[image by Hawthorne Ave]
Can social media use be a hindrance to effectively transitioning to next stages of life?
I don’t know, but it’s something I’m exploring.
This question was rooted in a conversation I was having a few weeks back with Lars Rood and the parents of seniors who will be heading off to college next year. What we have noticed is that some college students fail to effectively transition into college, and that one possible considerations is that social media use has hindered them from effectively being present, setting down roots in their physical community. Instead, social media tools like Facebook keep them engaged with high school friends in different states in different schools. And that’s a really good thing of course. I wish I had Facebook when I was in college. So though I don’t want to draw a conclusion that failure to transition is a direct causal of social media use (it’s not), I think it does affect our relational and social interactions.
So sometimes, instead of investing in the person in the dorm room next door, they are more concerned with what their friend from high school is doing on Facebook.
Can social media use keep us tied to, or concerned about other things, that instead of not only helping us build relationships with those not physically near us…..it can also have the unintended affect of not allowing us to fully invest in the next stages of our lives? Stages that involve the participation and support of the community around us.
This question I have is not limited to the high school to college transition either. It could be singlehood to marriage? It’s possible to get married, but with Facebook keep up with all the happenings of our single friends, and very subtly, and subconsciously we can be holding onto that previous stage of our life, not fully embracing the present one. There are other transitions as well, but these two come to mind the quickest.
Transition in its very essence involves a process of transformation, and often transformation requires a leaving of something, and a cleaving onto something else.
Can I properly leave something and transition into something new, if I’m still cleaving to the old?
And social media not only allows great things, and fosters friendships with those we can’t be near, but I wonder if it keeps us cleaving to things, hindering us from fully living in our physical surroundings.
I’m seeking some some clarity…
Remember, I think social media is awesome, but I’m thinking about it’s very nuanced and subtle unintended outcomes it can have on our relational, social interactions.
Thoughts?
Examples of where you agree or disagree with me?
{ 17 comments… read them below or add one }
I hear what you are saying and have not processed the same question, but have had similar concerns about social networking. There are huge benefits to social networking, but as you mentioned I think we have lost a sense of community with our neighbors and friends right next door. How do we deal with and navigate the present reality? Or is it an old reality that now manifest it self in the form of social networking? Community and family once implied that you would live and work and get married in the same town that you were born and raised. So was there ever a leaving and cleaving for those who took on this culture of their family roots and not “grow” up and move on? I can see how it could affect one’s marriage and not give themselves to it completely. I wonder if there is any difference 10-15 years ago when a man would not embrace being married, but would escape with other men to watch ESPN or go hunting. (Which still happens today?)
It probably has to do with the idea of being present and moving through the proper stages of life at the proper time.
There are probably more questions than answers, but it sure is a good thought to wrestle with.
Transition…
Lantz Howard´s last blog ..Leadership 2.0…This Includes You
Lantz,
Good insight. Yeah, I don’t think that what we are seeing is new behaviors, but a newer medium through which those behaviors can be manifested. But I also wonder if the large reaching grasp of social media has increased the breadth of people experiencing this. It’s just much easier to be disengaged from the people around you when you can sit next to them on the couch still but be on your computer….rather than actually having to leave the house to escape to watch football with the guys. Know what I mean?
Anyways….this is good stuff to ponder…I appreciate the feedback.
Rhett
I can think of two examples.
1) Short term missions. About 10 years ago I worked with students doing summer missions. This was before facebook and twitter, but we still had students that wanted to spend all evening doing email and chat and not participating in what was going on. We never really effectively dealt with it. Some students understood and wanted to be present, some (especially those with boyfriend/girlfriend in other places) did not.) I know I had friends when I was young enough to do summer missions work that would not allow parents or friends to come visit, even if they were in the area. Only weekly phone calls and letters. That was 20 years ago, and I seriously doubt they could effectively monitor anything like that now. I thought it was stupid then, but I can understand the point now.
