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When Couples Fight — The Argument Is Rarely About the “Issue”

May 3, 2012 in Marriage-Family, Therapy-Psychology with 0 Comments


[image by EBKauai]

It probably took me a good 5-6 years of marriage before I realized that the fights my wife Heather and I were having were rarely ever about the issue that we were fighting about.

The fight is just the top of the surface, or as I like to tell couples — the top of the funnel. But as you enter the funnel and dive deeper you realize there is more to the fight than the supposed content a couple is arguing about.

For example, when I thought Heather and I were fighting about too many late nights working (hers and mine) — it wasn’t really about that. In this case, Heather and I’s fights were about feeling disconnected, or not important or valued. And when we are disconnected we experience deeper feelings underneath those. Feeling alone and abandoned (those go way back for me — long before Heather; check out Chapter 3 of my book The Anxious Christian if you want a better glimpse of the core negative feelings that go back way before your partner).

A typical fight that couples bring into my therapy office is over money. But money is just the issue at the top of the funnel — but it’s rarely about that. Dive deeper and one might discover that one of the spouses feels they have no voice in the marriage, and it just comes out in an argument over money. No voice leaves them feeling not important — not important leaves them feeling worthless. That’s just an example.

I could play this scenario out in how couple’s fight about sex, money, kids, in-laws, etc, and you would soon discover that the fight is just the smoke that points to a fire below the surface. And when arguments stay at the top of the funnel, solely focused on the issue, they are rarely healed long term.

Slow Down and Observe
At this point in our lives we have probably developed some pretty good coping skills that cover up the issues below the surface in our marriage. But begin changing your marriage by doing something. I recommend that you slow down and begin to observe the arguments that you and your spouse are having. As you observe pay real close attention to your experience of yourself in those arguments. Ask yourself questions like, “What am I feeling right now?” Not what are you doing, but what are you feeling. “What do I want to do when I feel this way?”

As you pay closer attention to your feelings and coping patterns in an argument you will begin to see below the surface, and hopefully begin the process of gaining a clearer picture of what is happening between you and your partner when you argue.

It may not seem revolutionary, but trust me, it can change your marriage. It has changed mine.

For some guided help on better understanding the patterns you have created between your feelings and coping, I recommend the book 5 Days to a New Marriage by Terry Hargrave and Shawn Stoever.

It’s Impossible That You Aren’t Communicating In Your Relationship!

April 12, 2012 in Marriage-Family, Therapy-Psychology with 1 Comment

Often in the midst of a therapy session a couple will frustratingly declare to me, “We never communicate.”

The truth is that they are communicating all the time, but they just don’t like the message their partner is sending them. If my wife decides to get up when I’m talking to her, walk into our room, and slams the door — she is communicating to me. I just don’t like that message.

In the very short and helpful book, Family Ties That Bind: A Self-Help Guide to Change Through Family of Origin Therapy, Dr. Ronald W. Richardson says this:

“What most people mean by ‘communication,’ however, is sameness. When people think they are ‘really communicating,’ they usually mean they are thinking about things in the same way. When Maggie says George is not communicating, the problem really is that he is not communicating what she wants communicated. We are always communicating; we can’t not communicate.” (pp. 41)

Often couples who are unable to tolerate different messages from one another are struggling with a lack of differentiation in their relationship. Their inability to securely “stand on their own two feet” may signal an emotional fusion that has its roots in their family of origin.

A healthy couple is able to tolerate a healthy balance between togetherness and separateness in a marriage, rather than always feeling the need for agreement.

Can Depression Offer Us a Gift?

