Archive - September, 2010

Youth Ministry, Boundaries, and Burnout — Part 3: Have a Schedule

September 29, 2010 in Ministry-Theology, Therapy-Psychology with 1 Comment

This is the third post in five part series on Youth Ministry, Boundaries, and Burnout. Be sure to check out the previous posts, Youth Ministry as a Stepping Stone (Fail), and Looking at the Population You Serve.

One of the great benefits of ministry in general, but especially youth ministry…can also be it’s greatest downfall, and risk to whether or not you set healthy boundaries and are able to survive the awesome and chaotic world of youth ministry without burning out.

One word — SCHEDULE!

In most churches that I know, youth ministers have all the freedom in the world to create, minister, and live by their own schedules. Except for some set things (i.e. staff meetings, services, etc.) they can create their own schedule. That is truly one of the great things about working in that world…and I can honestly say, it’s not truly appreciated…not even closely appreciated, until you have a job that doesn’t allow you that freedom. Trust me, I know from experience.

But this freedom to create one’s schedule in youth ministry also puts the youth worker at the greatest risk for burnout and unhealthy boundaries as well. WHY? Because if one is not careful, their ministry, life and schedule is soon dictated by everyone else…and will often be dictated by the slightest whim or impulse. And remember, we are already working in an environment, and with a population who hasn’t really really figured out yet how to set healthy boundaries, and who most likely doesn’t care if you are on the path to major flame out…until of course you are gone because you no longer can function.

Why is having a schedule important in youth ministry?

Because without a schedule you soon let really important things slip by. It doesn’t happen all at once, but is rather a slow slide away from essential things that are needed in your life and role as a youth worker.

You soon don’t make time for solitude and silence. Listening to God takes a back seat and the still, silent voice becomes muffled.

You soon don’t make time for a Sabbath. You work seven days a week, making justifications like “well, I take off a couple of half days here and there, or go in to work late.”

You soon don’t make time for pray. God soon seems distant and you feel disconnected.

You soon don’t make time for study and preparation. The teaching time is thrown together the day of or the hour before.

You soon don’t make time for students. The pastoral care that was once important to you slides away.

You soon don’t make time for your important relationships away from ministry. Your friends, spouse or children begin to feel like you are always working, always on call, or willing to drop their needs to meet the needs of the students you minister to.

And on and on and on…until one day you feel like you barely have the energy or motivation to serve in the ministry that once brought you so much life.

It won’t happen over night, but slow, subtle loss of your schedule, just makes it easier to justify some unhealthy boundary the next time…it may take months, it may take years..but it will happen if you aren’t careful.

If you don’t schedule things that are important to you, it won’t become long before you won’t have the time to do them at all.

What can you do?

  1. Sit down with a blank piece of paper and write down the most important things that you want to accomplish.  For you youth ministry work, your family life, friendships, personal life (goals, hobbies, etc.)  Just list them out


  2. Sit down with your youth ministry calendar and look at your work requirements (i.e. staff meetings, retreats, services, campus visits, pastoral care, preparation, pray, etc, etc.).


  3. Sit down with a blank calendar and begin to insert your work responsibilities and the additional things that are important to you.  Like a puzzle, see how they can fit, or not fit together in a schedule.


  4. Be thoughtful of things that can help reduce the risk of burnout and add them as well.  Things like exercise, rest, Sabbath, time with friends, etc.  Don’t forget to put those in there.


  5. Play around with the schedule.  See what maybe isn’t working.  Maybe you discover some things aren’t necessary, and other things are.  Maybe you realize that you are doing way too much and need to cut back on some things.  Maybe you realize you aren’t doing enough, and need more structure to your schedule.


  6. Continue to come to this exercise every few days and make adjustments. Like a budget that sometimes takes months to refine so it becomes a healthy working budget, this will take some time.  Don’t get frustrated.


