psychology. Check out one of John’s talks below on how technology is not neutral.

Technology Is Not Neutral: How Bible Technology Shapes Our Faith

View more webinars from John Dyer.

One of the more succinct articles on the topic of the transforming effects of technology on our lives is from New York Times Op-Ed Columnist Charles M. Blow, who has a great round-up of some of the articles and studies of interest, Friends, Neighbors and Facebook.

Last, I want to recommend just a few books with varying themes on the influence of technology in our lives:

The Shallows: What the Internet is Doing to Our Brains by Nicholas Carr

Born Digital: Understanding the First Generation of Digital Natives by John Palfrey and Urs Gasser

Better Off: Flipping the Switch on Technology by Eric Brende

Facebook and Your Marriage by K. Jason Krafsky and Kelli Krafsky

Set Some Technological Boundaries
Most people adopt a technology into their lives without really asking, “How is this technology going to shape me? How is this technology going to change my relationships, or impact my family dynamics? So one of the first boundaries that I think is helpful for individuals and families is to begin with some questions. For example:

Seeking Boundaries Through Questioning

  1. If we give this iPhone to our son and daughter, how may this technology impact how we communicate with them in the future? And are we okay with how it transforms the communication process?
  2. Is the device age appropriate? For example, does my 8 year old really need an cell phone?
  3. If I’m on the computer instead of interacting with my friends, wife, kids, etc., what kind of message is that sending to them? Am I okay with that message, or the their perception of the message that is being sent?
  4. How will my use of social media (Facebook, Twitter, blogs, etc.) impact how I communicate with others?

There are lots and lots of questions that you can ask yourself, or those that you are in relationship with (partner, spouse, family, co-worker, etc.). So begin there. Be creative and explore how the adoption of a technology into your life will transform it. Once you have asked some questions, setting some physical boundaries is helpful. For example:

Setting Physical Boundaries

  1. Set time limits on when a technology can be used. For example, many individuals and families that I know set time boundaries on their use of cell phones and computers, often leaving them off from the time they get home till after the kids are in bed. Some choose to leave them off all night. You don’t have to be legalistic about it, but play around with some ideas. I find it helpful to leave my cell phone off when I come home from work so that I’m focused on my family, especially my daughter who goes to be within an hour or two after I get home. I may decide to check it after she goes to sleep to make sure there is nothing urgent, but I often choose to leave it off till morning so that my wife feels that I’m fully present with her.
  2. Create a physical place where you can put aside your technological devices as a way of saying to one another, “I am present. What matters most is what is happening in front of me, and not what is happening out there.” Some families have been creative in creating spaces such as baskets where every member in the family puts their devices from night until morning. Check out John Dyer’s article, Why You Need a Technology Basket at Home.
  3. Set aside at least one day a week where you strive to be as technology free as possible (I know technology can mean a lot of things, but I’m primarily thinking of computing devices, cell phones, etc, etc.). Do you have a day where you leave your phone off, or don’t check your email? If not, think about setting aside a day to do this. It accomplishes at least two purposes: 1) Signals to yourself, to your family, and to others that you won’t let technology dictate your life (at least one day a week); lets those people know that for at least one day a week you are setting aside time to be fully present with them. 2) Helps one lower technological anxiety (something that many people don’t realize they have until they start to unplug).

These are just a few suggestions to help you begin the process of thinking through this topic. What suggestions do you have?

The influence of technology is a huge topic, and with each passing day more and more information and studies are coming out as we begin to see some of the effects that our new technologies are having on our lives. So now is the time to begin asking questions and setting boundaries–not only in your own life, but helping your friends and family think through this issue.

Mr. Nass at Stanford thinks the ultimate risk of heavy technology use is that it diminishes empathy by limiting how much people engage with one another, even in the same room.

“The way we become more human is by paying attention to each other,” he said. “It shows how much you care.”

That empathy, Mr. Nass said, is essential to the human condition. “We are at an inflection point,” he said. “A significant fraction of people’s experiences are now fragmented.” New York Times: Hooked on Gadgets, and Paying a Mental Price

Men: Put Down the Video Games, Stop Looking at Your Phone, and Turn Off the Computer…It Is Changing You

August 16, 2010 in Marriage-Family, Ministry-Theology, Technology-Social Media, Therapy-Psychology with 7 Comments

The ubiquitous barrage of battery-powered stimuli delivered by phones, computers, and games makes “the chaos of constant connection” an addictive electronic narcotic. As continuous stimulation becomes the new normal, “gaps between moments of heightened stimulation” are disappearing; amusement “has squeezed the boredom out of life.” For the hyperstimulated, “the synaptic mindscape of daily life” becomes all peaks and no valleys.