February 6, 2012 in Marriage-Family, Pastoral Counseling, Therapy-Psychology with 1 Comment

In Thomas Moore’s book, Care of the Soul, he writes eloquently about the gift that depression may offer people. It’s an opportunity to embrace emotions that we often don’t deal with, leading us to a better understanding of ourselves and how we want to direct our life. Though he acknowledges that depression can become debilitating to many people, he still posits the idea that there is a side to it (even in the most extremes cases of debilitation) that can be a gift to us, and that as friends and family of someone who is depressed, we play a crucial role. Moore writes:

“When as counselors and friends, we are the observers of depression and are challenged to find a way to deal with it in others, we could abandon the monotheistic notion that life always has to be cheerful, and be instructed by melancholy. We could learn from its qualities and follow its lead, become more patient in its presence, lowering our excited expectations, taking a watchful attitude as this soul deals with its fate in utter seriousness and heaviness. In our friendship, we could offer it a place of acceptance and containment.”

Depression is a very important topic that is often not talked about, especially when it strikes men. But in in our silence on the matter many men are not able to find the help they need. My hope is that the posts I have written the last couple of weeks on this topic have at least peeled back some of the veil of silence and helped you to begin to think more on this issue…especially if you have a loved one in your life who is suffering from it.

Check out my last three articles on the topic:

The Angry…I Mean, Depressed Male: Do You Know Him?

Communication: What ‘To Say’ And ‘Not To’ Say To A Depressed Man

Pressed to the Ground: A Theological Re-Frame of Depression

And though there are many books on this subject, here are three that I have found to be helpful and insightful.

Unmasking Male Depression: Recognizing the Root Cause to Many Problem Behaviors Such as Anger, Resentment, Abusiveness, Silence, Addictions, and Sexual Compulsiveness by Archibald Hart

I Don’t Want to Talk About It: Overcoming the Secret Legacy of Male Depression by Terence Real

Let Your Life Speak: Listening for the Voice of Vocation by Parker Palmer

Communication: What ‘To Say’ And ‘Not To’ Say To A Depressed Man

January 24, 2012 in Marriage-Family, Therapy-Psychology with 7 Comments

“What is the most important thing you can do for a depressed husband, father, or son? Without a doubt it is to communicate love and acceptance to them with all the power you can muster, and to avoid blaming them or being judgmental about their depression. Your loved one has not chosen to be depressed. If he could, he would gladly give it up. Disappointing as this truth may be, try to accept his depression in your life with grace.” (Unmasking Male Depression by Archibald Hart, pp. 227)

After my last post on male depression I have been receiving a steady stream of questions from people about what to do if a male they know is depressed (their husband, father, son, friend, etc.). Keep in mind that there is no correct way to go about being with, or communicating with someone who is depressed. Each person’s experience of depression is very unique to them (though there are very similar characteristics that we could extrapolate). So take the pressure off of yourself to try and fix the situation, because it’s not something you can fix.

One of the places to begin is in how we communicate with a male who is depressed. And again for guidance I lean on some of the suggestions of Archibald Hart. He states that it is helpful to keep some of these guidelines in mind:

  • “Listen to more than words. One of the biggest mistakes you can make is to pay too much attention to what is said, and not to what is meant. Depressed men can say some pretty nasty things. They can be mean in what they say, but they don’t necessarily mean what they say.”


  • “Make time to talk. A depressed man will want to draw back into his shell. He will certainly not be the one to initiate talking–so be prepared to do it. Set aside a particular time so that he won’t be taken by surprise (say over dinner), then allow him not to talk if that is what he wants.”


  • “Try to listen more than talk. Perhaps the most important thing you can do for your depressed loved one is listen. Romans 12:5 tells us to ‘weep with them that weep’ and listening is as good as, if not better than, our biggest tears.”


  • “Try to reflect back what he is saying. Often what someone says or doesn’t say is not what they really want to say.”


  • Be sensitive to how his ego has been affected. The male ego is a powerful thing. It will have already been damaged by the depression, so don’t damage it anymore.”

