Archive - January, 2012

Pressed to the Ground: A Theological Re-Frame of Depression

January 27, 2012 in Ministry-Theology, Pastoral Counseling, Therapy-Psychology with 1 Comment

In my continuation on the topic of depression, especially male depression (here and here), I wanted to share something with you by Parker Palmer. In his wonderful book Let Your Life Speak: Listening for the Voice of Vocation (a must read), Parker has one of the most insightful, haunting, painful, and beautiful glimpses of someone who suffers from depression that I have ever read.

Parker begins the chapter with an excerpt from a book that we all read in high school, but that perhaps we might re-read differently all these years later — The Inferno of Dante:

“Midway on our life’s journey I found myself
In dark woods, the right road lost. To tell
About those woods is hard–so tangled and rough.

And savage that thinking of it now, I feel
The old fear stirring; death is hardly more bitter.
And yet, to treat the good I found there as well

I’ll tell you what I saw…
–From The Inferno of Dante, Robert Pinsky trans.” (pp. 57)

Parker picks up after the quote with a gripping statement:

Midway in my life’s journey, ‘way closed’ again, this time with a ferocity that felt fatal: I found myself in the dark woods called clinical depression, a total eclipse of light and hope. But after I emerged from my sojourn in the dark and had given myself several years to absorb meaning, I saw how pivotal that passage had been on my pilgrimage toward selfhood and vocation. Though I recommend it to no one–and I do not need to, for it arrives unbidden is too many lives–depression compelled me to find the river of life hidden beneath the ice.” (pp. 57-58)

At some point in all of our lives we may experience some form of depression as we also find ourselves “midway in life’s journey.” But it is Parker’s account of his own depression that can help offer us a different way to look at it. In a sense, he offers us a paradoxical take on depression that sets up a paradigm through which to view depression that is so foreign to our culture. Most of us want to do anything we can to avoid the difficulty in life, while if at all possible numb out any painful experience we have with medications, alcohol, drugs, sex, etc. But perhaps mental health problems like depression and anxiety are the catalyst to help us see life in a new way.

Of course, this is not a paradigm that is easily seen in the midst of the “dark night of the soul“, but I am thankful for Parker’s words as it has helped me, help clients view their own depression from a different angle.

And so as I close, here is the theological re-frame that was offered up to Parker by his therapist:

“After hours of careful listening, my therapist offered an image that helped me eventually reclaim my life. ‘You seem to look upon depression as the hand of an enemy trying to crush you,’ he said. ‘Do you think you could see it instead as the hand of a friend, pressing you down to the ground on which it is safe to stand?

Amid the assaults I was suffering, the suggestion that depression was my friend seemed impossibly romantic, even insulting. But something in me knew that down, down to the ground, was the direction of wholeness, thus allowing that image to begin its slow work of healing me.

I started to understand that I had been living an ungrounded life, living at an altitude that was inherently unsafe. The problem with living at high altitude is simple: when we slip, as we always do, we have a long, long way to fall, and the landing may well kill us. The grace of being pressed down to the ground is also simple: when we slip and fall, it is usually not fatal, and we can get back up.”

“The grace of being pressed down…..” Perhaps in our darkest nights of depression it is the hand of God that is pressing us down…an act of grace that leaves us grounded and more whole.

[Interesting aside: Parker was reticent to write about his depression until he was asked to contribute an article on the theme of the "wounded healer" in memory of his friend Henri Nouwen who had also suffered at times from depression and wrote about it in several places]

Communication: What ‘To Say’ And ‘Not To’ Say To A Depressed Man

January 24, 2012 in Marriage-Family, Therapy-Psychology with 7 Comments

“What is the most important thing you can do for a depressed husband, father, or son? Without a doubt it is to communicate love and acceptance to them with all the power you can muster, and to avoid blaming them or being judgmental about their depression. Your loved one has not chosen to be depressed. If he could, he would gladly give it up. Disappointing as this truth may be, try to accept his depression in your life with grace.” (Unmasking Male Depression by Archibald Hart, pp. 227)

After my last post on male depression I have been receiving a steady stream of questions from people about what to do if a male they know is depressed (their husband, father, son, friend, etc.). Keep in mind that there is no correct way to go about being with, or communicating with someone who is depressed. Each person’s experience of depression is very unique to them (though there are very similar characteristics that we could extrapolate). So take the pressure off of yourself to try and fix the situation, because it’s not something you can fix.