That quote comes from an article by George Will that my dad emailed to me over the weekend, Boredom and the Costs of Constant Connection. If you haven’t already read the article, I highly suggest that you do.

Will’s article is just the latest in an onslaught of data that has been streaming forth over the last few months talking about the hazards of being continually “plugged in.” It’s obviously a very important topic to me as I have spent the last two posts addressing issues of identity and boundaries in a culture that constantly feels the need to be plugged in, Is Your True Sense Of Self And Identity At Risk As You Navigate An Online World? and Setting Boundaries With Technology Can Help You Maintain Your Sense Of Self And Identity.

If you set boundaries, or keep yourself from continually being plugged in, you will be swimming upstream in this culture it seems. Very few people encourage it, and I think even fewer take the time to thoughtfully reflect on how their constant need for stimulation is impacting them.

The article spends a lot of time talking about the impact constant contact with technology has on adolescent boys, often carrying over to men in adulthood. I concur with the findings as here are three very common findings on find in my own therapy practice.

  1. Men who continue to carry over into adulthood from adolescence their addiction, or high volume usage of video games.  Not only does the time it take to play the games often take the form of neglect in their marriages, family, and friendships, but these men tend to lack some of the social skills and boundary setting of their counterparts. Some guys will wait longer in line for the release of a new video game than they will talking to their wife that week.

  2. Boys whose parents continue to search for a cure for their ADHD and ADD in the form of meds, but do little to help restrict or boundary their kid’s use of technological stimulants.

    Cox doubts it is a mere coincidence that “the stratospheric increase in diagnosed learning and attention deficits” has correlated with “the advent of the electronic playground.” When so many Americans meet the diagnostic criteria for attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder, it “is arguably no longer a disorder at all—it’s just the way we are.”

  3. Couples who come into therapy and are bored with their marriage, yet seek comfort, affirmation, encouragement through the use of technology (FB, text, blog, Twitter, etc), rather than doing the hard work of putting restrictions on their technological use and putting effort into face to face time with their partner.

If you are wondering whether or not your need to constantly look at your phone, play video games, and surf the web is impacting you, I leave you with this statement…..wow!

“Unlike reading and listening to stories,” Cox warns, “the blitz of electronica doesn’t build deeper listening skills or a greater range of emotional expression.” Self-absorption, particularly among young males, may be the greatest danger of immersion in the bath of digital amusement: “Not only does withdrawal into electronica enable them to bypass the confusion and pain of trying to give their emotions some coherence, it also helps them avoid the realities of being a flawed, vulnerable, ordinary human being.” So “the silent, sullen boy at the mall’s game store may be next in line for an underemployed, lonely adulthood if we don’t teach him how to maintain effective social contacts with others.”

Setting Boundaries With Technology Can Help You Maintain Your Sense of Self and Identity

August 11, 2010 in Marriage-Family, Ministry-Theology, Technology-Social Media, Therapy-Psychology with 4 Comments

Last week I shared with you some of my thoughts from my talk at the ECHO Conference. In the post, Is Your True Sense of Self And Identity At Risk As You Navigate An Online World I explored more in depth some of the technological hindrances to self and identity in an online world…so today I want to discuss some basic boundaries you can set with the technology in your life that can help you better maintain your sense of self.

Boundaries
Boundaries are important in all areas of our lives, and they are often not easy things to put into place. Anytime we put a boundary into place with someone (spouse, friend, family, boss) it is more than likely that we will receive some resistance from them. Boundaries are healthy markers that help us understand where we begin and end in relationship with people and things, and without them, we can slowly lose our sense of self in those people and things who prefer to live without boundaries. Boundaries can keep us from being suffocated, swallowed up, or absorbed by other personalities. They help us maintain our identity.

But boundaries don’t begin and end with people, but can and should be applied to things that we use, such as technological tools. If we don’t, we can be suffocated by them as well.

Boundaries are also hard work. You just don’t place a boundary and then sit back and watch it work. Boundaries take constant vigilance, maintenance and perseverance. So don’t expect to begin these boundaries with the technology in your life and expect miracles. They will take hard, daily work to keep them in place. But I promise, once you maintain them, you will see the results in your life.

