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Chatter Magazine which is the great print/online monthly magazine for Irving Bible Church dedicated their October issue to technology. There are some really great articles in there like John Dyer’s Stop Bringing Your Bible to Church!
My contribution was on the issue of technology and marriage, more specifically, Is Facebook Making Your Marriage Vulnerable? In the article I address what seems to be a growing trend of people reconnecting/connecting through Facebook, and starting friendships with those people, which eventually lead to an affair in their marriage. Some of the evidence is anecdotal, some of it through stories from friends, but one can see the growing evidence in the daily news.
In the article I focus on the Identity, Boundaries and Accountability as three areas that are helpful if you are married and on Facebook….or if you just want to have healthy relational interactions on Facebook period.
If you don’t already know this, I’m a huge fan of Facebook, but here are some things I suggest in the article.
Here are just a few tips I have found helpful in my own marriage and counseling practice:
* Set parameters around how much time you are online each day. For example, no Internet after 9 p.m.
* Share passwords with your spouse. Let your spouse check your accounts on occasion for accountability and vice versa, not because you don’t trust each other, but for an added measure of protection.
* Do not engage in intimate online conversation with someone who is not your spouse. For example, are you sharing details about your marriage with someone online who is not your spouse?
* Set appropriate privacy filters/details on social media. For example, have you set parameters for your iPhone and YouTube, which are huge avenues of pornography for many?
* Be a part of an offline accountability group/small group.
* Use online accountability tools. For example, subscribe to an online service such as Covenant Eyes (www.covenanteyes.com), which keeps track of all your web usage and e-mails a report to your accountability partners each week.
You can read the entire article here.
Let me know what you think. And if you have any helpful suggestions, or if you want to share what you and your spouse do, that would be great.
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Great article with helpful tips for setting protective “virtual” boundaries for our marriages! Appreciate the tips and encouragement you provide for couples. We should be constantly aware that the enemy will look for any way to attack our marriage and social media is no exception.
Leigh Ann,
Thanks. I appreciate it very much.
I’ve had to be very mindful about where my time is spent online, and what actions I take. Even the littlest things can distract from my marriage.
Thanks for stopping by and commenting.
Rhett
Rhett Smith´s last blog ..Is Facebook Making Your Marriage Vulnerable?
One thing I make very clear is that I don’t accept Gifts or special requests.
This may seem trivial to some but I often get people wanting to send hugs, roses, gifts and all sorts of stuff.
I had to tell a good friend of mine recently to stop sending this stuff, it may have all been sent in good spirit and without any ulterior motives, but it could very easily be seen by a third party as flirting.
Thanks for the post.
Jeremy young´s last blog ..What Is The Browser Address Bar.
Jeremy,
I don’t think it’s trivial at all. I think it’s the small things that we overlook that eventually get us into trouble later on.
Yeah, very easy to get involved in 3rd party flirting. Thanks for sharing.
Rhett
Rhett Smith´s last blog ..Is Facebook Making Your Marriage Vulnerable?
Setting careful boundaries on both FB and other social media sites is essential. If you intend to maintain the integrity of your covenant relationship, you need to carefully delimit the nature of your interactions with folks who aren’t your spouse. When you start sharing intimate details or engaging in flirtatious or sexual talk with another person, it’s laying the groundwork for unpleasantness.
Beloved Spear´s last blog ..Forgiveness and Connections
Definitely laying the groundwork for unpleasantness.
It’s so easy for people to start oversharing things, especially with those who aren’t their spouse…even easier if their marriage isn’t doing great.
Thanks for sharing.
Rhett Smith´s last blog ..A Little Bit of Everything for the Weekend
Thanks for passing the article along. I also really liked that article about not bringing your Bible to church. Do a little study on the subject of print-based culture vs. oral culture. It is fascinating. I love reading and living in a culture that values reading, but I often wonder if I’m missing something communal. I think about how the Protestant Reformation was born amidst the growth of printing-press technology and how that shaped the values of Protestant churches to this day. Interesting stuff.
