Archive - July, 2009

Are You Experiencing Depression?

As I mentioned yesterday, I had the opportunity to share some thoughts around depression with LifeChurch.tv. The first video, An Anchor in the Journey-Exodus 17:1 appeared yesterday, and I posted a little more details on my blog, Depression: Getting Honest With Our Journey.

You can check out the second video, Depression: At the Movies continued.

Assessing Depression
There are a variety of factors and tools that one may use in assessing if someone has depression. In therapy, there are usually a few basic questions I ask to better assess what is going on. In my work as a Marriage and Family Therapist one of the main tools that we use is the DSM-IV (i.e. Diagnostic and Statistical Manual for Mental Disorders). Whether or not one believes in diagnosing individuals, some of the criteria they provide is very helpful in getting a sense of the symptoms that one is exhibiting.

51yeqm7b52l_bo2204203200_pisitb-sticker-arrow-clicktopright35-76_aa240_sh20_ou01_As a pastor, leader, or volunteer in the Church you most likely will not look at the criteria in the DSM-IV, but it’s important to have a baseline of criteria that one’s symptoms can be measured against. A book that I have found really helpful is Depression and Hope: New Insights for Pastoral Counseling by Howard W. Stone. In this great book Stone says the following:

Criteria for Depression

Depression, or melancholia, is known in psychiatric terminology as major depression to distinguish it from the normal low periods that many people go through. The psychiatric diagnostic criteria for major depression lists nine symptoms, as follows:

  1. Depressed mood, sadness, irritability part of each day, nearly every day
  2. Diminished pleasure or interest in daily activities
  3. Considerable weight loss or gain, change in appetite
  4. Significant change in sleeping patterns (The most common result is early waking.)
  5. Marked increase or decrease in movement (Most commonly the person physically slows down.)
  6. Fatigue and loss of energy
  7. Feelings of worthlessness or guilt (The feelings are beyond the scope of how people would usually feel.)
  8. Difficulty in concentration
  9. Ideas of suicide or death

To be diagnosed with major depression according to the American Psychiatric Association criteria, persons must exhibit at least five symptoms for a minimum of two weeks, and have either depressed mood or diminished pleasure or interest on most days for at least part of the day (APA 1994). These criteria are a good basis for determining if someone really is depressed. The certainly are not exhaustive but signal that a person’s story may be one of melancholia. (pp. 65-66)

Have you, or are you experiencing any of these symptoms? Have you sought out help for them? Continue Reading…

Depression: Getting Honest With Our Journey

Untitled
[image by Church Online]

This week I have had the opportunity to share some thoughts around depression with LifeChurch.tv. You can watch the 4:34 minute video, An Anchor in the Journey-Exodus 17:1 as I talk about the importance of seeing our lives as a journey, and the experiences we will come up across during the journey…such as depression.

Whether you are struggling with depression yourself, or just know someone who is, I hope that you can resonate with the video and the post below.

I remember where I was at the exact moment I read the words below by Rob Bell in his book Velvet Elvis: Repainting the Christian Faith. I was sitting on our couch in Pasadena, CA and as I read each word the resonance grew deeper and deeper within me until I finally felt like I was hit by a ton of breaks…but at least understood. At least there was some pastor out there I thought, this one in Michigan, who put words to my feelings and thoughts in ways that I was not able to at the time. Bell says,

Once again I am going to give you some numbers, and I hesitate to do so, but it is part of the story and it helps to explain the rest. Two years into it, there were around 10,000 people coming to the three gatherings on Sundays.

In the middle of all this growth and chaos was me, superpastor. I was doing weddings and funerals and giving spiritual direction and going to meetings and teaching and dealing with crises and visiting people in prison and at the hospital–the pace and the workload were unreal.

I can’t begin to describe what it was like because it was happening so fast. One minute you have these ideas about how it could be and the next minute you are leading this exploding church/event/monster. All of a sudden there are all of these people who know who you are and want something from you and think you’re a big deal, and you are the same person you’ve always been. Everything has changed and yet it hasn’t. It’s hard to explain, but I found myself asking, “Where is the training manual?”

