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One of the things that seems to be a common trend among couples I work with in therapy is that there is an assumption about the relational boundaries that each of them will/are keeping. There is an assumption, but rarely something they have ever actually discussed.
I think they are rarely discussed because: 1) there is a fear that when discussed they will realize they aren’t on the same page, therefore leading to conflict. 2) since they assume they are on the same page, they feel no need to talk about them.
So here are some examples of common assumptions.
We assume that our partner will never cheat on us…but we don’t talk about some healthy relational boundaries to help us from being in vulnerable positions.
We assume our partner won’t go to an intimate lunch alone with someone of the opposite sex…but we don’t actually talk about that boundary.
We assume our partner won’t be texting people of the opposite sex late into the night about personal things..but we don’t talk about that boundary.
We assume that our partner won’t befriend their ex on Facebook and strike up a renewed friendship…but we don’t talk about that boundary.
Etc. Etc. Etc. Fill in your own assumption here.
I give these examples because they are some of the most common ones I come across.
Though there are several areas of boundaries I mentioned, one of the reasons that I mention text messaging is because it is constantly being cited by partners as a source of marital conflict. And with the privacy of cell phones, and the ease of texting, couples are able to hide things from each other, or avoid any type of accountability.
So what are you waiting for? Start having some conversations with your partner about what you assume are relational boundaries you both share, but you have never ever talked about. And I promise you that it will be both eye opening and helpful in you relationship growth.
Lest you think I don’t practice what I preach, just last week I sat down with my wife over coffee and initiated a conversation about the women that I send text messages to on occasion, what is said, and the purpose of the text. Did I feel that my texts were out of line? No. Does my wife trust me? Yes. But I realized that maybe I had some assumptions about those boundaries around texting. I wanted to make sure we talked them over. That we both had the same boundaries. That there wasn’t/isn’t any inappropriateness, etc. That she was comfortable with who I was texting and why. And that simple conversation led to one great conversation after another, and to some great relational connecting time between us.
Boundaries vary for everyone. Some people would say you should “never” (with some exceptions) text someone of the opposite sex when married. Others disagree. But if you haven’t talked about it, how do you know where you both stand on that issue in your relationship?
If you are afraid to have these conversations with your partner, then I would say that’s all the more reason to have them. What are you hiding?
I love the end of this article, “what are you hiding?” Doesn’t sin or the thought of being caught always cause you to hide something? It is so easy to cheat now, to slip a little, to pursue something outside of the marriage. If it isn’t texting, it is Facebook, if it isn’t Facebook it could be that one girl we talk to at the gym all the time (knowingly flirting). There is a thrill that I would suggest guys have in getting away with something.
I am all about the boundaries philosophy but how do you get to the conversation to have them? If you don’t trust each other now, how will you trust each other in the future? If you approach a conversation to set boundaries does it make you sick to your stomach or do you welcome the freedom in sharing intimate knowledge with your spouse?
Even as a single person, I am careful about texting a married female friend because the perception is something I don’t want. I also do not want to share advice or guidance which could end up undermining her husband. Maybe that would be a good topic to follow-up with, if you’re single what are your boundaries in interacting with married friends of the opposite sex?
Good post.
.-= Ben´s last blog ..The First Sin The Church Ever Committed… =-.
Ben,
Ohhhh. Good questions man. I like this paragraph:
“I am all about the boundaries philosophy but how do you get to the conversation to have them? If you don’t trust each other now, how will you trust each other in the future? If you approach a conversation to set boundaries does it make you sick to your stomach or do you welcome the freedom in sharing intimate knowledge with your spouse?”
I think these conversations are sometimes organic and a lot of the times need to actually be planned. I don’t think when you first meet someone or start dating, or even marry you sit down and say….okay, here are all our boundaries. Discuss. But they arise when things come up. Or when you see another couple dealing with something. Or when you watch something transpire on a show or movie. I think they arise in the working out of a relationship. But hopefully you can have them before they wreak havoc, or before they become a major source of conflict. I know that isn’t helpful. But I just don’t think there is a formula. One of the reasons that I’m a big proponent of pre-marital counseling and marriage counseling is because a counselor can help a couple think through things they haven’t through through, or that they have been unwilling to discuss.
Rhett
.-= Rhett Smith´s last blog ..You Are Texting Who? A Conversation You Need to Have With Your Spouse =-.
I think this is totally appropriate. I let my wife have full access to my phone. On occasion she’ll pick it up and scroll through it, not because I’ve ever given her any reason, but because I want her to be aware of the conversations I’m having with people. She knows that I have nothing at all to hide, so I never feel uncomfortable with her using my cell phone or scrolling through it.
Rodlie,
Cool. It sounds like you both have a good agreement and understanding in this area…which as you know will save you probably lots of trouble or weird conversations. Way to be pro-active.
Rhett
.-= Rhett Smith´s last blog ..You Are Texting Who? A Conversation You Need to Have With Your Spouse =-.
Yes.
This is a conversation I never thought to have with my husband.
And it was one (of several) slippery slopes he slid right down and nearly cost our marriage.
I wish I had even thought of it before.
Now we have free access to one another’s cell phones and we have discussed boundaries.
Lacey,
Hey, thanks for sharing that personal story with us. I think many people think this is just something not based in reality, but as you state and many others, this is a growing area of concern for many relationships. Thanks for your input.
Rhett
.-= Rhett Smith´s last blog ..You Are Texting Who? A Conversation You Need to Have With Your Spouse =-.
Love it Rhett!
When my wife and I talked about having facebook friends, I thought it wasn’t a big deal, but she couldn’t see why I’d ever want them as friends.
After talking for a while, I realized that part of our difference was because she had several long term relationships in college and felt like it would be over the line to still be friends with those guys. But as for me I only dated girls for a few weeks or months and – get this – I never kissed any of them. So for me, Facebook didn’t seem like a big deal since I was never that close to them.
Anyway, the conversation was helpful on a broad level beyond electronic contact because it helped us understand how differently we each viewed past relationships based on our different experiences.
.-= John Dyer´s last blog ..Today is the National Day of Unplugging =-.
John,
This is a really great comment….I like it especially cause it does show the sometimes little misunderstandings that can exist between spouses. (i.e. the difference between you and Amber’s understanding of friending on Facebook, etc.).
Those are the type of conversations that I think more couples should have. It can help clear up things that we assume, but haven’t really discussed.
Rhett
.-= Rhett Smith´s last blog ..You Are Texting Who? A Conversation You Need to Have With Your Spouse =-.
My wife and I had the boundary talk just the other day. I thought we had reached common ground that texting with the opposite sex was off limits. Several days later she asked to see my phone and when she saw that there had been an exchange of messages with a female coworker she was crushed.
This texting incident had happened before the boundary talk but I had totally forgotten about it. I really regret doing it and I’m not sure showing her would have helped. Trust in a relationship is so important and if not protected can be very fragile.