Archive - March, 2010

Don’t Play Life Safey by Simply Being a Visitor in This World

March 31, 2010 in Ministry-Theology, Therapy-Psychology with 3 Comments


[image by epSos.de]

God is Not Safe, So Why Do We Play So Safely
There are lots of books, stories and examples displaying how we tend to play life too safely at times, and the need for us to overcome this complacency. One of the examples that is always in my mind is this exchange in The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe by C.S. Lewis:

“Aslan a man!” said Mr. Beaver sternly. “Certainly not. I tell you he is the King of the wood and the son of the great Emperor-beyond-the-Sea. Don’t you know who is the King of Beasts? Aslan is a lion – the Lion, the great Lion.”

“Ooh!” said Susan, “I’d thought he was a man. Is he – quite safe? I shall feel rather nervous about meeting a lion.”

“That you will, dearie, and no mistake,” said Mrs. Beaver; “if there’s anyone who can appear before Aslan without their knees knocking, they’re either braver than most or else just silly.”

“Then he isn’t safe?” said Lucy.

“Safe?” said Mr. Beaver; “don’t you hear what Mrs. Beaver tells you? Who said anything about safe? ‘Course he isn’t safe. But he’s good. He’s the King I tell you.”

It’s a reminder to me that we worship a God who is not safe (but good), yet we tend to want to live within the boundaries of safety. If we are honest with ourselves I think we find ourselves most often identifying with Susan, seeking safety, and being comfortable, rather than stepping out into faith and into new and unknown territory.

Or what about Donald Miller who reminds us in A Million Miles in a Thousand Years that not all of us are living a good story…and that to live a good story requires some risk on our part to go after something bigger than us…something that isn’t safe and secure (my paraphrase). Miller puts it in another way that many of us can relate to:

“I think this is when most people give up on their stories. They come out of college wanting to change the world, wanting to get married, wanting to have kids and change the way people buy office supplies. But they get into the middle and discover if was harder than they thought. They can’t see the distant shore anymore, and they wonder if their paddling is moving them forward. None of the trees behind them are getting smaller and none of the trees ahead are getting better. They take it out on their spouses, and they go looking for an easier story.” (pp. 179)

These are good reminders…welcome wake up calls to me when I find myself living a complacent, yet very safe life that limits risk, while at the same time limiting all that God is calling me into.

Two of My Traveling Partners
Two writers have been great companions in this journey, and I want to mention them to you. They are probably not unknown to you, but maybe these ideas are.

First, Walter Brueggemann, and his concept of orientation, disorientation and new orientation have been playing in my mind ever since I read his book Message of the Psalms during my first year of seminary in 1998. Here is what Brueggemann says:

“Poems of orientation, poems of disorientation, and poems of new orientation. It is suggested that the Psalms can be roughly grouped this way, and the flow of human life characteristically is located either in the actual experience of one of these settings or is in movement from one to another.

a) Human life consists in satisfied seasons of well-being that evoke gratitude for the constancy of blessing. (ex. Psalm 1, 8, etc.)

b) Human life consists in anguished seasons of hurt, alienation, suffering, and death. These evoke rage, resentment, self-pity, and hatred. (ex. Psalm 13, 86, etc.)

c) Human life consists in turns of surprise when we are overwhelmed with the new gifts of God, when joy breaks through the despair. (ex. Psalm 30, 40, etc.)

….

But human life is not simply an articulation of a place in which we find ourselves. It is also a movement from one circumstance to another, changing and being changed, finding ourselves surprised by a new circumstance we did not expect, resistant to a new place, clinging desperately to the old circumstance.

The dominant ideology of our culture is committed to continuity and success and to the avoidance of pain, hurt, and loss. The dominant culture is also resistant to genuine newness and real surprise. It is curious but true, that surprise is as unwelcome as is loss. And our culture is organized to prevent the experience of both…

This means that when we practice either move—into disorientation or into new orientation—we engage in a countercultural activity, which by some will be perceived as subversive…Such a practice of the Psalms cannot be taken for granted in our culture, but will be done only if there is resolved intentionality to live life in a more excellent way.” (The Message of the Psalms, Walter Brueggemann, pp. 19-20, 22-23)

Second, Henri Nouwen and his concept of “voluntary displacement” was what led me to quit my job in 2001 and move for three months down to Guatemala to study Spanish and serve in a children’s hospital. And since then, this concept has been one of my guiding principles in how I try to live my life. Nouwen says this:

“The Gospels confront us with this persistent voice inviting us to move from where it is comfortable, from where we want to stay, from where we feel at home (Lk: 14:26, 9:60, 62; 18:22).

