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Emerging Into Our Identity

windingroadEmerging Adulthood
I have always seemed to work with a lot of people in the midst of that life transition from college to young adult, or to what is often referred to as emerging adulthood.  So because of the extension of adolescence, and the pushing of adulthood and it’s responsibilities to later years (late 20′s to early and mid-30′s) people often find themselves wrestling with questions that have often been resolved, or at least grappled with in early developmental stages.

In my work as a college admission recruiter, college pastor and marriage and family therapist, I often work with people who come to me with questions that they can’t quite formulate themselves, but that touch at the core of who they are, and are very existential in nature in many ways.

They are questions of identity, or “Who am I”, “What am I to do”, “What do I believe.”

Fundamental Questions
Over the last 6 months my supervisor has helped me formulate some questions that touch at the heart of clients that I work with that are going through this life transition.

So I often tell my client that they are asking 3 very basic, very fundamental questions:

  1. Who am I?
  2. What am I to do with myself?
  3. How am I to be loved?

Questions that we have been asking for thousands of years, and in reality, each of the questions are components of one another, and sometimes one must be answered for the other to be answered as well.

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Step Into Your Anxiety If You Want To Grow

21dpppnebcl_sl500_aa160_Recently I have been listening to the audio version of the David Snarch’s book Passionate Marriage: Sex, Love, and Intimacy in Emotionally-Committed Relationships.

One of the things that he says in the lecture is (and I’m restating in my own words):

That in order for a person to grow, they must step into their anxiety.  That it is in confronting our anxiety, rather than seeking comfort and security that we achieve growth as a person.

Last week I asked the question, “What Keeps You Centered?”, wondering what it is that helps keep you grounded/centered/balanced when dealing with anxiety…knowing that we all deal with anxiety and stress in our lives.

But a different question is:

Do you step into your anxiety?

Do you try things that stir up your anxiety in order for you to grow?

Or do you seek comfort and security, rather than risk the realities of facing your anxiety?

Share:

  1. Share a time when you stepped into your anxiety, knowing it was an opportunity for growth?
  2. What were you feeling and thinking at the time?
  3. Did you see it as an opportunity for growth, or just something you know you should do?

Though Snarch is looking at stepping into one’s anxiety in the context of marriage, sex and family, it can be said that for any of us to grow we must do the same.

There is more to be said on this issue and where Snarch is going with this topic, but for now, I will leave it at this.

What Keeps You Centered?

What keeps you centered?

pavmark2This is a question that I have been thinking about a lot.  And it’s a question that I ask a lot of my clients, and my friends.

If centered is not the right word for you, how about: grounded, balanced, focused.

Anxiety is one of the biggest issues that I usually work with clients on, and it is probably one of the most prevalent issues that friends and acquaintances ask my advice on.

Having something that daily centers us can help reduce the anxiety in our lives. I have tried to use this practice in my own life in various spheres.

So for example:

  • As a Christian, God, my life in Christ is what centers me, or helps keep me grounded. My dependence  upon, and relationship with God has helped reduce a lot of anxiety in my own life. That is sometimes hard for us to wrap our minds around. We think it, believe, know it (theologically), but to practice it is difficult. This can be practiced through a life of prayer and reading and meditation upon the Scriptures, worship, community, etc.


  • I also exercise as often as I can. Not as much as I would like to, but I’m working on it. When I ran back to back marathons in October 2007 and March 2008, I felt the most grounded, non-anxious and confident that I have ever felt. Exercise has a way of keeping us centered. I often recommend pilates, yoga, walking, running or some form of exercise to people as a way to center them and help reduce anxiety.


  • There are certain rituals that I like in the morning to help ground me. A cup of coffee in my hand at the beginning of my work day has a certain centering effect upon me. Rituals like long drives with great music playing also helps.



What works for you to keep you centered, grounded, balanced, well focused?

Share some tips….

