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Can Depression Offer Us a Gift?

February 6, 2012 in Marriage-Family, Pastoral Counseling, Therapy-Psychology with 0 Comments

In Thomas Moore’s book, Care of the Soul, he writes eloquently about the gift that depression may offer people. It’s an opportunity to embrace emotions that we often don’t deal with, leading us to a better understanding of ourselves and how we want to direct our life. Though he acknowledges that depression can become debilitating to many people, he still posits the idea that there is a side to it (even in the most extremes cases of debilitation) that can be a gift to us, and that as friends and family of someone who is depressed, we play a crucial role. Moore writes:

“When as counselors and friends, we are the observers of depression and are challenged to find a way to deal with it in others, we could abandon the monotheistic notion that life always has to be cheerful, and be instructed by melancholy. We could learn from its qualities and follow its lead, become more patient in its presence, lowering our excited expectations, taking a watchful attitude as this soul deals with its fate in utter seriousness and heaviness. In our friendship, we could offer it a place of acceptance and containment.”

Depression is a very important topic that is often not talked about, especially when it strikes men. But in in our silence on the matter many men are not able to find the help they need. My hope is that the posts I have written the last couple of weeks on this topic have at least peeled back some of the veil of silence and helped you to begin to think more on this issue…especially if you have a loved one in your life who is suffering from it.

Check out my last three articles on the topic:

The Angry…I Mean, Depressed Male: Do You Know Him?

Communication: What ‘To Say’ And ‘Not To’ Say To A Depressed Man

Pressed to the Ground: A Theological Re-Frame of Depression

And though there are many books on this subject, here are three that I have found to be helpful and insightful.

Unmasking Male Depression: Recognizing the Root Cause to Many Problem Behaviors Such as Anger, Resentment, Abusiveness, Silence, Addictions, and Sexual Compulsiveness by Archibald Hart

I Don’t Want to Talk About It: Overcoming the Secret Legacy of Male Depression by Terence Real

Let Your Life Speak: Listening for the Voice of Vocation by Parker Palmer

Communication: What ‘To Say’ And ‘Not To’ Say To A Depressed Man

January 24, 2012 in Marriage-Family, Therapy-Psychology with 7 Comments

“What is the most important thing you can do for a depressed husband, father, or son? Without a doubt it is to communicate love and acceptance to them with all the power you can muster, and to avoid blaming them or being judgmental about their depression. Your loved one has not chosen to be depressed. If he could, he would gladly give it up. Disappointing as this truth may be, try to accept his depression in your life with grace.” (Unmasking Male Depression by Archibald Hart, pp. 227)

After my last post on male depression I have been receiving a steady stream of questions from people about what to do if a male they know is depressed (their husband, father, son, friend, etc.). Keep in mind that there is no correct way to go about being with, or communicating with someone who is depressed. Each person’s experience of depression is very unique to them (though there are very similar characteristics that we could extrapolate). So take the pressure off of yourself to try and fix the situation, because it’s not something you can fix.

One of the places to begin is in how we communicate with a male who is depressed. And again for guidance I lean on some of the suggestions of Archibald Hart. He states that it is helpful to keep some of these guidelines in mind:

“Listen to more than words. One of the biggest mistakes you can make is to pay too much attention to what is said, and not to what is meant. Depressed men can say some pretty nasty things. They can be mean in what they say, but they don’t necessarily mean what they say.”

“Make time to talk. A depressed man will want to draw back into his shell. He will certainly not be the one to initiate talking–so be prepared to do it. Set aside a particular time so that he won’t be taken by surprise (say over dinner), then allow him not to talk if that is what he wants.”

“Try to listen more than talk. Perhaps the most important thing you can do for your depressed loved one is listen. Romans 12:5 tells us to ‘weep with them that weep’ and listening is as good as, if not better than, our biggest tears.”

“Try to reflect back what he is saying. Often what someone says or doesn’t say is not what they really want to say.”

Be sensitive to how his ego has been affected. The male ego is a powerful thing. It will have already been damaged by the depression, so don’t damage it anymore.”