Why is this so central? It is central because in voluntary displacement , we cast off the illusion of ‘having it together’ and thus begin to experience our true condition, which is that we, like everyone else, are pilgrims on the way, sinners in need of grace. Through voluntary displacement, we counteract the tendency to become settled in a false comfort and to forget the fundamentally unsettled position that we share with all people. Voluntary displacement leads us to a deeper solidarity with the brokenness of our fellow human beings. Community, as the place of compassion, therefore always requires displacement.” (pp. 63-64).

Moving in the Right Direction
Visually I’ve tried to keep in mind these concepts this way:

Safety/Orientation–>Voluntary Displacement–>Disorientation–>New Orientation (Reorientation)

It’s a reminder to me to not simply walk through life, but to really live it. To step out and embrace the unknown, and in that process grow as a human being. I love the poem by Mary Oliver, When Death Comes (thanks to Anne Jackson for turning me on to Mary Oliver’s works) — but I particularly love the last couple of paragraphs:

When it’s over, I want to say: all my life
I was a bride married to amazement.
I was the bridegroom, taking the world into my arms.

When it is over, I don’t want to wonder
if I have made of my life something particular, and real.
I don’t want to find myself sighing and frightened,
or full of argument.

I don’t want to end up simply having visited this world.

So what do you do to deal with not becoming too complacent in your own life?

Who are your traveling partners on this journey?

Haiti: 4 Ways to Help Now & 6 Stories of Hope and Connection

March 26, 2010 in Ministry-Theology, Technology-Social Media with 2 Comments

Wednesday night I had the awesome opportunity to share about my trip to Haiti with a couple of hundred students at Epic Student Ministries of Hope Fellowship. It was an amazing experience. Not only did I get to share about the hope that I witnessed in Haiti, I got to witness students perform 7 original songs that they wrote. Each of the songs was inspired by a photo they looked at from the Haiti earthquake. It was an amazing night.

Four Unique Ways You Can Support the Work in Haiti
I want to recommend 4 ways that you can support the work in Haiti:

  1. You can go to Epic Songs for Haiti by the Epic Songwriters Guild and download the 7 songs for free at Noise Trade. But as you download this original work of art for free…why not donate some money to their cause at the same time. Every dollar will go to various organizations that the church, and the youth ministry has decided to support to continue the good work in Haiti.


  2. You can go to Adventures in Missions and give to their work in Haiti; or sign up for a trip so that you can personally go down and serve in Haiti.  This is the organization that I went down with in February as a part of the YMATH Team.  I like the work they are doing.


  3. You can go to A Home in Haiti and immediately provide a tent shelter for those in Haiti.  This is urgent as the rainy season is upon them.  Shaun King and this organization is doing great work.


  4. You can go to Water Missions and donate to help support the work they are doing in Haiti.



These are four ways that you can easily do…and you can do it right now while sitting down at the computer.  They are organizations that I trust, and I have either been a part of, or witnessed the work they have been doing in Haiti.

Connect With A Story
Some of you may have already seen some of these six videos. If you haven’t, then you need to check them out. Each tells an unique story of what is going on in Haiti, from the perspective of those who experienced the tragedy and are sharing their stories of hope.

Connect with the wonderful people of Haiti and then get involved in some creative way.

YMATH: The Displaced

YMATH: Prayer Meetings

YMATH: Meeting Michelle

Connecting Haitian Churches and American Churches

Drive Through Port-au-Prince

Redemption Song

You Are Texting Who? A Conversation You Need to Have With Your Spouse

March 22, 2010 in Marriage-Family, Technology-Social Media, Therapy-Psychology with 11 Comments


[image by globevisions]


One of the things that seems to be a common trend among couples I work with in therapy is that there is an assumption about the relational boundaries that each of them will/are keeping. There is an assumption, but rarely something they have ever actually discussed.

I think they are rarely discussed because: 1) there is a fear that when discussed they will realize they aren’t on the same page, therefore leading to conflict. 2) since they assume they are on the same page, they feel no need to talk about them.

So here are some examples of common assumptions.

We assume that our partner will never cheat on us…but we don’t talk about some healthy relational boundaries to help us from being in vulnerable positions.

We assume our partner won’t go to an intimate lunch alone with someone of the opposite sex…but we don’t actually talk about that boundary.

We assume our partner won’t be texting people of the opposite sex late into the night about personal things..but we don’t talk about that boundary.

We assume that our partner won’t befriend their ex on Facebook and strike up a renewed friendship…but we don’t talk about that boundary.

Etc. Etc. Etc. Fill in your own assumption here.

I give these examples because they are some of the most common ones I come across.

