| Rhett Smith:. Transitioning Life's Journey – Reflections on Writing, Therapy, and Faith | Archive

Archive - November, 2009

Some Observations on Social Media and the Emerging World of Therapy and Pastoral Counseling

November 30, 2009 in Marriage-Family, Ministry-Theology, Technology-Social Media, Therapy-Psychology with 3 Comments

I’ve been thinking a lot about the topic of social media and the role of therapists (pastoral counselors) in the midst of it. There is a large percentage of therapists who thinks being online should be super limited, if online at all. And there is an emerging demographic of therapists who are making a splash online and venturing forth to help people in some unprecedented ways. As I work through these things myself, I just wanted to share 3 areas that I have some observations about.

Online Social Media As Catalyst for Face to Face Therapy
Back in July of 2009 I was invited by Tony Steward to come to LifeChurch.tv and film four short videos on depression that correlated with their At the Movies series. It was a great opportunity to work with Tony and the team at LifeChurch.tv; to experiment with online technology/social media around the topic of depression; and to see how online accessibility affected my work as a therapist and a counselor.

Several things came out of our time together that are continuing to blossom, and I’m learning a great deal about combining my work as a therapist in an online medium. One of the real beautiful stories that emerged out of that experience was that I was contacted on Twitter by someone who had come across my video and said “I felt like you were speaking directly to me…yet, you didn’t know me.” That video, led to a Tweet, to an email conversation, to face to face therapy. That’s an amazing story I think.

I continue to receive emails from those videos I shot, and I also continue to follow up on people’s progress who emailed me on Facebook about things they were going through.

We will continue to see social media as a catalyst to help get people into therapy–either face to face in person, or face to face online.

Being Accessible to Help
One of the things about being online, present on Twitter, Facebook or a blog is that you present the image of being accessible. I say present the image of being accessible because not everyone online is accessible. Continue Reading…

A Pastor’s Dilemma: Responsibilities, Limitations and Questions to Ask About Counseling

November 23, 2009 in Marriage-Family, Ministry-Theology, Therapy-Psychology with 5 Comments

[image by dcfdelacruz]

I made a comment on Twitter the other night that went something like this:

Feel blog post coming on about how dangerous it is when pastors ignore serious mental health issues & blame it on spiritual problems

And from that I received a lot of interesting feedback–mostly people saying, yes, I agree. Blog about it. But after sitting on the topic a few days my post is hopefully more helpful to you than the initial rant that ran through my head that night.

Why Pastors Don’t Refer
As pastors we have lots of things going for us. Usually we are good with people and that’s how we ended up in ministry in the first place. People feel safe talking to us, and want to talk with us. We are told we are good listeners and have helped solve their problems. A lot of times we have a great education with a variety of gifts that manifest itself in the ministry we serve in. I think one of the two, or that combination can trick us into believing that we can and should help everyone who comes to us. And this is where I think pastors fall into trouble when it comes to knowing what to do with someone, or why they should refer out to a professional therapist and counselor. Here are some of the roadblocks I think pastors face:

Ego/Naivete: We have certain gifts; we have been told we have those gifts, therefore we think we can help anyone. We become/or think we have become a wonderworker. This happens because of ego, but I also think because of naivete. We fail to operate within limits, or even acknowledge we have limits.

Confusion: We aren’t sure what the counseling/therapy process looks like, nor who to send people to see.

Don’t Care for Themselves: Pastors often don’t care for themselves, so it’s not surprisingly they are unable to help others seek care also.

Time Constraints: Pastors have a lot on their hands, and though caring for the congregation is supposed to be important, that task usually falls through the cracks or is assigned to only one person. Often the time constraints remove the pastor from the process of helping that person seek the proper help.

Fear of Unknown: Like confusion, many pastors just have a fear of the unknown. They are unfamiliar with therapy practices, or who the people in their community they can refer people to are. They also might not truly believe in therapy and counseling, and so there is a fear of sending people to see someone.

One of the reasons I’m passionate about this topic is because I have been a pastor for the last 12 years, spent my youth volunteering in the church, and I’m a PK myself, so I have been around the church a lot. And this is an area that I think we sometimes are weak in, or rather, need more education in.

