Category archives: Marriage

  • 'Oneness': When Two Become Three

  • I've been thinking a lot about marriage these last few weeks for several reasons. Whether it is with the couples I work with, or my own personal marriage...I have come to realize that we just can't do marriage on our own. We can throw all the tools at it we want, but at the end of the day it takes a supernatural power that you or I are not equipped with. So as I have thought about my own marriage [...]
  • Exclusion as a Violation of the Self

  • Last week I came across this article that stated, being ignored is worse than being bullied. I had to stop and think about that statement for a second. Nevermind the article and the research, I wanted to just think about that statement, especially since we hear so much about bullying in the media these days. I can't come out and say one is worse than the other...they are both painful experie[...]
  • What Are You and Your Spouse Really Fighting About?

  • I've posted before that when couples fight, the argument is rarely about the issue. We think we are talking about money. Or sex. Or parenting. Or in-laws. But it rarely is about those things. Before long (usually within a few seconds) we are questioning whether or not we are valued or have worth. We are questioning whether or not we are loved and accepted. We are wondering if we are a failu[...]
  • Healing Our Disconnection

  • "I want to think more about what connecting is and why I believe it is at the center of powerful relationships. If connecting is at the center of healing, then disconnecting must be at the core of what needs healing. In our therapeutic way of thinking, we're more inclined to regard emotional forces, often unconscious, as the culprit behind the problems we face. Psychological dynamics active dee[...]
  • Terry Hargrave on Couple's Therapy and Changing our Brain

  • Four years ago I was presented with an amazing opportunity that changed the way I thought about marriage (my own and the couples I work with), and how I work with couple's in a therapeutic context. I went up to The Hideaway Experience in Amarillo, Texas to observe a 4-Day Marriage intensive. What I was a part of changed my life. In fact, I blogged about that first intensive here. I have a lot more[...]
  • How Your Self-Reactivity Harms Relationships

  • "Somehow, even though we know that certain thoughts and behaviors are bad for us and are rooted in our own self-reactivity [negative patterns of coping], we return to those behaviors and usually find that these actions further assault our identities as human beings and our sense of closeness and safety in relationships. Old ideas die hard." (The Anxious Christian, pp. 93, Rhett Smith -- quotin[...]
  • Can You Stand on Your Own Two Feet in a Relationship?

  • I think David Schnarch's work on marriage and the concept of differentiation in relationships is life transforming. The idea of differentiation is not his, nor is it new. But his work Passionate Marriage has transformed my life in many ways, and continues to transform many of the couples that I work with. As a Christian, there are some nuances for me when it comes to differentiation (check out[...]
  • Sex, Intimacy and Belonging in Marriage

  • "A sociologist once observed that the prevalence of intimacy themes in mass media, pop psychology, and 'alternative lifestyles' suggests that were driven by hunger for intimate union. It may look like this on the surface, but my clinical work helped me realize that there's actually something else going on. We're driven by something that makes us look like we crave intimacy, but in fact we're after[...]
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