Archive - May, 2009

Some Poets on Boundaries and Differentiation

May 12, 2009 in Marriage-Family with 3 Comments

Two of my favorite poets are the German poet Rainer Maria Rilke and the Lebanese American poet Kahlil Girban. One of the things that has drawn me to these two poets, especially when they write on love and marriage is the way in which they speak of relational boundaries, specifically what we talk of in marriage therapy as differentiation. This has always been intriguing to me, but even more so as I work with couples in therapy.

I wrote this at the end of April concerning differentiation:
Schnarch will often say that differentiation is knowing where one begins, and one ends. Or the balance between one’s desire for belonging/relationship, and the desire for freedom/independence.

Knowing where one begins, and one ends in a relationship/marriage, as well as the balance between one’s desire for belonging and independence is something that I think Rilke and Gibran capture beautifully.

Enjoy the two entries by Rilke and the one by Gibran:

“On Love & Other Difficulties…”

Rilke on Marriage…

“The point of marriage is not to create a quick commonality by tearing down all boundaries; on the contrary, a good marriage is one in which each partner appoints the other to be the guardian of his solitude, and thus they show each other the greatest possible trust. A merging of two people is an impossibility, and where it seems to exist, it is a hemming-in, a mutual consent that robs one party or both parties of their fullest freedom and development. But once the realization is accepted that even between the closest people infinite distances exist, a marvelous living side-by-side can grow up for them, if they succeed in loving the expanse between them, which gives them the possibility of always seeing each other as a whole and before an immense sky.”

Rainer Maria Rilke
May 14, 1904, Rome

Continue Reading…

Last Word (from me for now) on Bivocational Pastors/Ministry

May 8, 2009 in Ministry-Theology with 1 Comment

The last couple of weeks I had several posts on the issue of bivocational pastors/ministry. Two written by me, and one by Jon Sampson. It was a topic that has been on my mind for a while and you can read them below. And to everyone who commented, I’m still getting around to all of your comments….I really appreciate the stuff you wrote, and it made me think through a lot of things. So I’m planning to get through them all this weekend and hopefully leave some good feedback.

Bivocational Pastors: Are You One?


Bivocational Pastors Continued: Two Statements


Why Bivocational? 6 Reasons Why by Jon Sampson.

I was just going to close by saying this. I think that there are many different models of doing ministry, pastoring a church, etc. I don’t think one is more important than the other…or the right way. Volunteer, part-time, full-time…the Church needs them all. House church, small church, megachurch…the Church needs them all.

I’m learning along the journey that there are just models that I gravitate towards…that I feel most at home in…and that feel theologically accurate with my beliefs. But that doesn’t mean that other ways and models are not correct.

I just happen to be at this specific stage of the journey (thinking about bivocational ministry, new models of church, etc.), and you might be at another stage. But I hope along our journeys we can interact, learn and grow from one another.

Thanks.

Rhett

Four Areas Church Employees Need to Rethink: Part 4–People Aren’t Always Thinking About Church…or Your Ministry.

May 6, 2009 in Ministry-Theology with 3 Comments

As I mentioned previously, I was compelled to write a few posts on some areas that I have been rethinking in regards to my perspective as a church employee…and I’m hoping that it wasn’t just me who needed to do some rethinking.  So I have chosen four areas of concern that I have seen quite continually from church employees.

I began talking about the need to rethink our Meetings, our Volunteer Expectations, and our Boundary Modeling.

Now, let me say something in regards to how PEOPLE AREN’T ALWAYS THINKING ABOUT CHURCH…OR YOUR MINISTRY.

This may come as a surprise too many of you, but I’m hoping not. You see, the problem begins this way. Often, especially if we are full-time, all of our time is spent in church doing ministry. We eat, sleep, breathe the ministry. This isn’t unusual to this profession alone. But here is the difference.

  1. Other professions often leave work, and if they go to church, they go to church.  On the other hand, our work, is also our church.  We are submersed in it.
  2. We sometimes/very often put a higher value on “spiritual things.”  So if one works in the church, or volunteers, then they must be doing the highest of spiritual things…so we like to think.

What this does is set us up with the mentality that everything revolves around church.  And more specifially, everything revolves around our church, and my/your ministry. Continue Reading…

Relational Tension: Connectedness vs. Separateness

May 6, 2009 in Marriage-Family with 0 Comments

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“Stewart and Shannon were dealing with one of the most pervasive problems of intimate partnership, the drawing of personal boundaries. Boundaries exist on two levels: behavioral and emotional. Behavioral boundaries refer to the preferred amount of togetherness in a relationship. The second, emotional, level has to do with distinguishing which thoughts and feelings and wishes are within the self and which are within the partner.