For example, if someone needs help, who should you send them to? Who you send them to will probably be indicative upon your theological beliefs and assumptions about therapy. There are lots of resources and a variety of options: For example:

Do I send them to someone who is AAPC, certified? Or maybe they need to belong to the American Association of Christian Counselors or the Association of Biblical Counselors? Or maybe they need to be trained in Nouthetic Counseling? Or maybe they should be licensed through the state such as an AAMFT or an LPC? Or what about seeing a Spiritual Director (i.e. Shalem Institute)?

Questions Pastors Should Ask Themselves
As pastors I believe we all share a responsibility in caring for those in our congregation and those that specifically come to see us for help. We have been gifted in many ways to do that, but we also have to be responsible and discerning, and ask ourselves some questions. I asked myself similar questions during my time as a college pastor (2001-2008). And during that time I realized that I was dealing with student issues that were way beyond any type of training that I received in seminary or anywhere else. And even though I felt competent to do many things with an MDiv., I ultimately went back to school to get an MFT. I figured that way I could better help those who came to me, and if I couldn’t I would still continue to refer out as I had been doing. Continue Reading…

Facebook Isn’t the Problem…But Maybe Your Marriage Is

November 18, 2009 in Marriage-Family, Technology-Social Media, Therapy-Psychology with 10 Comments

[image (47/365) :: Saga]

Triangling Facebook Into the Marital Unit
Often I find myself working with a kid in therapy whose parents have brought him/her in because of the problems they are creating in the family. In therapy/counseling terms that kid has become the identified patient. In short, the identified patient is:

The family member in whom the family’s symptom has emerged or is most obvious.

But often it doesn’t take long to realize that the problem really isn’t the kid, but rather the kid is just “acting out” because of what is going on in the family–the kid is carrying/becomes the carrier of the family problem. The scapegoat. This isn’t usually intentional, and is often done at an unconscious level in order to place blame on one member of the family in order to relieve anxiety in the other members–such as the marital unit. This is often why triangles are formed–in order to relieve the anxiety between two people.

BUT, I don’t think Facebook is really the problem. Rather, it’s just an easy scapegoat. Can it contribute to the problem? Yes. Can it be a catalyst in unhealthy marriage relationships? Certainly. But to blame Facebook would be to remove ourselves from the relational responsibility we have. And what about all the great things Facebook can accomplish–ways that it can enhance marriage relationships (I will talk about that later this week).

Non-Technological Neutrality, Marriage Relationships and Facebook
I’m definitely not a technological expert, but I have been learning a lot from John Dyer and others in this area. One of the things I have learned the most about is the non-neutral nature of technology which John speaks about quite a bit and in which I write about more recently in the post, Is Your Addiction to Technology Transforming Your Life. For example, I write:

At the ECHO conference John had a seminar titled Using Technology without Technology Using You. John’s main premise was that technology is not neutral. It can be both good and bad. But ultimately the use of technology is not neutral in that it transforms the user in some way. John gave the example of working with a shovel (a primitive technological tool). The shovel can be put to good use (church planting, building a home, etc.) and it can be put to bad use (killing someone, burying the body, etc.). But in either case it transforms the user in the form of blisters/calluses on the hand. The same is true of technology, whether you use it for good or bad, it still transforms you in some way when you use it.

So the question we all need to ask ourselves is, how is the technology and the tools we are using transforms us? And how does our use of technology transform those we relate to?

This is how I have come to understand the role of technology in my life.

Facebook is not the problem, but if we think that our use of Facebook isn’t transforming our marriage relationships in some way–then I think we are mistaken. Continue Reading…

Revisiting Facebook’s Effect on Marriage and Relationships

November 17, 2009 in Marriage-Family, Ministry-Theology, Technology-Social Media, Therapy-Psychology with 3 Comments

[image by soundlessfall]

Earlier this summer I was contacted by Irving Bible Church in Las Colinas, TX to write an article on technology for their monthly magazine. After talking with the editor at length we eventually agreed upon a topic that we thought would be of importance to the readers — We came up with Is Facebook Making Your Marriage Vulnerable for the October 2009 issue of Chattermag.