One of the communication skills that I like to experiment in therapy with couples can be helpful in a situation such as this. First, mark a time on the schedule where you both agree to talk. For the person who wants to talk this scheduling alleviates some anxiety, confusion, and wondering about whether or not time to talk will ever take place. And for the man who is reticent about talking, it frees him up from being hounded to talk, and from being surprised by an impromptu talk at the wrong moment. Second, put time constraints on the conversation. For example, bring a timer to the conversation and set it for 15 minutes. Knowing how long the talk will be may relieve the pressure a depressed man feels about talking. It also keeps a boundary around the conversation so that it doesn’t start to “rabbit trail” in a variety of non-helpful and even painful directions. Third, in the allotted time given (better to start small, 5-15 minutes and build when he is ready to talk more), use the space to allow him to talk about how he is feeling (say 2-3 minutes). And then reflect back what you heard (say 2-3 minutes). And then allow him to affirm whether or not you understood him correctly (2-3 minutes). Done. No trying to solve the depression for him. No trying to fix it for him. See this short time of connection as a building block to future health.

In closing, I am going to cite some statements by Archibald Hart concerning what are helpful and not helpful things to say to a depressed man:

“The Best Things You Can Say To The Depressed Man In Your Life” (pp. 231)

“I love you and always will because you are important to me.”

“I can’t really feel what you are feeling, but I want to understand.”

“The best I can offer you right now is to be your friend.”

“You don’t have to apologize for the way you feel, because I know you can’t really control it.”

“You are not alone in this; I will stay by you until it’s over.”

“This won’t last forever, and when it’s over we’ll sing God’s praises together.”

“God isn’t causing this. He wants to help you bear it.”

“Some of God’s greatest servants have also suffered from depression–and God helped them through it.”

Those are some things that Hart feels would be helpful things to say. Again, you know the depressed man in your life better than anyone, so you will need to weigh those statements and take in to consideration if they would be helpful or not. Depending where I was in a depression, I would find some of the statements above helpful, and others not so much.

Hart continues:

“The Worst Things You Can Say To The Depressed Man In Your Life” (pp. 235)

“Get your life together; you are a man and can control yourself if you try.”

“God isn’t pleased with your life at the moment. Maybe you have unforgiven sin.”

“Stop feeling so sorry for yourself and just try a little harder.”

“I don’t know how much more of this I can take. You are driving me crazy.”

“Remember that there are many people in this world who are worse off than you.”

“I’m beginning to think that it was a mistake for me to marry you.”

“You should stop seeing those quacks and taking those pills because they’re changing your brain.”

“Believe me, I know how you feel because I was depressed once and I didn’t make a meal of it.”

I pretty much can’t imagine where any of the statements above would be helpful at any time.

If you are a man suffering from depression I encourage you to get help from a professional counselor. And if you know a male suffering from depression, I encourage you to walk alongside of that person during this difficult journey and to help them get the resources and professional help that they need.

The Angry…I Mean, Depressed Male: Do You Know Him?

January 19, 2012 in Marriage-Family, Therapy-Psychology with 12 Comments

Over the last several months when I have gathered for lunch with a few of my friends, we joke about the idea of me writing a follow up book to The Anxious Christian called The Angry Christian. Don’t worry, that is not on my to do list, but our conversation hints at an issue that can be seen in our Christian culture.

If you haven’t noticed, there seems to be a lot of angry Christians out there. And more often than not, they are men.

But what I’m really wondering is if there isn’t just a bunch of depressed Christian men out there…and really, men in general.

In the book Unmasking Male Depression, Archibald Hart lists off a few statistics (pp. 3):

80 percent of all suicides in the United States are men
The male suicide rate at midlife is three times higher than at other times; for men over 65, it is seven times higher
20 million American men will experience depression sometime in their life
60-80 percent of depressed adults never get professional help, and men are at the top of the list here
It can take up to ten years and exposure to at least three mental health professionals to properly diagnose this disorder
80-90 percent of men seeking treatment can get relief from their symptoms

This book was published in 2001, so I wonder what the statistics are today. Certainly higher I would imagine.