Though there are several areas of boundaries I mentioned, one of the reasons that I mention text messaging is because it is constantly being cited by partners as a source of marital conflict. And with the privacy of cell phones, and the ease of texting, couples are able to hide things from each other, or avoid any type of accountability.

So what are you waiting for? Start having some conversations with your partner about what you assume are relational boundaries you both share, but you have never ever talked about. And I promise you that it will be both eye opening and helpful in you relationship growth.

Lest you think I don’t practice what I preach, just last week I sat down with my wife over coffee and initiated a conversation about the women that I send text messages to on occasion, what is said, and the purpose of the text. Did I feel that my texts were out of line? No. Does my wife trust me? Yes. But I realized that maybe I had some assumptions about those boundaries around texting. I wanted to make sure we talked them over. That we both had the same boundaries. That there wasn’t/isn’t any inappropriateness, etc. That she was comfortable with who I was texting and why. And that simple conversation led to one great conversation after another, and to some great relational connecting time between us.

Boundaries vary for everyone. Some people would say you should “never” (with some exceptions) text someone of the opposite sex when married. Others disagree. But if you haven’t talked about it, how do you know where you both stand on that issue in your relationship?

If you are afraid to have these conversations with your partner, then I would say that’s all the more reason to have them. What are you hiding?

A Book Resource for Steering Through Chaos

March 17, 2010 in Ministry-Theology with 3 Comments

No, the irony is not lost on me that my last post was called ENOUGH: Put Down Those Ministry and Self-Help Books and Pick Up A Novel.

But remember my caveat:

So you don’t have to give up on your ministry and self-help books, but put them down for a season, and pick up a novel.

I have put them down since November and have ploughed my way through novels ever since. So I decided now was the time to pick up a ministry book that intrigued me, and it just so happened that Steering Through Chaos: Mapping a Clear Direction for Your Church in the Midst of Transition and Change, was the book I picked up. The book is written by Scott Wilson who is the Senior Pastor of The Oaks here in Dallas.

Honestly, one of the things that intrigued me about the book was the title, specifically the word “transition.” If you haven’t noticed before, my blog title is “Transitioning Life’s Journey” because I think that we are always in a state of transition, and that effective leaders know how to guide their churches, organizations, et cetera, through these times of transition.

In the book Scott does a great job of mapping out a direction for church ministry, and yet he does it in a very personal narrative style based on his own experiences, while not saying this is the way to do ministry, but rather, here are some principles that can be effective for each and every ministry. That is just one of the things that I found refreshing in this book.

There are numerous topics in the book that will attract varying readers, but the one chapter that resonated with me the most was Chapter 8: The Leadership Gap. I have been in ministry for 15 years, and I’m also a full-time marriage and family therapist now. And one of the things that I think has been missing in many ministries is the willingness, or humility, to bring other key leaders along for the journey. As ministry leaders we often take a Lone Ranger approach and go out alone, rather than seeking counsel and help. I like Scott’s take on finding someone to help you map out your direction, and at the end of the chapter he lays out some great suggestions for getting started.

Steering Through Chaos is a fun and informative read, and there are lots of companions in it for the journey as Scott takes time out to listen to the wisdom from various pastors around the country. I highly recommend it to those of you who are looking for some more ministry clarity as you guide your church through the next transition.

ENOUGH: Put Down Those Ministry and Self-Help Books and Pick Up a Novel

March 11, 2010 in Ministry-Theology, Therapy-Psychology with 27 Comments

“Novelists work the same field in which Christians pray, believe and obey, plowing and sowing and harvesting all the interconnections of ordinary lives. This statement by John Updike supports my conviction that the novel is an essential component in spiritual reading: ‘Fiction is nothing less than the subtlest instrument for self-examination and self-display that mankind has invented yet. Psychology and X-rays bring up some portentous shadows, and demographics and stroboscopic photography do some fine breakdowns, but for the full parfum and effluvia of being human, for feathery ambiguity and rank facticity, for the air and the iron, fire and spirit of our daily moral adventure there is nothing like fiction: it makes sociology look priggish, history problematical, the film media two-dimensional, and the National Enquirer as silly as last week’s cereal box….In fiction, everything that searchers for the important tend to leave out is left in.” (Take & Read: Spiritual Reading, An Annotated List by Eugene Peterson, pp. 48)


[image by Gibson Claire McGuire Regester]

Honestly, I’m pretty tired of all the ministry and self-help books (and by self-help I mean pastoral care, therapy stuff) that seem to be saying the same thing over and over again. It’s hard to tell them apart at times. It’s almost as if people are just rushing the books out to get published before the material becomes irrelevant. Before you think I’m being too harsh, let me say that I probably buy more ministry and self-help books than a lot of people. And many of them are super helpful.