Depression, Burnout & Ministry: Showing Hospitality

This is my 8th and final post in my series on Depression, Burnout & Ministry. There are lots of things I wish I would have written about in this series, and lots more that has been left unsaid. Hopefully this will be an ongoing topic because it is an issue that is so prevalent among us, but often ignored.

What I hope that these 8 posts accomplish is bringing to light the reality that depression is all around us, and it knows no boundaries. It does not matter if you are a Christian or non-Christian. It doesn’t matter if your spiritual life is going well, or not so well. It doesn’t matter if you are male or female, young or old. Depression is real and affects many, many people.

That being said, one of my hopes is that we interact with those suffering from depression in loving, compassionate and non-judgmental ways.

There are many ways to do this, but let me leave you with one idea: HOSPITALITY.

“One way to build upon people’s strengths is to show them hospitality. The counseling session needs to be a place where counselees are welcomed, encouraged, and complimented for what they are doing well, not where their past wrongs or present pathology is dredged up….Showing hospitality has for centuries been one of the vital tasks of pastoral care (Depression and Hope: New Insights for Pastoral Counseling, 61).

Just as a therapist welcomes, as well as provides an encouraging environment where one’s strengths and possibilities for the future are opened up, those in the Church need to do the same.

My hope is that one day those suffering from depression will not just seek the safety within the therapist’s walls, but will find a safety within the walls of the Church.

Questions:

  1. Do you know anyone right now who is suffering from depression?
  2. What can you do to come alongside of them and show hospitality?
  3. What might hospitality look like for someone in the context of depression?

Previous Posts in the Depression, Burnout & Ministry Series
Depression, Burnout & Ministry: Deciding to Get Honest About Our Journeys
Depression, Burnout & Ministry: Anne Jackson Interview, Part 1
Depression, Burnout & Ministry: Anne Jackson Interview, Part2
Depression, Burnout & Ministry: Assessment
Depression, Burnout & Ministry: Christians and Medications
Depression, Burnout & Ministry: Discernment in Pastoral Caregiving
Depression, Burnout & Ministry: Soren Kierkegaard on Actuality, Freedom and Possibility

Disclaimer: This blog post is not to be a substitute for professional help or advice. Please consider seeking out professional help if you consider yourself to be at risk for depression.

Depression, Burnout & Ministry: Soren Kierkegaard on Actuality, Freedom and Possibility

kierkegaardOne of my favorite writers, thinkers, philosophers, theologians, psychologists is Soren Kierkegaard. Ever since reading Fear and Trembling when I was 22 he has continued to profoundly shape my life and thinking.

So it is not surprising that in the book Depression and Hope by Howard W. Stone, that it is Kierkegaard that has something to say to us on this issue. Let me quote at length the following passage from the book:

Soren Kierkegaard’s understanding of persons–for our purposes depressed persons–also helps us understand hope. In The Sickness Unto Death, he describes persons as possessors of actuality, freedom, and possibility. All three are a part of the authentic self, and a good relationship of all three is necessary for authentic existence. Actuality refers primarily to the past; it includes our context, our psychological predispositions, and choices we have previously made.

Freedom is what we have in the present. It is a finite freedom, exercised within the limits of our situation and abilities, our givens and past choices. Because of our actualities we cannot simply become whatever we want to be ‘if we try hard enough for it.’ We make choices, and act, from the range of options available to us.

Possibility addresses the future. It is what we can become as we use our freedom. In that respect our possibilities are not predetermined. We are not automatons. We can imagine, and within the givens of life we can become something new. Living as an authentic self, according to Kierkegaard, means looking beyond our immediate necessities or past liabilities. We anticipate the future with the awareness that we are free–however limited–to actualize whom we ought to become as faithful Christians and to take responsibility for shaping that future.

