Archive - October, 2009

So You Have a Lot of “Friends” Online…Now What?

October 23, 2009 in Ministry-Theology, Technology-Social Media, Therapy-Psychology with 9 Comments

Cultivate logo_Oct 27-1Tony Steward and I are super excited to be facilitating a conversation at the Cultivate Conference this upcoming Tuesday in Chicago.

Ever since we were asked to facilitate jointly at the conference we have been discussing what would be the most beneficial conversation we could be a part of. What experience and skills could we both bring to the table?

In the end, this is what we have landed on…

Title
Finding Our End // Communicating in the social web brings relationships with it. How do we care for those relationships in our limitations while continuing to effectively communicate?

Description
As we work online, where do our social/pastoral responsibilities begin
and end, while caring for ourselves and our families?

Tony is obviously an important voice in this area as he brings his expertise from his role as the online campus pastor for LifeChurch.tv. And I hope to bring my experience as a pastor and therapist to the discussion, and how actually some of the online volunteer work I have done for LifeChurch.tv has generated new ways of thinking about our roles and responsibilities online.

We hope to see you there…

Destigmatizing Mental Illness

October 21, 2009 in Marriage-Family, Technology-Social Media, Therapy-Psychology with 1 Comment

I came across Bring Change 2 Mind via DJ Chuang’s twitter stream.

On Bring Change 2 Mind’s website it states the following:

1 in 6 adults and almost 1 in 10 children suffer from a diagnosable mental illness. Yet, for many, the stigma associated with the illness, can be as great a challenge as the disease itself. This is where the misconceptions stop. This is where bias comes to an end. This is where we change lives. Because this is where we Bring Change 2 Mind.

I love the push to help bring awareness to mental illness, hopefully providing support, resources and relief for many who suffer alone.

Check out the video below:

Are You Truly Listening to Your Spouse

October 20, 2009 in Marriage-Family, Therapy-Psychology with 12 Comments

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[image by ky_olsen]

One of the things that was sort of a wake up call for me when I got married were the number of times that I thought I was really listening to my wife, but she would retort with “you aren’t listening to me.”

Inside, my pride was telling me that she didn’t know what she was talking about. I mean, come on. I was a pastor and listened to people for a living (pastors can sometimes been notoriously bad listeners). And I was training to become a therapist…who listens more than a therapist?  And after all, were all those people wrong who would tell me I was a great listener?  That’s what I was thinking inside my head. And of course those thoughts stayed inside my head, as should many thoughts that came racing across my brain during arguments with my wife.

But as time goes on I am beginning to see that what we often see as listening is not really listening at all. We assume because we hear, that therefore we have truly listened. But hearing and listening are not the same thing as most of you can attest to.

The longer I’m married, the more people I counsel, and the more material I read, I am convicted that we are a society that is not very good at listening to one another.  In fact, we rarely take time to listen to ourselves, instead choosing to fill up the space with noise to keep us from having to truly reflect on what is going on inside of us.  This inability to listen to ourselves doesn’t stop with us, but carries over into our most important relationships. Continue Reading…

Reminder to Parents: Presence=LOVE

October 19, 2009 in Marriage-Family, Therapy-Psychology with 10 Comments

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[image by Schantzilla]

One of the things that I vividly remember from growing up was my father’s voice calling out encouragement from the sidelines of my athletic events. It didn’t matter if I was a good or bad player, or whether or not I even got in the game. My dad’s presence on the sidelines or in the stands was always there. The more I reflect on that, the more amazing it is to me, especially since my mom died when I was 11 years old and my dad was essentially left alone to raise my younger brother and I.

I probably didn’t realize it then, but I have come to see it more clearly now, especially since I’m a parent. And what I realized was that for my dad to be present at my brother and I’s events (be it school plays, sporting events, etc.), a sacrifice of time was required. There was juggling of work schedules and many other things that went into him being there.

Ultimately, the message that was being sent to my brother and I was that time with us was more important than making extra money to buy things we didn’t need; that time with us was more important than sitting in front of the television.

I don’t know how many parents get this, but I wish more did.

I have worked with thousands of kids over the last 15 years in various settings. From camp counselor, to youth pastor, to therapist. And they all wish the same thing (sometimes spoken out loud; sometimes only discerned by the look in their face).

And that is….Parent’s time with their kids translates into love. Kids know that they are loved and cared for when their parents are present. Continue Reading…

Self-Care Is Not Just About Doing, But About Being–And Some Books for the Journey

October 13, 2009 in Ministry-Theology, Therapy-Psychology with 7 Comments

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[image by Tamara Areshian]

In my last post, When You Refuse To Take Care Of Yourself, You Are Refusing To Take Care Of Those Around You, I just briefly reflected on some comments by Rob Bell at the Catalyst Conference 2009 and how I felt they played into self-care.