  7. Include others in this process.  Co-workers, spouses, friends, etc.  They can often see our blind spots and give us good feedback.

Ultimately we often have to schedule things that are important to us.  Like prayer, exercise, and other habits that require discipline, so does living by a schedule.

Of course our schedule should never be so rigid that we can’t make exceptions and do what we need to do to be in the moment and be with others or meet their needs.  But trust me…no schedule means that you will rarely say no to things, and that you will eventually let go of the things that are important to you, and that will bring forth the life you need to minister long term in a healthy youth ministry.

Let me close with perhaps my favorite story about scheduling.  One of my favorite authors is Eugene Peterson (if you haven’t read him, or you don’t regularly return to his work–you are missing out…big time). In his book Under the Unpredictable Plant: An Exploration in Vocational Holiness, he says this:

“But here I was [like Jonah] on a religious ship on which God was peripheral to the bottom line, in the background of an enterprise that was mostly informed by psychology, sociology, and management-by-objective… Then, I found Fyodor Dostoyevsky… I took my appointments calendar and wrote in two-hour meetings with ‘FD’ three afternoons a week. Over the next seven months I read through the entire corpus, some of it twice. From three to five o’ clock on Tuesday, Thursday, and Friday I met with FD in my study and had leisurely conversations through Crime and Punishment, Letters from the Underworld, The Idiot, A Raw Youth, The Devils, and The Brothers Karamazov. I spent those afternoons with a man from whom God and passion were integral–and integrated. All winter long, through the spring, and a month or two into the summer, I hid away in my study reading Penguin paperbacks… And then the crisis was over. Thanks to Dostoyevsky, God and passion would never again be at risk, at least vocationally.”

I love that. We must make time for things that are important to us. Making time each week to read a novel; to spend in silence; to prepare for a talk; to spend in conversation with a friend; to care for a student — those aren’t moments just in and of themselves, but you are intentionally setting aside time that will have a greater and lasting impact on your ministry and longevity in it, then you can possibly imagine at the time.

Youth Ministry, Boundaries, and Burnout — Part 2: Looking at the Population You Serve

September 27, 2010 in Ministry-Theology, Therapy-Psychology with 4 Comments

This is the second in my series on Youth Ministry, Boundaries and Burnout, a topic which has become very important to me over the last couple of years.  In the last post I looked at how seeing youth ministry as a stepping stone to “move up” in the church world can create an environment of unhealthy boundaries and an inability to say no.

Today I want to talk about the population we serve in youth ministry — primarily those from middle school thru high school.

The reality that we often fail to take into consideration when serving this ministry population is that we are working with people who have most likely failed to set healthy boundaries in their own life — let alone know and understand what a healthy boundary is.  Left to themselves they would stay up all night, eat whatever they want, play video games all day, all the while wondering why you (their adult youth worker) shouldn’t be joining in all the fun as well.

Why is knowing this important?

Because one of the norms of adolescence is to test boundaries, and if you are unable to keep your own boundaries you will soon be giving into and playing by the same rules as the youth that you minister to.

What Can You Do?

  1. Know that your boundaries will be tested.  Being aware of this is an important step.  Just expect it to happen.


  2. Set healthy boundaries with your youth.  You do this by setting clear expectations of your role and relationship with them.  You talk about when you are and will be available.  When you will not be available.  What days you take off and are Sabbath days.  You talk about what days you set aside to spend time with your family (if you have one) or other important relationships in your life.  You talk about the difference between an emergency and a non-emergency.  In short, you are communicating to them clear, healthy expectations, therefore beginning to the lay the foundation for healthy relational boundaries between them and you.


  3. Don’t place your self-worth and identity in the kids you serve and in your role as a youth pastor.  Too many youth pastor’s identity is wrapped up in this role, therefore, their identity is dictated by their need to be wanted and affirmed by the youth.  This is a crazy place to be — and it’s a roller coaster ride.