I thought/think is a very important topic, and will only continue to grow, but I have been amazed at how this topic has been at the heart of many conversations that I have been a part of (unbeknownst to them that I even wrote this article). I have had several more friends convey stories to me about how their friends actions on Facebook were the cause of the demise of a marriage.

I even received a call from a local TV producer who is working on a story about this topic. In our conversation we talked about the growing concern over this topic, but the difficulty in pinning down what the real issue is. And with these incidents being so early in a new trend (i.e. social networking’s effect on marriage/relationships) it is hard, if not impossible to get people to step forward and discuss the situation.

So I figured that over the course of the next week I’m going to post several times on this issue, looking at what is going on, and what lies behind this issue.

But for today, I wanted to repost my article and get any feedback from you on the issue.

Is Facebook Making Your Marriage Vulnerable?
In the spring of 2005, I found myself in an endless battle with my college students (whom I was pastoring) over the issue of MySpace. Should our college ministry have, or not have a MySpace group? I had questioned the wisdom of it for a long time since I was not happy with much of the salacious content on the site, and I knew I would have little control over it. I finally gave in and was quite pleased that a week later new students showed up to our Wednesday night worship because they had found us on MySpace. But I soon realized how much I had to learn when the fall semester rolled around and my college leaders had gone ahead and created a Facebook group without my knowledge. It was then I decided that the best position for a pastor to take was to be involved with his/her online community. At least then I might have some influence.

That was my big concern 5 years ago. But like most of you, I have since adopted online social media—so much so that it has just become a way of life. I spend time daily writing on my blog, communicating with others on Twitter, updating my resume on LinkedIn, as well as checking out the latest photos and stories from old and new friends on Facebook. And that’s just a few of the hundreds of social media sites vying for my daily attention. But as time passes, I have fewer questions about whether I should or should not be active in these online spaces, but rather, questions about the boundaries I need to establish for them.

Recently, a couple of friends and I were lamenting about two of our friends’ marriages that had ended in divorce. One partner in each of the marriages fostered online connections on Facebook, which eventually led to full-blown affairs. One affair began when a partner reconnected with an old high school friend; the other affair began when one spouse initiated an online connection after meeting a person earlier that week at an event. What had begun as a simple hello on Facebook left in its wake two shattered marriages—devastated spouses and angry children. If you think this is out of the ordinary, just Google the words “Facebook” and “affairs” to find the growing amount of literature on this topic (for instance: here). Maybe this shouldn’t come as a surprise since most of the Facebook rumors tout that it was created to make it easier for college students to “hook up.” I buy into the theory that technology in our lives is not neutral (as my good friend and technologist John Dyer has helped me better understand). Rather, when we use technology, it will affect us in some way. And as married couples, we have to ask ourselves how the current social media is influencing us. Continue Reading…

On the Similarities Between Being a Writer and Being a Therapist

November 16, 2009 in Marriage-Family, Therapy-Psychology with 1 Comment

Though Anne Lamott is speaking on writing–I think it can also be used as one of the best explanations for what a therapist does. I inserted the word therapist for writer and it best explains some of what goes on in therapy–things that are hard to put into words.

[image by Hamed Saber]

“We write to expose the unexposed. If there is one door in the castle you have been told not to go through, you must. Otherwise, you’ll just be rearranging furniture in rooms you’ve already been in. Most human beings are dedicated to keeping that one door shut. But the writer’s job is to see what’s behind it, to see the bleak unspeakable stuff, and to turn the unspeakable into words– not just into any words but if we can, into rhythm and blues.” (Bird by Bird: Some Insructions on Writing and Life, by Anne Lamott, pp. 198)

Whether you are a writer, or a therapist, what do you think of this piece from Anne?