But what I find missing in a lot of these books is a sense of imagination and narrative. Something that pulls me into what is being said, and isn’t simply reliant upon 7 steps to this, or 3 steps to this.

I have always loved novels, but I have been going back to them more and more frequently. I try to average about 2-3 novels a month, and I find myself re-reading some of them 5, 6 and 7 times over. And I’m going back and reading and re-reading the classics (and there are lots of lists).

The problem with steps is that we don’t know what to do when the formula doesn’t work. Steps don’t take into account the nuances of life and the dynamics of human interaction.

One of the things that I have found very fascinating is that I am about to complete my second reading of Susan Howatch’s Starbridge Series — 6 novels, over 2,500 pages of small print. Some of the novels I have read 7 times. And what is fascinating is that no reading is the same. Characters are constantly changing as I pick up different nuances, and as I enter into the various perspectives of the multiple narrators.

They are teaching me more about human nature. More about ministry. More about therapy. More about redemption. More about grace. Than any ministry or self-help books I have read.

So you don’t have to give up on your ministry and self-help books, but put them down for a season, and pick up a novel. Let a novel transform your thinking, your life, your relationships, and watch the power that will have on your ministry and therapeutic work.

So When Did You First Realize You Were Addicted to Your Smartphone?

March 10, 2010 in Marriage-Family, Technology-Social Media, Therapy-Psychology with 11 Comments

You ever read a really great book? So great that you just want to underline all of it?



That’s how I felt about this article that I came across some time last week, Obsessed with smartphones, oblivious to the here and now — and to be honest…it freaked me out a bit.

Since I am someone who loves technology and online social media I think it’s easy to overlook some of its faults. Since I have been blogging for six years, and use Twitter everyday, and connect with friends on Facebook, it’s easy for me to not realize how these things slowly shape and transform me.

This article, like many other things before it, have been waking me from my stupor. Instead of taking “the numb stance of the technological idiot”, (Thanks John Dyer for turning me on to this idea) I’m hoping to be a better consumer of the technology that I use.

There are many turning points when I realized I was addicted to my smartphone, but these two stand out the most.

  1. Texting constantly while at a Coldplay concert. It’s like I couldn’t just enjoy being present at a live concert.
  2. Texting while at the zoo with my daughter instead of just enjoying being at the zoo with her.
  3. And on, and on, and on the instances I could tell you.

When did you first realize that you were addicted to your smartphone?



Here are some choice selections from the article that stood out to me, with some highlighted areas that really hit me between the eyes.

You see these tethered souls everywhere: The father joining in an intense Twitter debate at his daughter’s dance recital. The woman cracking wise on Facebook while strolling through the mall. The guy on a date reviewing his fish tacos on Yelp. Not to mention drivers staring down instead of through their windshields.

Physically, they are present. Mentally, they are elsewhere, existing as bits of data pinging between cellphone towers.

……….

Doomsayers have long predicted that technological progress would turn us into shut-ins who rarely venture from our game-playing, IM-ing digital cocoons out into the physical world. But the stereotype of the computer-addicted recluse in the basement has been blown away; smartphones make it possible to turn off the physical world while walking through it.

A recent Pew Research Center study found that “a significant proportion of people who visit public and semipublic spaces are online while in those spaces.” Parks. Libraries. Restaurants. Houses of worship.

……….

The competition this digital world poses stretches into life’s most intimate places. Elizabeth Sloan, a local marriage counselor, worked with a couple after the husband began surfing his smartphone during sex.

“I wish I was joking,” Sloan said. “This is a real hot topic right now for marriage counselors — and the complaints are coming from men and women. You hear this a lot: ‘I can’t reach you. I can’t find you. You can be sitting two inches from me, but you are not there. Where are you?’ Spouses are checking out at dinner, on vacation. It’s really become a 24-7 thing.”

……….

Gravity Tank, a Chicago consulting firm, recently studied app users. The smallest group, “recent converts,” just dabble in apps. “Life optimizers” use apps as an extension of their brain, organizing every minute of their day. Then there’s the largest group, the “constantly entertained,” such as Ferrari and Granetz, who covet data and fear boredom.

……….

Why is the seemingly random — and admittedly often meaningless — information that Ferrari and Granetz crave more compelling to them than playing pony with their children? It is not because they are bad parents, psychologists say. It is not because they are men. (Sorry, ladies.) It is because they are human, and human beings tend to repeat actions that are pleasurable and rewarding, particularly if they get our endorphins flowing. The complication is that we devalue delayed rewards — the feeling, for instance, of looking back on lovely moments with family — in favor of the immediacy of the new. In this case, it’s data. It makes us high.