  4. Model healthy boundaries to the youth you serve.  They need to know that you have a life.  That you have priorities.  They need to know that on certain nights you are unreachable because you and your wife are on a date.  They need to know that you take days off to rest and re-energize.  Of course there are always emergencies that we need to respond to, but too often we have placed ourselves in the position and have communicated to our students that we are the ONLY ones they need to come to if something is wrong.  And we often do this because it feeds our self-worth and identity — knowing we are needed and wanted.  So model healthy boundaries to your youth and equip them and your volunteers in ways that keep you from always be the go to person.


  5. Remember that boundary setting is part of the essential tasks for parents and youth workers in helping kids navigate through adolescence and into adulthood.  Kids who don’t have boundaries have a much more difficult time once they leave the home and youth ministry.  Check out Chap Clark’s Disconnected: Parenting Teens in a MySpace World. I think he does a great job of talking about boundary setting in youth.

What am I missing?  What would you add to this list?

Youth Ministry, Boundaries and Burnout — Part 1: Youth Ministry as a Stepping Stone (Fail)

September 24, 2010 in Ministry-Theology, Therapy-Psychology with 9 Comments

On Monday I had the awesome opportunity to hang out with about 100 youth pastors in the Dallas-Ft. Worth area. We were all attending a Youth Specialties luncheon, checking out their upcoming events, hearing about some of their ventures, and just having a good time networking with other youth pastors.

Hanging out with youth pastors is one of my favorite things to do. It’s just a fun, lively bunch of people to hang out with, and I have found over the years, that there is more rich theological thinking and praxis in youth ministry than in most other areas of the church (that’s why it’s a shame when pastors poke fun at youth ministry so much from the pulpit). I’ve never been a full-time youth pastor (i.e. middle school, jr. high, high school), but I’ve volunteered in them for years. I’ve held interim positions, been a college pastor for almost eight years, and I’m currently working part-time in the youth department at Highland Park Presbyterian Church working with families (thanks to my good friend Lars Rood who has given me the opportunity to do some cool stuff in this area).

Youth ministry is a great area of the church to work in.

But one of the things that I have noticed over the years is that we aren’t very good at setting healthy boundaries. Of course, there are a lack of boundaries in other areas and life stages of ministry, but I think youth ministry has it’s own challenges. And the more I work as a full-time marriage and family therapist, I have had more of a burning desire to help those in ministry, especially youth ministry, set healthy boundaries — and if you can establish those boundaries early on in life, they will reward you greatly.

So beginning with today’s post, I’m going to spend the next five posts talking about some specific things that often prevent us from establishing these healthy boundaries, and what you can do about it.

Youth Ministry as a Stepping Stone
I consider it a huge blessing that most of my friends in youth ministry, and those who have had, and continue to have the most impact on me are those who consider themselves youth ministry “lifers” — translation: they love youth ministry…their heart is in youth ministry…they aren’t in youth ministry in order to use it as a stepping stone to positions that are considered more elevated in the Church (i.e. associate pastor, head pastor, etc.) It’s hard to explain, but you can tell the difference between those who don’t see youth ministry as a stepping stone, and those who do. That doesn’t mean of course that you can’t leave that position later — nothing wrong with that — but it’s all about the current mindset of the youth worker.

Here’s then what I often see happening. When we place ourselves in positions where we are always looking to “move up”, we are less likely to set healthy boundaries. Why? Because there is always someone to impress (i.e. head pastor, elder board, etc.). That often translates in to working harder (in an unhealthy way), working more, and creating unhealthy boundaries — all which can eventually lead to burnout.