According to Murray Bowen, there are two major human needs: the need to be a separate self and the need to be connected to others. Although it’s possible to satisfy both needs, there is a tension between them, and most people lean either in the direction of being connected or of being independent. This inner tension between autonomy and intimacy is related to the outer pattern of togetherness and separateness that Salvador Minuchin referred to as enmeshment and disengagement.” (Inside Family Therapy: A Case Study in Family Healing by Michael P. Nichols, pp. 44)

What Happens When You Set Boundaries in a Relationship

May 4, 2009 in Marriage-Family with 0 Comments

I’ve been talking briefly this last week about boundaries, especially since it is such a popular topic not only among those who go see a therapist, but it is popularized in self-help books, magazines, talk shows and about everywhere you look.



Unfortunately, boundaries may be talked a lot about, but they are easier to talk about than to develop and to live within. In terms of setting boundaries two fears often arise when we think about them in terms of our relationships:

  1. What if I set a boundary? It’s risky.  What if the person doesn’t like what I have to say?  Or worse, doesn’t want to be my friend, or stay in a relationship.
  2. What if I don’t set a boundary? That’s risky too.  I might remain in the same situation, with the same dynamic replaying in the relationship.

I love what Henry Cloud and John Townsend say in their great book Boundaries:

We are built for relationship. Attachment is the foundation of the soul’s existence. When this foundation is cracked or faulty, boundaries become impossible to develop. Why? Because when we lack relationship, we have nowhere to go in a conflict. When we are not secure that we are loved, we are forced to choose between two bad options:

  1. We set limits and risk losing a relationship.
  2. We don’t set limits and remain a prisoner to the wishes of another. (pp. 64)

What is your biggest worry/fear/anxiety in setting a boundary in a relationship?

Four Areas Church Employees Need to Rethink: Part 3–Modeling Boundary Setting

May 4, 2009 in Marriage-Family, Ministry-Theology with 2 Comments

So I have been writing a few posts (will be 4 in all) on some areas that I think church employees need to rethink, or at best, at least address.

Now I’m not writing these posts cause I have done all these things right, rather I am writing them because I have failed in all of them and have had to rethink them myself. Hopefully I get smarter the longer I do ministry.

If you haven’t noticed, most of them revolve around two key areas: 1) volunteers/those who serve who aren’t “employed”; 2) time management/time priorities.

My first post was on Meetings and my second post was on Volunteer Expectations.

This brings me to my third.

MODELING BOUNDARY SETTING
When I speak of boundaries I could talk about all kinds of them, but I’m focusing on the boundaries you model in regards to your time priorities.

I hear more and more church leaders (and I’m one of them) who have often complained about the time priorities that those in the congregation have. In fact, more than likely you will hear at some point a pastor exhort the members of the church to be better parents and spend time with their kids, or be a better spouse and spend time with one another. We are really good at telling others how to manage their time, and what areas to prioritize it…especially from the pulpit. But we are not so good at doing it ourselves.

I have made the comment that two of the worst professions I have ever seen in regards to time priorities are pastors and therapists. Which is ironic since they are always telling others how to do it. I’m both of those professions…so I don’t know what says about me (I’m in trouble). We tend to have a “do as I say, not as I do” mentality when we pastor. Continue Reading…

Four Areas Church Employees Need to Rethink: Part 2–Volunteer Expectations

May 1, 2009 in Marriage-Family, Ministry-Theology with 16 Comments

Let me say that the reason that I am bringing these four areas to your attention is not because I’ve done well as a church employee in these areas…but rather, these are areas that I’ve failed in, struggled with, and have had to crash and burn a lot to come to this place of rethinking them.

So I began with meetings on Wednesday.

Today…

VOLUNTEER EXPECTATIONS
Nothing has bothered me more recently than this issue. I think that for the most part, our expectation of volunteers is often unhealthy, and puts them in places of ministry and service without a clear boundary.

Let me keep is short and simple. By this, I mean that we just often ask of our volunteers too much, without taking into consideration the rest of their lives. We assume that they eat, think and breathe church as much as we do, but I have found that is not true. Volunteers actually have a home, family and life outside of church, with lots of other responsibilities. While often our entire job is up at church, thinking of needs we have for volunteers, without much consideration of what is demanded.

When I was single I knew less of what family life required. When I was married I started to gain a better perspective. But when we had a baby, wow, I had a whole new appreciation for the demands of family life, and the necessity to help set clear and appropriate expectations of our volunteers, without asking them to sacrifice their families on the altar of ministry…which unfortunately many of us church employees do. Continue Reading…

Two Great Therapy Blogs

May 1, 2009 in Marriage-Family, Technology-Social Media with 5 Comments

There are some great therapists out there who have a blog which I enjoy reading…and which I think you will too. Luckily for me, the two I’m highlighting today are in the Dallas-Ft.Worth Metroplex, which means I have had the opportunity to connect with them and pick their brain about therapy, as well as the topic of blogging and social media.



First Simple Marriage. This is the blog of Corey Allan, whom you can also follow on Twitter @simplemarriage.



Second I Choose Change. This is the blog of Jennifer Ryan, whom you can also follow on Twitter @ichoosechange.



There are some great blogs out there that focus on the topic of relationships (marriage, parenting, dating, etc.), so if there are any that you particular like reading, leave their url in the comments below so I can post on them. And don’t forget to follow me on Twitter @rhetter.
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