One of the communication skills that I like to experiment in therapy with couples can be helpful in a situation such as this. First, mark a time on the schedule where you both agree to talk. For the person who wants to talk this scheduling alleviates some anxiety, confusion, and wondering about whether or not time to talk will ever take place. And for the man who is reticent about talking, it frees him up from being hounded to talk, and from being surprised by an impromptu talk at the wrong moment. Second, put time constraints on the conversation. For example, bring a timer to the conversation and set it for 15 minutes. Knowing how long the talk will be may relieve the pressure a depressed man feels about talking. It also keeps a boundary around the conversation so that it doesn’t start to “rabbit trail” in a variety of non-helpful and even painful directions. Third, in the allotted time given (better to start small, 5-15 minutes and build when he is ready to talk more), use the space to allow him to talk about how he is feeling (say 2-3 minutes). And then reflect back what you heard (say 2-3 minutes). And then allow him to affirm whether or not you understood him correctly (2-3 minutes). Done. No trying to solve the depression for him. No trying to fix it for him. See this short time of connection as a building block to future health.

In closing, I am going to cite some statements by Archibald Hart concerning what are helpful and not helpful things to say to a depressed man:

“The Best Things You Can Say To The Depressed Man In Your Life” (pp. 231)

  • “I love you and always will because you are important to me.”


  • “I can’t really feel what you are feeling, but I want to understand.”


  • “The best I can offer you right now is to be your friend.”


  • “You don’t have to apologize for the way you feel, because I know you can’t really control it.”


  • “You are not alone in this; I will stay by you until it’s over.”


  • “This won’t last forever, and when it’s over we’ll sing God’s praises together.”


  • “God isn’t causing this. He wants to help you bear it.”


  • “Some of God’s greatest servants have also suffered from depression–and God helped them through it.”

Those are some things that Hart feels would be helpful things to say. Again, you know the depressed man in your life better than anyone, so you will need to weigh those statements and take in to consideration if they would be helpful or not. Depending where I was in a depression, I would find some of the statements above helpful, and others not so much.

Hart continues:

“The Worst Things You Can Say To The Depressed Man In Your Life” (pp. 235)

  • “Get your life together; you are a man and can control yourself if you try.”


  • “God isn’t pleased with your life at the moment. Maybe you have unforgiven sin.”


  • “Stop feeling so sorry for yourself and just try a little harder.”


  • “I don’t know how much more of this I can take. You are driving me crazy.”


  • “Remember that there are many people in this world who are worse off than you.”


  • “I’m beginning to think that it was a mistake for me to marry you.”


  • “You should stop seeing those quacks and taking those pills because they’re changing your brain.”


  • “Believe me, I know how you feel because I was depressed once and I didn’t make a meal of it.”

I pretty much can’t imagine where any of the statements above would be helpful at any time.


If you are a man suffering from depression I encourage you to get help from a professional counselor. And if you know a male suffering from depression, I encourage you to walk alongside of that person during this difficult journey and to help them get the resources and professional help that they need.

The Angry…I Mean, Depressed Male: Do You Know Him?

January 19, 2012 in Marriage-Family, Therapy-Psychology with 12 Comments

Over the last several months when I have gathered for lunch with a few of my friends, we joke about the idea of me writing a follow up book to The Anxious Christian called The Angry Christian. Don’t worry, that is not on my to do list, but our conversation hints at an issue that can be seen in our Christian culture.

If you haven’t noticed, there seems to be a lot of angry Christians out there. And more often than not, they are men.

But what I’m really wondering is if there isn’t just a bunch of depressed Christian men out there…and really,  men in general.

In the book Unmasking Male Depression, Archibald Hart lists off a few statistics (pp. 3):

  • 80 percent of all suicides in the United States are men
  • The male suicide rate at midlife is three times higher than at other times; for men over 65, it is seven times higher
  • 20 million American men will experience depression sometime in their life
  • 60-80 percent of depressed adults never get professional help, and men are at the top of the list here
  • It can take up to ten years and exposure to at least three mental health professionals to properly diagnose this disorder
  • 80-90 percent of men seeking treatment can get relief from their symptoms

This book was published in 2001, so I wonder what the statistics are today. Certainly higher I would imagine.