I recall a time early on in my college ministry career where I was asked at the last minute to do back to back international mission trips with about a two day turn around period. I said I would step in and lead those two trips (trips in which the leaders fell through at the last minute). But my motives were mixed. I wanted to do it to be helpful (and we all have to step in and fill the gap when others need help), but I also wanted to signal to my boss that he could always count on me to step in and be available. And that by doing that, hopefully they would realize I’m a great asset to the church, and they might one day consider me for a more “elevated” position in the church. I’m not saying I consciously thought all of this — and at the time I was super happy with college ministry, and not wanting any other position. But my desire to impress my boss, knowing that this moment may be a memory for him later on if he could count on me was something I thought about. So in order to impress him I sacrificed some relational commitments, school commitments, and it ended up being a real unhealthy time for me in regards to setting boundaries, and feeling burned out.

As I look back at this time I am able to identify it as a situation in which my inability to set clear, healthy boundaries, led me down a path of not being able to establish them for sometime down the road. In fact, it took me another 4-5 years to get to a healthier place, and I continue to work on those boundaries.

If as a youth pastor you are always looking at the next position in the Church, and not planted in the context you are currently serving, then it is that much more easy for you to say yes to things, rather than say no. Being planted in your ministry and not looking on to the next step allows you to have a clearer sense of identity and worth, rather than always looking for it in the next position.

Establish Clear Expectations
One of the things you can do as a youth pastor is to establish early on some clear expectations of your role. This sounds simple enough doesn’t it. But it’s not. I know too many youth ministers who are just so happy to get hired they lend themselves out to be almost a ministry “clean-up” person — always available to do anything that is asked — always willing to say yes — even if it’s not the healthy thing to do. Unfortunately, there are some pastors who know this, and who use their authority and power differential to call upon the youth pastor to pretty much do anything and everything out of their job description.

So if you haven’t established clear expectations yet, it’s never too late. I recommend for a youth pastor at some point (maybe an annual review) to bring forward a discussion of what some clear expectations of what their job description is. You can frame that conversation around self-care, stating that you are wanting to take better care of yourself in order not to burn out, and therefore, better serve, God, the ministry, and the students and families you work with. Establish some clear guidelines/expectations about days off, working overtime, being on call, your ability to serve in other ministries in the Church. Establish the expectation that you too want to be a part of the church as an attendee, and not just a youth pastor who can’t find a place to worship, pray, and be a part of a community as well.

One of the things we have to ask ourselves as youth pastor as well is this: “Am I in this job only as a step to the next church job?” Or “Am I doing this job cause I love it. Because I want to be here and nowhere else?” Knowing your answer to that question is an important step in understand who you are, and what some healthy boundaries in ministry may look like.

Next Steps
Here are some things you could do in the next few weeks/month to begin to establish some healthy boundaries in this area:

  1. Write up a new job description, inserting clear expectations about days off, hours you work, and what areas fall under your responsibility.  Discuss this with your supervisor, and if at all possible, have them help you do these things.


  2. Assemble an accountability groups consisting of some members of the church, and those who have no ties to the church.  Talk with them about your job and expectations, and use them as a barometer in how well you are doing.  Give them permission to step in and say something if you aren’t setting healthy boundaries.


  3. Take some time for self-reflection and determine the reasons for why you are in youth ministry.  Are you happy in youth ministry?  Is that where you feel God wants you?


  4. Practice saying no.  If asked to do something that you feel is a violation of some healthy boundaries…say no.  See what happens.  You have to start somewhere.


  5. If you are in a church setting where youth ministry isn’t valued that much, or where those in pastoral positions see it simply as a stepping stone — then take some time to re-evaluate if that is really the place for you.  How a church views youth ministry and your role, will say a lot in their ability to allow you to set healthy boundaries — or if they will actually be the perpetrator in violating those.

Have you ever found yourself violating healthy boundaries because you wanted to impress a pastor, a parent, an elder board, etc.?

Paying for Counseling (Reframing the Discussion Around Cost)

September 21, 2010 in Marriage-Family, Therapy-Psychology with 1 Comment

[image by tenaciousme]

I get it…paying for counseling is a big commitment, and can often be a hindrance for those seeking it out. Even though I’m in the counselor’s chair now, I still pay for my own counseling. So I can empathize with you.