More and more men are coming into my office these days because they complain that they just don’t seem to know what is wrong with them. But when a man finds himself in my office I want to communicate to them that it is a huge step of courage on their part. Many men do not reach out for help, so if they take the step to call and actually come in, then I know something is seriously wrong. Hart writes (pp. 8):

“Being a man can be hazardous to your health, especially when you have to maintain your masculine identity at all costs. Generally, men are less willing to admit to depression because they believe, irrationally, that being depressed is a sign of weakness. They are also less likely to want to discuss the topic, for fear, I suppose, that they may discover something about themselves that they don’t like–that they are less manly than they think they are. Depression, the subliminal male self-believes, is a ‘feminine’ problem, so therefore, I cannot be depressed. It’s only logical, so don’t even suggest the idea.”

So maybe underneath all that anger is a man who really needs some help. Maybe you are that man. If you are, then one of the biggest acts of courage that you can do is to reach out for help. You are not alone.

And if you know a male who is struggling with depression, maybe there are some ways that you can come alongside of him and encourage him get the help he needs.

So what are some signs of male depression, since it so often looks different than female depression. Again, I turn to Archibald Hart for some good insight (pp. 29):

Blames others for his depression
Acts on his inner turmoil
Needs to maintain control at all costs
Overly hostile, irritable
Attacks when hurt
Tries to fix the depression by problem solving
Turns to sports, TV, sex, alcohol
Feels ashamed by depression
Becomes compulsive, time keeper
Terrified to confront weakness
Tries to maintain strong male image
Tries to act away his depression
Turns to alcoholism and other addictions

This last summer my father and step-mom spent a month on a small lake in Minnesota. When my dad returned home he commented on how each day he could sit outside and hear all around the lake conversations of men who were sitting in their fishing boats all day fishing. My dad wondered if that type of male bonding wasn’t a form of therapy for them. Whether it was fishing, hunting, or playing sports together, maybe that is a way and a place for men to emotionally connect and process that anger, anxiety, depression and other emotions they were experiencing.

But we are living in a society that has become increasingly fractured and fast paced and men might be losing the ability to connect. And technology that men so often love may actually create a disconnection and with that disconnection comes a sense of loneliness that can foster depression.

I don’t have all the answers, but I do know this. For every angry man I come across in life, I now ask myself, “Is he depressed?”

New Directions: 5 Changes in My Life and Career

November 11, 2011 in Marriage-Family, Ministry-Theology, Pastoral Counseling, Therapy-Psychology, Writing with 2 Comments

The last year and a half of my life has been a complete whirlwind. That’s the best word that I can use to describe all the things that have been going on.

So today, I’m excited to announce several different events and changes that have happened and that are on the horizon.

First: As many of you already know, I signed a book deal with Moody Publishers back in March. The manuscript has been completed (edits and all), and is on its final leg before it hits the e readers in February (I believe), and the bookshelves on March 1. I’m thankful for everyone who has been involved in this process. If you are interested, you can pre-order your copy of The Anxious Christian: Can God Use Your Anxiety for Good?

Second: I resigned my job from HopeWorks Counseling one month ago, and I’m excited to announce that I have ventured off into a new practice at Auxano Counseling. This move allows me to really focus on several things that I’m excited about. So if you need/want counseling, or know someone who does, I am now taking referrals at my new practice. Auxano is located in the beautiful Willow Bend Wellness Building in Plano, TX, and I’m excited to be a part of the great practitioners in that building.

Third: I have officially launched a new counseling website that better conveys the three things I’m passionate about–therapy, writing, and speaking/teaching. Check out the site and the beautiful design by Ryan Smith. If you are wanting a new site, I recommend Ryan.

Fourth: I’ve launched a new monthly newsletter that you can subscribe to. Each month you will receive information, tips and resources on a variety of topics such as family, marriage, anxiety, emerging adulthood, transitions, youth ministry and more.

