One of the things that was sort of a wake up call for me when I got married were the number of times that I thought I was really listening to my wife, but she would retort with “you aren’t listening to me.”
Inside, my pride was telling me that she didn’t know what she was talking about. I mean, come on. I was a pastor and listened to people for a living (pastors can sometimes been notoriously bad listeners). And I was training to become a therapist…who listens more than a therapist? And after all, were all those people wrong who would tell me I was a great listener? That’s what I was thinking inside my head. And of course those thoughts stayed inside my head, as should many thoughts that came racing across my brain during arguments with my wife.
But as time goes on I am beginning to see that what we often see as listening is not really listening at all. We assume because we hear, that therefore we have truly listened. But hearing and listening are not the same thing as most of you can attest to.
The longer I’m married, the more people I counsel, and the more material I read, I am convicted that we are a society that is not very good at listening to one another. In fact, we rarely take time to listen to ourselves, instead choosing to fill up the space with noise to keep us from having to truly reflect on what is going on inside of us. This inability to listen to ourselves doesn’t stop with us, but carries over into our most important relationships.
Nothing feels as great as when you feel like someone has truly listened. And in all honesty I’m not always very good at it. Some days are better than others, while some days are horrific. The worst thing about it is that those we most love often get shortchanged because we think they will understand, therefore we take them for granted. I get paid to do therapy and to do ministry, therefore I work really hard to listen to those people who come my way.
But often when I go home I equate that to being off the clock, not working. Failing to realize that the most important job I will ever have takes place at home. It takes place in the interactions with my daughter and my wife.
So why do I get lazy at home when it comes to listening? Why do I not work as hard to listen to those who are the most important to me?
Maybe this is just me, and you don’t have this struggle. But if you do, I would love to hear from you.
Here are a few things that I have been trying and want to get better at when it comes to listening to my wife:
- Stop everything I’m doing when we are talking (close computer; turn off TV; put down magazine; turn off cell phone, etc.)
- Mentally prepare myself to hear, rather than prepare to respond. You can’t listen if you are busy formulating a response.
- Don’t try and fix anything….unless….and I mean, UNLESS you are asked for a solution. Even then, proceed with caution.
- Picking up on #3; most listening is never about solving anything…it’s just about listening…being present in conversation.
These are some things that I have tried, and will continue to work on….my whole life.
What do you do to be a better listener to your spouse?
Well you pretty much have it nailed down. In my view, the one area that most men miss is number 3. They have more trouble with that than anything else because men for the most part are wired to want to “fix” something if it’s broken or something is wrong. So instead of listening to our wives and just allowing ourselves to be a repository for all the things they want to get off their chest, we’re immediately struck with this desire to want to “fix” the problem. By saying, “How do we fix this?” women are ultimately reach the conclusion we’re not listening because if we were, we’d know whether or not they were looking for a solution.
If any man is having trouble understanding that, I suggest they see the movie, ‘When A Man Loves A Woman.’ While it is fictional, it is a perfect illustration of what a husband should not do. In one sense he is an enabler of his wife’s addiction to alcohol because he knows that he can take care of her. When she gets sober, there’s nothing left to fix and she just wants somebody to listen to her which is a foreign concept to him.
.-= Jay´s last blog ..Why Religion Fails =-.
Jay,
We are such fixers, that is so true. And I think when we continue to want to fix, our spouses decide to find other people who will just listen. So I’m striving really hard to be a better listener.
That is a great movie by the way. Thanks for sharing your thoughts.
Rhett
.-= Rhett Smith´s last blog ..Destigmatizing Mental Illness =-.
Great post, Rhett. I can certainly relate to much of what you’ve written.
Here are a few thoughts that I had: One thing I’m realizing with myself is that since so much of my life is lived in a world where there are specific goals/deadlines/accountablity structures etc., I have a hard time devoting my entire attention to activities that are to be done simply for their own sake. This effects several areas of my life, not the least of which is my ability to listen to my wife. Time spent listening to her does not enable me to check any boxes off of my proverbial “to-do” list, thus fully engaging in those sorts of times doesn’t come naturally to me, but instead requires concerted effort. Of course, as the above situation illustrates, the most important things in life are those done for there own sake, and I’m making an effort to recognize that so that I can improve my listening in general, and my listening to my wife specifically. I’m inclined to believe that many men struggle with interpersonal activities that are done simply for their own sake, like listening to one’s wife.
Also, I like the list that you provided of ways that you’re trying to improve your listening. I try to employ many of those myself. I decided a long time ago that #2 is especially important in the midst of conflict, whether it’s with my wife or someone else. Often times in conflict we are formulating our rebuttal when another person is speaking to us, and this leads to escalation, talking past each other, animosity, etc. I try to make it a rule that whenever I am in conflict (which fortunately isn’t all that often), I don’t start formulating a response until the other person is done speaking, and I start my response my conceding what ever points I am able to concede.
Thanks for writing this post, it helped remind me of things that are all too easy to forget.
Brian,
Thanks for commenting.
I love this statement by you:
“I have a hard time devoting my entire attention to activities that are to be done simply for their own sake. ”
So, so true. We tend to have a purpose in our conversations, interactions, work, etc. It’s not nearly enough to do something just for the sake of doing something. That’s such a hurdle for us to get over.
I like that you are working on this. Even though you aren’t a newlywed (what, like 3 years), it’s great to practice this stuff early on in the marriage relationship, otherwise those habits just tend to build up and crystalize, which I think just leads to a lot of resentment.
Thanks for your comments.
Rhett
.-= Rhett Smith´s last blog ..Destigmatizing Mental Illness =-.
Great post Rhett! So true…love your practical advice.
Thanks Charles….
I try to be…..
Rhett
.-= Rhett Smith´s last blog ..Destigmatizing Mental Illness =-.
Great post Rhett. This is always a struggle, as I prefer to be heard than to hear. You have identified some of my biggest failings – particularly the TV/Comp issue. Being married really allows you to grow a lot in this area, and while it is painful it is necessary and ultimately makes all relationships better.
To add to the discussion, the big things I’ve learned to do (and still struggle to do sometimes) are -
1) Always ask follow up questions. It makes her feel listened to and it forces me to be engaged without thinking about fixing the problem.
2) Always ask if she wants any of my thoughts before sharing.
3) Repeat what she’s saying back to her to make sure I heard it correctly.
4) When the conversation is more or less over, ask her, “Do you feel listened to?”
Number 4 is the one that has served me the best, as either a yes or no response allows her to ultimately get what she needs from the conversation.
Once again good thoughts Rhett. I hope you are well.
Chris,
I love your thoughts…#4 is great and so practical. I think we sometimes think our spouse should know everything about us, otherwise we feel like they don’t love or understand us. So in believing that, we take out really simple things that we can use…like asking direct questions. I think that’s a great question to use. And when you ask those direct questions, I think it leads to a deeper intimacy.
I’m “stealing” your ideas and will try implementing them.
Thanks for sharing….
Rhett
.-= Rhett Smith´s last blog ..Destigmatizing Mental Illness =-.
Amazing marriages are built on practical behaviors. Thanks for breaking in down to simple steps!
Jonathan,
So, so true….theory is no good if there isn’t some practical takeaway from it (at least most of the time) and especially in marriage relationships.
Rhett
.-= Rhett Smith´s last blog ..Destigmatizing Mental Illness =-.