2) Parents in college: I actually think that parent’s expections for communication with cell phones, facebook and email may be most damaging for students. When I was a college student I talked to my parents every couple weeks saw them at Christmas and summer break, but I didn’t go see them every weekend or talk to them every day. But when I talk to friends that are college professors or parents of college students it seems common that parents will expect their students to talk to them every day and always answer their cell phones whenever they call. I understand the expectation for middle schoolers or even high schoolers. But college kids should be starting to be adults. I think it is often the adults that are hindering growth as much as it is the students that are resistant.
Adam Shields´s last blog ..Kindle, Free Books, Site Theme Update and Guest Posts
Adam,
Man, you hit the nail on the head. I wasn’t even thinking of these two in particular, though we have discussed the parent/child interaction quite a bit in our youth ministry. I think you are right on in regards to mission trips. I’m always very happy when we go on a trip or a retreat and no one can get cell coverage and there is no internet or computer to hop on. I have definitely seen how those two factors have helped people engage more deeply.
Thanks for sharing this stuff.
Rhett
Rhett Smith´s last blog ..Can Social Media Use Be a Hindrance to Effectively Transitioning to Next Stages of Life?
Rhett,
I think that you may be on to something.
When I went off to college, students were just beginning to carry cellphones. Texting was still a distant thought. Facebook was non-existence.
All of this to say, that when I was in college, even though I was dating someone from “home,” my primary friendships and relationships were with those whom I lived in close proximity with. These were the people that I ate with, spent my time with, had my deep conversations with.
Social media by contrast, as you noted, allows a person to cling to the vestiges of the past. I think of my sister, who is in college now- she still retains friendships with those that she went to high school with. She talks to them on a regular basis and during her first year in college, she would come home regularly to do things with these friends.
I, on the other hand, have now been befriended or followed by friends from high school who have become late adopters of social media. Yet, even though we are “friends” and even though they “follow” me, rarely do we spend any time in meaningful dialogue even though we were the best of friends in high school.
What is even more interesting is the fact that I am much more willing to reach out to someone such as you, who I have only connected with via Twitter, blogs, and email than I am with some of these people that I spent from sixth to twelfth grade cultivating relationships with.
While it may be too early to tell whether your inklings about social media are indeed true, I think that we are already seeing some indicators which would suggest that relational dynamics are in a flux and not operating as they did before the advent of social media. I would further surmise that upon graduating from college and venturing off to begin careers and families, that we will see social media negatively impacting one’s ability to cultivate and develop relationships with co-workers, fellow church members, etc.
Josh Rhone´s last blog ..‘When You Want Church to be Church We’ll Still be Here – (offering) Traditional Services’ – What is ‘traditional’ anyhow?
Josh,
Thanks for the thoughtful reflections on my post.
It’s interesting that you mention the ease, and often desire to connect more with people we meet online than those we grew up with, etc. I guess that’s just part of transitioning into new friendships, and I also think social media has allowed us to gather around some common interests. So where friendships may have been defined by geography (neighborhood, grade school class, etc, etc.), now people are connecting with people outside of those spheres who share the same interest.
It’s definitely an interesting time.
Rhett
Rhett Smith´s last blog ..Upcoming Trip to Haiti: Nothing to Offer But Our Vulnerable Selves
I am not clear if it is good or bad. But relationships can now exist in ways that they could not exist in the past. Probably doesn’t mean that we can maintain any more relationships than we could in the past. So maybe it is a bad because we are less in the current geography. However, maybe it is a good because we can maintain “roots” in a way that was not possible in the past. I think it can be either and both. Depends on the time, place and relationship.
Adam Shields´s last blog ..Kindle, Free Books, Site Theme Update and Guest Posts
Adam,
Yeah, I sort of think that we still can’t maintain more relationships with the help of social media. Most of the studies I have read say that our max capacity for community size is somewhere between 150 and 200 people. After that, it sort of breaks down, and goes off into more specific cliques, etc. And then of course, outside of that community size, we can only handle so many friendships.
I definitely have more acquaintances now than ever….but I still maintain about the same amount of “deep relationships” with others.