More and more men are coming into my office these days because they complain that they just don’t seem to know what is wrong with them. But when a man finds himself in my office I want to communicate to them that it is a huge step of courage on their part. Many men do not reach out for help, so if they take the step to call and actually come in, then I know something is seriously wrong. Hart writes (pp. 8):

“Being a man can be hazardous to your health, especially when you have to maintain your masculine identity at all costs. Generally, men are less willing to admit to depression because they believe, irrationally, that being depressed is a sign of weakness. They are also less likely to want to discuss the topic, for fear, I suppose, that they may discover something about themselves that they don’t like–that they are less manly than they think they are. Depression, the subliminal male self-believes, is a ‘feminine’ problem, so therefore, I cannot be depressed. It’s only logical, so don’t even suggest the idea.”

So maybe underneath all that anger is a man who really needs some help. Maybe you are that man. If you are, then one of the biggest acts of courage that you can do is to reach out for help. You are not alone.

And if you know a male who is struggling with depression, maybe there are some ways that you can come alongside of him and encourage him get the help he needs.

So what are some signs of male depression, since it so often looks different than female depression. Again, I turn to Archibald Hart for some good insight (pp. 29):

  • Blames others for his depression
  • Acts on his inner turmoil
  • Needs to maintain control at all costs
  • Overly hostile, irritable
  • Attacks when hurt
  • Tries to fix the depression by problem solving
  • Turns to sports, TV, sex, alcohol
  • Feels ashamed by depression
  • Becomes compulsive, time keeper
  • Terrified to confront weakness
  • Tries to maintain strong male image
  • Tries to act away his depression
  • Turns to alcoholism and other addictions

This last summer my father and step-mom spent a month on a small lake in Minnesota. When my dad returned home he commented on how each day he could sit outside and hear all around the lake conversations of men who were sitting in their fishing boats all day fishing. My dad wondered if that type of male bonding wasn’t a form of therapy for them. Whether it was fishing, hunting, or playing sports together, maybe that is a way and a place for men to emotionally connect and process that anger, anxiety, depression and other emotions they were experiencing.

But we are living in a society that has become increasingly fractured and fast paced and men might be losing the ability to connect. And technology that men so often love may actually create a disconnection and with that disconnection comes a sense of loneliness that can foster depression.

I don’t have all the answers, but I do know this. For every angry man I come across in life, I now ask myself, “Is he depressed?”

New Directions: 5 Changes in My Life and Career

November 11, 2011 in Marriage-Family, Ministry-Theology, Pastoral Counseling, Therapy-Psychology, Writing with 2 Comments

The last year and a half of my life has been a complete whirlwind. That’s the best word that I can use to describe all the things that have been going on.

So today, I’m excited to announce several different events and changes that have happened and that are on the horizon.

First: As many of you already know, I signed a book deal with Moody Publishers back in March. The manuscript has been completed (edits and all), and is on its final leg before it hits the e readers in February (I believe), and the bookshelves on March 1. I’m thankful for everyone who has been involved in this process. If you are interested, you can pre-order your copy of The Anxious Christian: Can God Use Your Anxiety for Good?

Second: I resigned my job from HopeWorks Counseling one month ago, and I’m excited to announce that I have ventured off into a new practice at Auxano Counseling. This move allows me to really focus on several things that I’m excited about. So if you need/want counseling, or know someone who does, I am now taking referrals at my new practice. Auxano is located in the beautiful Willow Bend Wellness Building in Plano, TX, and I’m excited to be a part of the great practitioners in that building.

Third: I have officially launched a new counseling website that better conveys the three things I’m passionate about–therapy, writing, and speaking/teaching. Check out the site and the beautiful design by Ryan Smith. If you are wanting a new site, I recommend Ryan.

