I’m currently reading a really great book, Restoration Therapy: Understanding and Guiding Healing in Marriage and Family Therapy by Terry D. Hargrave and Franz Pfitzer. In fact, I can’t recommend it enough.
But as I was reading last night this section of the book jumped off the page at me. It jumped off the page at me because they finally said what I have been thinking before regarding the role and risk of openness and authenticity, but have been unable to formulate myself.
There is a culture (Millennials, certain church environments, etc.) that highly values openness and authenticity, but it is often just about being those things…rather than what those things can lead to. So for example you hear people say, “This is just who I am…either you accept me or you don’t.” Or “I’m just being real.” Or, “I’m just being honest with you…that’s how God created me.”
We like talking about our flaws and imperfections in an authentic way with others. But the purpose of being authentic is not just about sharing our flaws and imperfections…nor is just about being open in order to be accepted for who we are. Rather, true openness and authenticity reflect back to us ways in which we need to grow as people. But too many of us stop short from allowing that reflection to transform who we are…we seem to just be content frolicking in our flaws and imperfections, demanding that others just accept who we are…because after all we tell ourselves, “Hey, this is just me…this is just who I am…God made me this way.”
But God wants more from us…He wants us to grow and to be transformed not only individually but in our relationships with others.
Glad I came across this passage that really brought some clarity to this issue for me.
“A person is only being human and worthy of respect and admiration when open about flaws and imperfections so he or she can deal with them honestly.
Openness is essential for us to be able to trust in relationships because it allows us to deal constructively with these elements of imperfection. If I know that I am imperfect, am unreliable in the way I perform my responsibilities, or irresponsible toward justice in relationships, then deep down I know that everyone copes with the same problem. When one is open about these flaws, the person is openly acknowledging that areas of deficiency; this makes it much more likely that the person will use the openness as an opportunity to correct shortcomings and to grow. Openness alone about flaws without addressing the shortcoming is unfortunate in relationships because it demands that the other relational partner simply adjust to the shortcoming and live as if a problem cannot be corrected or is actually no problem. While we agree acceptance in relationships is important (Jacobson & Christensen, 1998), we do feel that untrustworthy and unloving behavior in relationships is unacceptable….Openness is not about saying, ‘This is the way I am, and to be in a relationship with me means that you take me as I am.’ Rather, it means, ‘This is what I see in myself, and I believe that I can be better.’ When openness points towards growth, our imperfections and flaws and those of our relational partners actually pull us together more clearly in an intimate bond.” (pp. 27)
Wow, great stuff, Rhett. While openness and authenticity are certainly important, I have long been uncomfortable with the idea that those things are essentially valued for their own sake (as you put it much more eloquently in the post). Hargrave and Pfitzer really hit the nail on the head in the passage you quoted.
I can’t help but wonder if “being open and authentic” in the fashion you describe in the beginning of the post is simply an overreaction to a culture where there is often pressure to appear that we have it all together and that our lives are under control. The irony, of course, is that this sort of approach to openness essentially functions in the same way that pretending we have everything together does: They are two ways of avoiding the hard work of dealing with our own brokenness.
Openness and authenticity are incredibly important, but they, like so many other things, are a means to an end. When they become an end in themselves that’s a big problem. Thanks for this post and thanks for sharing that excellent quote.
Brian,
Thanks for sharing your thoughts here. I’m a bit slow in responding. There is great irony here in some ways as you mentioned above. But you are right in that they are a means to an end…meaning our growth as people. Thanks for sharing…I know we could probably talk about our own journeys doing ministry there in LA in college and other places and the pressure to appear to have it all together.
Rhett
I love this post as it relates to what the315project seems to be doing towards encouraging us to be open and authentic about all we aren’t and all He is. Are brokenness is a smal part of the bigger story!
Thanks for challenging me.
Todd,
Thanks for commenting. I have checked out your work at the315project and like what you all are doing….
Rhett
Rhett,
Thank you for the great post!
I have met many people who subscribe immediately to the disposition that if they are experiencing and issue — well — “this is who I am” or “I am just wired this way” responses instantly come to surface — exactly what you wrote about.
What would you say it the best way to approach this? With your spouse, family, friends, co-workers — because this skill is vital in any relationship.
Some people do not want to talk about the real issues that they are struggling with — and I have noticed that it takes a lot of time to build the relational equity before the person opens up — and desires to accept the counsel you are providing to them.
Peace,
Bogdan.
Bogdan,
Great question and no easy answer. Ultimately we have to be invested in relationships with others, in positions where we are allowed a voice into their lives. When we have earned this right, then I think we can approach them in humility and dig deeper with them…seeing what’s underneath…exploring that “maybe there is more to who you are than just what you are telling me.”
But I think it starts with a strong commitment to community and to one another. Plus, we can set boundaries with others that we come across or are in relationship with. Boundaries that begin to reflect back to them that their suggestion that “this is just who I am and deal with it” is not something that you have to tolerate in a healthy relationship.
Rhett
I love what Paul says to the Ephesians in chapter 4 – “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen {v. 29}.
Being authentic and open is not all about me. It’s all about you. And if what I’m going to “share” is not going to be of help to you, it would be wise of me to reconsider speaking …
If there’s something I’ve got to get off my chest, I’m much better going to the Lover of my soul and coming clean with Him!
Linda,
Great passage of scripture….important for us to remember.
Rhett
Yeah, but it takes two to tango, as the saying goes. If partner A displays a flaw that hurts partner B, and she takes a hike without ever giving A the chance to openly address his flaws, there is no reparation. Christians too often buy into society’s view that when we are hurt by someone, we move on and call that forgiveness. But, real Christian forgiveness ought to be modeled after Christ on the Cross. He did not go there to “move on” but so, despite our flaws and sins, our relationship with God can be repaired.
I find it interesting that central to reparation vertically, is confession, perhaps like the openness that Rhett writes about above.
wiprof,
It does take two to tango. But it ultimately begins with us taking responsibility for ourselves, and often worrying less about what the other is doing. Because as you suggest, are relationships as Christians are rooted in Christ first.
Rhett
Great post, Rhett. As others have said here, authentically and openly presenting yourself is one thing. Being authentically and openly in transforming relationship is another.
Thanks Beloved Spear for the encouragement….
Rhett
We are only agents of change in the lives of one another when our openness and authenticity invites the feedback of others. For, sanctification, the heart of the change process, begins when mercy and truth meet within the context of the relational arean, both with God and with others.
Thank you for your post and your quote!
Thanks Kim for sharing….
Rhett