Fifth: I’m currently in the midst of working on a new self-care/counseling group that is for youth pastors. The group will launch in Jan/Feb. (in Plano, TX) of 2012 and will equip youth pastors in better understanding who they are (identity issues), how to set proper boundaries, manage their emotional reactivity, practice self-care, take care of their marriages/family, etc, etc. Stay tuned for more details. If you are interested in being a part of this limited group of 6-8 youth pastors, please send me an email.

Thanks for all of your support and encouragement in my endeavors.

Steve Jobs, John Wesley, and How Pursuing Opportunities Often Come at Great Cost to Our Personal and Family Lives

October 10, 2011 in Marriage-Family, Ministry-Theology, Therapy-Psychology with 4 Comments

The annals of history are filled with people who have done great things (inventions, writings, art, building, etc.) at great cost to their personal and family life.

So it was not a surprise when I read Steve Jobs’ biographer Walter Isaacson say the following:

Mr Jobs then explained why, despite his famous reclusiveness, he had decided to co-operate with a biographer…

“I wanted my kids to know me,” Mr Isaacson recalled Mr Jobs saying, in a posthumous tribute the biographer wrote for Time magazine. “I wasn’t always there for them, and I wanted them to know why and to understand what I did.”

I was really struck by that statement “I wanted my kids to know me.”

You and I may never invent something like the iPhone, but everyday we are given the choice to pursue opportunities that pull us farther away from our kids and spouse…family — or to say no to opportunities that pull us away from them. And instead make decisions that enrich our families and the lives of our kids.

I wrote this post not as a moral indictment on what choices we make in regards to how we choose to live our family lives…but more so that we understand there is often great cost to our families when we pursue certain endeavors.

Often these choices get even more murky coming in the form of ministry as well. It’s not hard to find historical records and stories of great men and women of God who have left a huge mark on Christianity with their writings and ministries, but who have left a wake of destruction in their personal and family lives.

For example, I remember hearing in my Church history class of the bad marriage and family life of the famous cleric and theologian John Wesley. We can thank him for the legacy he has left, but there was a personal and family cost to getting there.

Are you willing to sacrifice your personal and family life for your pursuits?

People can still pursue opportunities of great cost, and follow God at great cost…without destroying their families in the process. Perhaps we need to pay attention to, and become better at discerning which opportunities allow us to continue to foster our marriages and families in the process, and which ones could be lethal to them.

Encountering the Other in Sacred Space

September 11, 2011 in Marriage-Family, Therapy-Psychology with 3 Comments

“Our relationship lives in the space between us – it doesn’t live in me or in you or even in the dialogue between the two us – it lives in the space we live together and that space is sacred space.” –Martin Buber

Such a beautiful quote by the Jewish philosopher Martin Buber, who is probably best known for his amazing work I and Thou.

But what is that space between us?

It’s hard to wrap our hands around it, and to really grasp what it is.

I feel it in therapy sessions when a client shares something so personal, or has a new sense of awareness, that you can’t help but stop and just honor what has just been said or has taken place. Honor that sacred moment.

I feel it in those connections with my wife when we are able to be two completely differentiated and free beings, in a mutually reciprocating relationship.

It’s most elegantly and perfectly found in the sacred space between members of the Trinity–Father, Son, and Spirit. I like how theologian Miroslav Volf writes of this concept:

Perichoresis refers to the reciprocal interiority of the trinitarian persons. In every divine person as a subject, the other persons also indwell; all mutually permeate one another, though in doing so they do not cease to be distinct persons. In fact, the distinctions between them are precisely the presupposition of that interiority, since persons who have dissolved into one another cannot exist in one another. Perichoresis is ‘co-inherence in one another without any coalescence or commixture.’ (After Our Likeness: The Church as the Image of the Trinity, pp. 209).

It’s hard to define as you can see. But think of the implications of this concept in our lives if we truly believe we are made in the image of God (Genesis 1:26).