Fourth: I’ve launched a new monthly newsletter that you can subscribe to. Each month you will receive information, tips and resources on a variety of topics such as family, marriage, anxiety, emerging adulthood, transitions, youth ministry and more.

Fifth: I’m currently in the midst of working on a new self-care/counseling group that is for youth pastors. The group will launch in Jan/Feb. (in Plano, TX) of 2012 and will equip youth pastors in better understanding who they are (identity issues), how to set proper boundaries, manage their emotional reactivity, practice self-care, take care of their marriages/family, etc, etc. Stay tuned for more details. If you are interested in being a part of this limited group of 6-8 youth pastors, please send me an email.

Thanks for all of your support and encouragement in my endeavors.

Steve Jobs, John Wesley, and How Pursuing Opportunities Often Come at Great Cost to Our Personal and Family Lives

October 10, 2011 in Marriage-Family, Ministry-Theology, Therapy-Psychology with 4 Comments

The annals of history are filled with people who have done great things (inventions, writings, art, building, etc.) at great cost to their personal and family life.

So it was not a surprise when I read Steve Jobs’ biographer Walter Isaacson say the following:

Mr Jobs then explained why, despite his famous reclusiveness, he had decided to co-operate with a biographer…

“I wanted my kids to know me,” Mr Isaacson recalled Mr Jobs saying, in a posthumous tribute the biographer wrote for Time magazine. “I wasn’t always there for them, and I wanted them to know why and to understand what I did.”

I was really struck by that statement “I wanted my kids to know me.”

You and I may never invent something like the iPhone, but everyday we are given the choice to pursue opportunities that pull us farther away from our kids and spouse…family — or to say no to opportunities that pull us away from them. And instead make decisions that enrich our families and the lives of our kids.

I wrote this post not as a moral indictment on what choices we make in regards to how we choose to live our family lives…but more so that we understand there is often great cost to our families when we pursue certain endeavors.

Often these choices get even more murky coming in the form of ministry as well. It’s not hard to find historical records and stories of great men and women of God who have left a huge mark on Christianity with their writings and ministries, but who have left a wake of destruction in their personal and family lives.

For example, I remember hearing in my Church history class of the bad marriage and family life of the famous cleric and theologian John Wesley. We can thank him for the legacy he has left, but there was a personal and family cost to getting there.

Are you willing to sacrifice your personal and family life for your pursuits?

People can still pursue opportunities of great cost, and follow God at great cost…without destroying their families in the process. Perhaps we need to pay attention to, and become better at discerning which opportunities allow us to continue to foster our marriages and families in the process, and which ones could be lethal to them.

Encountering the Other in Sacred Space

September 11, 2011 in Marriage-Family, Therapy-Psychology with 3 Comments

“Our relationship lives in the space between us – it doesn’t live in me or in you or even in the dialogue between the two us – it lives in the space we live together and that space is sacred space.” –Martin Buber

 

Such a beautiful quote by the Jewish philosopher Martin Buber, who is probably best known for his amazing work I and Thou.

But what is that space between us?

It’s hard to wrap our hands around it, and to really grasp what it is.

I feel it in therapy sessions when a client shares something so personal, or has a new sense of awareness, that you can’t help but stop and just honor what has just been said or has taken place. Honor that sacred moment.

I feel it in those connections with my wife when we are able to be two completely differentiated and free beings, in a mutually reciprocating relationship.

It’s most elegantly and perfectly found in the sacred space between members of the Trinity–Father, Son, and Spirit. I like how theologian Miroslav Volf writes of this concept:

Perichoresis refers to the reciprocal interiority of the trinitarian persons. In every divine person as a subject, the other persons also indwell; all mutually permeate one another, though in doing so they do not cease to be distinct persons. In fact, the distinctions between them are precisely the presupposition of that interiority, since persons who have dissolved into one another cannot exist in one another. Perichoresis is ‘co-inherence in one another without any coalescence or commixture.’ (After Our Likeness: The Church as the Image of the Trinity, pp. 209).