Boundary Suggestions
Let me now suggest to you some boundaries that I think are helpful. These are boundaries that I have experimented with myself and continue to use. And they are ones that others have found beneficial in their own lives.

  1. Time Limits: Bottom line…you should have a time limit with the amount of time you spend online on your computer, the amount of time you play with your phone, etc.  If you don’t have time limits in place, you can easily get consumed by the technology.  Placing time limits on technology allows you to be in control, and not the other way around.  If you can’t place time limits, then I would say, you probably have some form of addiction to technology.  There are various tools (web apps) that can help you do this, as well as you have the ability to control time limits from your computer server.  Some people say to me, “I work with computers all day, I can’t be offline?”  My response is usually, “Really?  You can’t ever be offline at all?  If that’s the case, then there are other problems.”  You should still be able to set time limits.

  2. Physical (Basket, Car, Closet, etc.): Find some physical thing such as a basket, your car, or a closet to put all of your technological items in at some point in the day.  The physical place is a reminder to set your stuff aside.  It not only reminds you, but it reminds your family as well.  It also serves as a symbol to you, your family, etc, that they are more important than the technology that so often gets in the way of relationships.  They can look over at the basket and be reminded of a family’s priorities.  You can do this various ways, but what works well for me is that we have a tray that I put my phone and computer and other tech items in every night when I walk in the door.  Those items remain in that tray unless I may need them for some reason, but it has to be a good reason…not just browsing or killing time.  One family I know has everyone put their laptops and phones in their basket every night at 9pm, and no one can access the basket till 8am the next morning.  John Dyer has a good post about this, Why You Need A Technology Basket At Home.

  3. Tech Sabbath (Various Rhythms): I am always reminded that God created the earth in six days and then rested on the seventh day.  There was a rhythm of work and rest in his life, yet we seldom feel the need to model this example, instead working or being plugged in all seven days.  I think that an important boundary people can set in relation to their technology is a sabbath.  One day a week…Five to six days a month…Two to three weeks a year…where you are unplugged.  A sabbath is a reminder to us that our life is not dictated by work or technology, but that it is a life given unto God, rather than the tools we use.  I believe everyone should have at least one day a week where they don’t get online, check email, Twitter, FB, blog, etc, etc.  Most people can do this.  It’s rare that you have to/must check email everyday.  Often the inability to unplug from email one day a week says something more about your inability to create healthy boundaries, than it does about the reality of people not really needing you immediately, and as badly as you think.  Experiment with different rhythms, but setting time aside to be unplugged is not only restorative for you, but a great model to your family.  It reminds them of who is the most important…them, not the technology.

  4. Ask Others (Galatians 5:22-23): My favorite professor in seminary said to our class one day, “If you really want to know if I’m someone who lives out the fruit of the spirit that Paul talks about in Galatians, then ask my family who lives with me everyday…don’t take my word for it.”  We often have a false sense of reality.  I may think that I’m good with establishing boundaries with my technology, but that may not really be the case.  The people who would really know would be my wife, my friends, my children, my co-workers, etc.  Go to your spouse, friend, etc. and ask them, “Give me an honest assessment about my use of technology.  Do I have healthy boundaries?  Am I on my phone too much?  Does my use of technology get in the way of our relationship?”  Don’t take your word for it.  Ask others.

  5. Strive for Face to Face: When at all possible, strive to meet with people face to face.  If you can talk face to face, rather than text…do that.  If you can sit down over coffee, rather than email, then do that.  Anytime we have the opportunity to meet face to face, take the opportunity.  You can read about my attempts in 2009 to take my online community offline, and in person.

  6. Experiment/Be Creative: You know your life, and your use of technology better than me.  So be creative and experiment with some different boundaries you can establish.

The better able we are to establish healthy boundaries with our technology, the better able we are to be ourselves, and maintain our identities in a world that is asking us to surrender it to all the latest technology.

What are some boundaries you have established with your technology?  What area are you struggling in the most when it comes to setting healthy boundaries with your technology?

Is Your True Sense Of Self And Identity At Risk As You Navigate An Online World?