Self-care is a large topic. For example, what does it mean? I know there are lots of different definitions, but I tend to think of it in terms of how one cares for themselves physically, spiritually, emotionally (psychologically). Anne Jackson adds a fourth one talking about relational health. These things involve some basic things that are sometimes difficult to integrate into our daily lives. Things like getting enough good sleep. Eating well. Setting personal boundaries. Exercising. Spiritual devotion and exercises. Etc.

A couple of observations.

Self-care just isn’t about doing the right things–it’s really a way of thinking that is connected to our identity and who we are as people. So it doesn’t matter too much if you do all the right exercises, but deep down inside you have a distorted view of who you are. Going through the motions is not the same thing as caring for one’s self.

You might say that self-care is as much about being as doing.

Also, the amount of literature on this topic is glaringly absent in many Protestant, Evangelical circles. Please tell me I’m wrong and point me towards it, and then I will stand corrected. I’m not saying there isn’t any period–I’m just saying that Protestant, especially Evangelical theology tends to leave out the topic of self-care.  It’s often the Catholic literature that one must turn towards to find any help on this issue. And many have as I have.

Again, we tend to want to go do something…to fix something. That is the wrong view to take on self-care. Ultimately there are some things that we do do…but it’s as much about who we are and about being, rather than doing.  That’s a difficult concept for many people who equate doing and busyness with godliness, spirituality, success in ministry, etc.

So what I want to do is recommend some books that I think do a good job of blending two things together: 1) Getting at the root of self-care, and issues around identity, and how they play out in our behavior. So don’t go in expecting just to find a to do list. These are books that get at the roof of the matter, and often that will take you to an uncomfortable, but necessary place. 2) Providing some practical steps for self-care and things that you can practice and hopefully integrate into your daily life.

There are lots and lots of books that I can recommend, but let me start with some basic, very accessible books that I think are MUST READS. Yes, I did say MUST READS. But then again–I’m biased. So I will start with a list of 11 (10 books and a novel series) for you. Every one of them is great and has deeply influenced my life in some profound ways around the issues of how one’s identity and being shapes their view of self-care.

  1. In the Name of Jesus: Reflections on Christian Leadership by Henri Nouwen.
  2. The Way of the Heart by Henri Nouwen.
  3. The Inner Voice of Love: A Journey Through Anguish to Freedom by Henri Nouwen.
  4. Let Your Life Speak: Listening for the Voice of Vocation by Parker Palmer.
  5. A Hidden Wholeness: The Journey Toward an Undivided Life by Parker Palmer.
  6. Mad Church Disease: Overcoming the Burnout Epidemic by Anne Jackson.
  7. Leading on Empty: Refilling Your Tank and Renewing Your Passion by Wayne Cordeiro.
  8. Purity of Heart Is To Will One Thing by Soren Kierkegaard.
  9. The New Man by Thomas Merton.
  10. The Critical Journey: Stages in the Life of Faith by Janet O. Hagberg and Robert A. Guelich
  11. The Starbridge Series by Susan Howatch (6 novels in that series–this series gives you a close up look of those involved in ministry and what happens when issues around self-care, identity, boundaries, etc. are ignored–fascinating reading).

So please add to my list and tell me what books have helped you out in this area of self-care.

When You Refuse To Take Care of Yourself, You Are Refusing To Take Care of Those Around You

October 9, 2009 in Marriage-Family, Ministry-Theology, Technology-Social Media with 3 Comments




This caught my eye:

  • Is there any way you’ve neglected to take care of yourself because of the allusion that you have to keep going all the time.
  • You need to be fulfilled with energy and vitality so you can love what you do more than you did before.
  • Have you been observing a Sabbath?
  • Which day of the week can we NOT get a hold of you because your cell phone is turned off?
  • Which day of the week do you not respond to emails?
  • Which day of the week are your busy doing NOTHING?
  • Which day of the week are you feeding your own soul so you can then turn and feed others.
  • Until we take care of ourselves, we can’t properly care for others.
  • Oftentimes our drive to work and to produce is driven by an unhealthy motive.
  • REPENT. Change your thinking.
  • Start with yourselves.
  • Does your spouse get your very best or does your spouse get what’s left over after you’ve given your best to your church, to what you are building?

(A Sampling of Tim Schraeder’s notes from Rob Bell’s talk at Catalyst)

And then again the same thing here:

Is there any way in your ministry, that you have neglected to take care of yourself? You need to love your neighbor as yourself. You need to take care of yourself so that you can be energized. Which day do you take care of yourself, so that you can give during the other six days of the week?

