Archive - January, 2010

Some Initial Thoughts On My Upcoming Trip to Haiti

January 27, 2010 in Ministry-Theology, Technology-Social Media, Therapy-Psychology with 8 Comments

“Compassion asks us to go where it hurts, to enter into places of pain, to share in brokenness, fear, confusion, and anguish. Compassion challenges us to cry out with those in misery, to mourn with those who are lonely, to weep with those in tears. Compassion requires us to be weak with the weak, vulnerable with the vulnerable, and powerless with the powerless. Compassion means full immersion in the condition of being human. When we look at compassion this way, it becomes clear that something more is involved than a general kindness or tenderheartedness. It is not surprising that compassion, understood as suffering with, often evokes in us a deep resistance and even protest.” (Compassion: Reflections on the Christian Life by Nouwen, McNeill and Morrison, pp. 4).

Going to Haiti…
On Sunday night I received a most unexpected call asking me if I wanted to join a small team of people traveling to Haiti from February 11-17th. I was initially shocked by the opportunity, then anxiety quickly set in as I was informed I would have less than 24 hours to make the decision. And then slowly a little bit of fear set in as this would be one of the rare times of international travel that I would have to do since becoming a father. One thinks about life differently when they are single, than when they are a father, husband (and soon to be father to our second child). Other things to consider now.

As I got off the phone and talked with my wife I was hoping that she would not be too keen to the idea, and would even possibly help me say no to the opportunity. At least that’s what I think I wanted outwardly, but inwardly I was hoping she would give me the green light for the trip. I wanted to make sure that this was a decision we were both comfortable with. So when she said,

“I think this is an amazing opportunity, and I think you should go.”

I was sort of relieved, but then the anxiety kicked up a notch. My two and half year old daughter heard us talking and she said to me,

“Daddy, I want to go too.”

And I said to her,

“You want to go to Haiti with me?”

To which she replied,

“I have to get dressed first.”

I know there is a sermon analogy in there somewhere about the willingness of a child to faithfully follow their father without question. Continue Reading…

That’s Not Who I Married: Allowing Your Spouse the Freedom to Be

January 21, 2010 in Marriage-Family, Therapy-Psychology with 15 Comments


[image by Adam Foster]

“That’s not who I married!”

It’s a response I often hear as I sit across from couples in therapy. At this point in the relationship one, or both of the spouses has become angered, disillusioned, sad (name the feeling/emotion) over what they feel is a loss of the person that they dated, became engaged to, and eventually married. They are desperately trying to get back to those early days, maybe capture those early feelings.

But the fact remains that each of them has changed. It’s part of the process of growing as a person. In fact, I would worry if the spouse was still the same, had never changed, and was the same today as they were on their wedding days years ago.

There are things that often stay pretty consistent about us throughout our life and marriage. Maybe it’s the temperament of the person, their favorite books to read, how they take their coffee in the morning, etc. Whatever it may be, there are markers that stay pretty consistent that give one spouse a pretty good knowledge of the other spouse.

But then there are things that may change such as hobbies, friendships, styles of food, music, or maybe even a move from extroversion to introversion. Sometimes the changes are so subtle that we may not notice in the busyness of life, or sometimes they may become so apparent that we feel like the “rules” of the marriage have been re-written without our knowledge or input on the matter. Continue Reading…

The Necessity of Ascent and Descent in the Male Spiritual Life (Pay Attention Spiritual Leaders!)

January 13, 2010 in Ministry-Theology, Therapy-Psychology with 5 Comments


[image by iwona kellie]

I’ve recently been reading a really phenomenal book by Richard Rohr and Joseph Martos, The Wild Man’s Journey: Reflections on Male Spirituality. One of the things that I have continually be thinking about is the distinction the authors make between ascent (which is common in the early stages of a man’s life and dangerous in the later stages), and descent (which is required in the later stages of a man’s life). We live in a culture where ascent is favored and applauded, and descent is looked down upon with disdain often seen as weakness. When this desire for ascent seeps into our church culture (and it has), we fail to live the counterculture message of descent offered to us through scripture. I fear that we too often live in a Christian culture of egos and desires to attain (large crowds, fame, wealth, etc.), rather than in a culture that strives to walk humbly (in order that Christ may be raised up) and lay down it’s life for others.

Because I think this is such an important topic, especially for male leadership within the Church and in society, I’m going to quote at great length from the book.

They write:

The language of the first half of the male life-journey is the language of ascent, the earnest and necessary idealism that characterizes all healthy young men. It is a heroic language of winning, succeeding, triumphing over ego and obstacles. Without such vision and effort, men remain cowering in a small and selfish world. No wonder that they set out to be ‘wounded’ — either intentionally or unintentionally, either wisely or foolishly. No wonder that almost all primal cultures see the need for male initiation rites, mentors and elders. Someone has to oversee the first-stage journey and also teach them that it is only the first stage. Talk about wisdom! We suffer today a lack of knowledge of both initiation and transition to maturity. Without these, we will continue to have more ‘religion,’ without spirituality or real transformation of person. I have no doubt this is the basis of disillusionment with Western institutional religion. People no longer trust new belief systems that merely surround old egos.