August 4, 2010 in Marriage-Family, Ministry-Theology, Technology-Social Media, Therapy-Psychology with 9 Comments

Last week I had the opportunity to speak at the ECHO Conference in Dallas for the first time, and for my topic I decided to address an issue that I have been wrestling with for quite some time — Not Losing Yourself in Social Media. It’s a topic that has been near and dear to my heart as I have continually struggled to maintain my sense of self and identity in an online world. I know that If I’m not careful I can easily get caught up in the online identities that I construct for myself, or that I allow for others to distort/enhance/exaggerate for me.

There were lots of different aspects of this idea that I shared with the audience, but I wanted to share a portion of it with you today.

I want to begin with some of the online challenges to maintaining our identity, and in the next post I will follow up with some boundaries that we can implement that may be helpful for you in maintaining your identity and fostering your sense of self.

Longing for Face to Face
I love Paul’s words in I Corinthians 13:12, “Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully. Even as I am fully known.” We have this longing desire to see others face to face, and to be fully known by others. For now that desire is distorted as we only get a poor glimmer of who we are. But we are longing really to be seen for who we are — for others to love us and accept in everything that they see.

But the dilemma for many in a technological driven culture is that instead of in person, face to face relational contact, we often settle for a cheaper version of it. We often would rather limit our face to face through a technological tool, often with social media acting as the medium. We would rather email, chat, text, tweet and use Apple’s Face to Face, then to have the real encounter.  We believe that the version we can construct of ourselves through technology is better, or maybe more likable to others.  In the exchange we slowly begin the process of losing our true self.

The problem is that our best opportunity for really being known, for really allowing others to see us “face to face” is when we are in direct, unmediated relation with one another. I love the declaration of Adam in Genesis 2:23 when he at last declares that he has found “bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh.” It’s in Adam’s encounter with the other that he moves from “earth creature” to “man.” Adam becomes himself.

It is in our encounter with others in our lives, unmediated by technology, that I believe we have the fullest opportunity to become, and to be ourselves. To claim our true self that God created, and live out our identity in Christ.

The Technological Hindrances to Identity and Self
There is lots of literature on the topic of technology and its influence on identity, and I believe that even more is being written as we begin to see more readily the effects of its use on our daily lives.  Both the intended and unintended consequences.  But four theories that I have read up on and that I think are helpful in understanding the challenges that technology can pose to our identity come from the following:

  1. Albert Borgmann’s “device paradigm” which stems from his 1964 work, Technology and the Character of Contemporary Life (HT: to John Dyer for introducing me to this).  A device is a technological process available at the press of a button.  Because of this we often don’t see the processes being performed.  As it gets more and more complex it begins to compress the process.  For example, picking a burger up at fast food has compressed the process/relationship that used to exist in making/getting/eating a burger.  This process happens to relationships as well.  Technological processes like a follow/unfollow on Twitter, or a like/unlike on Facebook compresses relationships.  Without the process, and the interaction with the other, we begin to lose our sense of self.



  2. Kenneth Gergen’s “saturated self” which derives from his 1991 book, The Saturated Self: Dilemmas of Identity in Contemporary Life. In short, Gergen states that in the formation of relationships we often use mediating technologies (i.e. cell phones, internet, computer based applications, etc.) — and if we lack an inner core/identity, then we experience what he calls multiphrenia (identities that are shaped/formed by too many choices of self expression).  Ultimately that process gives us what Gergen calls the “saturated self” which is when our self exists as a collection of external images (i.e. online profiles, platforms, flickr images, avatars, blog logos, etc.).


  3. Andrew F. Wood’s and Michael J. Smith’s “mediated self” which comes from their 2004 book, Online Communication: Linking Technology, Identity, and Culture.  In the book they say “the ‘mediated self’ constructs a sense of ‘who I am,’ through interaction with others through various media.” Simply, you construct your sense of identity through the lens of the media you use (blog, Twitter, Facebook, Flickr, FourSquare, etc.)


  4. David Schnarch’s “reflected sense of self” from his book, Passionate Marriage: Keeping Love and Intimacy Alive in Committed Relationships. In his book he says “When we have little differentiation our identity is constructed out of what’s called a ‘reflected sense of self’. We need continual contact, validation, and consensus (or disagreement) from others. This leaves us unable to maintain a clear sense of who we are in shifting or uncertain circumstances. We develop a contingent identity based on a ‘self-in-relationship.’” This “reflected sense of self” is often what drives one partner into an affair, because they like and desire the “reflected sense of self” the affair partner reflects back to them, then the reality that the spouse presents.  This can happen in social media very easily as we often hop online, liking our “reflected sense of self” we receive from the online identities we have constructed and the adoration that they receive from others.  Many choose to have an affair with their online life and social media world, at the expense of their spouse and family.

