Archive - January, 2011

“The Power of Vulnerability”: Implications for Our Identity, Relationships, and Vocation

January 27, 2011 in Marriage-Family, Therapy-Psychology with 2 Comments

Brene Brown: The power of vulnerability

This is just a great, great TED talk by Brené Brown, Ph.D., LMSW, who is a research professor at the University of Houston Graduate College of Social Work.

She has spent the past ten years studying vulnerability, courage, authenticity, and shame. Brené spent the first five years of her decade-long study focusing on shame and empathy, and is now using that work to explore a concept that she calls Wholeheartedness. She poses the questions:

How do we learn to embrace our vulnerabilities and imperfections so that we can engage in our lives from a place of authenticity and worthiness? How do we cultivate the courage, compassion, and connection that we need to recognize that we are enough – that we are worthy of love, belonging, and joy?

[HT: Michael Chapman]

Note to Men: It’s About Being Intentional

January 17, 2011 in Marriage-Family, Ministry-Theology with 8 Comments

I’m not sure why I wanted to write about this topic now. Because in reality, I have been thinking about it for a long time.

Maybe it’s because I work with a lot of men. And maybe because a lot of the men I work with (both in counseling and in ministry) struggle between two opposites. They often wrestle with being passive or being aggressive (angry).

It’s hard to not notice that there has been lots of talk about passive men over the last two decades. I’m not sure where it all began. But in the early 90′s up till now there have been movements and cultural icons of what being a man is about.

Perhaps the more recent images of manliness began with the Promise Keepers’ Movement and Robert Bly’s book, Iron John: A Book about Men –both appearing in 1990.

It really seemed to pick up steam in 2001 with the publication of Wild at Heart.

One thing I do know for sure, lots of men were left with the idea that they needed to head out into the wilderness, brandish their swords, and go to battle. Anything but living out the image of Braveheart (1996) or Gladiator (2000) resulted in not being a man.

I’m obviously overstating the case, but if you attended any Christian conferences, retreats, speaking engagements in the 1990′s and 2000′s it was hard to avoid references to both of those iconic images of men portrayed in those movies. I probably made some of the references myself.

It often felt like pastors, writers, bloggers, and just about everyone else piled on the topic, encouraging men to be more, well, more like men.

And honestly, there is lots of analysis, and lots of direction I could go, but I want to keep it simple.

I have found that being a man is about being intentional (characterized by conscious design or purpose). Too many think that the opposite of being a “passive” or “nice” guy means becoming aggressive or angry.

It’s not. It’s about living a life with intention.

Being intentional in your marriage.

Being intentional with your kids.

Being intentional in your vocation.

Being intentional with your friendships.

Being intentional about your faith.

Men who are intentional seem to be men in other people’s eyes. In the eyes of their wives, kids, friends, c0-workers, etc.

By the way. I have been to two Promise Keepers. I have read Wild at Heart. I love both Braveheart and Gladiator. And they have all been super influential and helpful in my life. But thankfully I don’t have to brandish a sword to be a man, but instead can be a man by living a life of intentionality.

Change and Transition: Re-Defining and Re-Negotiating Your Marital Roles

January 10, 2011 in Marriage-Family, Transitioning with 5 Comments


[image by the Welsh Poppy]

In a marriage, changes abound.

The couple may move houses. They may move states.  They might have a child, or two, or three, or more.

The mom may work as a stay at home mom. Or maybe even the dad might take up that work (I did for a short period of time–easy change, but super hard transition).

They might change jobs, or go back to school.  One of them might get cancer.

Change is going to happen, and the couple is going to have to adjust to the changes.

But what they might not do is transition.

Perhaps a couple has kids that begin to go to school, and the wife/mom who has always worked full-time as a stay at home mom is now re-entering the work force outside of the home. That is a huge change. But I wonder how many couples work through the transition of that? And why is that important? Because though the change has happened, dealing with it psychologically, emotionally, relationally, spiritually, etc. is a whole other aspect of that change.