One of the places to begin is in how we communicate with a male who is depressed. And again for guidance I lean on some of the suggestions of Archibald Hart. He states that it is helpful to keep some of these guidelines in mind:

  • “Listen to more than words. One of the biggest mistakes you can make is to pay too much attention to what is said, and not to what is meant. Depressed men can say some pretty nasty things. They can be mean in what they say, but they don’t necessarily mean what they say.”


  • “Make time to talk. A depressed man will want to draw back into his shell. He will certainly not be the one to initiate talking–so be prepared to do it. Set aside a particular time so that he won’t be taken by surprise (say over dinner), then allow him not to talk if that is what he wants.”


  • “Try to listen more than talk. Perhaps the most important thing you can do for your depressed loved one is listen. Romans 12:5 tells us to ‘weep with them that weep’ and listening is as good as, if not better than, our biggest tears.”


  • “Try to reflect back what he is saying. Often what someone says or doesn’t say is not what they really want to say.”


  • Be sensitive to how his ego has been affected. The male ego is a powerful thing. It will have already been damaged by the depression, so don’t damage it anymore.”

One of the communication skills that I like to experiment in therapy with couples can be helpful in a situation such as this. First, mark a time on the schedule where you both agree to talk. For the person who wants to talk this scheduling alleviates some anxiety, confusion, and wondering about whether or not time to talk will ever take place. And for the man who is reticent about talking, it frees him up from being hounded to talk, and from being surprised by an impromptu talk at the wrong moment. Second, put time constraints on the conversation. For example, bring a timer to the conversation and set it for 15 minutes. Knowing how long the talk will be may relieve the pressure a depressed man feels about talking. It also keeps a boundary around the conversation so that it doesn’t start to “rabbit trail” in a variety of non-helpful and even painful directions. Third, in the allotted time given (better to start small, 5-15 minutes and build when he is ready to talk more), use the space to allow him to talk about how he is feeling (say 2-3 minutes). And then reflect back what you heard (say 2-3 minutes). And then allow him to affirm whether or not you understood him correctly (2-3 minutes). Done. No trying to solve the depression for him. No trying to fix it for him. See this short time of connection as a building block to future health.

In closing, I am going to cite some statements by Archibald Hart concerning what are helpful and not helpful things to say to a depressed man:

“The Best Things You Can Say To The Depressed Man In Your Life” (pp. 231)

  • “I love you and always will because you are important to me.”


  • “I can’t really feel what you are feeling, but I want to understand.”


  • “The best I can offer you right now is to be your friend.”


  • “You don’t have to apologize for the way you feel, because I know you can’t really control it.”


  • “You are not alone in this; I will stay by you until it’s over.”


  • “This won’t last forever, and when it’s over we’ll sing God’s praises together.”


  • “God isn’t causing this. He wants to help you bear it.”


  • “Some of God’s greatest servants have also suffered from depression–and God helped them through it.”

Those are some things that Hart feels would be helpful things to say. Again, you know the depressed man in your life better than anyone, so you will need to weigh those statements and take in to consideration if they would be helpful or not. Depending where I was in a depression, I would find some of the statements above helpful, and others not so much.

Hart continues:

“The Worst Things You Can Say To The Depressed Man In Your Life” (pp. 235)

  • “Get your life together; you are a man and can control yourself if you try.”


  • “God isn’t pleased with your life at the moment. Maybe you have unforgiven sin.”


  • “Stop feeling so sorry for yourself and just try a little harder.”


  • “I don’t know how much more of this I can take. You are driving me crazy.”


  • “Remember that there are many people in this world who are worse off than you.”


  • “I’m beginning to think that it was a mistake for me to marry you.”