As you look at just four of the theories that can present challenges to us living out of our true selves in an online world, do any of them resonate with you?  Do you see yourself struggling with any particular issue?

Stay tuned for the next post when I will talk about some of the boundaries that you can implement in your own life to help you stay grounded as you navigate the online world.

College Students and Empathy: Can Social Media Create a Bystander Effect That Can Inhibit One’s Compassion?

June 2, 2010 in Technology-Social Media, Therapy-Psychology with 9 Comments

Compassion on the Decline Among College Students

A new study finds that today’s college students are not as empathetic as college students of the 1980s and ’90s.

University of Michigan researchers analyzed data on empathy collected from almost 14,000 college students over the last 30 years.

“We found the biggest drop in empathy after the year 2000,” said Sara Konrath, a researcher at the U-M Institute for Social Research.

“College kids today are about 40 percent lower in empathy than their counterparts of 20 or 30 years ago, as measured by standard tests of this personality trait.”

If the data in this research is accurate enough to extrapolate across college students in general, then I consider myself really blessed to have served alongside some of the most compassionate people during my seven years on staff as the college pastor at Bel Air Presbyterian Church in Los Angeles. So in my own experience this research doesn’t match my reality, but then again I was serving as a college pastor where students were striving to serve God and to serve others in a myriad of ways.

In this 30 year study, researchers have hypothesized several reasons why they think college students in the last 10 years are less compassionate, and less able to empathize, than those students in previous decades.

  1. “The increase in exposure to media during this time period could be one factor,” Konrath said.
  2. The recent rise of social media may also play a role in the drop in empathy, suggests O’Brien.  “The ease of having ‘friends’ online might make people more likely to just tune out when they don’t feel like responding to others’ problems, a behavior that could carry over offline,” he said.“
  3. College students today may be so busy worrying about themselves and their own issues that they don’t have time to spend empathizing with others, or at least perceive such time to be limited,” O’Brien said.“College students today may be so busy worrying about themselves and their own issues that they don’t have time to spend empathizing with others, or at least perceive such time to be limited,” O’Brien said.

One of the questions that I asked in the recent post, Technology: Connected, Yet Lonelier Than Ever, was:

I wonder if technology and social media has compressed our relationships into a process that we can barely recognize?

So on the one hand, there is something cool and convenient with clicking a button online that brings us into contact with a person. But on the other hand, the ease and convenience has disconnected us from the process of relationship making.

Has all the technology relationally disconnected us in a sense, replacing the processes (befriending, getting to know each other, sharing life, etc), where instead we just value the end results (number of followers, blog traffic, etc.)

Can social media allows us to keep others at an arm’s length from one another? This can definitely happen in real life as well, but I wonder if social media can exacerbate the bystander effect when it comes to empathizing with others and being compassionately involved? (For a look at some of the more infamous examples of this effect, check out 10 Notorious Cases of the Bystander Effect.

Of course, I could now show you all the wonderful examples of where people have used social media as a means to demonstrate compassion to others. Think of the earthquake in Haiti. The floods in Nashville. The protests in Iran. Etc. Etc.

I guess the question for researchers (and for us) is, are we able to move beyond showing our compassion to others through a click of the button (though there is nothing wrong with that and I hope people keep doing that), and move into situations that may demand more of us than clicking buttons and counting followers?

Maybe this is why each of us plays a various role in the body of Christ? When the body of Christ is working together harmoniously (some online getting involved, others ‘on the ground’ in person involved, others sending money and resources, etc.) it is an unstoppable force.

The Continuing Work in Haiti

June 1, 2010 in Ministry-Theology, Technology-Social Media with 1 Comment

This last February I had the opportunity to travel to Haiti with Adventures in Missions and some really amazing people. You can read some of the posts that I wrote about that experience here. I was hoping to get back to Haiti by this point, but I had to decline a chance to head back there this last week…but some great people did get to go, and I want you to get a glimpse of what they have been up to.