……….

“Smartphones capitalize on the weaker, short-term version of ourselves rather than helping us focus on the long view,” Stafford said.

They also help fill in the silent gaps in relationships, said Naomi Baron, an American University linguist who studies digital communication. “You can’t assume we always have something to say to each other,” she said. “Why do restaurants play music in the background? Because otherwise there’s the uncomfortable dead silence.”

So the dead space fills with more silence, and the intimacy that should be happening face-to-face now occurs between cellphone towers. A brief check on Facebook to fill silence with the missis turns into a 20-minute digital conversation. And a spouse watches her loved one slip away.

“This is not always the issue that brings couples to counseling, but eventually it comes out,” said Erin Morey, a family therapist in McLean. “There’s this isolation, the feeling that their partner is more connected to the gadget.”

Some Simple, Easy Steps, For You To Partner With a Haitian Church

March 9, 2010 in Ministry-Theology with 0 Comments

Haiti was, and more importantly, IS, a life-transforming experience for me. I’ve been back for a couple of weeks now and trying my best to figure out how I can best be involved. I was scheduled to be back in Haiti this week as well, but for various reasons I could not make it and that trip has been rescheduled. I hope to be back in Haiti soon, but there is plenty of work I can do from where I’m currently living…and so can you.

Lots of people have been asking me about Haiti and how they can get involved. There are lots of great organizations that are serving over there, and I’m super excited to see what AIM is working on. They are the organization that I went over there with, and I fully trust and support the work that they are about.

There vision is bold. And it’s big. And they are rolling it out in some simple, easy to access ways for you to get involved.

Seth Barnes, who is the executive director for AIM posted on his blog over the weekend, Please pray for a church in Haiti. In it, Seth lays out some very simple steps:

Please look at this video below and consider joining with us. It’s not complicated and doesn’t require much. We want to make it easy for you to try it out. Here’s what you do:

  1. Put your name and relevant info in the comment section below or email me at this link to sign up.
  2. We’ll send you the name of a pastor and some info about his church and community. They may write back.
  3. You don’t have to do anything more than pray initially. Ask God, “How shall I respond over the next 3 weeks?”
  4. Let us know what he says and how you’re responding and we’ll communicate that to the pastor in Haiti.

An AIM rep will call or email you after a month. If you’d like to continue the relationship, we’ll talk about where it can go after that.

That’s it! All you need to simply do is inquire, hear about a church and its needs, and pray about a potential partnership.

Look for more details as they come at AIM’s website and continue to check Seth’s blog.

Chad and Sarah Markley Interview #3: Moving Forward

March 5, 2010 in Marriage-Family, Ministry-Theology, Therapy-Psychology with 1 Comment

I really appreciate Chad and Sarah opening up so much of their life with us this week. One of the reasons that I wanted to interview them was because I think that their story is, and can be so helpful to many other couples out there — and on so many levels.

And if you aren’t already reading their blogs, you definitely should be.

The final interview (3/3) is below, and you can catch up on the previous two in the links below.

You can read Part 1: here
You can read Part 2: here

This is Part 3 of 3

Sarah, I know you are working on a book and I was wondering if you could share how that process is going?

Sarah: I’m about 50 percent finished with my rough draft. I’m still actively seeking representation and a publisher. When it’s done it will be a creative retelling of my story focusing on redemption and hope but also explaining the factors that led me to the place I ended up.

You seem like you are a very creative family (writing, music, technology, etc.), and I was wondering what creative things you like to do together as a family?

Sarah: We try to give our kids as many experiences as possible without overwhelming them. I’m not talking Disneyland every day, but we do love to go to the science museum or the nature center and try to travel as much as we can as a family. Our girls love to draw and do crafts at the kitchen table. Chad often plays the guitar for them in the evenings and the three of them like to make up songs together. Our girls are involved in sports, dance and horseback riding. They know I’m writing a book and that I write daily on my blog.

Thirteen years in, what do you think is the best thing about marriage?

Sarah: Hands down: being married to my best friend is the best thing about marriage. And the fact that we each know most of each other’s faults and strengths is so comforting too. He knows all the bad things I’ve done and I know the same about him. Somehow we still love one another deeply.

Chad:For me it is shared experience. I love having someone to share the important moments with, both good and bad.

You mention that the two of you saw a counselor, so I’m naturally curious about the role that played in your recovery, if any?