In short, faithful Christian living requires recognition of givens from the past and exercise of finite freedom in the present, so that positive future possibilities can be imagined and brought into existence. Those who are depressed, viewed from Kierkegaards’ understanding of persons, allow their actuality (past) to limit and dominate their possibility (future) by not exercising their finite freedom in the present. So the anguish of depression comes not only from dwelling on negative past but also from the loss of a positive future. Unfortunately, much counseling offered to the depressed focuses on actuality, on the past. It is a grave error. The purpose of the minister giving care to the depressed is to engender a hope that recognizes actuality but also steps directly into the future by exercising freedom in the present, by taking action.

The good news is that there are care and counseling methods that can engender future hope in melancholic individuals. Methods especially useful for enlivening hope include searching for exceptions, reframing, focusing on people’s strengths, and creating future goals as a way to move away from preoccupation with the past (47-48).

Questions:

  1. How does Kierkegaard’s understanding of people fit into your understanding of people?
  2. Does your theology compliment Kierkegaard’s understanding of people, or contrast with it?
  3. How do you understand both our limits and freedom as people, and our ability those parameters offer to treat depression?

Previous Posts in the Depression, Burnout & Ministry Series
Depression, Burnout & Ministry: Deciding to Get Honest About Our Journeys
Depression, Burnout & Ministry: Anne Jackson Interview, Part 1
Depression, Burnout & Ministry: Anne Jackson Interview, Part2
Depression, Burnout & Ministry: Assessment
Depression, Burnout & Ministry: Christians and Medications
Depression, Burnout & Ministry: Discernment in Pastoral Caregiving

Disclaimer: This blog post is not to be a substitute for professional help or advice. Please consider seeking out professional help if you consider yourself to be at risk for depression.

Affirmation: One of Technology’s Negative Effects on Your Marriage and Family

jleMcLuhan and Twitter via John Dyer
This is a post I have had in the making for a while, but when I read John Dyer’s post Tools for Tech Thinking: McLuhan on Twitter, and well, he unknowingly gave me some inspiration to post some of my thoughts on this issue.

Read John’s post for some context, but essentially Marshall McLuhan in his seminal work The Medium is the Message poses four questions about media/technology:

  1. What does it (the medium or technology extend)?
  2. What does it make obsolete?
  3. What is retrieved?
  4. “What does the technology reverse into if it is over-extended?

John does a great job of summarizing what these four things are, but for this post I’m concerned about question four, “What does the technology reverse into if it is over-extended?” John explicates the question in this way:

What does Twitter reverse into if it is over-extended?

This is McLuhan’s “negative” question where he gives examples like the ability to project one’s voice is lost if the microphone is overused and the ability to walk long distances is lost when one relies on vehicles.

  • Twitter can connect physically distant individuals, but when overused it can also isolate a person from those who are physically near (like spouses) reversing into a state of more disconnectedness.
  • Twitter can also reverse into a level of shallowness, because communication is limited to 140 characters.
  • Twitter can also reverse into a mess of noise and distraction since so many voices are speaking  at the same time.

Technology and Affirmation
Most of us may not realize it, but technology is often a major source of affirmation for us in our lives. John is speaking of Twitter, but Twitter is not the only culprit. Name it: Facebook, blogs, mommy forums, fantasy leagues, chat, MySpace, email, Blackberry’s i-Phones, etc, etc.

We go to these sites and belong to these online communities because in some shape, form or fashion we are affirmed in them. People accept us, care for us, are there for us. It soon becomes an instant source of affirmation.

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Depression, Burnout & Ministry: Discernment in Pastoral Caregiving

Discernment
As we talk and think about the issue of depression in ministry one of the most important factors that we have in helping us determine what exactly we are dealing with is discernment.

the quality of being able to grasp and comprehend what is obscure

Discerning what type of help a person needs can be tricky. Should they see a therapist? A psychiatrist? Both? Is a recommendation for meds necessary? Are we dealing with depression, melancholy, burning out, etc? Maybe it’s all, maybe it’s some, maybe it’s none. But the act of discernment is a process and often involves multiple people helping one through their difficult journey.