The language of the ascent becomes dangerous in the second half of a man’s life. It becomes disguised egocentricity, climbing at all costs, misusing power, using ideology and principles to avoid relationship–what Saint Paul calls law instead of Spirit in his Letter to the Galatians. Continue Reading…

Helping Your College Student Get Spiritually Connected on Campus

January 7, 2010 in Ministry-Theology, Therapy-Psychology with 28 Comments

One of the questions that comes up a lot in my work with parents of high school and college students is:

“How do I help get my kid connected in a college ministry?”

or

“What are some ways that I can encourage my kid to get involved in a ministry when they are away at college?”

I love college ministry. I was involved as a leader on campus during my own college years, and after college I spent 3 years on a university as an academic advisor, college recruiter and campus Bible study leader. I also spent 7 years as the college pastor at Bel Air Pres, doing campus work at USC, UCLA and LMU. And in that time I learned that many parents know, and students know, that their faith will be challenged at a new level during their college years, and they desire to see their faith grow, and remain spiritually connected and active during this time. I think there are definitely some things that a parent can do to help prepare their kid spiritually for that transition from high school to college, and I think there are some ways to encourage kids to thrive in that transition space as well. Whether it’s parents, a youth worker, friend, etc., many people play a role in helping kids make that transition successfully.

I’ve been looking at Fuller Youth Institute’s College Transition Project and they have been doing some amazing research and providing some much needed resources in this area. The Ivy Jungle also has been providing some resources and stats in this area. And one of the resources that I have enjoyed looking at is the work of my friend Benson Hines at Exploring College Ministry who has been gathering a ton of information and resources during his many road trips to college ministries across the country.

One of the stats that I’ve heard (and that I’m currently looking for the resource), is that if a kid doesn’t get connected to a college ministry/community within the first few weeks of school, there is a very high percentage that they won’t get plugged in until sometime in their junior year. So you can see why the first few weeks of college when everyone is making friends, trying to get connected, and build a community is so crucial.

I’m teaching a class to parents on January 31 at HPPC on this very topic, so let me ask you:

If you went to college and were involved in a college ministry during any of that time…what was helpful, and not helpful in helping get you connected to them?

What can a parent do? Or what did your parents do to help you get spiritually connected in college?

What can youth workers do better to help a kid make that transition?

What would you tell an incoming freshmen about the importance of finding a church/campus church community early on?

I would love some feedback, and I will post later on this topic, as well as adding some of my own thoughts on how to encourage your kids during that transition.

Being Present, Observing, and Removing Distractions (aka Sherlock Holmes)

January 5, 2010 in Ministry-Theology, Technology-Social Media, Therapy-Psychology with 8 Comments

One of the things that I have been telling myself the last few months is that I want to do a better job of “being present” with others in 2010. 2009 was an awesome year, but I felt overwhelmed, and overextended throughout much of the year. There were lots of reasons for that. Lack of boundaries primarily, but I also realized that I didn’t do a good job of being present (to people, to my surroundings, to my relationships, to God) because I found myself constantly online (on my desktop, or my phone) when I didn’t have something to fill my time. God forbid I actually sit still and do nothing…that I actually observe, watch, pay attention, reflect, pray, etc.

So I turned off my Facebook, blog, Twitter, and barely got online except for a couple of times from December 23–January 4th. Not a real long time. But long enough to feel the pains of having to withdraw (Should refraining from technology for a short period of time feel like a stint in detox? Yikes).

And a curious thing happened. Eventually it got easier not to be online that I almost dreaded coming back online yesterday. And I’m someone who loves being online. But I noticed some things while I was away offline. The key word is noticed.

I noticed that lots of things don’t get my attention when I’m constantly looking at my phone, surfing the web, watching TV, etc. I miss out on the little things. The quirks in our relationships. The hurting person on the street who needs my attention. The change of tone in a conversation that lets you know that something is off. The small, still, quiet voice of God.

But being away from the deluge of media on my phone, computer and TV just brought a new sense of awareness and attention to my life that I haven’t had for a while, and I noticed that those around me felt different about the change as well. They noticed that they were of primary importance to me, rather than some dude on the East coast twittering about something. They noticed that I was more into the details. That I was more present with them.

During this break my wife and I went to see Sherlock Holmes and I kept telling my wife “I want to observe the details like Sherlock Holmes.” I said that over and over. But I know that that is just not a skill or a gift that is given, but one that is cared for and fostered by the person. To be someone who has that skill of observation requires that other things that detract from us paying attention be put aside, or have boundaries placed around it.

The skill of observation and intuition is a huge blessing not only for the bearer of it, but for those who are on the benefiting end of it.

Imagine if I as a therapist had as much skill of observation in session with clients as Sherlock Holmes did in his cases.

Imagine if we as pastors/ministers had as much skill of observation with those that we serve.

Imagine if we as family members (wives, husbands, children, parents) had as much skill of observation with those we are in relationship with.

That would be transforming. Continue Reading…