Continue Reading…

Dealing with issues around depression, anxiety, etc…

This last week I had the opportunity to drive up to LifeChurch.tv to film 4 video vignettes on the movie Henry Poole is Here. Without sharing too much in this post, the movie does a great job of really capturing some of the more human experiences we go through during difficult times in our lives. So I shot 4 videos, each about 3-5 minutes long dealing with different thoughts on topics such as depression, anxiety/angst, etc.

If you haven’t seen the movie, I really recommend it. Even better yet, check out LifeChurch.tv’s new sermon series, “At the Movies”, with plenty of opportunities this week for you to view online.

So each day this week (Monday-Thursday) you will see a new video vignette from me over at LifeChurch.tv Facebook page, and you will have the opportunity to interact, comment, ask questions, etc. I hope that what I have to share will be of encouragement to you, and I hope that I can point you towards some great resources as well.

Church Online at LifeChurch.tv is a great ministry, and I really appreciate the opportunity they have given me to talk about such important life issues, especially in such a great online venue where the interaction among people is so authentic and real.

So please let me know if I can be of any help this week as I post videos, interact with content, and point you towards resources on the topics of depression, anxiety, fear, anger, etc.

Premarital Counseling: Before You Say I Do

3675827407_0251593938
[image by vicnknes]


One of the things that I wish more couples did was seek out premarital counseling. It’s quite shocking to me that very few people go through any type of premarital counseling, therapy, classes, etc. leading into their marriage. We require training and exams for driver’s license’s, to get into school, but one of the most important decisions one can make in life hardly requires anything.

There are lots of great resources out there for Premarital Counseling, but one of my favorites is Prepare/Enrich. My wife and I went through this program with our therapist, and I have recommended it to quite a few couples who have found it to be extremely helpful.

One of its strengths in my opinion is its ability to identify issues that couples need to discuss in counseling before marriage. Usually the key issues that are identified, then become the topic of therapeutic conversation. For example, issues like money, inlaws, sex, education, God, etc. may be ones that couple’s need to talk about with someone.

Most couples go into the engagement phase so head over heels that they aren’t always thinking clearly, or they are fearful of approaching some serious subjects with each other out of fear of actually disagreeing on something, or finding out so close to marriage that they actually don’t see eye to eye. So they just ignore the issues, but inevitable they will not stay hidden but emerge sometime early in marriage.

So if you are going to get married, or about to get married…do yourselves a favor and get premarital counseling.

If you are already married, and did or did not get premarital counseling, can you share your thoughts on your own perspective for either doing, or not doing it?

Improve Your Marriage During Tough Economic Times

111249523_4bf2d2d22c
[image by Stewart]


I came across this post the other day, 15 Ideas To Improve Love And Marriage During Tough Economic Times.

The post is actually great advice for anytime, not just hard economic times. Tess Marshall says:

80% of the people who have lost jobs are men. We live in a society where men are expected to play the role of economic provider. When men lose their jobs they lose their status as a provider and often feel like failures.

Many wives have become the sole provider in relationships, often feeling totally responsible and pressured to bring home more income.

Children who normally have excess now need to adjust to having less. Parents feel guilty for not being able to provide like they have in the past.

Our economy offers us an opportunity to grow, become stronger, and keep our marriage happy, healthy and intact.

Continue reading to check out the 15 helpful tips that she discusses.

Do you have any other tips that you would suggest?

Book Recommendation: The Mystery of Marriage

41R3EY2E5AL._BO2,204,203,200_PIsitb-sticker-arrow-click,TopRight,35,-76_AA240_SH20_OU01_The Mystery of Marriage: Meditations on the Miracle is a book that I read probably back in 1999, or 2000, after I was required to do a book report for one of my family counseling classes in seminary. This book was one of a handful of books recommended by my professor, and at the time I thought, well, I’m interested in marriage, at least at some point in my life, so I might as well start reading now.