Providing Understanding for Parent’s Experiences Around Their Kids and Technology

November 12, 2009 in Marriage-Family, Ministry-Theology, Technology-Social Media, Therapy-Psychology with 1 Comment

[image by Jeremy]

More and more recently I have been afforded some great opportunities to work with parents around the issue of their kids and technology. There have been some great conversations taking place in the context of therapy, church ministry and some conferences and workshops I have been fortunate enough to play a role in.

Last night the National Coalition for the Protection of Children and Families did a presentation at HPPC on kids and technology, and they asked me to sit in as one of the panel guests in order to help facilitate some of my own thoughts on the presentation and questions that parents might present.

Lars Rood, John Dyer and I did a technology presentation for parents at HPPC back in September, so this was really another opportunity for me to think through some of the primary questions that parents have been raising regarding this topic.

One of the things I have been noticing (and this isn’t different than other parts of the population at large) is that there are a few primary emotions parents tend to experience and express when the topic of their kids and technology is discussed. First, there is fear. Fear of the unknown. Fear of the negative possibilities/opportunities that technology can create for kids. Second, there is naivete. And I don’t say that as a criticism. Rather, it’s the reality–kids are always going to be a step or two ahead of their parents when it comes to technology. So that can create a naiveness on the part of parents. They just may not know what technological tools or social media venues are available to their kids. Sometimes this naivete can put their kids at risk. Third, there is a feeling of defeat. Parents can feel so overwhelmed that they just feel defeated, often choosing to just ignore the issue and let their kids navigate the technological landscape themselves.

These are some of the observations I have made, and I know there are probably more. When you think of these emotions (fear, naivete, defeat), they tend to be more negative and critical in nature. So what I really see as my job, mission and passion is to try and help either remove these emotions from parents, or at least–help parents understand some things about their kids and technology. And hopefully understanding will bring less fear, less naivete and less defeat.

So last night one of the things I wanted to communicate to parents are four reasons why I think technology plays such a big role in their kid’s lives. These are the thoughts I shared:

Technology and the tools of social media decentralize and flatten the hierarchy: What kid doesn’t love this? Not only do we like it as adults, but kids, especially teenagers love any tool that decentralizes authority and gives them opportunities to participate, rebel, serve, create, etc.
Technology and the tools of social media allow for a participatory culture: Because of the decentralization and flattening of hierarchy, kids are better able to participate, and possibly more willing to participate. An “architecture of participation” is something I have blogged about numerous times before. Continue Reading…

MyTherapistMatch: Clearing the Connection Hurdle Between Client and Therapist

November 11, 2009 in Marriage-Family, Technology-Social Media, Therapy-Psychology with 0 Comments

Finding a therapist can be a very daunting process for many people. Finding a good therapist can be even more daunting.

This last summer I posted What to Look for in a Therapist and How to Find a Good Therapist hoping that my thoughts on the issue might benefit some people who find themselves in the midst of this process.

It seems that everyday more and more tools are coming out that are helping bridge that connection between therapist and client. In fact, I was pointed to this site MyTherapistMatch by one of my good friends, and I decided to take the questionairre myself to see what kind of therapist would be matched up with me.

The 79 question survey took me about 5 minutes to complete. I didn’t receive back any results for therapists in my area, but that didn’t surprise me because 1) I live up in Frisco and there are less therapists up there than say Dallas and Plano. 2) The site is still in beta so I’m sure it will take a little while for the site to be populated with therapist referrals. But I love the idea and see this is as one great tool in the search for a therapist.

If you are a person looking for a therapist I would recommend you try it out and see what results you get. And if you are a therapist, I would recommend checking out and seeing what they can do for you.

Check out the video below on why Corey Quinn decided to create this site:

Your Kids Online: What Are You Doing to Them?

November 10, 2009 in Marriage-Family, Therapy-Psychology with 10 Comments

[image by Zieak]

Something I have been torn over for a while is the question of “How much of my daughter’s life do I share online?”

With blogs, Facebook, Twitter, Flickr and other services it’s more convenient than ever to post photos, share little blurbs about their day, and our reactions as parents to certain things. And as an excited parent of a 2 year old girl I find lots of stuff I want to share with others. Even though I’ve been hesitant to blog about her, and I rarely do, people could probably find out information about her pretty quickly online. Between my wife, our families and I, there is more than enough out there. Actually, there is more online than I want there to be at this point.