Does your spouse get your very best, or does your spouse get what is left over from the church? Do your kids get your very best, or do they get the scraps? Our children pick up on what really matters to us without us saying a word.

If it is not going well at home, it will not go well at church. Jesus invites us into a peaceful, calm place in the center of his love. (A Sampling of Kent Shaffer’s Notes from Rob Bell’s Talk at Catalyst

Why it caught my eye–The themes:
1. The inability for self-care
2. And how your inability for self-care affects your family

The reality:
You must learn how to take care of your self (aka self-care). You must learn how to say no to certain things. Even what seems like good things. You must create margins of space in your life where you can breathe and be FULLY present to others.

Because if you don’t….

It’s not just you that suffers, but it will be your family that suffers as well. Spouse, children, relatives. It will be your ministry, or church or organization that suffers as well.

Let’s start with IDENTITY:
Rob Bell is right when he stated: “Oftentimes our drive to work and to produce is driven by an unhealthy motive.” So have you taken the time to stop and reflect on your life…what motivates you to do the things that you do…both healthy and unhealthy? Have you created space in your life to do that? I believe that we do the things we do out based out of a core understanding/misunderstanding of who we are…our identity. And when our identity is misplaced, then we can spin our wheels trying to do more and more to please others or to try to prove our worth. Maybe a parent wasn’t present in our lives growing up so we spend the rest of our lives trying to prove that we are worthy…that we are lovable. Maybe we have failed in some areas of our life, made some mistakes, so we think if we just try harder, and push more, then we will be successful…people will like us.

Who knows what it is for you in your life? I don’t know where you have placed your identity, or where you get your worth from. But we must look at these things, because if we aren’t careful, they can then be the root of our inability to take care of ourselves. And when we can’t, or refuse to take care of ourselves, then we can’t take care of those that God has placed in our lives.

And the really frustrating thing is that I often do such a bad job of self-care…

So what are we to do?

Check out the next few posts as we explore some practical steps towards self-care.

Founder of NetSuccess Lori Barber: On Her Company, Social Media and Her Battle With Cancer

October 8, 2009 in Technology-Social Media with 0 Comments

NetsuccessBack in August I sent out a tweet about cancer in our family and how my wife and I created a team (The Shade Runners) for the Susan G. Komen, Race for the Cure. And later that day I received an @ reply on Twitter from Lori Barber that said the following:

@rhetter I should join…..I’m a survivor!

I had already been following the work of Lori Barber and her company NetSuccess, but it was that tweet that bridged the connection and allowed me the privilege this last week to sit down with her and ask her some questions about her work, social media and her battle with cancer. Lori is the founder of NetSuccess and was recently just featured in a great article in the Dallas Business Journal, “Weathering the Storms.”

Check out the interview below:

How long have you lived in Dallas?

Since ’93…I grew up in Missouri.  I lived there until I met the man who later became my husband.  So my move was inspired from a guy.  And then I started NetSuccess in 1995.

If someone where to ask you what NetSuccess does, how would you respond?

We are an interactive agency. We specialize in helping our clients use internet technologies.  So anything that is done online and that is interactive…that kind of falls within our specialty.  Design a website, developing a website…to make sure it has the right technology that is scalable, that will accomplish the goal…marketing, and that’s the whole science of how we drive traffic to the site.  That could be social media, it could be pay per click advertising, it could be search engine optimization, it could be mobile application.  And then maintenance.  Maintaining a site over many, many years.

Do you have an ideal client you like working with?

Yeah, we kind of exist in the middle sector of the marketplace.  We are a great agency for mid-size business.  We aren’t the guy in the garage.  But we are also not the behemoth layer upon layer upon layer interactive agency. We can service anyone with a mid-range website application.  We probably aren’t going to launch the next Amazon.com, but we also aren’t going to do a kind of one-off.

What’s your favorite aspect of your job?

I think it’s serving my clients and really helping them.  The web touches so many aspects of their business, and if you can get the website right, and really use the technology, it can literally change the course of a business.  I mean if you can leverage…if you can use the right technology, and implement a design that will speak to a target audience, that can drive the right kind of traffic to a site, and then convert that traffic.  That process, doing it correctly, can change the fate of a business and their lives.

Continue Reading…

Terri Swain: A Look at Breast Cancer’s Affect on Her Family

October 5, 2009 in Uncategorized with 0 Comments

rfcda_SGK_LogoRecently I had the chance to interview Terri Swain with the Susan G. Komen Dallas County Affiliate. She has an amazing story, and her team 1:11 Lauri’s Angels (which was created in memory of her sister) will be participating this October 17 in the Race for the Cure.