I think it’s so hard to define and see because we haven’t done the personal work to enter into those spaces with others. Or we perhaps “pollute” that space with things as clinical psychologist Hedy Schleifer points out in this wonderful TED presentation, The Power of Connection.

This video is worth your 20 minutes as she talks about how to encounter the “other” in that “sacred space.”

“Love consists of this: two solitudes that meet, protect and greet each other. ”
― Rainer Maria Rilke

Shane and Shane on the Father-Daughter Relationship and God (and win their new album here)

August 17, 2011 in Marriage-Family, Pastoral Counseling, Therapy-Psychology with 51 Comments

Your daughter needs God. And she wants you to be the one to show her who He is, what He is like, and what He thinks about her. She wants to believe that there is more to life than what she sees with her eyes and hears with her ears. She wants to know that there exists someone who is smarter, more capable, and more loving than (even) you. If you are a normal, healthy father, you should be glad that she wants to believe in someone larger, because you know all too well that many times you will fail her. You forget her recital, miss games because of business trips, or lose your temper and say painful things to her. You are just a normal, good-enough dad doing the best you can. You need to have someone behind you, someone your daughter can turn to when you’re not there. You both need a bigger, better father on your side. (Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters, by Meg Meeker, pp. 176)

When I came across Shane and Shane’s amazing new record and title song The One You Need and watched their video…it left me in a tearful and emotional place.

I’m the father of a four year old girl that I absolutely love and adore with everything that I have and all that I am.

And yet…everything I have to offer her, and everything that I am to her…at the end of the day is just not enough.

There has to be something more for her in this life…and so when I read the lyrics of the song I found myself resonating with it and saying, “Yes, yes, yes.”

Meg Meeker in her amazing book, Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters: 10 Secrets Every Father Should Know — and in her chapter Teach Her Who God Is talks about the importance of fathers teaching daughters about who God is. (By the way, this is the best book on fathers/daughters and one I can’t recommend enough)

Shane and Shane’s lyrics reminded me as well that as a father my most important role is to teach my daughter who God is….end of story.

Hey, hey, sweet daughter
I am so proud to be your father
Each day’s like a gift from God.

Hey hey sweet daughter
There’s no music like your laughter
And your smile is like a rising sun.

You know I love you from the start
So come in close take my hand
While daddy shares his heart.

I wish that I could be your everything
Be the one who give you all the things you need
Sometimes I am gonna let you down
But there is a way if you just believe
He’ll be your hero like He’s always been for me
Daughter Jesus is the one you need.

No matter what you walk through
He will always love you
Just the way you are.

for there’s nothing in this world
There all for my baby girl
Until be happy ever after.

The history at your life still untold
I pray the King of all the universe, will make your heart His home.

(Chorus)

Who will never leave spending it all alone
All in your where you came fight to Lord.

Shane and Shane have been so kind to offer up their new album to 5 commenters on this blog post. Here’s how it will work:

Leave a comment below answering the question:

What do you think is the most important piece of advice that a father needs to know about raising a daughter?

You have till this Friday (August 19, 2011) at 12pm Central time to post your comment and then I will randomly draw five commenter’s names and contact you with the code for a free purchase of their new album. So don’t forget to put your email in the comment section below.

And in the meantime….if you can’t wait to see if you win, check out their new album or connect with the guys online.

Twitter

Facebook

YouTube

Marriage: The Two Becoming One Is Not What You Think…

August 16, 2011 in Marriage-Family, Pastoral Counseling, Therapy-Psychology with 4 Comments

[image by The Welsh Poppy]

Differentiation is a natural process in committed relationships that involves developing more of a self while growing closer to your partner. Men often sacrifice their relationship to hold onto their sense of self. Women often sacrifice their sense of self to stabilize their relationship. Differentiation is about having it both ways: having a stronger sense of self and a stronger relationship. (An Interview with Dr. David Schnarch)

Over the last couple of weeks there has been some back and forth online debate about writer Donald Miller’s two blog posts that eventually led to this post by him, How to Delete a Good Love Story — and writer Rachel Held Evans’ response with this blog post My Story Is More Interesting Than That.