Sarah: We went to see a Christian marriage and family counselor the week after my confession. She came highly recommended by a friend of our pastor’s and we met with her weekly for 6 months. At that time she moved to a different state and transferred us to another counselor in the same practice. We met with her weekly for another six months as well. Both counselors met different needs in us. The first one, besides helping us address the immediate problems, addressed Chad’s ADD and referred him to a psychiatrist so he could seek medication. The second therapist helped us to develop better methods of communication and walked us through some difficult times that occurred later in that same year.

Chad: Counseling was KEY!! People are crazy to think their pastor can understand every single crazy thing they are going through. It was important to me that the counselor was well trained and credentialed in their field AND was a Christ follower. We were able to find both of these at Center for Individual and Family Therapy.

How much information, if any, have you shared with your children?

Sarah: Our daughters are almost 4 and almost 8. We haven’t shared much with them. I plan on sharing some (limited) information with my oldest daughter in the near future. We agree that sooner is better than later when it comes to things like this, as long as it is age appropriate.

What are your hopes for the couples that you share your story with? What do you hope they walk away with?

Sarah:I would hope that they can see that no sin is too big for God’s grace, that God’s love is able to heal in mighty ways (even a heart which has been wounded as deeply as my husband’s) and that it is very possible to “come back” from something like this. Nothing in God’s kingdom is wasted and even something as horrible as what I did and what we went through, God has been using time and time again for His glory.

Do the two of you have any dreams and hopes for sharing your story with others? Speaking to churches, couples, etc.?

Sarah: I hesitate to use the word “dream”. “Hope” is a better word for what we would like to see happen, I think. We spoke together for the first time a couple months ago and when we did we felt right in the middle of our gifting. We worked well together with great chemistry and I think it was very effective. We hope to speak more in that manner. I also will be speaking by myself in the near future.

As a couple, what are you two really passionate about? What shared interests do you have that you really feel connected when you do together?

Sarah: As funny as this sounds, we love to talk about theology, social networking or technology. We are sort of geeks when you get us by ourselves. We have a shared love for people, our kids and our families. We’ll try anything new and we love love love to travel together. Go to a new city, explore the restaurants, walking routes and museums. Our favorite cities are London, Washington, D.C., Paris and Monterey, California. And before we had kids, we used to exercise together (gasp). Now we have to do that alone while the other sleeps in with the kids.

We’re passionate about real living and genuine Christ-following. We have a desire to see people talk about their stories with authenticity and to follow hard after Christ with true motivations behind what they do. We don’t like to “do church” for the sake of “doing church”. Worship, community, learning about God’s word and getting closer to Him — we desire to see people live this out in their lives between Sundays.

Chad: I echo what Sarah lists above but I need to also include my love of worship and music. I LOVE bringing people into worship ANYWHERE and ANYTIME I can get the opportunity.

How have your relationships with God changed as a result of the affair and the healing that has taken place?

Sarah: I often wonder if I was a true Christ-follower before my confession six years ago. I don’t know. There were times in my life that I sincerely wanted to do the right things and please God, but for the most part, my relationship with God before was lifeless and not based on a true love for Him. When I decided to give up the affair and focus on my marriage, my spirit, my heart and my soul was broken. I wanted to be different and the only way to do that was to follow Christ with my whole life. I read through the Bible in one year and I could feel and see the spiritual gifting that I’d suppressed begin to emerge again. I fell in love with Christ and I wanted to do everything possible to live righteously. Finally my Christianity was “real.”

Chad: I have a more realistic expectation of people now. I realize EVERYONE fails and no one is above falling into horrible sin. I also have come to the place where I realize it isn’t too late for anyone to come back to Christ. I think I see people more with His eyes now versus my own.

Chad and Sarah Markley Interview #2: In Process

March 3, 2010 in Marriage-Family, Ministry-Theology, Therapy-Psychology with 0 Comments

To read part 1 of my interview with Sarah and Chad Markley, read here.

In the interview today, I really wanted to focus on some of the questions that arose for me as I read Sarah’s blog posts about their story. It was in these blog entries that I really got a sense of a person–of a couple in process. So, much of the interview today was focused on getting a better sense of some of the things–some of the processes, boundaries and reasons behind much of her writing.

This is Part 2 of 3

Sarah, in your post Stifling, you talk about you being a controlling wife and Chad as being distance…or moving away from you as you became controlling. How do you now deal with the control issues?

Sarah: With grace. It’s part of my personality to be guarded, protective and thus a little controlling. I’m guarded with my time, energy and affection so when I wasn’t following Christ that transferred over into me being a demanding, selfish and controlling wife. After my confession we decided to “try out” living (as husband and wife) the way God intended: the husband lovingly leading and the wife graciously allowing him. I began to give up control. That has been one of the most freeing things I’ve ever done.