One thing that continually impresses me is the resiliency in people’s lives as they battle with breast cancer. And each time I hear a story about breast cancer I am reminded of just how common it is in more people’s lives than one often imagines. Check out Terri’s story below, and see how you can get involved by participating, encouraging, financially supporting, etc.

Rhett: Terri, can you tell me what your official role with the Susan G. Komen Race for the Cure is, and how did you get involved?

Terri: I am a Director on the Board of the Susan G. Komen Dallas County Affiliate. I have been on the Board of Directors for four years. I have served as the Race Chair for the 2008 race and the 2009 race. These are both volunteer positions. After going through all my experiences with breast cancer, I really wanted to serve in a leadership capacity. Through various contacts I had, I was able to be interviewed and selected for work on the Board.

Rhett: I read on your team bio that your team compromises friends and family, who are running in honor of your sister Lauri who passed away two years ago from breast cancer. If you don’t mind, can you share a bit about her experience and how that influenced you to get involved in what you are doing now?

Terri: In 1998, when my sister Lauri Campbell was 35 years old, she was diagnosed with Stage II breast cancer. She was living in South Carolina. I had participated in Race for the Cure events since 1992 because I was an avid walker/exercise enthusiast and always believed it was a great cause. However, it became VERY PERSONAL for me when Lauri was first diagnosed. That year, I RAN my first Race for the Cure (instead of my usual walking). I figured if my sister could endure 8 rounds of chemo, surgery and 40 rounds of radiation, I could run a simple 5K. I went there by myself and it was a very emotional day for me. I looked at the race from a whole new perspective that year – I was part of the breast cancer family. In 1999, we celebrated my sister’s survivorship with all my family – my mother, three sisters and young nieces flying to Dallas and participating in the Komen Dallas Race for the Cure. It was a time of celebration and triumph. We were through with breast cancer but it was not through with us. In 2002, I was diagnosed with breast cancer – now breast cancer and our family were getting REALLY PERSONAL. Again, a valiant battle was fought and a Breast Cancer survivor – ME! – emerged. I was lucky in that my lump did not look Continue Reading…

A Little Bit of Everything for the Weekend

October 2, 2009 in Marriage-Family, Ministry-Theology, Technology-Social Media, Therapy-Psychology with 0 Comments

Running, Technology and Clarity…
You can check out my guest post at John Dyer’s blog, Running Without All the Noise. These are some thoughts on why running without music is beneficial, and I encourage you to give it a try.

Marriages, Technology and Facebook…
You can check out my guest post at the online version of Chatter Magazine (Irving Bible Church), in which I talk about the issue of technology (specifically Facebook), marriages and boundaries. If you are married, and on Facebook, I would especially love to get your feedback. Is Facebook Making Your Marriage Vulnerable?

Cultivate Conference, Communication and Ministry…
There are lots and lots of reasons to attend the Cultivate Conference this month in Chicago. Let me give you at least 4 for now:

John Acuff on Writing, Storytelling, Cultivate09, and His new book, “Stuff Christians Like”

Cultivate 2009: My Interview With Matt Knisely, And Why You Should Attend

Cultivate 2009: My Interview With Cynthia Ware, And Why You Should Attend

Carlos Whitaker On Why You Should Attend The Cultivate Conference

When Kids Hurt Conference…And It’s Free!

October 1, 2009 in Marriage-Family, Ministry-Theology with 0 Comments

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Here is an amazing opportunity that our church, HPPC, along with some other churches are putting on for people this weekend in Dallas. I hope to see you there.

“For youth pastors, volunteer leaders, and parents, When Kids Hurt challenges caring adults to help self-protective teenagers who are struggling to make the transition to adulthood in the midst of fractured families, an increasingly competitive and fast-paced society, and ambiguous moral guidelines.

When Kids Hurt challenges and empowers adults to understand kids and move toward them in ways that can help them grow and become the kinds of adults our world needs to survive and thrive. “It is our hope and prayer that When Kids Hurt can help leaders and pastors understand what adolescents are going through and be more loving and helpful in the ways they relate to the young men and women in the world,” say Clark and Rabey.”

Chap Clark “When Kids Hurt Conference”
Saturday, October 3rd, 9:00am-3:30am
Fellowship Bible Church, Dallas, TX

The Conference is Now Free!!!
Due to the overwhelming support of several church ministries in the DFW metroplex the cost of the conference has been completely underwritten.

www.whenkidshurt.com