In the book Depression and Hope: New Insights for Pastoral Counseling (which I mention quite a bit, is a great resource, and which I will reference and quote from heavily in this post), Howard W. Stone says:

Depression disturbs one’s most important relationships; for melancholics this may mean family members or close friends. For the mystic or hermit monk, and indeed for all faithful Christians, that most important relationship is with God. When people feel the absence of God, when they doubt, when religious ritual and service lose meaning, their experiences are very similar to the symptoms of depression.

Pastoral caregivers listen in a certain way to the words of those who are disconsolate, a way that is distinct from other helping professionals. To clergy and other professionals in ministry, despair, suffering, struggle, and adversity are laden with spiritual import, because reflection on the experience of melancholy and spiritual desolation can bring depth and meaning to those who are trying to be faithful to the call of Christ (Stone, 21).

When dealing with issues of such vital importance, you can see why discernment is key. One of the reasons I went back to graduate school again for my MFT (Master of Science in Marriage and Family Therapy) was because after 10 years in ministry, I was well aware of the fact that my Master of Divinity had not prepared me adequately enough to deal with such issues…In fact, I would say that it’s quite rare for most people entering into ministry to have a decent understanding of mental health issues and the role of the pastor in pastoral caregiving.

In his book Stone talks about four experiences that “compare strongly to depression: the dark night of the soul, ‘accidie’, desolations, and Martin Luther’s understanding of ‘Anfechtungen’”. Fascinating stuff! Let me just mention them briefly here:

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Depression, Burnout & Ministry: Christians and Medications

Credit: depressionofspirits.com

“you may have questions about whether Christians should take this or that. You get in that state, I assure you, you will take rat dung.” Pastor Tommy Nelson

Why the Stigma?
Let me start this post by saying this. When it comes to the issue of taking medication for depression…there are some Christians who believe in it, and those that do not.

I believe in them. And I’m not trying to convince you otherwise. That will require circumstances, experiences convincing beyond my control.

I have worked long enough in the ministry and therapeutic setting to see the amazing and beneficial results that they have had in the lives of the co-workers, students and clients that I have journeyed through life with.

I believe God has given scientists/doctors/researchers amazing minds to create some medications that can help.

As one friend says, “If someone is diabetic, they are going to take insulin…aren’t they?”

Or I tell my friends, “If you have a heart condition, you are going to the cardiologist, right?”

So what’s the stigma around mental health and medications in the Christian life? I’m not completely sure. There is some disconnect it seems. Or rather than disconnect, there is some inconsistency in how we pick and choose what areas of our lives we seek help on, and what areas we think we should be able to pick ourselves up by our own bootstraps.

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Depression, Burnout & Ministry: Assessment

Assessing Depression
This is the 4th post in my series on Depression, Burnout & Ministry, and it is the one where I hope to provide some critieria of symptoms that might help us out if we are wondering about this issue.

There are a variety of factors and tools that one may use in assessing if someone has depression.  In ministry, there were usually a few questions I may have asked a student to better assess what was going on.  I still ask those questions of people in ministry, as well as in my clinical work.  In my work as a Marriage and Family Therapist one of the main tools that we use is the DSM-IV (i.e. Diagnostic and Statistical Manual for Mental Disorders).  Whether or not one believes in diagnosing individuals, some of the criteria they provide is very helpful in getting a sense of the symptoms that one is exhibiting.

51yeqm7b52l_bo2204203200_pisitb-sticker-arrow-clicktopright35-76_aa240_sh20_ou01_As a pastor, leader, or volunteer in the Church you most likely will not look at the criteria in the DSM-IV, but it’s important to have a baseline of criteria that one’s symptoms can be measured against.  A book that I have found really helpful is Depression and Hope: New Insights for Pastoral Counseling by Howard W. Stone.  In this great book Stone says the following:

Criteria for Depression

Depression, or melancholia, is known in psychiatric terminology as major depression to distniguish it from the normal low periods that many people go through.  The psychiatric diagnostic criteria for major depression lists nine symptoms, as follows:

  1. Depressed mood, sadeness, irritability part of each day, nearly every day
  2. Diminished pleasure or interest in daily activities
  3. Considerable weight loss or gain, change in appetite
  4. Significant change in sleeping patterns (The most common result is early waking.)
  5. Marked increase or decrease in movement (Most commonly the person physically slows down.)
  6. Fatigue and loss of energy
  7. Feelings of worthlessness or guilt (The feelings are beyond the scope of how people would usually feel.)
  8. Difficulty in concentration
  9. Ideas of suicide or death

To be diagnosed with major depression according to the American Psychiatric Assocation criteria, persons must exhibit at least five symptoms for a minimum of two weeks, and have either depressed mood or diminished pleasure or interest on most days for at least part of the day (APA 1994).  These criteria are a good basis for determining if someone really is depressed.  The certainly are not exhaustive but signal that a person’s story may be one of melancholia. (pp. 65-66)

How Does Depression Manifest in Ministry
I think there are many ways that depression manifests itself in ministry, but what I would like to do is mention how in a few different areas I think it has manifested for me on occasion, and I’m curious to hear from you.  The tricky thing with depression and burnout is that we can experience symptoms along the spectrum without being considered clinically depressed.  Here is how I experienced it at some levels, even though I have never been clinically diagnosed myself.

Emotionally:  Not being able to enter into, or handle anymore conversations, meetings, encounters with people in ministry.  My fuse was short and I was unable to pay attention at a certain level.  It’s an emotional exhaustion.  Often this mosts manifests itself at home with the people we love.  We give all we have at work, but have little energy for home.

Spiritually: Not being able to pray or read Scripture.  In fact, most of that was masked by ministry prayer (in meetings, services, etc.), but little of my own prayer life.  Also, most of my Scripture reading was for sermon preparation, but very little of my own prayer devotion and meditation.  I think this is very common in ministry, where pastors spend hours upon hours in sermon preparation and consider that to be part of their devotion and meditation.

Physically: Being so exhausted that you don’t have the energy for one more event or meeting.  In fact, when you are doing your yearly calendar, your relief comes from looking at the date about 9 months out when you can rest.  That is depressing.

I would love to hear from you.  How have you experienced depression in ministry?  Can you share some examples?

The next post in this series I will be taking a look at the history of depression in the Church and spiritual writings.  But for now, don’t forget to check out the three previous posts:

Depression, Burnout & Ministry: Deciding to Get Honest About Our Journeys

Depression, Burnout & Ministry: Anne Jackson Interview, Part 1

Depression, Burnout & Ministry: Anne Jackson Interview, Part 2

Disclaimer: This blog post is not to be a substitute for professional help or advice.  Please consider seeking out professional help if you consider yourself to be at risk for depression.

Depression, Burnout & Ministry: Anne Jackson Interview, Part 2

jacksona22This is Part 2 of my interview with author and blogger Anne Jackson.

Check out Part 1 here.

From your own perspective, what is at the root behind the stigma of counseling and therapy in the Church? What would you say to Christians who think that we should not take medications for depression and anxiety?

It has always been difficult for me to say I needed to be in counseling to the extent I was, or to say that I have been on a myriad of anti-depressants or anti-anxiety medicine because I’ve heard countless times people question my salvation or my authority to work out God’s calling in my life. Most people think that something is wrong with my spiritual walk if I have to use these “crutches.” I think that the people who are judgmental about these things live in a bubble that desperately needs to be popped. That means they have stayed safe and comfortable their whole life…and there is nothing about Christianity or redemption that is safe or comfortable.

What goes through your head when you hear Christians or church leaders tell people that they just need to pray more, or have more faith, or read their Bible more to overcome their depression and anxiety?

Honestly, I want to punch them. It makes me so angry (Yes, I have anger issues too!) ☺ There is a spiritual element to our emotional and mental health and we absolutely should practice those disciplines of our faith. But there is no magic pill to cure all. We are all uniquely designed and will each walk a different road for a different reason.

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