You make the comment in Cliches “No one wakes up one day and decides to commit adultery. I don’t know what other people have told you, but something like this takes a hundred million tiny poorly-made decisions layered on top of one another. Never excuses, but certainly reasons.” Do you think couples are often naïve of the small, tiny, daily choices they make, perhaps because they are so focused on trying to stay clear of making the big, wrong choice? Do you recommend how spouses can stay accountable in their day to day choices?

Sarah: I think that most couples will say that it could never happen to them. And only sometimes do I see couples who intentionally try to remain pure in the little things: glances, fantasy thoughts, discipline in keeping things alive between them and their spouse. So, yes, in a way I think that many couples are unaware of how little things can build up to really bad things. Even things like letting a self-serving attitude creep into a heart can make one “ready” to have an affair. With me, my heart became ripe for an affair because of pride and selfishness. How do we remain accountable? We are honest with each other, ourselves and with God. We are also both in strong, godly, same-gendered accountability relationships too in which the others have access to our spiritual lives, our hearts and motivations. A simple way to find out if an action or a thought is “unsafe” is to ask both your spouse and God if what you are doing is honoring to both your spouse and to the Lord. If you are scared to bring it up or talk about it, or if you deem it dishonoring, then the action or thought is probably a wrong choice. And you must be honest.

I loved the vivid imagery of a leaky colander, as you try to hold everything together in Dripping. What do you do now when you notice you are trying to hold everything together?

Sarah: Usually I crack emotionally, anger or tears and then I realize (from routine, experience) what I need to do to get it back together and on the right path both emotionally and spiritually. Sometimes I take a quick break by myself, sometimes I simply just tell Chad that I need a few minutes to be alone, and sometimes I need to spend time in specific prayer about it. But overall, it seems like God has brought me to a place where, even though I do get “off balance” once in awhile, I’ve been able to learn how to regain my balance and moderation.

Crash was so powerful, and while I was reading it, I kept trying to imagine what that would be like to be in that position. Sarah, how did you make it through that night? Chad, I was just thinking of how scary a night that was for you. Not only because of the news you were told, but of the possible reality you faced of having to raise your young girl alone, etc. What were you feeling, and how did you hold it together?

Sarah: Chad told me to go to my parent’s house to tell them what I did. I went, I confessed to them too and they lovingly welcomed me in. They were, of course, grieved, disappointed and hurt but they were able to love me even through their own pain. I was a mess, but somehow I made it through the night. Early on I was able to be very sorrowful about my sin and I felt immediately motivated to do whatever I needed to to make it right with God, Chad and the others I had hurt.

Chad: That night I wasn’t thinking so much about the future as I was feeling the hurt of betrayal and feeling like an idiot because I hadn’t seen what was going on the last 3+ years. I am not the biggest planner in the world so I don’t often think too far ahead. I was just dealing with the “now” of the situation, not so much the future.

Chad, I was really amazed by your almost immediate willingness to forgive Sarah. Sarah mentions that you didn’t want to, but you felt compelled to because of all that Christ had forgiven you of. Even though you forgave her that night was there a longer process that took place, or did it feel instant to you?

It was both instant and a process. I think it’s similar to salvation and the process of sanctification that follows. The big push is instant, salvation, we are changed in that moment. When I forgave Sarah it was legit and from the deepest core of my person. In that instant our relationship was changed. The actual living out of that choice, sanctification, takes time to process, take root and grow. It took about 6 months for the ache in the middle of the night to fully go away.

Sarah, in your final post Foundation you write, “I was done with my old self. I removed phone numbers from my phone, took pages out of my address book and deleted emails and voicemail messages. I began to try to erase all that had gone before. And God softened the hard places of my heart and brought me close.” I’m curious about this process, and what you now think of the ease with which people can connect and reconnect with people and past relationships online. Do you have certain boundaries online that the two of you hold to?

Sarah: Online: we know each other’s passwords to everything. Even though we don’t snoop, he is privy to all of my phone numbers, my text messages, my emails. I keep nothing from him. And the same with him.

The whole Facebook thing is interesting. Of course, that became very popular years after I had my affair, so during that time it was not a concern. But now, we are just careful to not friend ex-boyfriends or girlfriends and not to be overly friendly or conversational with members of the opposite sex.

The process of trying to “erase” the past was difficult and long. I did know one thing for certain: that I wanted nothing to do with my old life. So I began to try to get rid of the physical reminders (and temptations) that surrounded that old lifestyle. I never made another phone call or sent another email to the man I had the affair with.

The whole memory thing was the most difficult, however. I prayed for God to erase memories from my mind. I promised that I would share with Chad any detail he needed to know. And for a while he asked. But after some time passed, if he asked questions about the past it only served to bring up bad memories I was trying to forget. After time he stopped asking because there was no need for any more details. I have forgotten a great deal of the detailed memories (on purpose) but I still have some memory of that time. I think just enough to remind me how far I’d walked away from God and from my husband.

