Archive - June, 2011

An Experience and a Book to Radically Transform Your Marriage

June 21, 2011 in Marriage-Family, Pastoral Counseling, Therapy-Psychology with 4 Comments

If you find me talking about something a lot then that means I’m a huge believer in it.

And you would be hard pressed to find me talking more about something this last year than The Hideaway Marriage Experience and 5 Days to a New Marriage.

I blogged about my first experience at The Hideaway in November of last year. Since that first trip last year I have returned 3 more times as a co-therapist and have now gone on staff as one of the therapists. On top of that, their new book 5 Days to a New Marriage has been released (this month).

No experience has more fundamentally changed my marriage than my time at The Hideaway (and I haven’t even gone with my wife yet since I’m always doing therapy). That’s how powerful the experience is. Heather and I have been working through the book together and we have come to a new place in our marriage where it’s not just about having a good marriage, but a great marriage that is continually growing and thriving. But it’s the model developed at The Hideaway (by Shawn Stoever and Terry Hargrave) and presented in the book that has helped Heather and I understand each other in new ways.

I’m going to be spending some time over the next couple of months writing more about the experience at The Hideaway as well as talking about the model that is presented in the book. I believe that both have the power to change your marriage in amazing ways.

If you are interested in having me present a marriage workshop based on the 5 Days to a New Marriage book, or you are interested in having me train your staff or lay leaders in the model, then please let me know.

I have used a lot of marriage books, models, and tools during my time as a pastor and therapist, but I have found NOTHING as good as what they have developed here.

So don’t wait to transform your marriage.

Start today by attending a marriage intensive, picking up the book, or having me come out and lead a marriage workshop.

Your marriage is worth it.

Managing Anxiety in the Family System: How Couples Can Do a Better Job of Owning Their Own Anxiety

June 7, 2011 in Marriage-Family with 2 Comments

I would estimate that in about 70%-80% of the situations in which kids are brought into my office for counseling, the presenting problems have less to do with the individual child, and more to do with what is happening in the larger family system, and more particularly in the couple’s marriage (or former marriage). The children have often become the scapegoats or the symptom-bearers for the marital problems.

One of the newer relationships that I have become engaged in is a relationship with the Fuller Youth Institute. I love the work that they do in providing training, research and resources for youth workers, youth and families. In June I wrote an article for their E-Journal called Managing Anxiety in the Family: Strategies for Changing Our Relationship Dance.

Anxiety is a huge issue in the lives of many people, and it is often manifested in the lives of the youth I work with. In this article I wanted to help families understand how anxiety works within the family system, and how when couples avoid relational conflict they often end up placing their anxiety onto the lives of their kids. I hope that you will find some of my recommended strategies helpful, and that you become not only more aware of this issue, but that it will also help you avoid casting your anxiety onto others in the process.

How Ministry Leaders Avoid the Hard Work of Boundary Setting

June 1, 2011 in Ministry-Theology, Pastoral Counseling, Pastoral Leadership, Therapy-Psychology with 3 Comments

We talk a lot about boundaries in our culture.

“Boundaries define us. They define what is me and what is not me. A boundary shows me where I end and someone else begins, leading me to a sense of ownership.

Knowing what I am to own and take responsibility for gives me freedom.” (Boundaries, Townsend and Cloud, pp. 29)



In fact, boundaries is one of the first things I address most often in my therapeutic work because a lack of clear and defined boundaries often leads to many problems in relationships with people. If people don’t have clear boundaries they often have a confused sense-of-self and identity.

But I feel like I’ve started to notice a trend regarding boundaries, especially in ministry circles.

The trend is this

A pastor/ministry leader/lay leader, et cetera makes a sweeping or non-negotiable statement about the boundaries they are practicing or want to practice.

Usually the statement comes from up front, preferably in front of many people as possible (Sunday worship perhaps) so as to communicate to as many people at one time the established boundary.

It may go something like this

“Because our church is so big, or because I’m so busy, I want you to know that I will NEVER personally return any emails/phone calls that you send to me. And I will NEVER meet you one on one at dinner/lunch/coffee, et cetera. I have a family and it’s a boundary that I have set in order to protect them.”

Though there are situations that this may be appropriate, it often feels like many ministry leaders do this in an attempt to avoid the difficult task of establishing healthy boundaries that can only come about in up and close relationships and interactions with other people.

Sure, it’s easier to just cut people off and avoid them.

Sure it’s easier to tell 6,000 people you will never return their emails than to have a heart to heart conversation with them about why you are setting a boundary with them regarding their emails.

It certainly helps us try and squash our own anxiety…but it certainly doesn’t lead to the relational growth that I think is necessary for not only people…but especially ministry leaders.

We only grow as people when we have to do the day in and day out hard work of being in relationship with people. We don’t grow by avoiding them or cutting them off.

I definitely think ministry leaders can do a better job of setting boundaries, but I just wonder sometimes if they avoid it because it’s such hard, ongoing work. Nothing is easier than getting up front and just delivering a boundary in front of 6,000 people. That way we can avoid the individual relational interaction and just address the big, anonymous crowd before us.

And when we do this, I wonder if we are actually avoiding the task of being a pastor.

How do you go about setting boundaries in your own life and ministry work? Any tips or suggestions?