But I think this is a discussion worth having because I think too many people quickly excuse it and say that “it doesn’t matter”, or if “people really want to find them, then they will.” Or some say, well the future is the internet, so we are just helping them jump online early. But maybe that is more about you than your kids.

I have seen some of the discussions going around, but one that caught my eye was Wess Daniels‘ recent post, Limiting Access: Flickr and Archiving Our Children’s Lives. Wess states:

Now, I am no alarmist and I am not about to get all privacy this and that on you, but I appreciated the question my friend Fernando put to me on twitter: “it’s about giving people control over their “digital destiny.” How will the stuff we post hit our kids future relationships?” And this is really it for me. Not only do we not know what it’s like to have our entire lives archived online, we are the ones choosing what to post and what not to post for the public.

Wess concludes with:

I’ll leave the archiving up to my daughters when they’re ready to do it themselves (Lord knows Google’s got a nice archive on me).

One of the articles that seems to have really challenged Wess’ thinking on this topic was the New York Times article Guardians of their Smiles
from a couple of weeks ago.

This article focuses on the safety of putting so much of our kid’s lives online, but I think Wess hits on something important when he writes, “How will the stuff we post hit our kids future relationships?” As parents we are usually constantly thinking about our kid’s safety, but I do think we fail to realize what affect the online profile we are building them right now could do to them relationally.

I’m currently working with quite a few kids in therapy as well as ministry, and one of the growing conversations that kids are engaging me in is their embarrassment of what their parents are posting about them online, whether it be a picture or some random comment on Twitter. As parents we might think it’s funny to say something like, “my husband just had the birds and the bees talk with our son”, or “sometimes being a parent is exhausting.” As parents we see it as no more than an opportunity to share a piece of our life with others, or to connect with other parents online. But to your kids, it’s more than that. Continue Reading…

Note to Fathers: Move Beyond the “Nuclear Option” Style of Parenting

November 9, 2009 in Marriage-Family, Ministry-Theology, Therapy-Psychology with 5 Comments

If you have heard it once, you have heard it a million times–it’s the phrase that every kid has heard–so much so that it eventually reverberates in their ears like that of noisy cymbals or a loud gong…if they even hear it at all.

It goes something like this:

“I’m your father…that’s why!”

or

“I’m the boss of this household and you must do what I say!”

Pick any variation of it cause I know you have either heard it before, or have said it yourself (and when you find yourself uttering the phrase yourself, it’s then that you know you have jumped the shark in your parenting style).

Why Point Out Fathers
This is a statement that all parents will eventually utter at some point in parenting, usually coming at the point of exhaustion, and with the helpless feeling that there are no other choices. Hence I like to call it the nuclear option of parenting. It’s the proverbial line drawn in the sand…and, if this doesn’t work, well then we are left there shaking our heads, or waiting for things to escalate.

Moms and dads both say such phrases, but I find that father’s most often resort to this methodology of parenting. I have noticed in my 15 years in youth ministry and in my recent years as a therapist that fathers tend to stick to this one way of parenting more than moms, while mothers tend to be more resourceful, often reading books on parenting, attending conferences and getting support in parenting groups. With these resources, moms find less of a need to resort to the “I’m your parent, that’s why” card, but instead have a plethora of creative parenting options at hand that dads often tend to lack.

Now, I know I’m stereotyping here, and I know plenty of dads who don’t only resort to this, but in my experience it is definitely more common. When your child was in the womb it was more than likely that it was your wife who was reading all the books and researching things on food, immunizations, toys and cribs, while you thought she was lucky to have you attend a birthing class or two. If it wasn’t for mothers, our babies would be born into this world and fathers would drag the babies back to a cave to eat the leftover meat of the mastadon that they clubbed the night before. And this doesn’t end there at womb and birth, but tends to be a habit dads carry on into their kids later years.