It’s hard to define as you can see. But think of the implications of this concept in our lives if we truly believe we are made in the image of God (Genesis 1:26).

I think it’s so hard to define and see because we haven’t done the personal work to enter into those spaces with others. Or we perhaps “pollute” that space with things as clinical psychologist Hedy Schleifer points out in this wonderful TED presentation, The Power of Connection.

This video is worth your 20 minutes as she talks about how to encounter the “other” in that “sacred space.”

 

“Love consists of this: two solitudes that meet, protect and greet each other. ”
― Rainer Maria Rilke

Shane and Shane New Album Winners…

August 19, 2011 in Marriage-Family with 0 Comments

Thanks to everyone who submitted a comment on the blog entry this week to win the new Shane and Shane album.

There were so many good comments and I’m hoping to comment on all of them over the next few days.

But after the random drawing of commenter’s names we came up with five people who won the album.

Lacy K

Doug

Kyle Roland

Keenan

Ashley

Thank you all so much for sharing your wisdom on such an important topic.

Shane and Shane on the Father-Daughter Relationship and God (and win their new album here)

August 17, 2011 in Marriage-Family, Pastoral Counseling, Therapy-Psychology with 51 Comments

Your daughter needs God. And she wants you to be the one to show her who He is, what He is like, and what He thinks about her. She wants to believe that there is more to life than what she sees with her eyes and hears with her ears. She wants to know that there exists someone who is smarter, more capable, and more loving than (even) you. If you are a normal, healthy father, you should be glad that she wants to believe in someone larger, because you know all too well that many times you will fail her. You forget her recital, miss games because of business trips, or lose your temper and say painful things to her. You are just a normal, good-enough dad doing the best you can. You need to have someone behind you, someone your daughter can turn to when you’re not there. You both need a bigger, better father on your side. (Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters, by Meg Meeker, pp. 176)



When I came across Shane and Shane’s amazing new record and title song The One You Need and watched their video…it left me in a tearful and emotional place.

I’m the father of a four year old girl that I absolutely love and adore with everything that I have and all that I am.

And yet…everything I have to offer her, and everything that I am to her…at the end of the day is just not enough.

There has to be something more for her in this life…and so when I read the lyrics of the song I found myself resonating with it and saying, “Yes, yes, yes.”

Meg Meeker in her amazing book, Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters: 10 Secrets Every Father Should Know — and in her chapter Teach Her Who God Is talks about the importance of fathers teaching daughters about who God is. (By the way, this is the best book on fathers/daughters and one I can’t recommend enough)

Shane and Shane’s lyrics reminded me as well that as a father my most important role is to teach my daughter who God is….end of story.

Hey, hey, sweet daughter
I am so proud to be your father
Each day’s like a gift from God.

Hey hey sweet daughter
There’s no music like your laughter
And your smile is like a rising sun.

You know I love you from the start
So come in close take my hand
While daddy shares his heart.

I wish that I could be your everything
Be the one who give you all the things you need
Sometimes I am gonna let you down
But there is a way if you just believe
He’ll be your hero like He’s always been for me
Daughter Jesus is the one you need.

No matter what you walk through
He will always love you
Just the way you are.

for there’s nothing in this world
There all for my baby girl
Until be happy ever after.

The history at your life still untold
I pray the King of all the universe, will make your heart His home.

(Chorus)

Who will never leave spending it all alone
All in your where you came fight to Lord.

Shane and Shane have been so kind to offer up their new album to 5 commenters on this blog post. Here’s how it will work:

Leave a comment below answering the question:

What do you think is the most important piece of advice that a father needs to know about raising a daughter?

You have till this Friday (August 19, 2011) at 12pm Central time to post your comment and then I will randomly draw five commenter’s names and contact you with the code for a free purchase of their new album. So don’t forget to put your email in the comment section below.

And in the meantime….if you can’t wait to see if you win, check out their new album or connect with the guys online.

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