Thanks again for passing along the article. Check out the Covenant Eyes blog some time if you are interested in the subject of accountability.
Blessings!
Luke Gilkerson´s last blog ..Alfred Kinsey, Christian Culture, and Sexual Repression: Reexamining Old Beliefs
Luke,
Yeah, John Dyer’s article was great. He is a very smart man. Check out his blog http://www.donteatthefruit.com when you get a chance.
And I will check out the Covenant Eyes blog. I have been a Covenant Eyes member for almost 2 years now I think. Great tool. I’m always recommending it.
Rhett
Rhett Smith´s last blog ..A Million Miles in a Thousand Years: What I Learned While Editing My Life by Donald Miller
Rhett, it’s great that you are examining this topic. The “rules” for propriety are the same for FB (and email, and blogs) as any other setting, but the internet has made “getting away with” infidelity much easier. It has broken down many of the time-space boundaries that exist outside of it, which on the one hand has wonderful advantages, same as those the printing press, the Pony Express, the telegraph, telephone, and television brought before it: much greater ease of communication and connection with others. But such ease requires greater vigilance.
Another factor may be that boundaries between the sexes have been so in flux since the 60s. I know many think this is a bad thing, but I think it’s good – I believe that men and women are peers and there is no problem if they act as such. But this adds to the confusion, especially for younger people who have grown up in a more egalitarian and divorce-prone culture.
But I don’t think that the internet necessarily fosters infidelity — just makes it easier. A person with boundary issues online will have them offline as well. I think you speak rightly of identity in your article — when we find our identity in Christ, we will have awareness of and dedication to our other covenant identities such as wife, husband, mother, father, friend, etc. If we are focused on honoring these, then we will not indulge impulsive, selfish desires but be able to put them in proper context.
Also, while online impropriety can easily lead to IRL trouble, there is usually ample opportunity to nip things in the bud. Especially when negotiating early-stage communication – some people are a lot more open than others and communication can be misinterpreted. But if it seems trouble is brewing, the burner can be turned off, so to speak, before anything gets close to being out of hand. Steps can be taken to keep communication at a proper level, just as IRL.
You asked for input on how people protect their marriages online – I keep my husband informed of my online communication, especially any that I think he would want or need to know about. We often discuss it just as we would IRL communication. He has full access to any of my accounts at any time.
Bonnie´s last blog ..The Soul of Art and Life
Bonnie,
Thanks for commenting. Lots and lots of good stuff you talked about.
I particularly liked this section:
“Also, while online impropriety can easily lead to IRL trouble, there is usually ample opportunity to nip things in the bud. Especially when negotiating early-stage communication – some people are a lot more open than others and communication can be misinterpreted. But if it seems trouble is brewing, the burner can be turned off, so to speak, before anything gets close to being out of hand. Steps can be taken to keep communication at a proper level, just as IRL.”
I think that when boundaries are crossed online, it really makes it even easier to cross them in IRL as you stated. It pretty much is laying the groundwork ahead of time.
And the boundaries between the sexes is an interesting thing as well. There is just a lot of confusion out there. I have seen it especially with young couples who are in their early 20’s right now and in early 30’s. They try to maintain these best friend relationships with the opposite sex….and do so to the harm of their marriage and relationship with their partner.
I had lots and lots of talks about this issue with college students of mine who were heading into marriage right after graduation.
Rhett
Rhett Smith´s last blog ..A Little Bit of Everything for the Weekend
Hey Rhett,
Great article!
Check out ours, “Is Facebook a Cyber-threat to Your Marriage”
We also wrote, “How Facebook Can Improve Your Marriage”
Great minds think alike
Blessings,
Kelli Krafsky
Kelli Krafsky´s last blog ..Welcome to Ramblings of a Marriage Junkie