If you could give any piece of advice to married couples who are going through difficult times, what would it be?

Sarah: I think that couples need to count the cost of their relationship. Marriage will never be easy and will always require intentional work. If both people are willing to do whatever it takes to stay together for the endurance race then it will pay off in increasing love, intimacy and selflessness.

Chad: I agree with Sarah 100%! It all comes down to what you are willing to “pay” for the marriage. We see the price Christ places on us when we look at what the Cross cost Him.

Stay Tuned for Part 3…

Chad and Sarah Markley Interview #1: Their Story

March 2, 2010 in Marriage-Family, Ministry-Theology, Therapy-Psychology with 6 Comments

There are people online that I have never met in person, but that I feel like I know them. And those people I one day look forward to meeting in person. Just two of those people are Chad and Sarah Markley.

I randomly came across Chad online one day because we were following each other on Twitter and we shared some mutual friends that I have actually met in person (one of those being Rich Kirkpatrick). And then separately, I came across Sarah’s writing because of a tweet by Anne Jackson mentioning her. I’ve been a fan of Sarah’s blog ever since. In fact, my wife and I have often talked about Sarah’s writings, and things we have learned about marriage and relationships from them.

One of the things that has drawn me to Chad and Sarah Markley is their story–and not only their story–but their authenticity and vulnerability in which it is told. Sarah sums it up in these three short sentences on her blog:

I cheated on my husband nine years ago. I was lost and without hope. But God rescued me, my husband forgave me, and I am living a new life.

It’s an amazing story full of pain, sadness, forgiveness, hope and redemption. A story of two remarkable people that were held together and strengthened by a loving God.

It is because of their story that I wanted to interview them. It’s a story that I hear over and over again in my work as a marriage and family therapist and pastor. And in talking with them, I hope that their story can enlighten your own, and possibly help bring about hope and healing where it is needed. As well as helping couples read the warning signs in their own marriage.

This is Part 1 of 3.

How did you come to the decision that you wanted your story to be more visible and available for others to read and hear about?

Sarah: I knew that I’d be sharing my story eventually by writing a book and initially I thought I owed it to my blog readers to share with them first what God had done in my life before I become ultra-public by trying to get a book published. I had no idea that this story would attract so many new readers to my blog and reach out to a generation of women (and men) who have been hurt by infidelity.

Now we, as a couple, feel as if it is a calling to share our story with others

What were some of the lack of boundaries in your own marriage? Have you changed any boundaries in that setting? Can you give us any examples?

Sarah: We used to meet members of the opposite sex for lunch or at the gym. In fact, we used to do things alone with opposite gendered friends all the time: long phone conversations and emails. We didn’t really see anything wrong with it because we used each other for our measures of morality. If what I was doing wasn’t bothering my husband than it was okay for me to do. I wasn’t using God to determine if what I was doing was right or wrong. Our boundaries have changed immensely since my confession 6 years ago. (Sarah has written more on this topic here).

Chad: We make it a point to remind each other we are the others “number one”, especially in public. I need Sarah to know she is my only girl, but I also need others to understand she is my “number one” and vice versa.

What are some early warning signs of an emotional affair that you think many people overlook?

Sarah: Simply giving away too much of yourself. Sharing intimate thoughts, dreams or concerns in the name of “friendship” with someone of the opposite sex who is not your spouse is treading on dangerous ground. When you find yourself thinking about someone else, watching for them, dressing for them, finding excuses to talk to them – those are also bad signs.

Chad: I agree with Sarah. Things begin to get sideways when we get tired of working through things with our spouse and begin to look for “easier” outlets for our emotional, and eventually, and physical needs

What role, if any, do you think pornography played in your decision to have an affair?

Sarah: Pornography created an unattainable and unrealistic view of sex in my mind. I began to desire things that were outside of the realm of what intimacy in marriage should be. It became something that I needed (whether actually viewing it or thinking about it) to become aroused. So when I found myself in an inappropriate emotional relationship with another man, the sexual aspect of it just seemed less “sinful” because I was already fantasizing regularly in my mind.

Chad: I pulled Porn into our marriage to try and “liven” it up. It had been part of my personal sexual journey since 2nd grade and had poisoned my view and expectation of sex to a significant degree. When I introduced it into our marriage I subsequently brought that same level of unrealistic expectation into the marriage bed. The outcome was tragic and I believe was instrumental in opening doors that may have never been opened otherwise.

Stay tuned for Part 2…