The Journey Continues…A Stage Along the Way

November 5, 2009 in Marriage-Family, Ministry-Theology, Therapy-Psychology with 7 Comments

[image by Maria Keay]

For those who choose to take the journey, it is lifelong. The longer the journey, the more nuances it takes on and the more it opens up to broader experiences. Yet, a journey must progress step by step. So it is with our spiritual journey. (pp. xvii, The Critical Journey: Stages in the Life of Faith by Janet O. Hagberg and Robert A. Guelich).

I have been meditating on Exodus 17:1 for a good eight years now. The idea of journeying from “place to place” or from “stage to stage” as some translations state has always captivated me.

In fact….it brings me a sense of peace and comfort knowing that I am not expected to journey from A to Z (a one chance shot to move from beginning to end, or to have life figured all out), but rather God moves me from place to place as desired. Where I am now is not my final stage in the journey, but rather one step along a path that will continue to guide me throughout my lifetime. Sometimes the stage may require a lengthy stay, and at other times it may be a quick stop. But each stage is designed to equip and prepare me for whatever step lays next. Whether I move forward, backward or lateral…that does not matter. What matters is that stages are just steps along the way in our larger journey. Or in our larger story as Donald Miller would say.

Why all this talk about stages and journey?

Because after seven months in one stage, I am moving on to the next, and I thought I might share what I have learned, and hopefully you may glean some nuggets for your own journey.

In March of 2008 I decided to leave PCEC so that I could move into my own private practice. And now after seven months in my private practice I am moving on again. This time to HopeWorks in Plano, TX. There are several reasons for this, but one thing my wife and I decided early on was that whether or not I stayed in private practice, it was that risk/step to private practice that moved us out of situation we felt stuck in, and into a new breadth of opportunities, as well as new opportunities for discernment.

Why Am I Moving On?

I have learned that I enjoy working more in a collaborative group environment. Being my own boss was great, but it was also lonely at times. Being in a group setting allows me to still be my own boss, but in a supportive environment.

Part of the journey has been learning what I am good at, and what I am not so good at. As well as learning what skills I want to strengthen, and which skills aren’t as strong, nor should be spent inordinate amount of time working on. What I learned was that though I can do all my own administration (I am pretty organized), I didn’t thrive on doing Quickbooks, scheduling, bills, etc. In fact, it zapped my energy for much needed areas that I should be devoting my time to (i.e. therapy itself, study, marketing, etc.). Now I’m in a setting where people who are gifted with billing, scheduling, payments, etc. will take care of all that for me, and I can focus on what I think I do best. Working with people in a therapeutic setting, as well as providing education for churches, speaking and writing.

I’ve learned that to become the best therapist I need to become it will require that I give all my energy to that. (A minimum of 10,000 hours according to Malcolm Gladwell in Outliers). This new setting allows me to do that, while still allowing me to do the other things I love as I mentioned above (speaking, teaching, writing).

This situation I think allows me to set better boundaries and take better care of my family. I’m no longer thinking about all the bills and paperwork when I go home at night, because someone does that for me. I found that because of that I’m more attentive to my wife and daughter. And shouldn’t I be practicing that if I’m going to be telling couples and families they need to be doing the same thing?

I really do get the best of both worlds: I’m still my own boss, set my own schedule, building what is essentially my own practice/clientele, but in a group setting under the auspice of HopeWorks. I love it.

I am already seeing new clients at HopeWorks, but will also continue to see current clients in my private practice until the end of January. I would appreciate your prayers…as well as any referrals to me, or any opportunities you may have for me to speak, teach, or write.

So I feel very blessed and content believing that this is what stage God has me in along my journey. And even though at times I feel like I should be farther along, or because at times I feel like a failure because I moved on to a new place in seven months…I’m at peace knowing that life is full of nuances, and to fully live life we must be prepared to move where God leads us…even if it’s not what we had expected. My father and I were discussing a while back that the longer we live life, the more we realize that God provides us with opportunities in areas that we have never expected or envisioned if it were left up to our own making.

So a key to our journey…to writing our story well, is to be open for God to lead you in those unexpected ways.

Can you share an example of the stage you feel God has you in now and how you got there?

Has God ever brought you to a stage totally unexpected from what you had planned?