I received this note from Mark Oestreicher:

we’re launching the church to church partnership program. it’s an opportunity for american churches to have a 1:1 partnership with a haitian church for prayer, encouragement, assistance and trips (to bring people to haiti to help in rebuilding). we have about 1000 haitian pastors in a database now, and will be working to pair up those who show a great desire to serve their communities. part of this effort (and what would be wonderful if you could mention) is that we’re trying to raise $35,000 to fund the salaries of 3 haitian church leaders who will run this program from the haitian side (bringing oversight, administration, communication and accountability).

Here are some links to see what they are up to/and what they have been up to and how you can help out.

The Giving Project
Facebook Group
Twitter Feed

Are We Fooling Ourselves To Think Intimacy Can Be Created Online Through Social Media?

May 19, 2010 in Marriage-Family, Ministry-Theology, Technology-Social Media with 23 Comments


[image by Jesse Millan]


In the last year I have blogged on the topics of ambient intimacy/ambient awareness, as well as some of the discussion involving the use of technology in fostering intimacy. I was a big fan of this topic, and a believer in the use of technology in fostering intimacy. Especially how the sharing of minor details in our life online can create a sense of belonging and togetherness.

I have experienced in my own life how the sharing of myself online via Twitter, Facebook, my blog, etc. have brought me closer to those I am contact with online. Numerous are the times that I have been able to sit down at coffee with someone I met online, and it felt like we had been friends for a long time because we knew so much about each other through our online sharing.

But can technology and social media create intimacy? That I am no longer sure of.

What has me thinking about this recently is this excerpt from David Schnarch’s Passionate Marriage where he talks about the pitfalls of other-validated intimacy in marriages (versus self-validation which is central to one achieving a healthy level of differentiation). Here is what Schnarch says:

3. Other-validated intimacy is inherently limiting because it leads to self-presentation rather than self-disclosure. When you need a reflected sense of yourself and acceptance/validation from your partner, your most important priority becomes getting the response you want. To accomplish this less than virtuous goal, you start misrepresenting, omitting, and shading information about who you really are (self-presentation), rather than disclosing the full range of yourself (intimacy). Self-presentation is the opposite of intimacy; it is a charade rather than an unmasking.

Self-presentation is one way we adapt to our partner’s differences in order to reduce our anxiety. Unfortunately, it never provides the security and acceptance we crave, because we know our partner never really knows us. Attempts to cajole someone into making us feel secure only make us insecure, the same way trying to protect ourselves through other-validated intimacy offers no real protection at all. Self-presentation creates an inherent paradox that sets the typical marital squirrel cage spinning. And as you’ll see in a few minutes, self-presentation brings us one step closer to emotional gridlock.
–Passionate Marriage: Keeping Love & Intimacy Alive in Committed Relationships (David Schnarch)

Social media is a great tool for other-validation intimacy, or why else would people obsessively track their blog stats, Twitter follower numbers and number of Facebook fans? It’s a form of other-validating intimacy. It’s a way that one seeks affirmation and validation. And have you ever seen more low-level anxiety in people than when they begin to worry about their online persona and statistics? I’ve noticed it in myself.

But is it intimacy, or is it really self-presentation? How much do we omit things about us when we create our online persona for others to see?

I would argue that even the people that present themselves, and come across to others as humble, authentic and “real” are still using a form of self-presentation since it’s something they have created on their own. It’s what they want others to see of them. But it may really not be what others truly see. We are rarely completely honest with ourselves, because we are often unaware and blind to our own shortcomings and issues. That’s why true intimacy in a relationship involves the unmasking of ourselves, often by the other we are in relationship with. True intimacy involves conflict and pushing through anxiety. It involves being able to stand on our own two feet, rather than constantly needing the propping up of ourselves by our partner.

Social media allows us to create a reflected sense of ourselves through the mirroring of online affirmation we receive from others. True intimacy in a relationship doesn’t allow us to create a reflected sense of ourselves, but requires us to see and been seen for who we truly are. Blemishes and all.

I think even those that attempt to be real online can/are still masquerading behind a created sense of self that is fueled by online other validation. I sometimes wonder about those who are constantly talking about the need to be real, or authentic. That can be as much a distorted sense of self as those they castigate.

When this makes sense, you will slowly begin to see the powerful drive that allows technology to fuel so many online affairs and inappropriate relationships.

Perhaps I’m writing this post because I first noticed it in myself. Becoming aware is the first step. It is only when we are aware, that then can we take action to live more healthy lives online.
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