I have had the same questions about the cost of counseling as you have had. And at one point, I put this question to my counselor (basically, how do you convince someone that paying for the cost of counseling is a good investment). He responded to me with something like this:

“Rhett, if I told you that you could pay $3,000 (that would have been about a 30 sessions at the time)…a dollar amount that most people don’t think twice about spending in clothes or trips or entertainment over that same period of time…but this $3,000 would change your life and marriage in a positive way…would that be worth it to you?”

“Of course it would be worth it!” I said.

You see, we spend all kinds of money on things. Things that we need, things that we don’t need, things that we want. How we spend our money says something about what is important to us because we have spent a lot of time and exerted a lot of hard work to get that money.

So if someone says to me, “I can’t afford marriage counseling,” yet I know they don’t think twice about buying the newest iPad, hipster jeans, weekend trip, or nice dinner out on the town — then I may wonder how important their marriage is to them, or how important it is for them to work on their issues. Maybe it’s not that important after all.

It’s not unusual for a couple to come to counseling and the husband tell me that they can’t afford counseling, yet he just bought a new boat. Something doesn’t add up here.

A few years ago I saw a counselor a little over a 100 times in less than a two year period. It was not only a huge commitment of time and energy, but a very big financial commitment as well. But I can easily say that that counseling was the catalyst that helped me grow the most that I have ever grown in my life. I didn’t know that going in, and so there was a risk there, not knowing if the financial investment was going to translate into the change I wanted. But I knew that getting into counseling was more important than spending that money on other things.

You see, people spend money on what is important to them, so if counseling is important, they will find the money, save the money, set the money aside, etc.

You can find counselors ranging from $20 to $300 and up. So there is some counselor that will fit into the price that you can afford.

So let me ask you the same question my therapist asked me, but with a different dollar amount:

“If I told you that a $1,000 worth of counseling (7-10 sessions) would change your life, your marriage, your family, and help you work through some personal issues, would that be worth your investment?”

If you need counseling, don’t put it off. There is always a way that it can be paid for. There are counselors who use sliding scale fees based on one’s income. There are those who take insurance. There are those who do some pro-bono work as well. Or maybe you have to put eating out off for a few months. Or postpone that trip to the beach. Or maybe you really don’t need the newest technological gadget, big screen tv, boat or car.

If finding counseling is worth it to you, you will find a way to make it happen.

Was the money you spent to see a counselor worth the financial investment you made? Why or why not?

If you couldn’t originally afford counseling, what did you do to save money for it?

My Advice to Husbands on the Topic of Counseling…GO!

September 1, 2010 in Marriage-Family, Therapy-Psychology with 6 Comments

If your wife EVER…I mean EVER, suggests to you, that you, or that the two of you should seek counseling.

GO!

“Couples don’t run to therapy at the first sign of trouble. Researchers estimate it often takes 5 to 7 yrs for some to seek help.” Marriage and Family/Sex Therapist David Schnarch

I find Schnarch’s comments to be so true. I would estimate that the average couple I work with end up in therapy about 2-3 years after the wife had initially suggested therapy. And it’s often not until the bottom completely falls out that the husband usually agrees to attend therapy.

The resulting feeling from the wife at this point has usually been one of resentment and anger….wondering “Why did it have to get to this point before he decided to come to counseling?” Or, “You all of a sudden agree to come to therapy, make all these changes…and I’m supposed to believe they are authentic. I’m supposed to all of a sudden overlook the last 2-3 years of me prodding you to come to counseling with me?”

Think what would happen that if at the first sign of relationship trouble a husband agrees to seek therapy with his wife. Think of all the problems and conflicts that can be addressed rather than letting…3, 4, 5 6, 7 years go by. What if a husband initiated professional help, rather than waiting for the wife to do it.

Any thoughts on why husbands are often so slow to seek professional help for their marriages?