[image by Pink Sherbert]
I mentioned earlier last week that my wife and I are thinking through where we want to move in the Dallas/Ft. Worth Metroplex when our lease is up in August. And I stated that as we contemplate this move all sorts of questions have arisen in our mind (stewardship, finances, mission, family, vocation, etc.)…put those all in the mix and they will help determine where we want to settle down.
On Thursday I took a look at the issue of financial stewardship as a reason for why people often make a move to the suburbs. For all the jokes and criticism suburban life gets, there are legit reasons why families move there and often finances is one of the top reasons. That’s one of the reasons why we are possibly thinking about settling down there.
Another reason for why families often make the transition to the suburbs is because of family. They are trying to keep the family life intact, and hoping that life in the suburbs can guarantee that with its good schools, convenient ball fields, central shopping and lots of churches to choose from…family life will remain central.
That seems like a great thing…so you might be surprised to find critiques regarding that value. As a Marriage and Family Therapist, family life is obviously very important to my work, and what I believe as important. That’s why I struggled with my reading through the really great book, Families at the Crossroads: Beyond Traditional and Modern Options by Rodney Clapp. He says this:
In the postmodern world the market and its ways have swallowed our lives whole, so that living in genuinely Christian family is almost a lost art. Recovering the purpose of Christian family, on the distinctive terms of the Christian story, requires two declarations–one negative and one positive.
The negative declaration: The famly is not God’s most important institution on earth. The family is not the social agent that most significantly shapes and forms the character of Christians. The family is not the primary vehicle of God’s grace and salvation for a waiting, desperate world.
And the positive declaration: The church is God’s most important institution on earth. The church is the social agent that most significantly shapes and forms the character of Christians. And the church is the primary vehicle of God’s grace and salvation for a waiting, desperate world. Putting the church first, of course, runs counter to the interpretation of many evangelical traditionalists. They put the biological family first. They emphatically place family at the center of God’s purposes and work on behalf of the world…..
Yet, we cannot put Jesus first and still put family first. (pp. 67-68)
So as my family and I ponder our move, one of the questions we have been asking ourselves is, “Is our desire for a certain way of family life taken the primary importance of God’s mission or call on our lives?
What do you think about what Clapp says?
How do you wrestle between call and family in your own life, and where you choose to live?
{ 14 comments… read them below or add one }
I have moved to the suburbs primarily because of my wife’s desire to be around her extended family. (It required not only a move to the suburbs but a change of state.) In the 3 years since we moved we have become very involved in our extended family and less involved in our church. At our old urban location, we went to a church in walking distance with about 50 people. I was the chair of deacons, I regularly preached, for most of the time we lived their we hosted or at least participated in a small group.
When we moved, we went to the church my mother-in-law and sister-in-law went to (a very large 20,000 member church). We volunteered in the nursery for 2 years, but had to stop because the day was too long for my niece. We have not participated in a small group (although we have tried to). I have tried to participate in the Men’s prayer group, but it is difficult because the church is 25 mins away.
I now am the nanny for my 2 nieces (20 months and 2 months). My brother-in-law lives in our basement. My father-in-law passed away in January and I help out my mother-in-law a fair bit with house stuff. My life has become consumed with family.
But I totally agree with your basic thesis. Family should not be the extent of our Christian lives. It has become a idol for much of the Christian world. But church can be an idol as well. Too often, church involvement (programs and busy work with only Christians) supersedes real ministry. Church should be about community through ministry, not just more. It is very easy to become an observer at our church. Music is usually a spectator sport (in the balcony were we usually sit there is rarely more than 1 in 5 that I can see that actually sing). Only about 1 in 3 either attend a small group or ministry group (and often the same people do both).
Sorry this is more of a dump than helpful contribution. But I am currently wrestling with this. I thought my ministry was going to be urban and with churches. I got a pair of Masters (social work and divinity) but I am working as a nanny. I totally chose what I am doing and feel that it is what God wants me to do right now. But I still struggle with some of the implications.
Adam,
No worries…great thoughts. I don't even know where to begin. And I love that you have two masters, but are a nanny, and enjoy what you are doing. Many people have masters and hate what they are doing. I've done all kinds of odd jobs with my masters degrees before I settled into some stuff.
Yeah, can’t say that I agree with Clapp’s assessment there. What honor would it bring God if, for the sake of church, my family is lost? In the NT, we find the principle that the apostles were to reach Jerusalem, Judea, Samaria, and from there the ends of the world. In other words, reaching from what’s immediately closest to them and going outward from there. If you look at children of many, many pastors, many of them are lost and angry at the church. Why? Because the church stole their dad. As a pastor myself, now, I have vowed that such will not be the case for me. I think the best lesson I can give my son (and my churches) is to love and care for my family in a godly way, giving them a glimpse and picture of what the Father is actually like.