Rhett
Rhett Smith´s last blog ..Upcoming Trip to Haiti: Nothing to Offer But Our Vulnerable Selves
Rhett- Like everyone there is the good and the bad. I see all the good mentioned here. Here’s an example of the bad though. When a young couple move to Southern California from Texas and don’t engage with people in California because they use social media to stay connected so much to their Texas friends. But, then they have a difficult pregnancy and a special needs child. Their physical needs can’t be met through social networking. By staying so connected to Texas and not building a community in California they have no one to bring them meals and care for them during this time.
My comments about social media is that it can be great and staying connected to old friends and people who live in different areas is awesome but there has to be a community where you live. The idea of being present and having presence where you are is crucial.
Lars Rood´s last blog ..I’m not going to Haiti to blog
Lars,
I remember you telling me that story before. Such a great example.
Rhett Smith´s last blog ..Upcoming Trip to Haiti: Nothing to Offer But Our Vulnerable Selves
Rhett,
This is definitely an important question, and I agree with much of what has been said in the comments. It is remarkable the power that social media gives us, for good and for ill, to stay connected with those who we would otherwise lose touch with.
One aspect of this issue that I find interesting is that it seems that as social media evolves it is becoming more and more normative for members of the population that are older and older. This is even seen in the fact that Facebook was a college student-only site for several years before opening up to the population at large. For those of us that have progressed through our 20s and 30s with social media, we are able to take these habits that we gained in college into adulthood, which can be good or bad. At the very least, it allows us to maintain certain practices that were present in a previous life stage in our present one, and I think that may inhibit our transitions somewhat. I doubt there were many people in their 30s and 40s using programs like AIM 15 years ago (though I could be wrong), whereas now adults on Facebook, Twitter, etc. is completely normal.
That being said, I use Facebook differently as a post-college married adult than I did as a student, and I get the sense that is true for most of my peers as well. I suppose if social media is handled properly it can, in a sense, transition with us through various life stages, but if we misuse it then it can keep us connected with high school friends that we don’t ever see or talk to while blinding us to the potential for relationship with those that are right in front of us.
Good thoughts, as always, I’m glad you brought this issue up.
Brian Kiley´s last blog ..Post by Email Wrapup
Brian,
Thanks for commenting. Actually, I can put the “blame” on your UCLA class (Jim Brandon–started the Quest Bel Air Facebook group) for getting me involved in social media. I love how I can use it to stay in touch with all of you even though we aren’t in each other’s presence.
And I agree, we use it differently as we progress through the various life stages and transitions.
Rhett
Rhett Smith´s last blog ..Upcoming Trip to Haiti: Nothing to Offer But Our Vulnerable Selves
Great thoughts on a very important topic. One difficulty that I have seen in my life in social media is when you leave one ministry and move to another. Yes, you still want to be connected to your old youth group, but you also have responsibility to the one group. Yes, it’s easier with Facebook and Twitter to stay “connected” but is easy is not the nature of true relationships. Somewhere this week I saw the figure that humans beings can only have 150 true friends, how many of us are way over in department on Facebook?
Anyway, not sure what all the answers are, although I know that I spend much less time on Facebook now than I did a year ago, it has simply become to overwhelming and was stopping me from actually living.
JD,
Thanks for your thoughts.
Yeah, I think a lot of people are cutting back on their usage. In the beginning we were all over it, and I think now we are trying to cut back and better manage it, rather than let it control our lives.
Rhett
Rhett Smith´s last blog ..Upcoming Trip to Haiti: Nothing to Offer But Our Vulnerable Selves
I sort of disagree. I understand the idea that social media can keep students disengaged but I have not experienced that with the students I’ve come in contact with. Most students on our campus are constant facebook and twitter users but still have strong relationships with students on their campus and local churches. I believe social media is just adding people that are not physically with them to interact in their everyday lives.
As a sidenote one of the biggest problems with college students experiencing spiritual decline on campus is due to the fact that they had a weaker connection with strong spiritual influences back home. Social media gives them an opportunity to make new relationships without getting disconnected to the old ones.
It is a good notion I just have never actually seen social media hindering students from forming relationships in their new environments.
Thanks
Mike
Mike´s last blog ..Following your purpose; Podcast episode 27
Have you guys heard about 2nd Life?? Now top that social media!
Xandra Hasegawa´s last blog ..How to Screw Up Your Relationship with a Japanese Woman
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