  • “You should stop seeing those quacks and taking those pills because they’re changing your brain.”


  • “Believe me, I know how you feel because I was depressed once and I didn’t make a meal of it.”

I pretty much can’t imagine where any of the statements above would be helpful at any time.


If you are a man suffering from depression I encourage you to get help from a professional counselor. And if you know a male suffering from depression, I encourage you to walk alongside of that person during this difficult journey and to help them get the resources and professional help that they need.

The Angry…I Mean, Depressed Male: Do You Know Him?

January 19, 2012 in Marriage-Family, Therapy-Psychology with 12 Comments

Over the last several months when I have gathered for lunch with a few of my friends, we joke about the idea of me writing a follow up book to The Anxious Christian called The Angry Christian. Don’t worry, that is not on my to do list, but our conversation hints at an issue that can be seen in our Christian culture.

If you haven’t noticed, there seems to be a lot of angry Christians out there. And more often than not, they are men.

But what I’m really wondering is if there isn’t just a bunch of depressed Christian men out there…and really,  men in general.

In the book Unmasking Male Depression, Archibald Hart lists off a few statistics (pp. 3):

  • 80 percent of all suicides in the United States are men
  • The male suicide rate at midlife is three times higher than at other times; for men over 65, it is seven times higher
  • 20 million American men will experience depression sometime in their life
  • 60-80 percent of depressed adults never get professional help, and men are at the top of the list here
  • It can take up to ten years and exposure to at least three mental health professionals to properly diagnose this disorder
  • 80-90 percent of men seeking treatment can get relief from their symptoms

This book was published in 2001, so I wonder what the statistics are today. Certainly higher I would imagine.

More and more men are coming into my office these days because they complain that they just don’t seem to know what is wrong with them. But when a man finds himself in my office I want to communicate to them that it is a huge step of courage on their part. Many men do not reach out for help, so if they take the step to call and actually come in, then I know something is seriously wrong. Hart writes (pp. 8):

“Being a man can be hazardous to your health, especially when you have to maintain your masculine identity at all costs. Generally, men are less willing to admit to depression because they believe, irrationally, that being depressed is a sign of weakness. They are also less likely to want to discuss the topic, for fear, I suppose, that they may discover something about themselves that they don’t like–that they are less manly than they think they are. Depression, the subliminal male self-believes, is a ‘feminine’ problem, so therefore, I cannot be depressed. It’s only logical, so don’t even suggest the idea.”

So maybe underneath all that anger is a man who really needs some help. Maybe you are that man. If you are, then one of the biggest acts of courage that you can do is to reach out for help. You are not alone.

And if you know a male who is struggling with depression, maybe there are some ways that you can come alongside of him and encourage him get the help he needs.

So what are some signs of male depression, since it so often looks different than female depression. Again, I turn to Archibald Hart for some good insight (pp. 29):

  • Blames others for his depression
  • Acts on his inner turmoil
  • Needs to maintain control at all costs
  • Overly hostile, irritable
  • Attacks when hurt
  • Tries to fix the depression by problem solving
  • Turns to sports, TV, sex, alcohol
  • Feels ashamed by depression
  • Becomes compulsive, time keeper
  • Terrified to confront weakness
  • Tries to maintain strong male image
  • Tries to act away his depression
  • Turns to alcoholism and other addictions

This last summer my father and step-mom spent a month on a small lake in Minnesota. When my dad returned home he commented on how each day he could sit outside and hear all around the lake conversations of men who were sitting in their fishing boats all day fishing. My dad wondered if that type of male bonding wasn’t a form of therapy for them. Whether it was fishing, hunting, or playing sports together, maybe that is a way and a place for men to emotionally connect and process that anger, anxiety, depression and other emotions they were experiencing.

But we are living in a society that has become increasingly fractured and fast paced and men might be losing the ability to connect. And technology that men so often love may actually create a disconnection and with that disconnection comes a sense of loneliness that can foster depression.

I don’t have all the answers, but I do know this. For every angry man I come across in life, I now ask myself, “Is he depressed?”