What attracted me initially to the book was the title. It wasn’t a self-help style book, or here is “seven steps to a great marriage”, or the “ten things you better do before you say I do, or else your marriage is doomed”…type of book. Instead it was simple:

The Mystery of Marriage

I liked that, because for all I knew from experience at the time was that women were definitely a mystery at times, as men could be as well, and if God could bring two people together in marriage, it was definitely a mystery that could not be reduced to simple steps. It was also a miracle, hence why Mike Mason meditates on it. Meditation conjures up the idea of something that takes patience, work, concentration, etc…you don’t think of ten easy steps, or eight sure fail rules, when the word meditation is in the mix.

And his table of contents was very different than any table of contents I have ever read concerning books on marriage. Short. Simple. Mysterious. Here is the table of contents.

Foreword
Preface
Prologue
Otherness
Love
Intimacy
Vows
Sex
Submission
Death
Epilogue
The Lover’s Hermitage

I think this is the best book of all the books I have read on this topic. It is beautifully written, and Mason does a great job of exploring difficult themes in marriage, while maintaining a sense of mystery, and not talking things to death, or laying them out in steps. So if you aren’t into easy steps, this is a great book for you.

And for those of you who are single, or who think they are light years away from marriage, I found this book to be a great prepping tool before marriage. Mason gives great insight into the single mind, and the struggle one has, and the desire one has to be single, yet also to be married. It is a great read.

Have you read this book before? What did you think of it?

Two Questions I Have For You About Being Married

There are two questions that I often think about in terms of marriage, and it’s these two same questions that I often like to ask couples…so I am going to pose them to you. Here they are:

What is the most rewarding thing about being married?

What is the most difficult thing about being married?

Using Your Twitter Leverage for Good

Before I continue on with my current series that I started here and here, I want to post an article I just wrote for Inspiren, which is the publication for the Christian Web Conference which I will be speaking at in September. I would love any feedback that you might have.

I have shared this story with many before, but my very first tweet from Twitter was on December 9, 2007, and it read something like this:

“working on my blog”

Not exactly life changing, is it? In fact, I must have thought about what to write for about 10 minutes. Using Twitter is an interesting experience and I have come to find that there are usually a few steps that one follows before they eventually come to their “sweet spot” in regards to getting the most benefit out of it. First, there is adoption of the tool itself. Convincing one to use Twitter was much more difficult in 2006-2008 before everyone jumped on board this last Spring. Before that time, Twitter was a small, but thriving online community that’s tipping point came in 2007 at SXSW in Austin, TX. I even wrote an article in March/April of this year for Collide Magazine, Why Tweet? Shaping Your Narrative One Tweet at a Time, telling pastors why they should be on Twitter. Second, there is the issue of popularity. This may not be the same for everyone, but once someone adopts the tool, well, they would like to have some followers and to know that others are reading what they write. But popularity and number of followers is only a temporary chasing, before one hopes to get to the third step (which actually may involve less, or more followers). Third, I like to use the term narrative leverage, which refers to the leverage one has to do good, implement action, create community and more through the use of their Twitter profile.

So once you have adopted, found an audience, the hope soon becomes how can I take this tool and use it to the benefit of others, and I think there are several ways that one goes about doing that through the use of narrative leverage.

In the article in Collide Magazine, I wrote:

We all have the privilege to sit with people on a daily basis as they share various snapshots of their life with us. In fact, some of my fondest memories of being a college ministry director involve sitting across from a student at a coffee shop as we engaged one another over a cup of coffee and conversation. Those were memorable times, but one coffee talk chat was hardly enough time to even begin to get a sense of who that student was. Instead, I needed multiple trips to the coffee shop with them. One standalone conversation was just a short chapter in the larger narrative of that student’s life. But when compiled, all the conversations began to paint a beautiful portrait of who they were and what kind of story they were living…

I have never understood how and why some people view Twitter as only an online tool without real world offline implications. Every time I tweet I am inviting others to see my life, to engage me, and to participate fully with me. In fact, I will argue that because of Twitter we often come to know people more fully than we sometimes do in our day-to-day, week-to-week encounters at work, school, and church. Twitter is a 24/7 engagement in the lives of others that affords us the opportunity to observe people in a unique way. We may see aspects of people’s lives and personalities through Twitter that we have not seen in person.