What happens when that mom goes back into the work force full-time? Does the dad expect the mom to continue on not only with her new job, but also all the same things she did before she worked outside the home? If expectations are not discussed, and are different, then their roles need to be re-defined and re-negotiated, because the change brought about a transition they were unprepared for.

What To Do?
People change and grow and evolve, and so it only makes sense then that so do marriages. Couples need to sit down and look at the evolution of their marriage and how what originally helped them define their roles has perhaps changed. In recognizing that things have changed, then a couple can begin to assess and negotiate how things might now look.

With change in a marriage not only comes the need to transition, but to possibly re-define and re-negotiate the roles. I feel like this is a process that my wife and I are constantly in as we continue to work through changes in our own marriage. When I resigned my job as college pastor at Bel Air Presbyterian Church in 2008, that was a pretty easy change. But it was a super hard transition. And there was a re-defining and re-negotiating of our marital roles. We went from both working, to one working, to me being the primary caregiver, and my wife the primary breadwinner. Easy change. Hard transition. Lots of re-defining and re-negotiating.

Look at some key areas of the relationship that have perhaps changed over the course of the marriage, or that you would like to see change.  Here are some that come up fairly often in my work with couples:

  • Re-Defining and Re-Negotiating the tasks around “keeping house” (i.e. laundry; dishes; cooking; cleaning; yard work, etc.)
  • Re-Defining and Re-Negotiating parenting roles
  • Re-Defining and Re-Negotiating vocation roles (one income/two income; part-time; full-time; etc)
  • Re-Defining and Re-Negotiating hobbies and activities (helping a partner make time for them and achieve them)
  • Re-Defining and Re-Negotiating dreams, goals (travel; volunteer work; retirement; passions; etc.)
  • Re-Defining and Re-Negotiating spiritual life (place of worship; certain beliefs/practices; etc.)

When couples engage one another in the practice of re-defining and re-negotiating roles in their marital relationship, they are also giving their partner the ability to begin to dream again of some things that they might want for their life.  Things that have possibly never been discussed, or that have laid dormant for years.  “Many times, spouses, are willing to make sacrifices for each other and the relationship, but are unaware of what the goals and dreams of their partners are about” (The Essential Humility of Marriage by Terry Hargrave, pp. 193).

Change vs. Transition: Why Most People Will Fail at Achieving Their 2011 Goals

January 6, 2011 in Therapy-Psychology, Transitioning with 8 Comments

Without a transition, a change is just a rearrangement of the furniture.

–William Bridges

I can easily say that I learn as much from my clients in the course of a therapy session, then perhaps they often learn from me. At the end of each day when the last client has left the office, and I lock my door and head home, I am grateful for the many insights that come in my interaction with them.

Recently, one very astute client declared during session, “I love change, but hate transition.”

I was instantly intrigued. My blog for many years has had the tagline, “Transitioning Life’s Journey“, and transition is a topic that I speak a lot on, and that has been an important concept in my own life. But I don’t think I have thought much about the difference between change and transition.

And there is a big difference. Failure to differentiate the two can lead a person down two very different paths.

In the book, Transitions: Making Sense of Life’s Changes (HT: to my dad Timothy Smith and my friend Adam McHugh for suggesting this book to me) William Bridges differentiates the two very nicely:

Our society confuses them constantly, leading us to imagine that transition is just another word for change. But it isn’t. Change is your move to a new city or your shift to a new job. It is the birth of your new baby or the death of your father. It is the switch from the old health plan at work to a new one, or the replacement of your manager by a new one, or it is the acquisition that your company just made.

In other words, change is situational. Transition on the other hand, is psychological (bold added for emphasis). It is not those events, but rather the inner reorientation and self-redefinition that you have to go through in order to incorporate any of those changes into your life. Without a transition, a change is just a rearrangement of the furniture. Unless transition happens, the change won’t work, because it doesn’t ‘take.’ Whatever word we use, our society talks a lot about change; but it seldom deals with transition. Unfortunately for us, it is the transition that blind-sides us and is often the source of our troubles.

And that is the very reason for why many of the changes that people hope to make in 2011 won’t “take.” They will spend all their time making the situational changes, but little or none of the psychological changes.