It was pretty fascinating watching the online exchange and perusing through all of the online comments. Obviously as a Christian community we are often divided on what relationships and marriages look like. More specifically we tend to be divided on the roles and boundaries between men and women in relationship with one another.

I think that this is a fascinating topic and it’s one that is often at the forefront of my work with couples in counseling — and for that matter the Christian counseling/therapy community is divided as well.

As I was following some of this online conversation I was reminded of the words of two of my favorite poets….The Bohemian-Austrian poet Rainer Maria Rilke and the Lebanese American poet "http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kahlil_Gibran">Kahlil Girban.

One of the things that has drawn me to these two poets, especially when they write on love and marriage is the way in which they speak of relational boundaries, specifically what we talk of in marriage therapy as differentiation (paraphrasing David Schnarch: knowing where one begins, and one ends. Or the balance between one’s desire for belonging/relationship, and the desire for freedom/independence). This has always been intriguing to me, but even more so as I work with couples in therapy.

Knowing where one begins, and one ends in a relationship/marriage, as well as the balance between one’s desire for belonging and independence is something that I think Rilke and Gibran capture beautifully:

Rilke on Marriage…

“The point of marriage is not to create a quick commonality by tearing down all boundaries; on the contrary, a good marriage is one in which each partner appoints the other to be the guardian of his solitude, and thus they show each other the greatest possible trust. A merging of two people is an impossibility, and where it seems to exist, it is a hemming-in, a mutual consent that robs one party or both parties of their fullest freedom and development. But once the realization is accepted that even between the closest people infinite distances exist, a marvelous living side-by-side can grow up for them, if they succeed in loving the expanse between them, which gives them the possibility of always seeing each other as a whole and before an immense sky.”

……….

“To love is good, too: love being difficult.

For one human being to love another: that is perhaps the most difficult of all our tasks, the ultimate, the last test and proof, the work for which all other work is but preparation.

For this reason young people, who are beginners in everything, cannot yet know love: they have to learn it.

With their whole being, with all their forces, gathered close about their lonely, timid, upward-beating heart, they must learn to love.

But learning-time is always a long, secluded time, and so loving, for a long while ahead and far on into life, is–solitude, intensified and deepened loneness for him who loves.

Love is at first not anything that means merging, giving over, and uniting with another (for what would a union be of something unclarified and unfinished, still subordinate–?), it is a high inducement to the individual to ripen, to become something in himself for another’s sake, it is a great exacting claim upon him, something that chooses him out and calls him to vast things.”

Kahlil Gibran, “The Prophet”

“THEN Almitra spoke again and said, And what of Marriage, master?
And he answered saying:
You were born together, and together you shall be for evermore.
You shall be together when the white wings of death scatter your days.
Aye, you shall be together even in the silent memory of God.
But let there be spaces in your togetherness.
And let the winds of the heavens dance between you.
Love one another, but make not a bond of love:
Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.
Fill each other’s cup but drink not from one cup.
Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf.
Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone,
Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music.

Give your hearts, but not into each other’s keeping. For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts. And stand together yet not too near together: For the pillars of the temple stand apart, And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other’s shadow.”

When the Two Become One
One of the biggest issues for Christian couples who come into counseling is their conflict over the role expectations of one another in the marriage. These missed expectations often lead to lots of relational boundary issues and conflict over one’s sense of self in marriage. I think in many communities there is a belief that when “the two become one” (Mark 10:8/Genesis 2:24) that means that they are to lose each other and their sense of self in their marriage.

More commonly in the Christian community it has been expected that the woman is to give up her sense of self for her husband. In my experience as a pastor and therapist and husband…expecting a spouse to give up themselves for the marriage tends to only lead to resentment and anger and conflict. A withdrawing from the marriage, rather than an engagement with one another. It is also very common in some more traditional Christian marriages that a spouse’s dissatisfaction with the marriage will be less likely to find a voice, but instead remains silent. Only leading to more and more missed expectations that are not communicated.