Rodlie,
I hear what you are saying. I'm a pastor too, and the son of a pastor. I think I probably didn't do Clapp justice. Clapp isn't suggesting that we abandon our families. But I think what he is suggesting is that in our culture we have made family first, prior to God. He doesn't suggest that it's okay for a pastor to be out all the time…never at home with the family, etc. I agree..nothing is more disgraceful to me than a pastor who sacrifices his family on the altar of his/her ministry.
I think there is something different between the church being the most important institution and ignoring your family. Ignoring your family is sin in my mind. But saying the church is more important as an institution, says that God ranks above all other things.
Agree…Clapp is talking more about that. His words are probably more controversial than what he means. But reading the whole book helps.
Peter calls the church “a people for God’s own possession” – a family (1 Pet. 2:9).
Jesus likewise redefined who his family was: those who do his Father’s will (Matt. 12:47-50). Yet he also criticized those who would ignore their obligations to their biological family for the sake of the religious institution (Mark 7:11).
For a Christian who desires to follow the “one another” commands for the church (e.g., love one another, etc.), the members of our own households are the place to start.
Having said that, I think that in the American evangelical church many have come to believe that the church exists to serve the family, preserve our marriages, etc. However, in the ages to come, it will be the church that endures, not the biological family.
Steve,
Well said…a lot of what Clapp is talking about is American evangelicalism and the worship of the family, over God. He is talking about the need to replace our priorities..not abandon our family of course. But not worship them either like much of the Western Church culture has done.
Does Clapp acknowledge anywhere in his book that for the early Christians, many (if not most) congregations were nearly synonymous with families? Churches which met in homes were necessarily small in size (anywhere from a few people upwards to 50 or more for some large homes) and the residents of each home would likely form the core or even the bulk of the assembly.
Furthermore, many households throughout the Roman Empire contained more than what we refer to as the “nuclear family.” They would also include relatives and servants. This is why passages in Ephesians 5-6 and Colossians 3-4 deal with parents, children, and servants. Paul was attempting to inform entire households about proper Christian attitudes and behaviors.
Finally, the leadership requirements outlined in 1 Timothy 3 strike me as being oriented around household relationships and responsibilities. This makes sense because in Paul’s mind, the church is God’s household (see verse 15).
For a thorough scholarly study of house churches, I’d recommend House Church and Mission by Roger Gehring. I don’t pretend that it’s a fast read, but it’s stuffed with good information about the role houses played in the spread of the gospel of Jesus Christ and the building up of His church.
Bob,
I’m trying to remember that part in the book, but I believe he does.
I appreciate your assessment on the topic, and I will definitely have to check out House Church and Mission by Roger Gehring as you have suggested. It’s a fascinating topic for sure.
I think Clapp does a great job of handling the topic though.
Rhett
Rhett Smith´s last blog ..So You Have a Lot of “Friends” Online…Now What?
I disagree strongly. As more and more families break down, you want to add more pressure to this God given unit, as the world de values family and marriage you ask it to take a back seat also. What was Gods original design for family, it came first before he built his church, church is modelled from family, not the other way around. Look at the fruit it produces, putting church activities programs and ministries first, produces burnt out families. Why not build a strong christ centred family from which we have the platform to love and draw others into christ’s family! Not drawing them into sitting in rows or pews. When we have a strong family unit we are free to be involved second in ministry.
Well said Sophia. It seems that most of the problems in this world stem from broken families. If it wasn’t for broken families the church’s mission budget would be a lot smaller. I think one objective of the church should be fostering loving families that worship God and that help to heal broken families.
I am a minister with a heart for evangelism, I as well as my family; regularly witness and serve in the community at every opportunity; as well as serve within the local church. My husband is also a minister, we’ve been married for a few years. I recently gave up membership from the church we’ve attended together for several years; because of unloving behaviors (inside the church) which put a strain on my personal ministry & family. My husband remained with that organization and told me that he was committed to the Pastor. I have gone along with that for about the past six months until he recently told me that a church meeting he was going to attend (after the regular morning worship) was more important to him than a “committment” he’d made to my daughter, who is a single parent. This offended me more than the comment he’d made after I’d decided I had to depart the church we’d attended together; my husband had told me “I feel that the pastor and some of the behaviors that go on aren’t right, but I’m not taking sides.” Although I love my husband, the sting of his recent comment – saying that the church “meeting” was more important than keeping his word to my daughter was quite deep. He says, and does a lot of things which are offensive to me, but I try and do the righteous thing – and let it go. This time, I didn’t do that, I told my husband that he needed to go until he figures out what’s really important to him. I strongly believe that salvation, a relationship with Jesus Christ, and being right with God should have precedence in every Christain’s life…but when “family & people in need” takes back seat to churchy activities or meetings; then there truly has to be a LOVE deficiency, and a lack of gratitude toward God for the gift of family…ultimately the house is not in godly order.
I will be making a move to Dallas shortly with my family in tow. They have no choice, because it’s where I could find work that will pay for their food, clothes, and put a roof over their heads and keep them safe from the elements. This is my priority, I’ve never questioned if I should put Jesus before my family. For me family is first, I am already living a good christian life.
Sam