A husband and wife will commit to change some habits and commit to more date nights, but they may do little or nothing of the psychological work to build and maintain an emotional, spiritual, physical and psychological connection. Date nights alone don’t make for an improved marriage.

A pastor may make changes to the mission of the church he or she pastors, but may have dealt with little or none of the psychological issues in their own lives that may hamper them from effectively bringing about the change. New mission statements don’t make for a new vision.

A recent college graduate may make the change to move to a new city for a new job, thinking this is the answer to their loneliness and feeling of disconnection, but may do little or nothing in the way of dealing with psychological issues that are at the root of the problems. A change of scenery doesn’t create connection.

Change can come easy, but transitioning will take work. So don’t commit to just changing this year, but commit to transitioning.

Blog Focus 2011: Pastors, Marriages, & Adolescent to Young Adult Transition

January 3, 2011 in Uncategorized with 12 Comments


Image by Mykl Roventine

Since December of 2004 I have posted 1,298 times. There were periods where I posted 30 plus times a month, sometimes posting a couple of times a day. Some months I only posted a few times. And I have covered a variety of topics: focusing early on on ministry and theological issues, while more recently I have focused on issues related to relationships and technology.

One thing that has become more clear to me though this last year is that I want to be more focused on some very specific areas, and I want to plumb the depths more than I have been. I figure that God has created me with a certain variety of gifts, and that my work as a therapist and pastor, as well as my graduate training in marriage and family therapy, as well as theology, have equipped me to speak into certain areas of life.

For a long time I have found myself wanting to be like other bloggers that I admire, but ultimately we have to write out of what we know, experience, and who God has created us to be. It is only when we do that that I think we really enjoy blogging/writing, and then it is also possible to have the longevity to sustain not only the writing, but the passion over a long period of time. I think that’s one of the reasons I have blogged for the last six years…because I continue to find things that interest me and move on from them when they no longer do.

And now I have come to a new phase of life personally, relationally, and vocationally…and I want to focus my writing more on those things that interest me…and that I think can benefit others.

So my goal for 2011 is to focus on these three areas, and that whenever I write on an issue, it will funnel itself into one of these categories.

Pastoral Counseling/Pastoral Identity
I was raised in the home of a pastor. I have been a part of church community my entire life. I have been pastoring for the last 13 years vocationally, and more years “unvocationally” (probably not a word). In a sense, it is in my blood. The life and identity of a pastor is something that very much intrigues me, and now that I am a therapist and work with pastors, I am more and more convinced that this is an area that I must focus on. Pastors carry out unique functions in community and Church, and with those functions come demands and expectations that can create all kinds of havoc on their identities, marriages, relationships, etc. And I’m concerned at the number of pastors who recommend counseling to others, but rarely feel that they need it themselves. So I hope to explore issues related to being a pastor this coming year, covering topics such as marriage, family, power, identity, etc.

Marriage
I know, there are lots of people who write on marriage, but it’s something I have a passion for as most of my therapy work is with couples, and I continue to do more research in that area. It’s very powerful to be part of a process that helps couple’s in their marriage, and I want to share some of those things with you during this next year. As I talk about marriage I will cover topics such as sex, attachment, kids, vocation, spirituality, etc.

Adolescence to Young Adult Transition
I have always been fascinated with the transitions that take place in life, but especially during this stage of life. Different theorists will have different ages listed for this transition, but I’m primarily interested in somewhere between the ages of 16-36, and the major shifts in identity that take place during this time period. It is a very important stage in life, in that how one navigates the tasks during this time can set forth the trajectory for how they move through life itself. I will focus on topics such as identity making, vocation, relationships, anxiety, etc.

I know I have written a lot about technology these last couple of years, and it will continue to play a role, but only in as much as it makes sense to talk about in these areas of focus.

I’m not putting out a schedule of how often I post, but look for me to post more frequently this new year than I have this last year. But when I do post, I want to make sure I’m not just writing to write…just to post something…but that I’m writing something that has something worthwhile to be said.

If you have any ideas, thoughts, or input for any of these areas of focus, please let me know. I would love to hear from you.