And often we have assumed that when “the two become one” the are to totally be dependent upon one another for each other’s needs and satisfaction in the marriage and in life. That is a tall order that not even the most well adjusted spouse can fulfill.

In reflecting on all of this I have really just come to appreciate the work of Terry Hargrave and Shawn Stoever in their book Five Days to a New Marriage. This is the model that was developed at The Hideaway where I am on staff, and it is a model that I have seen help create more healthy marriages than any others.

I like that in this model marriage is not solely dependent upon our partner. Too many spouses are sitting around waiting and expecting for their spouse to meet and fulfill every need. Sure, our partner has a role to play and there is a mutual interdependency that occurs. But ultimately, as Christians our marriage and our sense of self is dependent upon God, and not on others. We must learn to take responsibility for our own selves in marriage and not wait for our partner to meet every need. A truly healthy marriage is two people in a relationship taking responsibility for themselves in order that they are better able to be in a position to respond to their spouses.

So ultimately, we live a great love story when our life is anchored and dependent in Christ, not solely dependent on others for our wants and needs. And when we are in the position of dependency upon Christ, then we are truly freed to respond out of a place of love and trust in a relationship of mutuality and reciprocity with our spouses. (Ephesians 5:21).

Openness and Authenticity Are Not Enough

July 27, 2011 in Marriage-Family, Ministry-Theology, Therapy-Psychology with 14 Comments

I’m currently reading a really great book, Restoration Therapy: Understanding and Guiding Healing in Marriage and Family Therapy by Terry D. Hargrave and Franz Pfitzer. In fact, I can’t recommend it enough.

But as I was reading last night this section of the book jumped off the page at me. It jumped off the page at me because they finally said what I have been thinking before regarding the role and risk of openness and authenticity, but have been unable to formulate myself.

There is a culture (Millennials, certain church environments, etc.) that highly values openness and authenticity, but it is often just about being those things…rather than what those things can lead to. So for example you hear people say, “This is just who I am…either you accept me or you don’t.” Or “I’m just being real.” Or, “I’m just being honest with you…that’s how God created me.”

We like talking about our flaws and imperfections in an authentic way with others. But the purpose of being authentic is not just about sharing our flaws and imperfections…nor is just about being open in order to be accepted for who we are. Rather, true openness and authenticity reflect back to us ways in which we need to grow as people. But too many of us stop short from allowing that reflection to transform who we are…we seem to just be content frolicking in our flaws and imperfections, demanding that others just accept who we are…because after all we tell ourselves, “Hey, this is just me…this is just who I am…God made me this way.”

But God wants more from us…He wants us to grow and to be transformed not only individually but in our relationships with others.

Glad I came across this passage that really brought some clarity to this issue for me.

“A person is only being human and worthy of respect and admiration when open about flaws and imperfections so he or she can deal with them honestly.

Openness is essential for us to be able to trust in relationships because it allows us to deal constructively with these elements of imperfection. If I know that I am imperfect, am unreliable in the way I perform my responsibilities, or irresponsible toward justice in relationships, then deep down I know that everyone copes with the same problem. When one is open about these flaws, the person is openly acknowledging that areas of deficiency; this makes it much more likely that the person will use the openness as an opportunity to correct shortcomings and to grow. Openness alone about flaws without addressing the shortcoming is unfortunate in relationships because it demands that the other relational partner simply adjust to the shortcoming and live as if a problem cannot be corrected or is actually no problem. While we agree acceptance in relationships is important (Jacobson & Christensen, 1998), we do feel that untrustworthy and unloving behavior in relationships is unacceptable….Openness is not about saying, ‘This is the way I am, and to be in a relationship with me means that you take me as I am.’ Rather, it means, ‘This is what I see in myself, and I believe that I can be better.’ When openness points towards growth, our imperfections and flaws and those of our relational partners actually pull us together more clearly in an intimate bond.” (pp. 27)