When I took my first full-time church job I was as 27 year old single college director.
When I resigned I was a 33 year old husband and father of a baby girl.
I had no idea what that stage or life transition would look like, and it was a tough one to make in ministry. When you are a single pastor, especially in youth related ministries there is a huge spoken or unspoken expectation that you have all the time in the world to be with people and spend those late night and long weekends with students. And often that is what you find yourself doing.
I wish early on I had set some better boundaries and expectations around the ministry that I was pastoring. And I also wish that there had been someone to help me navigate all those life changes that really throw curve balls at you while you are doing ministry. There were definitely people speaking into my life, but I think as a whole we don’t think about ways to help those who serve alongside of us in ministry help make that transition successfully.
When I was single I burned the candle at both ends…In hindsight I came to see just how unhealthy that was, and that I really lacked some clear boundaries and was not differentiated enough from the ministry and people that I led.
When I became a husband I no longer wanted to spend weekend nights out at events, or long weekend retreats and week long mission trips away from my wife.
When I became a father I no longer wanted to come home late from work and miss my daughter’s meal times and baths and bedtime.
Something had changed in those 7 years…I had changed…and I was no longer so sure of how I could pastor the ministry effective…or if I even wanted to or had the same desire. That was a lonely feeling and only a few people recognized that and were able to resonate with me and speak into my life. Now, 8 months removed from the job I am finding out that I’m not alone in this transition and I’m starting to wonder if we (the Church) can help those going through the same transition, better navigate the landscape?
Have you ever experienced this before? How did you deal with it?
Do you have any suggestions of how we (the Church) can walk alongside people and support and encourage them during this joyous and life changing time?
{ 6 comments… read them below or add one }
@jasondtaylor
Rhett, this comment my sound a bit like a shout out for what I do so I hope the intent is clear, not trying to “sell” but share, what I think one of the clearest answers to the dilemna you pose is. Coaching.
Coaching seems to be a buzz word that’s defined, packaged and presented a whole lot of different ways and by a whole lot of different people. But at it’s core it’s really simple. Intentional discipleship. One on One relationship. These two components are the beginning of helping leaders advance in life and leadership, set boundaries, live out a life plan that alleviates guilt and a sense of obligation, grow spiritually, and so on and so on…
I’m convinced that the #1 need among leaders today is an intentional process of discipleship and development that will assist them in becoming sustainable leaders that can then begin to develop their team, staff, congregational folks, etc…the same way. I have such a heart for this because I was a pastor (am still I guess) and took the pill, went down the rabbit hole of coaching and have found that nothing affected me more positively, gave me more clarity or helped me move forward towards my God given calling than coaching.
One more thing on this too, pastoring can be amazingly lonely. And anyone pastors that disagrees I don’t think is being entirely honest. Having a coach is like having an outside voice, someone that is a constant challenger, courageous confronter and (like the alliteration?) compassionate companion to help you as you lead.
This difficulty in transition is not unique to the ministry, if my experience is any indication. As a single person, working in IT, I used to spend long hours late at night and on weekends working. At one job, I used to hang out at work on the weekends for our ‘change window’ (the time during the week when we could perform maintenance causing downtime) even if I didn’t have to be there.
Now, with a wife and two children, I wouldn’t dream of doing that. There is still a lot of discussion and even tension in our family when discussing time spent working, and whether that would be better spent with the family. There doesn’t seem to be a good answer.
Rhett, to answer your question, if we’re not helping our staff or leaders through life-stage transitions, we should be. Ironically, I think Lars was a huge help for us in that transition from married-no-kids to married-with-child, all because he recognized what was happening in our lives & made some honest decisions that benefitted us long term.
The biggest thing in helping transition is simply being aware. Be aware of both where your staff are & where they are going. Help them to recognize how their present behaviour/leadership style will affect their future. Help them to set realistic goals. Help them to understand that their family, and their ministry with and to their family is also a ministry & example to others.
I’ve also seen people turn a blind eye to their staff & their transitions. They pretend like the work they do is the only thing they need to be concerned about & not the staff as a person. In my opinion, that’s simply a lack of leadership. That’s cowardice. If someone is on your staff, you have to care about them as a person & that includes their life transitions. You can never force youself into their lives, force them to approach or navigate these times if transition the way you would, but you are not living up to your end if you simply ignore them.
Don- Thanks for your comment. I am glad to know that I was a help. One thing I’ve always had in my youth ministry world is a large staff of volunteer 20 year olds volunteer and paid leaders. They are in one of the most transitional periods in their lives. I hope that honest communication, reflection and challenges can be helpful for them.
Rhett- I agree that life coaching is probably something that would be really helpful for many people in this area. Sometimes it can come from a boss/supervisor but more often than not they didn’t have that person or don’t have those skills.
I think it is crucial as a ministry leader that you have regularly scheduled meetings to talk about life stuff. Asking hard questions and probing to see how things are going is huge to creating an atmosphere of honesty and reflection.