This is what Leisa Reichelt refers to as “ambient intimacy”, and what Clive Thompson refers to as “ambient awareness”. It’s this idea of being aware to all the sharing and talking from our friends and others that continually surrounds us. This is no more evident than on Twitter. Some may think that sharing what you ate for breakfast is trivial, but it’s not. Instead it’s just another brushstroke in the larger portrait that makes up someone’s identity.

To best use narrative leverage on Twitter involves a couple of simple steps. First, It involves you sharing your life online. A Twitter profile that is only links, quotes, agenda pushing, helps little in the way of sharing one’s personal narrative, and doesn’t invite others into your story. So add variety to your tweets, both personal and informal that can help others identify with you. In doing this, you are adding to the “ambient intimacy/awareness”. Second, listening is crucial to this concept of narrative leverage. Not only are you sharing your narrative, but so are others, and your job is to step into that “twitter stream” and listen to what others are saying. Where do you identify? What needs are out there? How can you help? What are you passionate about? When you combine these two things, the sharing of your narrative online, and the ability to listen to what others are saying, then you better leverage yourself to enter into Twitter and help make positive change in the communities and lives around you.

As I conclude this post, let me give you an example. My mother, grandmother and aunt have all died of breast cancer, so that is something that I have twittered about online. What I soon realized was that other cancer survivors, as well as those who have lost loved ones to cancer were now following me and corresponding. Through my sharing (narrative) and my listening (ambient awareness), I saw the opportunity to leverage my profile for social good. I contacted the local Susan G. Komen affiliate in Dallas about ways that I could raise money online through running two races (The Race for the Cure in October and the White Rock/Dallas Marathon in December). So now, because of my narrative, and because of listening, I will be raising money online through Twitter, Facebook and my blog to help the lives of those people around me who have been affected by breast cancer. This is the growth of my Twitter profile…from adoption, to popularity, to ultimately narrative leverage.

What can, or have you been sharing that impacts others? And are you listening in return? There is a world of good you can do with Twitter. I hope to see you at the Christian Web Conference, and I hope you can join me for my presentation and discussion, Twitter: Collaborate, Connect, and Resource via Your Story.

6 Marriage Books That I Highly Recommend

There are lots of good books on marriage, but I want to mention just six of them here that I highly recommend. And in recommending them, let me just give one brief statement of why I like them.

As For Me and My House: Crafting Your Marriage to Last by Walter Wangerin Jr.

  • I love Wangerin’s approach in talking about marriage here.  He doesn’t write about steps to follow, but really approaches the topic from a real narrative standpoint, sharing story after story that the reader can enter into and relate to about marriage.

Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love by Sue Johnson

Passionate Marriage: Keeping Love and Intimacy Alive in Committed Relationships by David Schnarch

  • Schnarch’s discussion on “differentiation” is very valuable.  I love his insight.

Sacred Marriage: Celebrating Marriage as a Spiritual Discipline by Gary Thomas

  • His first chapter on how marriage is about “holiness and not happiness” is paradigm shifting in most of our views.  It was mine.

The Mystery of Marriage: Meditations on the Miracle by Mike Mason

  • This is my favorite book on marriage.  Not steps, just a deep, philosophical and theological look at marriage that is quite refreshing.

The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman and Nan Silver

  • I mentioned this book last week, but it’s a great book with some very practical tips and exercises for couples.

What books would you add to this list and why?

Fun with the Online Church crew at LifeChurch.tv

Today I drove the 3 hours from Dallas, TX to Edmonds, OK to film 4 video vignettes at LifeChurch.tv with the Online Church crew. The videos will most likely air sometime next week. But for now, here’s a little iPhone video Tony Steward shot with me.

Page 2 of 4«1234»